Hey guys, Just felt the need to get something out of my system.
It's Easter and XMIL has asked the kids and me over for lunch (like we always did as a family).
We haven't seen or heard from them for months.
Likewise XH - who has gone NC since he announced to S15 that he was getting married.
I'm dreading going to visit Xparents-in-law. I keep running through what I'm going to say when they ask questions.
Like: What have you been doing over Easter break?
Oh, just the usual. Washing, ironing, cleaning, gardening, repairing, shopping for food, driving S15 and D18 all over town, falling down dead from fatigue...
Have you seen XH? No, we don't frequent the sorts of places he goes to on a daily basis - the cafes, restaurants, bars, expensive shops.... Plus I believe he's been on numerous holidays overseas and interstate again and so he's rarely here.
How are your (elderly and frail) parents, NLW.
Depressed and ill as well as broken, financially, by your son, who stole their life savings.
Why hasn't D18 got her drivers' licence yet? Because she is depressed to the point that she can't act or make a decision. She has been lumped with a wreck of an old car by her father, and she is unable to pay to get it moved out of our driveway.
Why is she so angry? Because she has been abandoned financially by her father and has had to pay for her own education, clothes, lifestyle on the back of doing 6 hours work a week as a casual checkout operator.
And, to top it all off.. Here are your easter eggs, NLW. Thank you. Sorry that I can't give you any in return. But you know that i have been left with massive debts and that your son does not pay child support.. so I don't have enough even to buy food for your grandchildren, let alone chocolate for you.
So, got that out of my system, I hope. I suppose i will just smile and avoid and act like everything is just great for the kids and me.
I can't get over the feeling that XH is getting away with everything. His parents seem content to act as if we've just had a 'normal' marriage breakdown and divorce, and that he's just moved on with a new relationship.
I know that people will tell me that the truth will out, without the need for me to divulge the dirty details.... it's just a feeling of unfairness that I have to work out of my system by venting here.
In case it sounds like i'm focusing purely on XH... we have really been relishing this time of NC from him and putting him out of our thoughts. The contact from his parents has brought it all back up... I would rather not see them, but that's not good for the kids. They have said that they don't want to go on their own.
I was in a similar situation back in November. It was a few weeks after my H moved out, and my in-laws said they were going to be in town, and wanted to go to breakfast with me. I started off doing the same thing you did - I was dreading it, I was trying to figure out what they were going to say and how they were going to act, and how I was going to respond and how I was going to react, and boy was it exhausting.
I decided (with the help of some more level headed DB friends!) to go into it with no expectations. Just open heart, open mind. So I did. And honestly, it was lovely. Probably the best time I have ever had with them.
Try to remember that your in-laws are not your H. They are not responsible for his behavior (hell, they probably don't even know about most of it!), and they are probably hurting too. Try to focus less on the fact that they haven't been in touch for a while, and focus on the fact that they reached out and want to spend time with you and the kids. It will probably feel awkward for them, too.
If I were you, I would just stay off the topic of your H completely. You don't have to fake anything - but you also don't have to tell the whole truth or vent. Think about what you would tell someone who is a casual acquaintance. When that kind of person asks how you are, you know you're supposed to say "great" even if you're not. If they start asking specific questions, you can just say that you are glad to be with them and would love to just enjoy celebrating the holiday together.
Good luck . . . I can't even imagine what you are going through right now, and I know you have been through so much already - but who knows? - maybe you can have a pleasant R with your in-laws.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Of course, i did not say a word to them about XH. I never do.
We had an OK time, but it was sad to be there and be reminded again of what we have lost.
S15 looked like he was about to cry most of the time...
I can't get over the feeling that by not talking about what XH has done, we are all enabling his egregious behaviour. I think his parents have done this all of his life. And they are so insensitive: Oh, NLW, we have just bought this terrific thermo cooker. It cost $2,500. You should get one - it'd be prefect for you to cook for the kids in one pot and so quickly.
And: Oh NLW does your mother still drive?
No, she had to give us her car.
Oh well, good thing, I suppose, at her age...
Like WTF?
But anyway, no longer my place to try to put the brakes on XH, nor is it my concern. And if his parents want to ignore what he's done to us... that's their prerogative too.
I got a tension headache from being there though - all that fake smiling, and trying to think of what to say next.
Anyway, I'll get over it, but hope i don't have to see them again soon. It's too painful. They seem only to want to wheel us out for 'festival ' days - Easter and Xmas, none of the hard day-to-day slog. Again, makes me mad but that's just who they are.
Why did you go? It seems you knew it was going to drag up a lot of stuff?
Labug, Good question. This really got me thinking.
I agreed to their invitation because it was the right thing to do. To me, when someone is kind enough to invite you to a meal in their home, you go along unless you have a good reason not to.
