new here. is DB even worth it?

[JennD]

I echo the bop on the head sentiment...and then some!

[hope456]

I have the same thoughts:

If I'm strong and confident and act as if this doesn't bother me, then it will just confirm to H that he's made the right decision. He'll think he was right: we just aren't compatible. And the fact that I was able to adjust so easily proves that we aren't right for one another.

If my choices are to be weak and needy or to be strong and confident, I think I've gotta choose strength and confidence. If he ends up using that as justification for his choice, then there really isn't anything I could have done about it anyway.

I do still wish I could get him to snap out of it, but I've finally gotten to the point where I understand that I have no control over that.

[LuckyLuke]

Claire - oh, at some point that will certainly be appropriate -

Look at it this way, if you (like my W) are not nice, not friendly, not understanding, and/or not caring, does that attract or repel him? Sure there is an element of luck here, but you might as well stack the deck.

Luke

[Upwards]

But sometimes I want to bop him on the head and tell him what an idiot he is.

We all know he wouldnt listen!! Thats why we have to SHOW them what fools they are being that way there is a chance they'll realise themselves!

[claire7]

Yeah. Feeling pessimistic about that this week. :-( I don't see him ever being willing to stop this D train, even if he wanted to. It would seem too hard for him to swallow all that pride and face me, my friends and family again. Moving on with D will seem like the easiest path, even if he has some reservations about it. He's financially comfortable, he's not very concerned about the impact on our D3, and I don't know that he ever really loved me with all his heart. (I realize I am mind-reading a bit).

Also struggling a little bit with my GAL. I'm definitely reaching out to friends old and new and going out WAY more than I had been, but realizing that I haven't moved forward on making plans for things like Memorial Day, 4th of July, summer vacation... H would always plan those things. His group of friends and family has way more money and means to go away. I just don't have as many friends to do that kind of stuff with, with or without my D3, so I have to be more creative. I'm definitely feeling a bit defeated in that area.

Trying to focus on the positives-- gorgeous day with my D3 today, and meeting a friend for dinner tonight!

[claire7]

More thoughts bringing me down a bit tonight. Why am I even bothering to hold out any bit of hope? Why do I even want him back? He is moving on from me so easily. I really only have one friend who truly supports DBing. Everyone else just tells me to move on and to he!! with him. I think most of my friends and family, and most of his friends and family, are thinking the same thing-- it's not such a huge loss-- we could both do better. I don't think I'm all that missed on his side. I mean, they think I'm nice enough, no one is angry at me, but I don't think anyone is telling him he is a fool to let me go.

So am I just delusional? Maybe we aren't right for each other after all. Why am I holding on to this marriage? How do you answer that question? Is it that you have such deep love for the person who has told you they don't love you anymore? Or because you value your marriage vows so much? Sometimes I don't have a good answer for why I am not just letting go and giving up. What is yours?

[hope456]

I sometimes wonder the same thing: why am I trying so hard? My IC (who I no longer see for a multitude of reasons) actually said to me, "Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't love you?" She did not seem to be onboard with my efforts to try to save my M.

He is moving on from me so easily.

This ^^^^^ is mindreading. During one of our R talks (which I'm now doing my best to avoid, I said something like, "You are just out there enjoying your single life." My H responded, immediately and seemingly sincerely, "who says I'm enjoying it?" You don't know that this is easy for him.

I think these second-guessing kind of thoughts are normal. I'm trying to sit with them when they occur. My guess is that if I get to the point that I'm really done, I'll know. So far, these thoughts tend to be fleeting for me.

[Upwards]

Lots of mindreading Claire, try to stick with what you know otherwise your just giving yourself more stuff to get anxious & stressed about. Just because he's giving the impression that he's getting on with is life & doesnt care, doesnt mean thats the case.

I haven't moved forward on making plans for things like Memorial Day, 4th of July, summer vacation... H would always plan those things.

A massive 180 would be YOU planning your own things then! It doesnt have to cost lots, there is loads that can be done cheaply or free that i'm sure you & your D would enjoy.

So am I just delusional? Maybe we aren't right for each other after all. Why am I holding on to this marriage? How do you answer that question? Is it that you have such deep love for the person who has told you they don't love you anymore? Or because you value your marriage vows so much?

Codependancy can make you feel this way as you are so dependant on that person that you feel like you cant be happy or live your life without them, this is then mistaken for love (i'm not saying this is the case for you, just an example!). Its always a good idea to deal with any codependancy issues early on to uncover what real feelings are underneath. Its like an addiction to a person, you need to be in recovery before you can make rational decisions.

Also fear plays a big part in how the LBS feels. You need to strip back what your feelings and try to get to the root of whats causing it, thats the only way of knowing whats really going on for you.

Sometimes I don't have a good answer for why I am not just letting go and giving up. What is yours?

Letting go & giving up are 2 different things. If you want to try and save your marriage you need to let go but not give up hope.

You arent letting go because your not ready to or your scared that letting go is accepting thats its over, there is no shame in that as its not an easy process. People can tell you to as much as they like but there is only you that can make that decision, for me I hit rock bottom & realised that I didnt want our relationship as it was as we were both unhappy & I didnt want my H right now because he needs to work through his issues so I needed to let go, it was a process not something that happens overnight.

[claire7]

A massive 180 would be YOU planning your own things then! It doesnt have to cost lots, there is loads that can be done cheaply or free that i'm sure you & your D would enjoy.

Yes, I agree. Working on it. Also working on gaining more confidence in taking her on bigger trips by myself.

Also fear plays a big part in how the LBS feels. You need to strip back what your feelings and try to get to the root of whats causing it, thats the only way of knowing whats really going on for you.

For a long time, I was so afraid that he would leave me. I had so much anxiety about keeping our daughter safe--partly because I knew that if something happened to her, there would be nothing keeping us together. (Wow. Sounds pretty terrible!) But now that that great fear has been realized-- and the world has gone on (and I'm actually handling it quite well), I just don't have that fear anymore.

I know that I don't want to go back to how things were. I was not happy in the R. I guess if he was willing to confront his side of things and work on changing himself, then I'd be very willing to do the same. So, I guess at this point it's worth holding out hope for that.

Two questions:
1) Is it at all appropriate to date while you are DBing? (My hunch is NO, you remain committed to the marriage, but I don't know for sure!)
2) How do folks handle birthdays or special occasions of in-laws? My nephews' birthdays are coming up-- do I buy them gifts? From me? From me and D3? From just D3?? I don't want to come across as pitiful or manipulative--is it inappropriate for me to insert myself in their lives now?? I'm pretty positive I won't be invited to their birthday celebrations (my H and D3 will be, though I'm not sure they will even tell me about it beforehand), so will it seem desperate and lame for me to send them a gift on my own?? I miss them. :-(

[KGirl]

Claire - re: your H being too stubborn/not willing to swallow his pride to stop the D train, I completely understand and I worry about the same thing. My H has outright said things like "changing my decision would be a sign of weakness" and "If I change my mind it will be like you won and you made me do it." How I think about that is that if my H is truly so stubborn that he'd rather stick with his decision despite reservations, that that's ultimately not going to be the type of person I want in my life, anyways. And on the hopeful side, they made a decision to marry us, and they changed that, right? So they could very well change their certainty about this decision, too. That's why keeping the road home smooth is important - don't burn too many bridges or reveal too much to friends and family that would have to be "taken back," for example.