My last post was in October 2013 - almost 6 months ago. A lot has happened since. Quick history, I was a jerk, mentally abusive towards my wife and always working/going to school. My wife had emotional affair and physical affair with co-worker.
Almost a year ago I started the DB process and made a lot of mistakes in the process. I had to learn to take ownership for my actions and even though my wife's affair was wrong - my selfish actions drove her to OM. Last year was hands down the worse year of my life, with many nervous breakdowns and going to work looking like a mess. By November 2013 my wife had told me that she was never going to stop talking to OM. She continued to be cold, distant, rude and flat out cruel at times. While I wish I could say I kept my cool at all times, there were moments were I blew it. All in all though, I felt like I had given this my best shot and by November 2013 I filed for divorce. I pretty much agreed to give her everything (house, all the furniture, etc). I just wanted out.
By the end of February/early March, I finally began to feel confident and good about myself. I was functioning again and doing well at my job. In addition, I had just gotten a good raise at work and was beginning to feel hopeful and excited about the future. My wife had temporary moved out of the house to give me time to pack my stuff so I could leave. The divorce was set to be final by mid-March. My attorney had set a court date in the middle of March in the event that my wife did not sign the papers which were pretty generous. Literally a week before the divorce was to be finalized, my wife came over and told me that she wanted to make the relationship work. I was shock.
We talked a lot that night and many nights after about the relationship (she would bring up the topic rather than me). I told her that I had learned a lot about my mistakes and that I too wanted to save our marriage but that OM had to be completely gone from her life. At first she told me that she couldn't stop talking to him because she needed someone to talk to. Then a couple of days afterwards she told me that she is trying to not talk to him but that it is hard because he was there for her and now she feels like she is abandoning him now that her life is getting back together. I told her that OM was a dealbreaker and that if she felt the need to keep him in her life, that I would understand but would not be willing to work on the relationship under those conditions. She never really did respond to that and even now she has not acknowledged that what she did was wrong - which bothers me.
Nonetheless, she has been very adamant about going to counseling and even agreed to go to my counseling (which surprising she likes). So we've gone to one counseling session (which went well but the topic of OM was not mentioned although my counselor is well aware of the OM). So we've been trying to make this work for about a month now. We are both living at the house together and have gone on several dates which were really fun. I don't bring up any relationship talk unless she brings it up and have really been focusing on just letting my actions do the talking.
That said, I am beginning to get real bad anxiety. I have the feeling that she is still texting/talking to OM but I have not proof. The fact that she still works with OM bothers me a lot and her not admitting that the affair was wrong bothers me even more. Although I hold her at night and we are spending time together - I feel like a second class citizen around her. She refuses to kiss me, doesn't seem excited to be around me, and overall seems like I am doing all the pursuing.
So we have our next counseling session on Tuesday and I don't know what to do. I want to save this marriage but if I were to find out she still has interaction with OM - I am willing to walk away. I want to save this marriage and I do she her putting in some effort. I can see why she is hesitant in showing love towards me (I get the impression that she wants to see if my actions are consistent and true). I am trying to be understanding of where she is coming from but I don't know how to deal with the issue of the OM. Do I bring it up how I feel doing counseling while continuing to act like everything is cool when we are not in counseling? Is it unreasonable for me to ask her to quit her job or start looking elsewhere, etc? The fact that my wife wants to go on dates and has told me that she wants to start over/get to know me again gives me hope. I feel like I am going crazy again as last year was so hard that I don't want to go through that type of hurt again if she is not sincere about making this work. I graduate in May and had a job offer in another city that I was prepared to take but ended up turning down when my wife came to me. Somehow I feel like I am entering the piercing stage and this is hard emotionally on me. Help! Any advice would be appreciated.
Positives -Wife postpones divorce and indicates she wants to make it work -pushes to go to counselor (2nd session scheduled for Tuesday) -gone on several dates and had fun on each one -sleeping on the same bed
Negatives -still seems distance (never really making conversation and unresponsive when I try to talk about her day, what's going on in life, etc); only exception is when we go on a date -is very affectionate towards our daughter but not towards me -still works with OM and still is protective of her phone -doesn't seem to make the relationship a priority (comes home and wants to work on her PC, spend time with daughter, watch TV, etc) and seems annoyed when I try to spend time with her
Overall, I get the impression that my wife is just not that in to me and I worry that she still in contact with OM. This morning she told me that she needed to go water the flowers at her brothers house (brother lives less than ten minutes away and is out of town). It took her two hours to come back (she use to make similar excuses when she was seeing OM). After the year I went through in 2013, I don't want more of the same story. I want to make this marriage work but not if she is not going to put in the same effort.
A part of me thinks that I need to let this run its course, continue to DB, follow Sandy's rules and never bring up the relationship or OM. If she is ignoring me, than just stay positive and centered in who I am. The other part of me wants to vent to the counselor with my concerns. The problem I see is that that approach will drive her away from me. I feel conflicted because I was borderline suicidal last year and had several nervous breakdowns in 2013. Just recently I feel like I am enjoying life again and I don't want to go back into being an emotional mess if she is not serious about making this relationship work. I am willing to walk away and never look back but only if I feel she is not going to make the effort.
As starsky359 says many times, once you set a boundary stick to that boundary, you havent stick to the boundary and now it seems like she is cake eating....
You had found yourself but you decided to take a few steps back, why did you let her move to the house while she wasn't fully committed to the M? Its important that you tell the C how you feel about this despite of her reaction, the most important person in your life its you now and she has to change that pattern, otherways your changes will be seeing by her as fake, you understand?
