Yup, maybe this book or that site will tell me the exact thing to do at the exact time for this sitch to change it instantly.
I did go and get my haircut today...told her that I wanted something different...it is different, cute, younger. And I'm getting highlights tomorrow! usually just color it, no highlights!
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
Tired of limbo, tired of the roller coaster of emotions.
Had a busy day today but not without a lot of thinking of my H. I would like for him to send me a text or an email but I know that is not going to happen. He is where he is right now and I'm doing my best to accept that. I watched the movie "Fireproof" last night, very interesting. Wish it were that easy.
One of my husbands complaints is that I'm very negative. Now, I agree I can be and I know I used to be very negative but feel like I'm more positive now than when I was younger. I was discussing an old email with my IC today. H wanted to spend $500 on "things for the bedroom". I thought that was a lot of money to spend. He got very upset and said how negative I was, and just forget it. I didn't think I was being negative, just asking if we needed to spend that much money. My counselor agreed, thought I was being practical, not negative. I discussed the same email with my sister who gets that I was being practical but also enlightened me to his perspective a little. He was excited by all the stuff and I shot it down which in his mind was me being negative.
Sometimes when you are so close to things you can't see both sides. My intention was not to be negative or shut him down, just thought it was a lot of $$. I know I can't go back in time but I hope in the future if I have the opportunity I can see situations from his perspective and react differently.
Missing my H.
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
Not really much too say. Just feeling down. Fought with both older kids yesterday....they can make me so angry. And then I get "what is your problem, you have been so mean lately!" Which of course I don't really think I have but it certainly resonates with me. I feel like if they had any idea what was going on they would be a little more understanding and a little less selfish.
I am "working" today for the first time in 5ish years. A little nervous but I know it will be good for me. I'm subbing in middle school....yikes.
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
Hi lost, sorry to hear you are feeling down. Good for you for working! Hopefully it will be fun and will take your mind off your sitch.
Reading through your thread, I see you are doing the same thing I did for a while . . . you are analyzing your H's every move. That is going to keep you on the roller coaster. You have to choose to get off. There isn't one single thing he does that is going to change this sitch. Some things are promising signs, but you have to refuse to attach any expectations to them, or you will likely end up disappointed.
It sounds like you have not accepted your reality right now, and where your H is. Stop poking at him to see where he is. If you have another bad dream about him, keep it to yourself. Accept that right now, your H doesn't want to be married to you. I know that seems harsh but you have to do this or you will just be hurt again and again.
As far as kids are concerned, it is not their job to be understanding. Right now, they can obviously tell something is going on, and that is probably hard for them. Why is Mom acting different? What's wrong with Mom? (BTW, why have you not told them anything? They are definitely old enough to tell something is going on, and they may be angry when they find out you kept it from them.) So you need to be more understanding of them - this is probably confusing for them. Then, once you tell them, they will have their own feelings and hurt - so no, they are not there to be understanding. You are there to understand them. I know it is hard when you are hurting so much, but don't go to your kids for support and understanding. They come to you, and you go to your friends/IC/this board.
Get going with that GAL - don't lose your resolve! It is sooooo important for you to heal and keep moving forward.
Hang in there, you will be OK!!!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
You seem to be the voice of reality! I know what you are saying is true, just not quite sure how to do some of it. I guess it comes with time. I'm trying to accept where H is now, I just don't want to accept this is where he'll stay. I want to get to the point I'm doing things just for me but find myself doing things that he would want me to do, at least in regards to the house. I guess it's a 180 but doesn't really feel like it.
As far as the kids...I don't go to them for support, I just wish they didn't behave like kids sometimes! They don't know what is going on. Because of our circumstances, nothing has changed for them. They don't know that H and I don't talk, or anything about the situation. At the beginning, when I was not functioning I wanted to tell them. H did not, he wanted to wait until the end of the school year. I thought about it, talked to 2 counselors with differing opinions, tried to determine what was best, if I wanted to tell them for the right reasons....I decided not to tell them yet.
Saturday was my (H's) nieces wedding. It was a rough day emotionally but I survived. The wedding was very nice and it was good to see family (H's side) that I only really see once or twice a year, even though we live 10 minutes from each other. As far as I know, none of them, other than my one S-I-L and her H know what is going on. Making plans to go to a football game in Nov or Dec with them, which is great, we'll see what happens because H will be done overseas by then...can't worry about that now though. Just trying to take it one day at a time.
J
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
Trying to figure out how to not have expectations. I have to get over the "he could at least" mentality. Or at least get over trying to figure out his reasoning behind it. Definitely puts me on an emotional roller coaster I don't want to be on.
Still have not been GALing. Not that I sit around doing nothing but haven't done anything fun and exciting. Trying to plan a girls night but we are all busy with different family things it's hard to find a date that works. And I guess some of the other things I want to do I will just have to do on my own. I'm a co-dependent though and would like to have a friend to do them with.
I also spend too much time thinking about the past, which I can not change, and future (things H may or may not do) and it is driving me crazy. Trying to figure out when to go "home" this summer, and would like to coordinate it around H's leave. I would be lying if I said I didn't want to see him too, but in all honesty my kids would be devastated if they did not see him.
I'm feel like I'm stuck in limbo and can't pull myself through.
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
You NEED to GAL. Don't get stuck in finding the perfect activity. Just do SOMETHING. It doesn't have to be super exciting. Do you exercise? Many of us have found that regular exercise is a huge life saver. Yoga is also awesome. If you can't plan a girls' night, plan a girls' lunch, or coffee, or a walk. Or just do it with one of your friends. Doesn't have to be a big group and a big party. Find things you like to do on your own. Take a class. Volunteer somewhere. You will never get unstuck if you don't GAL.
It is extremely difficult to drop the expectations. It's a practice. Every time you catch yourself with an expectation, just give yourself a gentle reminder - no expectations.
Same with thinking about the past or guessing what the future holds. Right now you are in a place where you need to live one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. Focus on the here and now. When you find yourself thinking about the past or future, refocus your thoughts to the present. There is no magic way to do this, you just have to keep at practicing, and it will (very slowly) become easier.
You are only stuck in limbo if you let yourself be. Get moving!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Why is it the longer I go with NC the harder it is. I thought it would get easier. Feeling very sad about the sitch today...
Because you are in withdrawal, its like for an alcoholic to leave the alcohol, the first 90 days are the worst, this is due to a physical raction of the body, your relationship was acting phisically as a drug and no that you dont have it well you have withdrawal, dont worry it will pass!!
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
They don't know what is going on. Because of our circumstances, nothing has changed for them. They don't know that H and I don't talk, or anything about the situation. At the beginning, when I was not functioning I wanted to tell them. H did not, he wanted to wait until the end of the school year. I thought about it, talked to 2 counselors with differing opinions, tried to determine what was best, if I wanted to tell them for the right reasons....I decided not to tell them yet.