Got OFF limbo after 3 yrs

[newman7977]

Hi all,


Been a while since my last update, only because there was not much to update:). Up until thanksgiving last year.

I figure it was time to do something different. We were in limbo for 3 years and so I initiated the separation.

It was a long process, I had to figure out how we'd pull it off. There was a lot of back and forth to sell the house or we nest custody at the end we both agreed to refi and she bought me out. I would've love to keep the house but I couldn't afford it, actually I'm not sure she can afford either but she said she can.

The refi went through and we signed papers two weeks ago, and I moved out last weekend. I drafted a separation agreement that includes division of monthly bills (credit cards relating to kids expenses, she will take care of house related bills it's her house now) and 50/50 schedule with the kids. She agreed and we both signed and notarized the agreement.

Continuing.....

[newman7977]

Fast forward to the last weekend. I was busy moving, I feel like I'm sleeping at a hotel, I miss my home but I had to do this for my sanity.

I couldn't detach while living with W in the same roof, it was a roller coaster one minute I'm doing fine one minute I'm depress. Issues of trust and anger and hurt feelings were always feels raw. I had to remove myself from that sitch, I need to heal.

I don't see in the phone records of any contact with OM, but I don't believe it. I notice she carries her laptop all over the house, this is new behavior of hers the last 6months. I didn't have the energy to snoop anymore and I'm pretty much done.

I accepted that this separation will push her to OM. Of course I rather she don't get together with OM, but I have no control of that. If this is how she really wants in her life then it's her choice, the cage is open. Anyway that's her journey.

It's been a few days living single dad and I feel better in a sense that there are some sense of closure. I still miss my W, but she assured me she has no feelings for me...I have to accept that.

Her eyes were puffy, I can tell she's been crying the last few days, it hurts me to see her suffer not having the kids all the time, but my kids need me too, it is best that we have 50/50 custody.

I still want my family back, but I'm moving forward and not looking back. If she wants to join me in this journey I will welcome her but if not, I know I will be ok.

Of note, when we were signing the separation agreement 2 weeks ago, she showed me the D papers. It was filed last summer but she couldn't give it to me because she felt really bad for the kids. I have not signed it so it's not final and I told her that at a minimum, I'll schedule a mediator before signing it.

So here we are separated. I have my own room at my mom's house I figured in about 6-12 months I'll get my own house just need to save up.

How do I feel? Not too bad actually, but I'm working on some negative emotions. The pain is still there, there some sadness. I have anger and resentments when I see her, I think to myself, how could she betray me and the kids. I'm just being honest I feel those but I recognize It's negative and I have to forgive.

But overall, I feel ok. It feels like there's finally a direction in my life. I look forward to getting my own house and to continue to be there for my kids.

Thanks for reading.

[newman7977]

Previous threads:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...130#Post2278130

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...358#Post2286358

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...878#Post2327878

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...780#Post2352780

Hope the linkies work

Newman

[AnotherStander]

I couldn't detach while living with W in the same roof, it was a roller coaster one minute I'm doing fine one minute I'm depress. Issues of trust and anger and hurt feelings were always feels raw. I had to remove myself from that sitch, I need to heal.

Very sorry to hear things weren't working out, but it sounds like you're doing what is best for you and even though I'm sure you'll struggle for a while, once you adjust to your "new normal" I think you'll be feeling a lot better about it!

I think to myself, how could she betray me and the kids. I'm just being honest I feel those but I recognize It's negative and I have to forgive.

Most WAS's walk because their perception is that THEY were betrayed by the LBS. Going back to one of your first posts you stated this:

Our lives have been hectic, kids, work, money you know the usual reality of life. W dropped the bomb last year as I mentioned in my first post. She had complaints about our relationship but stupid me didn't pay attention. Her complaints was we became distant, didn't do dating like couple would do, I didn't have time for her, didn't talk to her, what else? That's all I remember for now. I really didn't think these were a big deal until the bomb. Oh and she told me I wasn't really a good father.

