WH, I am thinking of you today. I have been right where you are - thinking it was all about to be done, then seeing XH renege on his agreements and seemingly 'win' in regards to settlement.
They have to do it this way, these guys who show such a pattern to their behaviour in mlc. They can't agree to anything we offer, or let us win in any way. They will go to trial rather than agree with us about anything.
Keep handing it over to your L, and know that this will be over, eventually.
It's weird and pathetic that these WASs go on like this, but it is just what they do. My L described my XH as "clearly unhinged".
Is there something you can focus on in terms of moving your life forwards? Doesn't have to be H-related... any sort of change or project you can throw yourself into to make you realise that you are achieving something new?
I have bursts where I re-arrange the house, plant stuff out, investigate my financial options, paint walls, repair things, etc. Shows me I'm actually moving on, and makes me feel so much better.
And re your comment: "I feel like an idiot for even being sad about this whole thing. It's been two years but it still doesn't feel real at times. I am really wondering if I have changed and grown at all."
If it helps at all, I feel just the same. I think what we're feeling must be normal for what we've gone through.
There is still just a part of me that still falls for his dam gaslighting. I should know better right? How many times has he threatened me and it's all been for naught? H knows I still have that bit of doubt from being tossed out of my house. He plays on that.
I miss the kids so much. It feels so wrong not to have them with me. I still am not feeling well. And that doesn't help.
I don't know how much else I can endure? It's got to end sometime right?
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Yes, it will end sometime. Meanwhile, just let your lawyer handle this. I don't see how you can mediate with someone like your h. Going to trial might be your best option to get this done. Maybe with a reasonable offer from you on the table, and you being obviously willing to go to trial, he'll cave.
Please dont beat yourself up at all for it taking time. This is a trauma.
Not only is it a trauma but then the gas lighting that comes along with it really can make someone insane.
People on the outside dont understand what we have gone through. Its really hard.
They need to find ways to blame you and to make any actions you take evil. No matter what you do they will turn it into something malipulative or angry.
you seem to have a really good lawyer. Trust him.
Also when your kids get home, where they belong you will all of a sudden feel better
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
I don't know WHY H insists on dragging this out when there is NOTHING to drag out. We have child support, maintenance, and the credit card. Period. This is NOT worth going to trial over. There is NOTHING to financially mediate.
He drags this stuff out for the drama factor and then turns it on me that I am dragging it out. But once this is over, there is nothing more between H and I. Nothing except child exchanges. My mom thinks maybe he is dragging this out not only to "win" but because he also realizes that when this is over there is nothing holding him back to belonging to OW. And maybe something inside doesn't want that to happen? I don't know if that is true, but H made his bed, now he can lie in it.
The thing that H kept mentioning over and over was the fact that my attorney wants us to "ante up" every 4 months so that any money he has made over his base amount can be acknowledged and rectified. H wants to do this once a year. Surely so he can have more time to hide the money if needed. My attorney said my kids should not be deprived of that money for any longer than necessary. And I agree.
H also made a mention that the social worker told him specifically that she saw no reason whatsoever why we shouldn't have 50/50 placement of the kids. I don't believe him. Number one, the social worker would NEVER tell him that. She never made any mention of it to me. Number two, H lies. All the time. Number three, if that is true, then why did he make an agreement with me to give me the kids 8/6? I don't trust him or believe any words that come out of that miserable mouth. He just annoys me. I wish he would just leave me alone and get this done.
I know it is all to wear me down. Like a two year old who wants a new toy. And H knows I am out of money. That's another part of it. But if I am out of money, he can't be far behind.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
So, why not push to have this settled and get on w/your life? It's time to push this to the max and do not let up on him. In a way, your mother is correct...but I am going one step further. Once everything is settled, he will no longer have any control over you and he will not be able to come up w/idle threats about money or the children. In a very sick way, he's losing control over you and the situation and yes, he's even losing the one last thread that binds you together. I don't think that he ever thought it would go this far in his own sick little mind, but his actions have pushed you off the mountain and now, he's got to take care of himself and the ow.
