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Hi Lou
I posted to you on Labug's thread about control. Let me know if it makes any sense.


M 53
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Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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Hey Lou my exw is a perfectionists. We had serious issues around that. For example when we painted our home she always chose the colors, even though I did the painting she never asked for my input. It would take her months to decide on a color, and complain that I had not painted when she never bought the paint or allow me to get it myself. Really frustrating. Another example, when we bought the home I have now 11 years ago we decided to buy Arbovites trees to plant in the back yard. I remember we had bought 6 at 1st. It was a Sunday afternoon and I needed to be in bed and get to work the next day. She asked me to place them were we would plant them. I knew it would take for ever and I wanted to get them into the ground. It was a hot day.

Instead she went inside to get a ruler.... She measure them equal spacing. Me being the impatient person that I am wanted to drill the ruler into my veins smile

So we didn't communicate well and we didn't learn each others short comings. A perfectionist can be very controlling person in a R. It may be a good quality to have in ones profession but it kills a R.

So pay attention to what you say, do, and any other subliminal message.


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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Hi Rick
It took a while to get back here.. I wasn't quite such a perfectionist more an organiser.. finding things to do...

I sure don't bother with that now

My H was here for the whole weekend it was unpleasant.. there was this horible tension and I realised I have ended up feeling like I should be apologising..
And he is the one having the affair and pulling my life apart nor the other way around.
I want to be more assertive but it comes out argumentative..
I ended up leaving him alone as he sat flicking around on his phone. I had explained I looked forward to his company after being alone here so much.. he basically ignored me so I went upstairs to my computer.. said if he felt like company he should call when he is finished on his phone..he did after about 30 minutes.."are you going to stay up there all night?"

I am tired of his abruptness.. his low level... I am in a bad mood...
He does not want to attempt any reconciliation yet has not told his family..
I feel like he does not even like me.. I want to ask and then say well go away ans stay away... guess that is not DB approach


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So help on non contact but getting WH assistance???
I am looking to have as little contact as possible at the moment because it is not doing me any good and is giving the message I will always be here no matter what.. and that is not the case..

To be clear we have minimal contact .. telephone once or twice a week..he visits once every 3rd or 4th weekend..

but I need the help of my WH...

The house we are trying to sell, that I live in,needs continued garden maintenance now summer is here..keeping it in a condition that viewers can see is a lot of work and I do not see why I am being left to do it alone..while he has all the free time he says he needs..
I need to visit the new area where he lives and I need help with the language, transport etc.Since the decision to sell and move was a result of his new job and the need to do it alone is a result of his new affair..I feel like he can help out...

So how do I get him to meet his responsibility for the house and also to help me with the move and not be a pursuer..to maintain that distance..

I also need to not sound in any way controlling or pursuing or managing or any other synonym you can think of..

I thought to create a calendar with what is needed when - on which weekends, and ask him to tell me which days he will be able to be here to work and which days he will be able to help in the new town.

Sounds controlling to me even as I write.. is there another way to meet my need to get help and not be a controlling W?????


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Loua - I'd state the problem, as you see it, but no part of the solution, in any way, and then ask for his help. Tell him you don't want to control or manage him, but that he is also responsible for the house, so what do you do? Tell him, if necessary, that selling and moving was related to HIS job (not to blame, just as a fact) and so could he please help with this...

If there is some part of morality or fairness that might work, perhaps that could be thrown in. Perhaps you could post how you think this talk would go first, before having it.

No calendar or organization - too German (sorry...) and controlling, imo.

Luke


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Hi Luke

maybe I need to leave this place.. calendar seemed like such a good idea.. maybe the Germanness is seeping into my pores. I agree sounds controlling.. I am a controller thought I was recovering!!!
I will work on my email. might run it by you
It won't be a talk.. He can not make a decision with out thinking and consulting his diaries.. so I do need to give him that space..

Out to work in the garden.. my tulips are great this year..
I will mull it over and get back..
How are you doing with mean .. avoiding it ignoring it???


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Hola Lou,

We are all invited to a friend's place for lunch. W okay again, at least on the outside. Had nice walk with s20 last night.

You might consider Holland instead of Germany. At least they leave their windows open at night, instead of the crazy lockdown rolladen.

Luke


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Hi Luke
I don't plan on any contact email until later

will appreciate your thoughts when you can get to it

My goal is not to confront or make him feel guilty..

Hi H

Have spent most of the weekend staying on top of the garden and the house.( I want to add while you have been having a lovely long weekend with another W and seeing your family and making your sister cry.. but i wont) There sure is a lot to do here continually..
There is also still a lot to do with the moving and setting up my new place.
These things I can not do alone and I do not think it is fair to expect me to..

I can not keep everything in the house as it should be so people can view it alone.
I can not keep the garden in any sort of order.

I can not manage to pack and move and organise the new apartment alone.

There are several weekends coming up that I have plans for, some are up there in NRW , some are here .

Where do you see yourself in all this?

These dates I am committed to :

17th and 18th This is the weekend you said you could drive me to G I need to be there Saturday morning for a short while and also Sunday morning.. with a pick from D about 12.00 on Sunday..

25th I am booked here

31is E 's Graduation here...Did you decide what you are doing?

7th and 8th and 14th and 15th..I am booked..

rest of the month.. no fixed plans.

Any thoughts on when you will be here?
Loua

Remember he is an engineer.. short sentences no emotions..

I am trying for independent as possible but I will not do this alone.. that is not about independence that is about being fair..

thoughts rewrites criticisms


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will get back to you later - sorry - off to party -

Luke


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Lou - I'd keep it even shorter. He may consider your new apartment your problem, as well as moving your stuff also. Has he taken his stuff already?

Something like "I'd like us to prepare and sell the house together. This means.... xyz. What do you think (I think it is good to ask him)? Can we make a plan to do this?"

I wouldn't give all your dates yet, it seems too organized and vorgreifend (it feels like you are constraining, directing, setting the tone...).

Perhaps you can ask him to lead this (common) project?

Luke


M58, xW54
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