She moved home but still in love with OM!

[Oxford1]

Here are my two original threads:

Wife moved out to be with her tour guide lover

She's returning for in home separation

[Oxford1]

Ok so here goes. Her OM is really starting to get on her case.

Me I am being the husband I should have been. Sharing chores, not getting upset. Actually going in the basement and meditating when I know she's on the telephone with OM.

Only thing is she likes to tell me about places she's been to and he comes into the conversation. Unlike others believe she is not purposely doing it to hurt me it just happens, if I ask her to stop she does.

She has asked me to go to her cousins wedding with her. Mmher sister messed up and told family members what was happening, actually it think it's because deep down inside she wants us to stay together.

WW has referred to me four times today as her husband.

It's very awkward. I overheard her tell her sister if I stay with my husband I just don't want to hurt OM he such a sweet guy and he's been through so much, plus do you know how much money he spent on me the last ten weeks.

WTF, he's a sweet guy? You don't want to hurt him!? How much money he's spent..

Is it a $600k house a Lexus Truck, all the furniture in the house .......
Raising two boys sending one to private college...etc etc etc..

Where does this train of thought come from....

Anyway I have using 180 in terms of me. Not talking a lot, not getting upset, being a loving but distant neighbor.

I just want to see if this works for the next six weeks. Mid she still ends up going to Israel to see him In June the. When she leaves I can go dark and then stay that way when she's home....of that does not work after a few months I will go Plan B.

[Missmygirl]

Oxford,

I've been reading up on what you're dealing with. You have certainly been having a rough time of it. Your wife really has done a number on you! However, you are helping her do it. The only person who can stop this merry go round is YOU.

I think many of us have felt like you have been feeling. You feel absolutely out of control. All of this stuff is happening to you. She hurts you. The OM hurts you. This stuff that comes out of her mouth is just astounding! You just can't believe all of this is happening.

You try to put all the blame on yourself. It's your poor behavior as a husband that has caused all this. If only you had been better. You do nothing, but beg and plead and search and question. I've read your posts and over and over the advice is given to you to concentrate on yourself and you continue to focus on her.

You won't see anything happen until you finally get the balls to come to a decision and then act on it. You then need to follow through on your decision. YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING TO WALK AWAY FROM HER. If you're not ready and willing to do this, you will never be in control of yourself. She will have you on puppet strings and she will never respect you. No woman wants to be with a man she doesn't respect. She will despise you instead.

I'm not saying you need to dump your wife. What I am saying is that you need to figure out how to function without her. You need to set a course for yourself. If you see some areas in yourself that she made valid complaints about, then correct those faults. But don't do it while you're watching her to see if the change has produced the desired effect on her. If that's what you are doing, then you're missing the point. Make the change for the NEXT girl who will come into your life. Make the change because YOU see the need for the change.

I personally think that you also need to make it very clear to her that she can choose either you or her bf, but she doesn't get both. You don't need to be mean about it, but she needs to hear it. Then you follow through by living your life without her. Get a life. Fill it with activities you really enjoy. With people whom you love and who love you. Do stuff that requires 100% concentration, so there's no room for those movies that you've played in your head.

When she invites you to do things with her, accept sometimes, but decline the rest. Let her see that she just might lose you. Not because you're trying to play her or manipulate her, but because she really might lose you. You can love her, but you can't NEED her!!

Trust what you're being told here. Start rebuilding yourself and your life without her. Let her see she is welcome to be a part of your new life. Let her also see you are content to give her to her OM and walk away.

As a note, when I finally decided to stand up for myself and stop letting my wife treat me like crap, things started getting better. I told her that if she continued to make room in her life for her OM, then there wouldn't be room in my life for her as my wife. She got very angry with me. She accused me of trying to control her, being unfair, always getting my way, etc. I stood my ground. It was a boundary I set because I truly couldn't live with that in my life. I am convinced that the only reason she stopped what she was doing was because she saw I was going to turn and walk.

Get your focus off your wife. Set your sights on something more reliable. Set them on the course you set for yourself. Work on you. Address her complaints. Hope for reconciliation, but be ready and willing to walk away.

[MrBond]

"Thanks I have to leave some of the other boards they are attacking my wife as a slut and calling me all sorts of terrible names because of the way I with her. Even the mcounslers say to stay in touch love her but be a little distant.

Why do those other boards tell me to throw her out tear her with no respect"

You're really wondering why? It's because you called her that. Not in so much words, but when you came on here you painted her like a 'slut' and even the title of your thread - "Wife left for tour guide lover" implies that you think she is a sl*t.

You have no one else to blame but yourself.

I'm assuming MA is the Marriage Advocates site but what is TAM?

[Oxford1]

Talk About Marriage

Probably because I was so hurt that this woman who stood for morals and taught my children them has been sleeping with this guy for a year while telling me it did not happen until after she ran away.

She confessed some of their private intimacies, and I can tell you she was asking me for similar stuff about nine months ago.

I guess I got tired of being lied to.

[Oxford1]

Oxford,

I've been reading up on what you're dealing with. You have certainly been having a rough time of it. Your wife really has done a number on you! However, you are helping her do it. The only person who can stop this merry go round is YOU.

