I actually have made it this far in the day without crying! WOW! This is something new. I will probably make up for it tomorrow.
H is being more monster lately. I have been working on detaching from his R with OW and GAL. Now that sometimes we are not home when he calls - he gets really pissy. In the meantime, I am having a hard time with small talk. I am mad at him and I just nod my head or give short one word responses. He keeps asking me what is wrong. I fake a smile and say nothing.
I have a had a lot going on with work and family lately also. He is getting mad because he feels uninvolved. Well when he is at OW house all the time, what does he expect. He is never here to tell him anything. He overheard me on the phone and asked me about it - it was a business deal that is being worked on but not a for sure deal. I told him it was not for sure yet. H blew up, "is that the way it is going to be now." I am realizing that he is very controlling now. It is not fair that he can go out all hours with OW and his other new friends, and I cannot take the girls to the store, out for dinner, or talk on the phone without seeing monster. At least he is noticing me...RIGHT?
I keep on doing reading, and keep going into circles about what to do. It is so hard because when H said he was done trying 6 months ago - he meant it. Since then he has moved to other bedroom, and will not touch me. It is like we are roommates. I believe that he is being honest about the divorce when he figures out his situation. However, I also believe that if OW was gone, he would reconsider. The month she went back to her boyfriend, he started to come back to me. Which makes me think maybe it is not MLC. But he is completely 180 of what he was 7 months ago. UGH!!! I HATE HATE HATE this!
The other thing that bothers me is I know that he would not do the same that I am doing. His family is very easy to give up on things. If I were having a MLC - he would leave week 1. Why am I bending over backwards - when he would not.
I also worry because H has always had issues with depression. He has quit IC and he only has 3 friends right now. They are divorced woman that are new as of his MLC. They are older but act like they are in 20s, drinking and partying tons. H is having EA and PA with one of them. I worry that when his relationship dissolves with OW, he is going to hurt himself or others or fall into a deep depression. he had a crappy childhood that he has not dealt with at all. He needs to be healthy for the kids. UGH! I think I worry to much.
I actually have made it this far in the day without crying! WOW! This is something new. I will probably make up for it tomorrow.
H is being more monster lately. I have been working on detaching from his R with OW and GAL. Now that sometimes we are not home when he calls - he gets really pissy. In the meantime, I am having a hard time with small talk. I am mad at him and I just nod my head or give short one word responses. He keeps asking me what is wrong. I fake a smile and say nothing.
I have a had a lot going on with work and family lately also. He is getting mad because he feels uninvolved. Well when he is at OW house all the time, what does he expect. He is never here to tell him anything. He overheard me on the phone and asked me about it - it was a business deal that is being worked on but not a for sure deal. I told him it was not for sure yet. H blew up, "is that the way it is going to be now." I am realizing that he is very controlling now. It is not fair that he can go out all hours with OW and his other new friends, and I cannot take the girls to the store, out for dinner, or talk on the phone without seeing monster. At least he is noticing me...RIGHT?
I keep on doing reading, and keep going into circles about what to do. It is so hard because when H said he was done trying 6 months ago - he meant it. Since then he has moved to other bedroom, and will not touch me. It is like we are roommates. I believe that he is being honest about the divorce when he figures out his situation. However, I also believe that if OW was gone, he would reconsider. The month she went back to her boyfriend, he started to come back to me. Which makes me think maybe it is not MLC. But he is completely 180 of what he was 7 months ago. UGH!!! I HATE HATE HATE this!
The other thing that bothers me is I know that he would not do the same that I am doing. His family is very easy to give up on things. If I were having a MLC - he would leave week 1. Why am I bending over backwards - when he would not.
I also worry because H has always had issues with depression. He has quit IC and he only has 3 friends right now. They are divorced woman that are new as of his MLC. They are older but act like they are in 20s, drinking and partying tons. H is having EA and PA with one of them. I worry that when his relationship dissolves with OW, he is going to hurt himself or others or fall into a deep depression. he had a crappy childhood that he has not dealt with at all. He needs to be healthy for the kids. UGH! I think I worry to much.