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Today was rough. This morning my daughter had piano practice and afterwards as we were driving my wife made the comment that she will never visit my mom or sister. I told her that that was her choice but that I did not want to have a relationship were there is separation (separate family, friends, etc). She told me that I cannot control what she does. I told her that I understand but at the same time I feel that she is communicating that she does not value my feelings.
My wife has always not like my mom or sister. One of the chief reasons was that about 10 years ago when we first got married, we had a lot of marital problems and I walked out to live with my mom. My wife has always felt that my mom was wrong/against the marriage because of that. She doesn't like my sister because my sister made a comment one day that my wife was a "stuck up" since she rarely came to any of my family events.
When we got home, she told me that she is no longer going to hold back on her career, that her work and daughter are going to come before me and that I am going to have to live with it. I told her that I suppose her work and want her to advance but that she could have both a career and a marriage. She told me that I went to school, advanced in m career and that she is tired of putting everyone first. I told her that I will support her all the way but the marriage had to be a priority for both of us or else it is not going to work. She told me that she has to be in a position where she can support our daughter in the event that the marriage doesn't work out - ouch!!! I told her that I want to save our marriage but I was not going to tolerate not being a priority. She told me that she doesn't know if we are going to work out or if she wants to stay and that on Tuesday we needed to bring up these issues.
She took our daughter to visit her aunt/cousin who were in town and told me that I was not invited - that she needed alone time. After she left, I must have cried for a good hour and just felt defeated. This was what I was afraid of - that I would take a chance and have my emotions all screwed up again. Honestly, I don't feel confident that this is going to work. She gives me moments of happiness and hope - but I feel like she is on a different page and that marriage is just not that important to her as it is to me.
Today I had my counseling session and overall it was a disappointment.
In prior sessions, my wife has been the primarily one venting about all the issues she has had with me (mainly, I was absent due to work/school and mentally abusive). During those sessions I had basically tried to listen and validate her feelings.
So this session the counselor asked me to discuss how I felt neglected in the relationship. I brought up that throughout the marriage I felt that my wife was not interested in my life, refused to change her last name, not affectionate, critical, and unwilling to communicate/compromise. I gave concrete examples. What really triggered the conversation was that I told the counselor that it hurt that the things I desired from my wife she gave to OM at work. At first my wife denied that she had an affair but after the counselor asked her several follow up questions, my wife told me that needs OM in her life, that he is the only one she trusts and that she cannot make it in life if she ends the relationship. She was crying the whole time she said that. She then said that she does not trust me, that the last four weeks she felt disgusted each time I got near her, hold her hand, etc. That she feels no love towards me and that she cannot risk taking a chance on me.
The counselor did a good job in explaining how OM is immature, selfish and took advantaged of the situation. However, my wife almost had a nervous breakdown during the session (which was 2.5 hours long even though just scheduled for 1 hour). My wife kept mentioning how she cannot make it emotionally and that she feels like her life is falling apart. She said OM is the only one who understands her. The counselor tried to help my wife see that those limiting beliefs are false and that she is stronger. The counselor also pointed out that the marriage cannot be the focus now - that she believes my wife is seriously depressed and potentially bi-polar and needs to seek professional help. My wife said that she felt she was a prisoner with me and that she wants to be free. She mentioned several times how she felt it wasn't right that I advanced in my career while she stayed put.
I told my wife that I want her to be happy and that I believe she is able to accomplish anything. That said, I told her that OM was a deal-breaker and that I will not violated that boundary I set for myself. I told her I will support her in getting the help she needs but that I will be moving out and proceeding with the divorce.
When I told her that she told me that she did not want me to leave the house - that she wants me to stay. The counselor asked her if she would be willing to not talk to OM for the day if she wanted me to stay and she agreed. I was honestly ready to pack my stuff today and proceed with the divorce. I told her I would stay the night but cannot guarantee any other nights. I made it clear that OM is a boundary and that I will not try to make relationship work as long as he is in the picture.
My wife said she wanted to have another counseling session and scheduled it for next Tuesday. I told her that I don't know if I will attend as I don't see the point if OM is in her life but we would see how I feel the next several days.
Although I want to save this marriage - I cannot tolerate OM. I feel like my wife mislead me when she said she wanted to see if the marriage could be saved. I am so close to just calling my lawyer to end this. I don't want to have my hopes crushed again and go through the emotional trauma that 2013 was. I know hurt my wife in the past and I have done my best to do 180s - but my wife continues to hold on to the past, cannot forgive and seems unwillingly to take a chance.
I love my wife so much but given how the session went I feel like it is a lost cause. Any insights, suggestions and advice would be greatly appreciated.
Wow. It sounds like you have made a lot of progress and that she is seeing the progress. Kudos. I think you should keep up the good work and give yourself a new time line. (I wouldn't share it with her) I would expect that she is having a difficult time ending the relationship with the OM. While I understand and agree with giving the ultimatum of not allowing a relationship with the OM, I think you may be able to continue to work on yourself and not obsess about it. Maybe she is wanting to find out if your changes will be permanent. It appears, she is using the OM as a life preserver if things don't work out. Her moving back in with you has to be a huge sign to the OM that things are going downhill between them. I am sure the OM is doing everything he can to try and stop it. Don't let him let you fail.
Either way, working on yourself will pay off in the long run either with your spouse or without her. You have done a lot of hard work. Keep it up!
If it took a look time to get into this situation, giving it a few more months is probably reasonable.
Keep going to counseling - it opens up the communication.
Great job on that boundary and stick to it. Also, if you are the one moving consult w your L or consider separation agreement have her sign it notarized etc. Just an added protection for you and your D.
Just my .2
Take care Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