I think many of us have felt like you have been feeling. You feel absolutely out of control. All of this stuff is happening to you. She hurts you. The OM hurts you. This stuff that comes out of her mouth is just astounding! You just can't believe all of this is happening.
got a little bit TMI today.
You try to put all the blame on yourself. It's your poor behavior as a husband that has caused all this. If only you had been better. You do nothing, but beg and plead and search and question. I've read your posts and over and over the advice is given to you to concentrate on yourself and you continue to focus on her.

You won't see anything happen until you finally get the balls to come to a decision and then act on it. You then need to follow through on your decision. YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING TO WALK AWAY FROM HER. If you're not ready and willing to do this, you will never be in control of yourself. She will have you on puppet strings and she will never respect you. No woman wants to be with a man she doesn't respect. She will despise you instead.

I'm not saying you need to dump your wife. What I am saying is that you need to figure out how to function without her. You need to set a course for yourself. If you see some areas in yourself that she made valid complaints about, then correct those faults. But don't do it while you're watching her to see if the change has produced the desired effect on her. If that's what you are doing, then you're missing the point. Make the change for the NEXT girl who will come into your life. Make the change because YOU see the need for the change.

I personally think that you also need to make it very clear to her that she can choose either you or her bf, but she doesn't get both. You don't need to be mean about it, but she needs to hear it. Then you follow through by living your life without her. Get a life. Fill it with activities you really enjoy. With people whom you love and who love you. Do stuff that requires 100% concentration, so there's no room for those movies that you've played in your head.

When she invites you to do things with her, accept sometimes, but decline the rest. Let her see that she just might lose you. Not because you're trying to play her or manipulate her, but because she really might lose you. You can love her, but you can't NEED her!!
thanks there are something's that we both enjoy together.
Trust what you're being told here. Start rebuilding yourself and your life without her. Let her see she is welcome to be a part of your new life. Let her also see you are content to give her to her OM and walk away.

As a note, when I finally decided to stand up for myself and stop letting my wife treat me like crap, things started getting better. I told her that if she continued to make room in her life for her OM, then there wouldn't be room in my life for her as my wife. She got very angry with me. She accused me of trying to control her, being unfair, always getting my way, etc. I stood my ground. It was a boundary I set because I truly couldn't live with that in my life. I am convinced that the only reason she stopped what she was doing was because she saw I was going to turn and walk.

Get your focus off your wife. Set your sights on something more reliable. Set them on the course you set for yourself. Work on you. Address her complaints. Hope for reconciliation, but be ready and willing to walk away.

Thanks this post really made a lot of sense to me.

[Oxford1]

So I came home from the GYM today, and the WS was sitting in the middle of the parlor floor crying. I looked at her like she was nuts and she screamed I am still in love with you don't you care. I said no I don't. She said <name redacted> I am telling you I love you, I said if you do then you need to stop all contact with XXXX, she said you don't understand I love him too. And I said yes enough to sleep with him and then the confession, she starts confessing about what they have done.

So I looked at her and said you really just want to kill me don't you? She says no I am confessing to you...I need help...I don't know what to do.

I told her I needed to take a shower and I left. I came out of the shower and she hands me three rings, one is a cheap silver wedding band looking thing with Hebrew writing that says, XXXXX THE LOVE OF MY LIFE...
I SAID tell me you love me when you send these back to him.

I need to get ready for WORK.

[MrBond]

It's one thing to act strong and confident; and yet another to act arrogant and treat your W like a sl*t like you just did. When she was breaking down, it was the perfect time for you to validate her feelings AND THEN lay down your boundaries.

You should have guided her and told her that she should go to an IC or some other counseling. The problem is that if you're treating her like that, if she goes back to you it will be based off of emotion which never works without some kind of guidance.

So what do you plan to do?

How much have you changed so that she would actually WANT to be with you? I haven't seen any change so far.

[HollyAnn]

I thought the exchange was ok.
It was like a truth dart to someone who has been humiliating her h.

[Oxford1]

I thought the exchange was ok.
It was like a truth dart to someone who has been humiliating her h.

Tonight on my way home from a five hour drive I spoke to some close friends that have been helping me out. One is my cousin she's a few years younger the other a woman I used to work,with who knows my wife and is about six years older then us.

They have been helping me through my personal guilt etc..

Anyway, my cell rang it was my home number so I thought it was DS15. It Was my WS .
She said she wanted to make sure I was safe etc.

When I got home she started with the tears this time I held her...and let her cry. Then DS15 after fake gagging went to bed.

She and I went to talk..I think she's scared because there is a divorce hearing on Wednesday with the coaches and attorneys.

She asked right out if I was filing and I said well the fact that you are,going to Israel,in five weeks leaves me no choice.

She chimed in , you see exactly that's what I told OM would happen. So I said, hey you laid out your sexual escapees to me with this guy, am I supposed to sit at home knowing my leagly matured wife is " greeting her man"

Boy the claws came out " I am not a cheater , don't you dare so I am a cheater, your an abuser"

This set me off no yelling no begging but i did rip her OM to threads verbally etc..
She insists I wring, he's not like that, yes he's had lots of wine but know of them are like me.....all fog speak.

I am kicking myself because just this morning she said I have changed, I have not been circle talking or going off on her...
And I came pretty close to what she calls circle talk.

I have to stop the OM and relationship talk ....