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Ugghhhh - so confused.

This morning W was talking about the move back to the US and asked about when our tenant would be out of our house. I had already told her that I felt that since she wants the separation she should find her own place and I will return to our house. She said well maybe I could go there before you you (me) get back. I asked why she would want to do that since she needs the space and time. She then proceeds to say essentially we (family) should just all return to the house and go back to the way things were.

I was in complete shock and never saw this coming. I asked why she would do that and she said things will be fine and can just go back to what they were. I was shocked and I said something like I don’t know if that is a good idea (although obviously it is what I want). She said why? I said because you were unhappy and we have some underlying issues that we need to address and you need to decide what you want. She said I can go back to the way it was and I repeated that she was unhappy and why would she want to remain that way. I said you know this is what I want, but I also am not willing to go back to a marriage that was not working for one of us, I need us to both be happy. She said, I am not going to become touchy feely and fuzzy and I said no that is not what I am asking, but we do need to address the issues that led us here. She said I kicked OM to the curb last week what else do you want from me? I repeated that we needed to address the issues and she said well then if you don’t want it to go back to the way it was we are done.

I was in shock, disbelief, never saw this coming and I said probably foolishly that I don’t think I am willing to be in a relationship that is broken and not being worked on.

Did I just ruin everything? Did I just tell her it was over? That is not what I meant to do, it was just so much of a complete shock when she said this out of nowhere.


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Me - 43
Wife - 41
S's - 12 & 9
Togther - 18
Married - 14
My goal - reconciliation and a better/stronger marriage
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Sandi2 - why LRT vice continued 180? We are still living in the same house and ahve the kids. We also have to work together.


You don't have to give up all your 180's, but you said she was leaving for the States soon. When did you intend to apply the LRT?

Quote:
Did I just ruin everything? Did I just tell her it was over? That is not what I meant to do, it was just so much of a complete shock when she said this out of nowhere.


I think you should have given a different explanation other than making it about her happiness. But no, I don't think what you told her is neccessessarily a deal breaker. I think she assumed you would jump at the chance to pick up where things were before OM entered the scene. It would have been better if you would have told her that kicking OM to the crub was just the first of many steps that will be required to restore the M to a level of happiness.

As with most WAW's in an A, the LBH is her alternate plan if OM doesn't work out. Whether she kicked him to the crub.......or the other way around......she knew she had you waiting on the sideline. You are her backup plan.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Let us hear something.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Sorry, we all visited friends in a neighboring country for the long holiday and there was essentially no internet. Really good tine with our friends. No R talk since we were always busy so that is a good thing. W talked a lot about her return to the US, not mentioning our issues just saying she really dislikes our current location.

NC with OM seems to still be holding which I will take as a continued positive. Will have to see what the week brings as I have no doubt things like finances, car and the house will come up. Kids are definitely looking forward to being back inUS after 4 years in third world countries.

I will not bring R up, I hope. If she does, I will just tell her that she needs to decide what it is that she wants. She knows what I want and that I love her (I have not told her in a long time though based on DBing). I will be supportive and kind, but will not pursue. It does seem that the more I leave things be, that is when she says or does things that draw us closer.

Hopefully, returnng to US after a long time overseas will help. As well.


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Me - 43
Wife - 41
S's - 12 & 9
Togther - 18
Married - 14
My goal - reconciliation and a better/stronger marriage
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Is everyone going except you?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Right now, W and kids will depart in June for US. In discussion with W about whether I should depart at same time she was very clear that she needed a "break" without me. Kids would go to their grandparents for the summer which has been our normal practice, so that is not out of ordinary. Discussion has been about me returning in Aug which also would allow time for my position to be filled without a length vacancy.

What happens when we are all back is the big ?, and I don't know. Last indication from W is that she wants to all just go back to house and "things go back to the way they were". However, things cannot go back to the way they were, they have changed forever. Her going back and "tolerating" the situation and remaining unhappy is not something I am willing to do.

If she just needs the time to deal with her own issues and guilt (as my IC has suggested)and we are going to be working on resolving the issues that got us here then I am ok with that. That discussion will need to happen, but right now I am avoiding all R talk. She will be able to go into temporary corporate style housing upon return for a period of time regardless.

I feel strongly that if she decides she does want to separate and needs time apart that she should be the one that finds her own place and that I would return to our home. Is that wrong? Am I being a bad guy thinking that way?


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Wife - 41
S's - 12 & 9
Togther - 18
Married - 14
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Not at all. I believe your thinking is on the right track for the most part. I just want to remind you not to make this all about "her happiness". That gives her a tremendous amount of power over your life. She has to be responsible for her own happiness. We can't really make another person happy if they choose not to be. Make sense?

You have assured her of your love and support. She knows she holds all the cards (which I think is a mistake) to the future of this family. It's like you have handed over the reigns to her to drive and take everyone wherever she decides.

The WAW is very self-centered and their main focus is their own happiness. They will bulldoze over anything that gets in their pathway to get it. I personally believe it has a lot more effect if the WAW realizes her H just might not stick around while she decides if she wants him or not. It is himan nature not to appreciate what we have.......until we think we are losing it. Just look at how all the LBH's act when they get the bomb! They are desparate to keep the WAW.

But that's just me. You have to go with what you feel is right. I sure hope your M will survive. You will need a very good pro-marriage therrapist to work with the two of you, if she decides she wants to reconcile. I believe when a WAW says she just wants everything to resume as it was.......is trying to sweep her actions & issues under the rug. However, that is not a solution.