I think I have a lot of these ideas about doing things because it is the 'right thing'.
Also, the kids wanted to see their grandparents but needed me to drive them there (they live a fairly long way away). They can't understand why they seem to be so uninvolved in our lives now.
I have tried to maintain a good relationship with them, but in the last 6 months or so, they have been increasingly NC (this coincided with the looming undefended trial over assets).
I suppose it was in the back of my mind that if I rebuffed their invitation, I would be pegged as the poisonous bit_h that my XH says I am - keeping him and his parents away from our kids.
Do you think your ILs are happy people?
I don't know if they are happy... I think they are kind of nutty. Conflict avoiders and silent tolerators of things that should be brought out in the open.
The father was morbidly obese until he had to have part of his oesophagus and stomach removed due to cancer recently. He is the king of inappropriate comments, insensitive taunts and juvenile smutty jokes. The mother wouldn't say boo to a goose, but keeps feeding her husband fatty, sugary food until he is fit to burst.
Their other son is an alcoholic, but no one mentions the fact that he sleeps overnight in pub carparks when he is too drunk to drive.. and there are constant jokes about the time he vomited all over his infant son who was lying next to him in bed, after another night on the tiles....
The family patriarch, XH's grandfather, was a successful businessman who sent his young children to boarding school even though he lived in the same city as them. His son, XH's father, dropped out of university and ran away to the farthest reaches of our country to take a menial job as soon as he was married. His sons have slipped further down the ladder: XH's brother stopped work to go on the dole aged 30; XH of course is now living off his second female victim.
So no, I doubt that they are 'happy people' in my way of thinking about what should make one happy. But, I also doubt that they are sufficiently self-aware even to contemplate the question.
Well, phew, glad I got that out of my system!
Lots of questions, I know. I hope today is a better day for you.
Yes, it will be. I am taking the kids to a football game, visiting my parents, and enjoying a beautiful autumn day full of sunshine. I am also watching Game of Thrones from the start in a sort of marathon with S15. It's his favourite show and although i am worried by the language and sex scenes that crop up, I realise that as he's already seen it, i might as well get in there and discuss these things with him. Challenging, but a good bonding opportunity.
So glad you went to your IL. I think everyone no matter how eloquent doesnt know what to say or ask in this awkward situations. Of course they asked some odd questions but I think its hard for everyone. It was nice that they included you.
How lucky are we to have healthy & beautiful kids??!!
Have you joined any self help groups, they really have helped me get practical advice on daily hard situations?
Also I know its tough with the older kids but just do your best to tell them "even though it doesnt seem like it right now, your dad loves you so much" I am sure he does loves them, he is just being very selfish right now.
Hang in there, this is hard sh!t
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
My kids are with their dad for the majority of spring break. My son hates it. He wants to be with me, but right now there isn't anything I can do about it. I hate telling him to make the best of it, but it is what it is.
One day these MLC'ers will have to face the fallout from their kids. And I cannot imagine anything more hurtful that your own child wanting nothing to do with you. That is tragic. If your X or my X cannot see that, then it is their loss.
We can just protect ourselves and our kids the best way possible. That is to move ahead and leave these guys to flop around like a fish out of water. My counselor says as long as the kids have me they will be okay.
Take care of yourself. WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Thanks for the suggestion about SH groups - I sure can use some help with the day-to-day stuff. I will find out what's on offer around here.
Re the kids, yes, they are a blessing and I can't imagine how any one can choose to be without them. I do tell my kids that dad can't help what he's doing; that he's going through some turmoil but that he loves them deeply and always will.
Last time I said this to S15, though, he replied "It's not that i don't think he loves me... it's that i don't love him any more."
At this point he broke down and cried and asked "Do you know what it's like not to love your father?"
All I could say was "No, I don't". It broke my heart.
Yesterday he said, out of the blue: "How come, if he loves me, he comes over and announces he's getting married and then just doesn't come back?" [XH has been completely NC for over a month since he arrived on our doorstep unexpectedly and stayed for 5 mins to tell S15 - and only S15 - his news] "If he cares about me, why would he do that? And why does he keep telling me he cares when he treats me like that?"
The mis-match between how XH treats them and the guy that his parents refer to when we are there for a family lunch is just a bit hard to take. It's like we all want to tell them what an a-hole he really is to us because they see him as exactly the same good ol' guy.
So yeah, this is hard [censored]... more for them these days than for me. I can leave this guy behind, but the kids can't.
But... worse stuff happens to people. We are healthy and privileged to live the sort of life that we do. Got to take the best we can out of the situation we find ourselves in.
If they start asking specific questions, you can just say that you are glad to be with them and would love to just enjoy celebrating the holiday together.