He is close to an hour coming home late from work. I got the easter baskets ready. But I suppose he will come in from lame excuse for being late and be pissed I did the baskets. I suppose I am need to stay up until middle of night when he gets home to do the baskets. What an idiot! I am not sure why I keep on trying - well part of it is our kids are too young to go thru this. My oldest would never recover from us getting a divorce. I really hate how people say kids get over it! Ummmm - yeah the adults should work it out. H is so ready to throw his hands in the air so easily. He would like me to believe he has been working on saving us for years. When was I going to find out that he was so unhappy. My counselor says it is common for MLCer to say they were unhappy from honeymoon period on (which is 2 to 3 years into the marriage.)
The thing is that he turns his anger on and off. He rarely yells at me in front of kids. It probably is BC we rarely are around kids together at same time due to working opposite shifts. He can be so negative towards me, then answer his phone and be nice. I am the one that gets all the meanness.
I know I need to set boundaries, but not sure where to start. I have been concentrating on gal and detaching. He does not even admit to ow, they are just friends. He is starting to put her ahead of kids. It is so sad BC he was such a great dad. Ugh!; grrrr! rutrow!;!
Did anyone have to set boundaries while spouse was still in house? If so, where did you start?
I am disgusted by him having ea and pa. I want to be intimate with him, but have not since it would be disgusting. Weird huh - I want to be with him, but am disgusted by it. The OW is like McDonald's 1 billion served. When I think of both of us being with someone else it makes me sick to my stomach. How can he do this to me? We said vows and it is just supposed to be us together.
What have all of you done to block this out of your mind or deal with it?
I, too, am disgusted by my H behavior. I also go through the how's and why's. I sometimes still can't believe what is happening or how we even got here. Then my focus started changing from H to my own feelings towards him. I have lost so much respect for H, his lack of respect for our M and vows. I honestly wonder, could I ever feel close to him again? If he all of a sudden said let's work on this, do I really want to at this point? Focusing on my own thought and feelings inside of Me, not his but mine, has helped me to detach and keeps me mentally busy while also exploring my wants and needs.
I hope that helps.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Thanks for the advice. I am trying hard to work on detaching and GAL. Sometimes I am really good, and then I have not so good moments. It is so hard to watch him destroy everything he has and not even care because he is so selfish. And then I wonder, do he even know how crazy he is being? I will start to think of me and kids more - hopefully that will help.
I got to see the monster today and he was at work. YEAH! So here is the story. I have been working hard on GAL and detaching. A mutual friend of ours invited us over for Easter, H could not go because he was at work. He knew where we would be and about the time. I had my phone on silence and did not pay attention to it because I was having so much fun. Normally lately when I with H, I am on phone as distraction, as he is on phone to OW texting. So he called his normal time and I did not answer, and he sent a few texts. So I sent a text saying the girls were outside having fun. He then called our friends house asking about me. Then we left late and he called while we were traveling and I do not answer phone while driving. Before we got home, he called our friend looking for us. He said I want to know where my kids are each time. It is like he does not want me to GAL, and he got more and more paranoid tonight because I was not talking to him. Then he got home told me he was annoyed. I told him my phone was on silence and it would have been rude to answer the phone during Easter dinner. Then he brought up that I got a text during our dinner the other night. I told him it does not matter it is in the past and we cannot change tonight and I am done with it. Then he went and got his booze and left with OW. Now I get a text that he is blowing off steam and will be home later. Whatever. He has not sent me a text of what he was doing after work for a couple weeks now. What gives? This is crazier behavior that I have seen before. It is like he wants complete control over me.
I am so confused and pissed. How dare he expect me to be at his beck and call. That is 2 nights this week that he has freaked out. Maybe he thinks I am running away, because he has been such an arse lately.
So those that have been through this or those looking from outside what in the world is going on? What does this mean? UGH...HELP?
I don't know scooby, but I would just keep doing what you're doing. Maybe your DB'ing and GAL'ing is starting to work? He's getting annoyed that you're not paying as much attention to him, perhaps? The pursuit and distance cycle...let him think you're too occupied to get annoyed by him for a while...
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
He expects you to be right where he left you 24/7. Continue moving forward and doing what you've been doing. Little Boy Blue needs to learn that life doesn't sit still while he's playing in the parade.
Keep the focus on you and your family.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