I think she is using this "break" as her way of easing out of the M. I have strong doubts she will give opportunity for you to live together again........unless she can't make it financially. Women don't like to step down from the lifestyle they are accustomed to.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Have not posted in a week or so as things have just kind of stagnated. Not getting better and not getting worse. Still appears that NC with OM is holding. W this week began talking about all the things we need to do the house in the US before we ALL move back in this fall - re-tile kitchen floor and bathroom, repaint entire interior, new kitchen countertops etc.

I am trying to remain detached still and only give a cursory acknowledgement when she says these things. I previously told her that I was not willing to be in an "I am just tolerating it, it is ok, but not good R" when we get back. I also feel like that maybe this is her softening a bit so I am purposefully not bring it up again at this point (it is a boundary I have set for myself though and I will make it clear again before we ALL go back into the house). It almost seems as if she wants the last 8 months to just go away.

Detached to the point possible when we live in the same apartment and work together does seem to be working a little. I sense an ever so slight softening, or maybe hope that is what I sense. At any rate, she has stopped talking about getting her own place and that is a good first step.

Sandi - W could clearly make it on her own. She has full time and very safe job with benefits. She makes well above the average household income on her own. You are right about sweeping the issues under the rug. There will be a time when those issues must be addressed. I just feel like right now is not it. So I continue with the no R talk, other 180s, and being as detached as possible.


__________
Me - 43
Wife - 41
S's - 12 & 9
Togther - 18
Married - 14
My goal - reconciliation and a better/stronger marriage
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 25
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Have not posted as things have sort of just stagnated. Not getting better, but not getting worse - maybe that is a win? No contact with OM continues to hold as far as I can tell. Discussions continue to be about the move back to US with all indications that she intends for us to go back to the house together and "back to normal". She was originally going to leave on June 1 when the kids finish school, but decided to postpone until July 1 even though the kids will still return to US on June 1. She was approved to leave June 1 so not sure why she decided to stay if she needed space away from me?

Still sleeping in separate rooms. No R talk at all. I am not bringing either up in conversation. She knows very well that I want to be back in the same room as I have asked a number of times since BD. I am hoping that she is still procesing her ending whatever the relationship with OM was - either EA or PA - and that she just needs this time to get herself right. My IC, who is a female, opined that she is dealing with alot of guilt and putting the OM behind her and needs this time to be ready to start working on us.

Being patient is so difficult. I desperately want to hug her or call her by an affectionate pet name (that I have not used since BD). I continue to work on my 180s, while being caring and supportive, but also somewhat unavailable while GAL'ing. She continues to ask me to eat lunch with her everyday and we do everything with the kids together, eat dinner together, etc.

I feel like I need to not push anything for the moment, probably until she gets ready to head back to the US (I will return a month later). But, I feel at that point I am going to have to state my boundary again for her - that if we are all going back together then we have to begin working on fixing the M and that I am unwilling to remain in a broken R that is not being worked on.

I have wondered if she is now waiting for me to ask again about sleeping in the same bed, to "lead" us back to "normal", but when I have pushed in the past to talk about R that is when she seems to have moved further away. Maybe different now that OM is out of picture, just not sure. Unfortunately, after BD and before I read DR I, as many, did all the wrong things and she now has all the power. She knows that I still love her and that I am still in love with her, that I want to fix the R, etc. I am afraid that if I push to hard or to fast it might set back the little progress that has been made (yes I see the OM being out of the picture and the stated desire to return to normal as very small positives). Thoughts?

Never would have pictured myself in this position 8 months ago. Trying to take a long term approach and hoping that eventually all the bad will lead to a better and stronger M.


__________
Me - 43
Wife - 41
S's - 12 & 9
Togther - 18
Married - 14
My goal - reconciliation and a better/stronger marriage
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
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Quote:
]I have wondered if she is now waiting for me to ask again about sleeping in the same bed, to "lead" us back to "normal", but when I have pushed in the past to talk about R that is when she seems to have moved further away. Maybe different now that OM is out of picture, just not sure. Unfortunately, after BD and before I read DR I, as many, did all the wrong things and she now has all the power. She knows that I still love her and that I am still in love with her, that I want to fix the R, etc. I am afraid that if I push to hard or to fast it might set back the little progress that has been made (yes I see the OM being out of the picture and the stated desire to return to normal as very small positives). Thoughts?


I can't remember reading a post from a LBH where he thought like the WAW. Why would you think she is waiting for you to ask about the sleeping arrangements........
AGAIN? If she had had a change of heart, do you really believe she wouldn't let you know, but rather waiting for you to.....once again.......ask her?

As for having sex to lead the two of you back in the right direction..........I believe is how the male brain works. The man wants to have sex in order for things to be better. The woman wants things to be better in order to have sex.

I see how you want to believe her wanting things to just go back to normal is a positive. However, I see it as a WAW playing dodge ball. She doesn't want to discuss her A or her actions. She doesn't want to attend MC or really even deal with you. It's her way of avoiding the truth. She wants a break from you. All this talk she gives about how the house will need repairs/remodeling seems her way of holding you at bay.

I just think she's putting up a shield until she gets back to the states. Once there, I think you will hear that she wants to proceed with a D. But that's just my thinking. I hope I get to see how wrong I was.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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