Whether the above is true or not, it is her perception and to her that's all that matters. So her perception is that you were a poor husband and father, that you betrayed the marriage contract. I'm not telling you this to guilt trip you, it is to help you realize that there are two views to your sitch- yours and hers. You each see your own view quite clearly but do not see the other person's view well (if at all). And thus resentment and anger builds up. If you realize that she is hurting just as much as you, and that she feels just as wronged as you do, then perhaps you can eventually replace the resentment with compassion. When we can have compassion towards our WAS then it makes it easier for us to address our own wrongs and also to build a bridge to them that at a minimum helps with co-parenting but also may lead towards a future reconciliation.

[newman7977]

Thanks AS. Just caught your sig line and your D is final? So sorry to hear that. I gotta catch up on your sitch.

So yesterday, she has the boys. I went to the house to spend some time with them. S4 is doing fine, he was playing with me and s14 well he's busy with his computer games but I managed to interact with him.

To my surprise W was chatty and spent most of the time with me and S4 in the living room. Back when, she would be in the master bedroom and practically there til morning. She did most of the talking, and I just listened I wasn't rude I treated her just like talking to a co worker.

She got a phone call with SIL and I thought that was my cue and I said my 'night to the boys. S4 said he'll miss me, I told him he gets to stay to his other house with dad on Friday. Actually they're with me this weekend.

After leaving I rode my bike for about an hour feels good to exercise. Been exercising 6x a week. This weekend I'll check out meetup web to find some groups to go dining or checking out places or whatever. Got to stay busy.

Newman

[newman7977]

It's been one week since separation. I'm actually doing better than I thought. For the first time I actually get some sleep. The last 3 yrs living with the WAW, well I loss sleep due to I want to keep reaching out to her and looking at her while we sleep in same bed then my mind would constantly spin. This week the latest I stayed was midnight so I'm getting there

S14 is adjusting ok, I bought him a PC for his gaming needs so his life is not so interrupted with this new normal.

S5 on the other hand is getting sadder by the day:( yesterday my Stbx ask if she could take him to an event she had free tix. She did tell me I could go if I wanted to but I just said I'll pass and she can take s5.

At night she dropped him off at my place, s5 is getting sick and gave him kids tylenol before bed. We slept well.

Stbxw text me how is s5 doing and I told her he was sad but he's over it. She then replied he missed his home. And I replied back well my home is also now his home and he needs to adjust.

I think she insinuating that I dropped him off there to her house but that's not good for S5 how is he going to get use to this set up I think to myself.

So i texted her back and said, you are more than welcome to visit him at my place but on my days I will not take him to your house. He needs to get use to this and if anything you can visit him. She replied ok.

This morning she came by and gave him time and cooked Bfast for him. I left because s14 and I go on bike rides on Sundays.

Recall, I'm staying at my mom temporarily, and she heard STBXW talking to her D cousin about our sitch, about the refi and who knows what else. There is this worry that she might be telling her about full custody etc, again I have no proof but maybe I'm just worrying about nothing. I just don't see her angle to do that and if she does then we will have a costly battle with attorneys.

This makes me think about finalizing the D, while she still agree on 50/50 custody and get that finalize in court. Idk, we'll see.

So next Sunday is Easter and I ask her if I can take the kids to church in the morning since she I let her have s5 yesterday.

So far it's amicable. I hope no one in her family poisons her mind. I hope she gets that I as the father have the rights to be with me half of the time is that too much to ask for?

Next weekend is her weekend with the kids. We take turns on weekends.



Newman

[jbnati]

newman, good to hear from you again. I found your thread when I was doing one of my sporadic drive-bys.

I remember those days, when my W and I started the physical separation. My best advice to you is look at things a being kind of clean slate right now. Keep doing a lot of things you're doing and staying busy with healthy, productive activities.

I think it can be exciting and sad all at the same time.

[planet]

Nice to hear from you Newman.

I'm sorry it had to end like this but I assure you the days are going to get better.

[newman7977]

I think it can be exciting and sad all at the same time.

Thanks for the drive-by JB! What you said there is ^^^exactly what I feel right now:)

I hope all is well with you.

Newman

[newman7977]

Nice to hear from you Newman.

I'm sorry it had to end like this but I assure you the days are going to get better.

Thanks for stopping by planet! How have you been these days? Yes I believe that better days are ahead:)

Newman