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" In doing so I won't get anymore requests for extra time, or requests for pictures, or requests for updates on him.....none of that. "

This is either your way of punishing your W or you not being able to handle your situation. Eventually you will be asking her for the same things she is - pictures, extra time, updates, etc.

I know it [censored] right now, but you don't need to answer her every message. Just learn to deal with it better. Get stronger and confident.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Wow Sandi...I was posting the question and you were posting the answer at the same time. Thank you for the 2x4....I needed it. I have not detached. I never have. I have tried. I have dated no less than 5-6 people (I don't talk about it here much) and still have kept her in my heart.

Thank you for the kick in the butt. I don't think you could possibly understand how much your advice has helped me. I am sorry if I have not been the best "student". I am often slow and in my own way.

Crimson

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Crimson my ex left me for a stud. His name Krymsun. Four legs and very handsome. And very talented. And in better shape. I couldnt compete even if i tried. He had gorgeuos hair and a long tail. The most expensive quarter horse around. I swear to you that that is his name. Really.


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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So I went to the meditation service tonight at church. It helped a little.

Sandi, I've been churning through the loving honesty in your post -- it really got to me. My attitude has been "I'll try"....and not enough "I will do". You are right...as is everyone else. I know who I am and how far I have come. I know my heart and I know that it has grown and changed....no matter what she thinks my motivations are, or no matter what she thinks of me - she is wrong. I need to embrace that. I WILL embrace that. It is not ME anymore....this isn't about me.

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Yay Sandi!

Who is about Crimson? Who is your God? Are you motivated more by what your Ex says, does, thinks? Or are you motivated by what God says, does, think and promises? Truly examine, where is your motivation? What motivates you is who you are truly worshipping.

God doesn't punish... not in the sense that you are thinking. He does allow us to go through things that will ultimately refine us and He will ultimately turn all circumstances into good if we allow Him. But He does expect us to join Him in that endeavor. If we sit around waiting for inspiration to hit us instead of just moving forward on His promises, we are going to be sitting forever.

John 5 talks about the paralytic sitting by the pool for 38 years waiting for healing. He was waiting for someone to pick him up, carry him and put him in the pool (they believed the pool was stirred by angels and the first one in after it was stirred would be healed). Jesus came along and told him to "get up." Jesus didn't put him in the pool. Jesus didn't answer his prayers in the way he expected. Mostly because Jesus knew that what the paralytic believed would heal him, wouldn't! That divine knowledge thing is pretty handy. The paralytic did get up because He believed what Jesus told him. What if the paralytic continued to hold onto the notion that the only way he could receive healing was if someone carried him into the pool? He'd still be sitting there waiting... being miserable. Crimson, you need to go back to your old posts. You are being delivered from all of this. You are receiving healing. You are receiving beautiful gifts in the middle of this (your strengthening bond with your son chief among them) but you insist on still sitting by the pool. Your means of healing doesn't look like what is in your mind so it must not be real or it must not be God. It is almost as if you are now taking on the role of God (I don't judge because if we went through the ways I do this we'd be here for the next 38 years). Jesus found the paralytic later at the temple. I can't help but think he was at the temple giving thanks to God. He was still a social outcast, he was still dirt poor, he probably had nothing. None of that had been healed yet. But his mind was on what had been healed and the possibilities that presented for his future. Get up Crimson.

You are such a dear, sweet man. Please know that.

LIS


Me- 40
H - 43
M - 5
T - 14
Separated 2/5/11
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Sandi, LIS and others -

The questions "what has been my motivation" and "why have I been afraid to LRT or drop the rope" have the same basic answer....and yes, it is an embarrassing one but I am being honest....and no sooner do I say this than I know the well-deserved 2x4s will come - but this is it. I always felt that if I went totally cold, didn't go out of my way, didn't somehow PROVE to her that I had changed and was willing to work for a better relationship.....that she wouldn't trust me and she would never come back. I feared that me shutting her out or just walking away cold to let her deal with her own messes would be read as me TRULY giving up, not caring, and would confirm all of her misconceptions that I was miserable in our marriage and that there was no love in our house. I did choose to change myself, but I also chose to continually do my best to show love, change and kindness when I could. And, well, we see where that has gotten me. Still too attached....and she has found OM.

Sandi, I didn't listen or follow directions well. It was nearly impossible for me to see her struggling and not reach down to help. Most recently she had mentioned that S's bday party was pricier than she thought it was going to be and that she got caught up in the hype of planning it. I asked her how much it was to get the place she chose and quickly sent her the money for it....even paid for the cake. I thought that through being present, available, helpful....even through all of our hard times, she would learn to see me differently - she would see a better man worth being with. I was very, very wrong. I am still seemingly the "blame bin" for her, she still assumes the worst about my intentions and actions. I should have listened to the collective wisdom and experience here....but I thought I knew better. I thought that providing access to a new, improved me would move the tide. Nope.

I am asking for help and guidance. I'll say that again to make it clear - I am asking for help and guidance .

What do I do now?

How do I act? How do I interact?

What do I do when she asks for pictures and updates?

What do I do when she SEND pictures? Should I ask her not to?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT ACTIONS ARE ASSOCIATED WITH LETTING GO OR DROPPING THE ROPE! frown I don't know what to do or how to be. I have been so caught up in trying to get her to see who I am becoming I don't know how to do steel my heart and be OK with letting her have negative feelings about me. I need help.

All of last night I thought through what to tell her. Like I would write some grandiose email or letter telling her I am done...checking out...that I do not want to hear from her and she won't hear from me if it is not necessary. And then saying I know you will think it's me trying to "punish" but it is really me trying to get on with my life and accept my circumstances. I am guessing that is too much. Do I just saying nothing and vanish? Do a 180 on all of the kind things I have been trying to do for so long? I know she will say "See!! It was all an act! This is who you really are!".

I do need help.

Crimson

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If sending photos and news of your son was part of "looking like a great guy to get her back" then now that you're not doing that (finally, good job) try sending them as part of being a good dad. Though you and w are not together, the more your s is known and cherished by his mom the better. Filling her in on his experiences while they are apart is good. Do it in moderation. Scale back if it starts to look like you're competing with w for the best-parent prize. Be giving of those photos without being overbearing with them. Be moderate.

That communication should be about doing the best you can by s, not about managing your xw's perceptions of you.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
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Happiness is a warm puppy.
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That's the problem, Ad. I am filled with so much resentment right now I really don't have much of an interest in "being a good dad" for her sake. I am a good dad for my son - period. I have no interest in helping make her relationship with him better - that is her job, not mine. For now, my feelings are that if she is interested in knowing how S is or what he is up to -- join us, come to the park with us, have breakfast with us....no one KICKED her out of his life, no one kicked her out of our family home - she left on her own. Not knowing what he is doing, or how he is, or what he is up to....that is a consequence of that choice and it is no longer my job to fill that void for her.

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You don't have to write and email of tell her what you're thinking in terms of LRT.

You just do it.

She's not in charge of your life. You are. But up until you take that control, she's still controlling you.

And you're still trying to control her.

Crimson, you're a great guy who doesn't know, or won't believe, that he's a great guy. The thing is no one can make you feel that, no one can give that to you.

Look inside Crimson and find out why he thinks he deserves this.

YOu can still continue to send photos of significant things, not daily stuff unless you can do it without expectation.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Crimson,

I just found your thread and will post later b/c I have to run. Wanted to "mark" my place here however.

Talk to you soon,

((( )))


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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