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Hi Ken & Gabby,

Yes.. my posts are 95% about him, because I work soooooo much with him and there is soooo much to say about that. Posting random things about my life seem pointless... but, I can see why you want me to do so... its about focusing more on me... so, will try:

1) came to decide today that I need to embrace being single. As much as I hate the term and the lifestyle... I need to experience it for what it is.... or at least try.. its for education and my growth. SO, without ego..... Xbf and I were at one of our pick up locations and one of our associates made a joking comment about "my husband", I was quick to reply laughingly "I don't have a husband", then he corrected himself "ok, your bf", I laughed and said, "but, I don't have a bf".... I was being playful, but accepting what I was saying and speaking the truth. Normally, I would have let this guy think we were married, and have been happy at that.

2) later in the day, Xbf asked if I wanted him to bring down coffee to our lot. As much as I wanted "social" time, I really didn't want a coffee.... and realized that I would have only said "yes", for the social time..... so, when he asked, I replied "no thanks, I'm beyond coffee".... realizing that I was much more in the mood for a beer. He came with coffee for himself, but I didn't hang around much for the social part, I got involved with work stuff instead. Popping in and out of his coffee moment.

3) an old bf/friend was texting with me today (we do so regularly and he knows my entire situation and has been helpful)... so, I invited him out for a beer/snacks. This old bf is getting married in June (safe). I was in the mood to be "out" in public and he was in the mood for a beer. He had helped me a few weeks ago deciding what was fair in business division. We had a laugh... lots of laughs actually as we walked down memory lane. We also discussed the sexual tension between Xbf and myself and he helped me to put things back into perspective and respect myself.

It was nice to be "out" in public amongst other people. I really need to get OUT more..... as much as I do go out... I need more, I guess. My world is still way too small....thus making him (Xbf) seem like the only guy available.... therefore I behave like he is THE ONLY Guy !!!


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
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Sexual Tension:

I feel that my Xbf may be promoting himself to me to make sexual advances to him. Telling me that he is "hyper-sensitive" and "vulnerable", etc.... It appears as though he is also getting angry towards me (at times) for not giving in. ^^^^ This was MY job... to recognize his needs and to give in. I am not sure what I feel about this. I love sex with him. I would love to have sex with him, but I feel that if I do...then I send the message that I don't need a commitment (and I do). I also know that I would have major expectations after the fact. I would love to just say to him "buddy, sign here and you get the whole package!!!". I feel he is trying to make it "my idea" and removing himself from responsibility.

This of course is ALL mind reading.... however, I do know his sex drive and his "ways".

What message am I sending by not putting the moves on him, like he is wanting? What about flirting... in this circumstance what message would I be sending if I was flirting back? Would it state that I am interested but... sign the contract, already? or does it show that I am desperately waiting for his move?

Curious to know how to proceed? Opinions?

MY ANSWER: (as recently discovered, I need to find my own answer)..... I think I should just continue to keep myself to myself, respect myself. I don't want to wreck all of my efforts of him finally respecting me, but I don't want to lose him over this either. I miss physical touch.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

OK... back to focus on ME... trying on "single" today.


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
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can someone explain how to go slow?... what exactly does that look like?

