living with WAW who hasn't walked yet (3)

[zew]

OK, confirmed today, W is dumping OM.
She doesn't like the way he is controlling their R. She realizes that in 5 years, he'll be doing the same thing (i.e. not D'ing his W, but just having A on the side.) She can't keep doing this for 9 years (until S9 is 18?) And OM is a distraction preventing her from succeeding in her career. And she wants to make sure she doesn't fall back into bad habits in the next few weeks. And she was almost over him last time. (that was 5 weeks of NC then, so I gotta sit tight.)

My Lord, she's almost lucid.

She is still done with Zew. "Zew is too serious." "Zew wants everything his way." "Zew blames me for everything." "Zew is a narcissist." "Zew is a sociopath." She needs someone who can be more fun.

It's true - Zew should be a little more fun. Time to seriously get some fun going with the kids.

And I held back some money this month from her because life insurance was due, and the oil truck came the other day!!!! And she blamed me for not budgeting well. And she threatened that I would have to buy food then. I told her that what I gave her more than covered the monthly food bill. And then I find out she bought a new pair of shoes today...

So I guess my status is that I now have a WAW that in not in an A. And for some reason that feels better.

[zew]

Now this may seem just weird...

I'm damned proud of my W.
She broke off with OM because it wasn't in line with her career.

That's my girl, dammit! That's a solid choice.

The kind of thing that you'd high five. (?!) And if we ever R, that makes things so much easier than if OM did it or I forced it. And yet, I'm entirely sidelined. But when I see her do the right things, I do want her back.

[Devaste]

Zew,

Great news. Hope all goes well , I'm pulling for you. Unfortunately, I'm not at that stage yet. Good luck!

Dev

[MrBond]

Just FYI, don't get your hopes up too high. She'll be waffling for awhile and may even go back to him. Just keep concentrating on you and make yourself a catch she won't want to throw back.

[zew]

Thanks, Dev. Don't worry, Mr. Bond, my expectations are low, but I am encouraged by the change.

I would hope that in 4 to 6 weeks she may start coming through the withdrawal, who knows to where, but at least it's forward motion...

As of today, she still "cares about OM, hasn't heard from him, and doesn't want any of his bullsh1t" so she seems to be holding the line so far on NC. Last time she made it 5 weeks of NC before going back to OM. I think she'll pull it off this time. The thrill is gone.

If she's up before I leave in the morning, I say good morning, and goodbye before I leave. We may eat dinner together, after which she goes to our bedroom to hide, while I spend my evening with the kids.

She is horribly depressed and not sleeping, in spite of AD's and sleeping pills. She has discovered that the A wasn't the answer, just another man trying to control her. She is staying in bed late and sobs that she has no reason to get up in the morning. She feels imprisoned in her own life and house. "The noose is tightening around my neck." She is paranoid that D12 is spying on her on my behalf, because D12 asks her where she was if she goes out. I think she fears losing her R with D12. She is very low right now.

She is furious with me because I won't give her full access to our finances and won't pay her CC that she has now maxed out. She says she hates me, is convinced we have no future and she doesn't even want to try to R. She says she is past the point of no return, and MC would be useless. Her therapist supports her in this. In one sentence she wonders why she just can't go back to what was because that would be easier than the hell she is living now, but the thought of me touching her, or having a conversation with her repulses her. When I laugh with the kids, she wants to "come and smack me". "I can't wish death upon him soon enough."

I've heard all of this before, of course, and it's like water off a duck's back at this point.

None of this was said directly to me. To me, she still denies the A.

And so, I wait. There are no small gains, no incremental goals really. Just hoping she gets to bottom out this time. Hoping she starts thinking on her own post-OM without the gaggle of pro-D friends pushing her down that path too quickly.

It is so much easier for me now that she isn't cake eating though.

[zew]

W received a call from OM yesterday and they talked for 15 minutes. Just chit chat as friends, but ended with W saying "Catch up with you soon?" So she made it 11 days. She says she isn't going to pursue him, but apparently she doesn't mind him pursuing her.

And she has a new line of lies about me that she is telling her friends. More about me hiding money on her because I won't give her a year of bank statements. Even if we recover, I don't know how we live in this town.

She is still going on about me not putting money in her account, and if she took 1 minute to look instead of smearing me, she'd see I put the money in her account 8 days ago.

I am at a total loss here right now.

I want to call her out on all the finance BS.

[KGirl]

Zew, I missed this somewhere - where is all this info coming from re: what she thinks/says if it's not directly said to you?

[zew]

I am going to talk myself into doing the right thing here...

So W is telling several people that "Zew is so mean, he only put $x on my CC this month and I have to buy food and clothes for the kids..."

In fact, I put $250, then $x, then $x again spread over two paychecks. W was told of all these, but she tends to not hear much of what I say, and she is not in the habit of ever looking at her balance, even when she is so close to the limit.

There is one particular person she has told this story. This person knows everything of our sitch. She was a good friend to both of us. In fact, back in Jan. a few days after my W told her everything, I met her and told her everything. She is one of a few of W's friends that I think W would really listen to. Although she seems to get that it is a bad idea to make life altering decisions while in an A, she has turned out to be pro-W and pro-D. (she ratted me out to W on my visit to her)

I was very tempted to show this friend the CC transaction sheet showing payments of $2x+250, just to show that W is not being straight with her. My thought was that maybe if she realizes that W is lying about that, a whole lot of her story might not add up, and she might use her influence with W to help her back to reality. And it wouldn't be me controlling, she'd be confronted with facts. And since she knows everything, what can a few facts hurt?

However, I realize that she ratted me out once, and would probably do it again. And even if she came to know that W was lying to her, I have no reason to believe she would be any more sympathetic. I used to think she was a reasonable friend, but in spite of seeing W in complete confusion, she is the one urging W to file before I do. I'm sure she just wants W to be happy.

And so, I keep my facts to myself.

[PeterV2]

I know it's extremely difficult keeping your head together when she's spewing lies constantly. I know my WAW is constantly lying. That's what they say: don't believe anything she says. Seems like she's waffling on the A but that's to be expected. It's very difficult to go cold turkey on an addiction and that's what As are.
Not sure, but maybe I would tell her I know how hard it is to end the relationship with him. You'll still have feelings for him but they will fade with time. You made the right choice to put your career first and you should be proud of yourself for having the strength to do that. I know I'm proud of you for that.
Like I said, I'm not sure that would be productive, but I don't think it would hurt. At least you're validating her actions.

[zew]

On the other hand, if this friend is already pro-W, pro-D, what do I have to lose by revealing that W is spinning lies including to her?

My only appeal to this friend when I spoke to her in January was that W should be on an even keel before making any major life decisions, whatever those turned out to be. (She was just starting on AD's back then.)

I'm not asking for anything more now.