A lot of them will drag their feet even when there is nothing else to settle, but in the end, we have to be the ones to do the final pushing to end it.
As for what your h keeps saying about your attorney, tell him to pack sand. He doesn't know what he's talking about and when he gets his law degree, then you'll listen to what he has to say. He's using every tactic to get you to listen and trust him, not your lawyer. Your lawyer is right about one thing...your children shouldn't be deprived of the money no longer than necessary. In fact, many people who have children divorce and I have never heard of a lawyer wanting to "ante up" every 4 months. If anything, once the divorce and child issues are resolved, they are than happy to wish you well and move on to other cases. Now, if they are ambulance chasers or money grubbing lawyers who know what they are dealing w/when it comes to crazy making, then yes some of them will do it. But those who know their clients and know that they are trying to do the right thing, you shouldn't have to contact them again once everything is settled, unless, of course, you want to spend money.
So, whatever he's telling you about your lawyer, get your sand bucket out and pack it w/sand and the next time he mentions anything about your lawyer, hand him the filled bucket and tell him to figure it out.
No more discussions w/him about your lawyer because all it's doing to you is driving you nuts.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You are correct, Job. H hates hates hates my lawyer. HATES. He will stop at nothing to get me to dump my lawyer. And why on earth would I dump him? He's done a good job thus far.
I don't know how to push to get this settled. I really don't. I think that would be up to my lawyer. I am waiting to hear from them. With the kid issue we had a GAL that forced H's hand. I don't know who will take on that role now?
Why does he want control over me? Seriously? He should watch the movie "Frozen" with the kids and just "Let it Go" already!
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
The thing that H kept mentioning over and over was the fact that my attorney wants us to "ante up" every 4 months so that any money he has made over his base amount can be acknowledged and rectified. H wants to do this once a year. S
Then why not offer a compromise of every 6 months? Although I have to say, usually child support is set and then can be revisited later if his income goes up - are you really expecting his income to go up by that much? If his income goes DOWN, you will suffer that much sooner. Can't support be based on his income and bonuses from last year, and then re-adjusted yearly? Every four months does not sound "standard".
Quote:
My mom thinks maybe he is dragging this out not only to "win" but because he also realizes that when this is over there is nothing holding him back to belonging to OW
So why not use some reverse psychology to get him to move? "H, we really don't have much to disagree over here, other people have told me they think you are dragging this out because you're still in love with me and reluctant to let go?" He'll probably settle as fast as possible, just to "prove" that's not it! LOL
LOL! That's funny, KML. I can see the smoke coming from his ears! LOL!
I am not dead set on every four months, so if that is the only objection, I am willing to let it go. My attorney and I are concerned because we never know when H will start working overtime and getting bonuses. I don't think his income will go down. This is more of a process to capture bonuses and extra money that he will clearly hide from me. I would be okay with every 6 months.
The more I calm down the more I realize H is running scared. We are getting close to the end and I think he is chicken. I am not sure why, but I get the feeling he is dragging things out for a reason. I don't know how he thinks he will afford this house, but that's not really my problem. Maybe he's trying to stall to come up with another tactic? But I will try to push to get this done.
Still waiting to hear from my attorney. I wish this was a faster process.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
I just went to the bank to withdraw my half of the tax return. My attorney told me to alert him if all the funds were not available. Well, there is a hold of about $140 on the account due to multiple overdrafts ($90) and a force close account fee of $50. So there is even more money H owes me. I told my attorney about it and I also notified H about it. Even if he claims it was a marital account and we should split the overdraft, he owes me money. And I don't think we should split the overdraft. I was not responsible for that overdraft. I know EXACTLY what that overdraft was for.
As I was speaking to the paralegal, she received a letter to the courts from H and H, as promised, is asking for a financial mediator to be ordered because we cannot come to an agreement. It turns out H still has a bee in his bonnet because of the contempt charges. Long story short, H won't settle unless we drop the contempt charges.
I just got a message from H telling me that overdraft from the bank is a mistake and I should demand my money. HA! I told him he needed to contact the bank and take care of it and get me my money. LOL!
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