Worked a full day yesterday. During our drive, I noticed he was moody, unreceptive. I had wanted to share the base of my weekend away so that he understood it was not a girls wine/shopping/men bashing trip as he had expressed. I explained I belong to a large organization of men/women) and the weekend was about self discovery and that I was amazed at the stuff I discovered (I didn't share what).... He seemed interested/jealous that he couldn't get away to do time like that. He is overwhelmed with work and house responsibilities. I said I would pay and manage everything if he wanted to go. I left it at that. Later on, over coffee, we discussed our financial agreement...apparently its a good result when feeling both happy and mad. Reviewing this got me weepy/teary eyed. It also lead to a relationship discussion where he was stating that he is happy that the financials are getting behind us and that he can hopefully start to have fun. He mentioned that if we were not expecting clients and if it was a snowy weekend, etc, he would have asked me to tag along to the family Easter out of town (DD had her own invite) but that he wanted the 3 of us to go. He did state that he has been suggesting coffee time, hang out, etc as a base towards a possible relationship going forward. That many people get back together. He was upset that the previous night I pulled out the driveway in the opposite direction of heading home. This lead to him having a rotten evening and nights sleep. He was also very moody yesterday because of it (he said). He does not like not knowing what I am doing. He said that I could meet someone any day. It just happens. I said, only if you are wearing your "open" sign. He does not feel like he is wearing his "open" sign. I think, he thinks I have mine turned on now. Which, I am trying on... I mentioned the sexual tension between us. I forget how it went but he mentioned that he just doesn't want to have sex with just anyone. That it has something to do with me. I wish I could recall, but I know that it made me feel better. He started saying his "i dunno" comments again. I then said "i dunno either"... that I am scared he will be the same person in a new relationship too" he said "but, I thought you had it all together now that you have done the weekend"... I said "no, i was a work in progress" for example if we were to reconcile it would take work. That If my old behaviour of "dog with a bone" should come out. I would require his patience and maybe a signal to stop. He then chimed in and stated that he would require work too, that its just not me. That he is miserable and he is working on that. He is trying... he says. He was saying that he has learned a lot and is trying to change. He wants to be a happier person. He then mentioned that he would like to go seadooing (and if I wanted to join him), etc... mentioned a bunch of things that included me. This would all be possible once our financials have been signed. This is why he wanted to maintain coffee/connections and getting along in the process. I asked if he was wanting me to reciprocate with offers. He said yes, but that he may say no sometimes. Then our client showed up.

After the client, he was driving me back to my car and asked if I wanted to stop to go p (as I had been holding for a long time). During this drive, he had been mumbling about his dinner options and what he was going to have. Then the convo switched to beer somehow.... pretty sure he was leading. Just before I hopped out of the car, I suggested maybe we should go have a beer (although I was much more casual after his lead...it was a good casual offer), I didn't wait for his answer and hoped out of the car to run into the washroom. When I came back, he offered to go for that beer. I said "sure"

While out for that beer, we sat at the bar. He was preoccupied with all the low cut tops that the waitresses were wearing. Normally, I can handle this... but since BD I have become insecure. During our beer/pizza, we had small talk. It seemed a bit strained at times. We discussed his dads recent split from his long time gf. He wants to spend more time with his dad again. They usually have breakfast on Fridays. I asked if sometime I could see his dad. (I really miss all of his family). He said that would be nice and that I could come for breaky sometime. This is big, as during our relationship he kept his dad private & to himself most of the time... saying that he feared I would take over the conversation and he wanted one on one time with his dad. I tried to discuss his friends & their happenings, but he didn't have much to say. He doesn't like to socialize with his married friends, as the wives don't seem to enroll him. His single friend is having a rough exit from his marriage and doesn't seem to be a positive influence for him. I brought up my new friends and he seemed a interested in hearing about them. Especially the new wealthy friends. He stated that money doesn't buy happiness. I said I agreed, but their relationship seemed to have it all.

I drank only one beer, he had two. Then the bill came. He did not seem to want to rush, so we continued to sit there. I found it difficult to find things to talk about. We usually always talk about work. I was really hoping to have some laughs, but it just wasn't coming. I suggested we share another beer, he said he was done as he had already had two. We sat for a while longer, then he started to put on his coat. I followed his lead and we left. In the parking lot, I had jokingly said "that wasn't painful"... he laughed and said "no, it was good". He then drove me back to my car, handed me my keys. I didn't linger. I rubbed his arm and said thanks for the beer & good night. He said he will call me tomorrow. (We have a client appointment at 6pm).

Is it normal that is was a bit strained? The night before beer with an old friend, was full of belly laughs and direct convo. I hope that he didn't have high expectations that this would be an awesome fun time... and isn't turned off now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So... today.... I am trying to put the focus back on me & trying to figure out what the heck to do on a day off! DD is STILL sleeping.... I expect she will sleep till 2pm!!

I will browse around on fb, pinterest, web, .... then do some exercises. Maybe a little house cleaning. Then...???? I have options this weekend (nice).... one friend has invited me on Saturday night, over night to go to his/his gf new place that they are building out of town for bonfire/drinks. Then on Sunday, my new friend has invited me to her place for Easter dinner with her family (steak, yum!!).


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
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Hi Gabby... The convo is slowly progressing.... he is offering up more of his desires to be a better person, to me to. He is wanting to date. Sounds like soon. I know his "if" convo isn't quite what I need to hear, but it does offer an insight to where he wants this to go. He did offer up that 6months ago he was NOT thinking like this at all.

My explanation was about sharing... having a convo. Engaging him into wanting self discovery for himself, with proper help. I didnt give it away. He seems interested, just can't prioritize.

Trying "single" on was the night before... I went out with an old friend, laughed and laughed. Being "single" is doing what I want, when I want to.


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
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Hi Gabby... I think you misunderstood. He was cranky yesterday because I turned left out of the driveway instead of right... going right suggests going home.

I will not admit that about being mad, because that is not even close to what my feelings are. I don't care if he was mad or not about my weekend. The old magic would have been concerned about what he was feeling. My objective in telling him about my weekend was about sharing an interesting thing about self discovery. Wanting to share with a friend concept. Wanting to share with my old best friend. I am eager to tell him all of my new discovery, but I won't. Not until he is more engaged in the outcome with me. As he is struggling with his own path, I wanted him to know that these types of weekend exist. That I had no interest in going and was looking for ways to not go. How I was making excuses, etc. and then how powerful my weekend was. And how beneficial self discovery is.

Gabby, looking back to where I was a year ago, to where I am now... there is major progression. Im sure you can't understand because you are not fully aware of who my Xbf was. Bond seems the best one to understand him and his motives. Progression in convo is important. Listening is too. This is important, if I truly want to hear him and possible reconciliation. Action is him admitting that he wants to date, and actually is spending time outside of work with me.

I am adamant about trying to focus on me... I see how important it is for my journey. I need to push through my fears (being single) and embrace it. To fully grow and be worthy of a GREAT future relationship with him or another. I am eager to do this!! Just because I post about him, does not mean that I am focused on him.

My only true dilemma at this time is to fight myself on time... I am anxious to jump all over this but know its not for the best. I recognize that I want to control his timing here... but, I won't. I truly want this reconciliation to be HIS desire, not just mine...therefore I need to step back and let him do the work (if thats what he wants). I just don't fully understand what all that means. What does him doing the work, look like?


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
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Originally Posted By: makingmagic


Xbf's position since DAY 1 has been that he does not commit because he believes that a paper forces people to stay together. His idea of commitment is that he was in our relationship, because he "wanted" to be there not that he was forced. I understood and accepted his point... even believing it. . . .

One thing I know for sure... he wants me in his life...forever. Who knows with what label. This is not acceptable to me, right now as It does keep me on the hook.




I am totally confused, MM. I thought your new boundary was that you wanted a marriage commitment from him? Now you're right back to talking about dating again, and having sex?

It's like last week never happened.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Let me rephrase honestly.... Just because I post about him, does not mean that I am "only" focused on him.... I do take breaks...LOL

I honestly see the importance of focusing on self.. its healthier. I am eager to learn and now when a thought of him/us pops in my head I try to switch it into a thought for me....what does Magic want to do?

I am scared too. This morning I woke up because I was having a bad dream about not trusting him. I am scared that my trust level in him has diminished a lot and this will be a challenge to get back.


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
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Starsky.... thats a long term goal.... it has to start with convos, dating, exclusive and committed and eventually sex.

I do not expect a marriage proposal after our financial agreement is completed. It has to have a new beginning...doesnt it?


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
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Originally Posted By: makingmagic
Starsky.... thats a long term goal.... it has to start with convos, dating, exclusive and committed and eventually sex.

I do not expect a marriage proposal after our financial agreement is completed. It has to have a new beginning...doesnt it?



After 20 years of being together, I think it's entirely reasonable for the reconciliation to begin with a marriage proposal from him to you. He knows that what you want, and it's what you SAID you now INSISTED upon (unless I've misunderstood the last few weeks entirely).

Otherwise, you are destined for more of the same 'round-and-'round, and your words will ring hollow to him.

But I suspect this is ALL falling on deaf ears anyway -- ours to you, and yours to him.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Nice to see that I can come back to someplace and find that things are exactly the same.

Posts only about your XBF (at least you call him your BF now), you constantly saying how much you've changed (but don't), all the mindreading on your part, the analyzing of every little move he makes, the arguing your point with other posters when they call you out on your behavior, etc.

Oh and by the way...you are arguing your point. Carry on.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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