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Originally Posted By: Upwards
I'm going to be REALLY blunt here Oxford & I mean it with the best intentions, unless you change your attitude & outlook towards this situation you will NOT bring your wife any closer to you.

You spent way too much time focusing on the pain your wife is experiencing because of OM going away - I know you use this place to vent as we all do at times however the amount of focus on your W & OM is so unhealthy for you, your going to drive yourself crazy! You seriously need to work on detaching & not giving the thoughts your having too much room in your head as it's not going to help your situation.

You want to be attractive, calm, happy, confident, strong... Are you giving that impression? You NEED to let go of your marriage, I know it sounds counterproductive as your here to save it but the only way to have any chance of saving it is by letting it go and bringing the focus back round to you.

I hope you understand where I'm coming from, I mean no disrespect, it's so clear from the outside. Focus on YOU!!!


thanks upwards, but how do I let it go when we are living under the same roof?m
So I did not see her at all last night.

I have to get up now for work.

I will hAve to leave her a note or tell her about the fact that I have to meet her at the financial planners at 2pm.

I have a ten o'clock appointment today.

I am a little panicky for some reason.
I mean I can't feel uncomfortable in my own home.

I am going to have to interact with her.

A few people on the DB board told me that I should just be a friendly neighbor.

So what is my option with her living with me?



W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21
33 years M 28
DD 3 Feb 11, 2014
S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
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Oxford1 Offline OP
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I still have not seen her ,I will bet anyone on this board she's going to come downstairs in her best,shortest, hottest, newest business suit.

This is so awkward...man oh man...


W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21
33 years M 28
DD 3 Feb 11, 2014
S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
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Imagine that she is a roommate, but not a friend. (Because she is). Have you ever had a roommate with whom you were friendly, but not "friends"? You can say hello nicely when you see her, but you live your own life and do your own thing. And let her do hers. For ex: if you are going grocery shopping, you *could* say, "hey I'm going to the store, can I get you something? " (but you are not obligated to). But you probably don't say, "hey honey what do *we* need at the store?" Because right now there is no "we", and even though it is the hardest thing to accept, you have to accept it. And focus on you. If that is not yet your mantra, it probably should be!

Living in the same house will be hard for you. And it will be hard for her too. She may not be nice to you. You can choose how to respond--dont take the bait. It will only reinforce that she made the right choice. Set some personal boundaries, which you can do politely without seeming hurt.

Good luck.

Why do you have to tell her that you will meet her at the appointment? Does she know about the appointment? Does she have a means of getting there? I suppose to be friendly you could say, "I hope you settled in ok last night. I will see you at the meeting later." And leave it. You don't have to tell her what you are doing, and you don't have to ask about her.


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

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Oxford1 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: gabbysmom23
You a re clearly obsessing over her and making up stories in your head about what she is doing with OM. It's really no healthy and it will indeed drive you crazy.

I didn't have an I house seperationa s he didn't to drop the bomb and move out the very night ( well, he was going to go, but I decided to because we had a 6 month D and I needed help and was having a damn nervous breakdown, so I moved I to my dads for 2 months that very night).

Because she hurt her shoulder (i still believe OM did something), she wants me to go with her to the gym. I was her training partner for 30 year!!
She also wants to go out to movies and meals...Even the Collaborative Divorce Coach finds her actions, wants and needs very weird.

This is the hard part, what do I do in these instances?

I dont think the gym is so bad, its the other stuff..

I can imagine it's very difficult, but you need to make this work. This is where GAL will be of utmost importance to you. What do you do for GAL? You need to keep yourself very busy and make them the last thing on your mind.

Right now she isn't your wife, she is your roommate. Where she goes, what she does, and she does it with is none of your concern, and the same applies to what you do.

College roommate. That's it


W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21
33 years M 28
DD 3 Feb 11, 2014
S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
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Oxford1 Offline OP
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Because she hurt her shoulder (i still believe OM did something), she wants me to go with her to the gym. I was her training partner for 30 year!!
She also wants to go out to movies and meals...Even the Collaborative Divorce Coach finds her actions, wants and needs very weird.

This is the hard part, what do I do in these instances?

I don't think the gym is so bad, its the other stuff..


W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21
33 years M 28
DD 3 Feb 11, 2014
S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
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Oxford1 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: gabbysmom23
Why do you believe OM did something?



I was at the gym a few weeks ago. She was living in Hotel with OM.

I got a text..
"ARE U OK, I am not I hurt my Shoulder, I fell in the shower"

I called her to see what happened, she said she was in the shower and forgot the soap, she reached out to get it and fell.

She said she pulled her shoulder and bruised her A$$.

She told me he had to run in to help her (mind movie of him picking up my naked wife kills me)

Then she eventually went fo X-Ray they said it was a sprian like her arm got pulled.

I think that she came back from the Gym, he gave her a hard time about something. When she gets angry she gets really crazy manic , I think she ran into the shower angrily and slipped.

We have been together 32 years, I never even saw her slip on the Ice!!!


W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21
33 years M 28
DD 3 Feb 11, 2014
S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14
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Oxford1 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: gabbysmom23
So if she ran Into the shower and angrily slipped, how did OM hurt her shoulder ?

You need to stop com ting these scenarios in your head.


He keeps focusing on Abuse from our side.. The marriage team says that's all he has and its her excuse for her affair.

The therapist says that it is disconcerting about the violence. He may actually have a violent streak.. He has heard from her for a year before they connected in person about all my negatives. So hes hiding them all from his end..


W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21
33 years M 28
DD 3 Feb 11, 2014
S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14
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Your focus seems to be solely on your W and OM. Those are things that are outside your control.

Originally Posted By: Oxford1
Originally Posted By: hope456
Originally Posted By: Oxford1
Now the basement is quiet so she may have come home and gone right to her room so I don't see how upset she is.



This ^^^^^^ is mindreading. I know it is hard, but you really need to focus on you and what you can do instead of focusing so much on your W.



I agree but now here is something else making me nutso


You are agreeing with other posters that you need to focus on yourself, but then immediately continue on with posts about your W and OM. You can only control you. Figure out what you need to work on to become the man only a fool would leave and then work on that.

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Oxford1 Offline OP
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The thing is,she wants me to still do things with her like I am her husband.

How do I detach when she lives in my house, eats in my kitchen wants to hang out,like where the best of friends...


W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21
33 years M 28
DD 3 Feb 11, 2014
S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14
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Oxford, you say you're a smart, educated man. What do you think? You detach by CHOOSING not to do things with her or interact with her in any other way than as a casual roommate. Nobody has a gun to her head. It's not like she's going to jump into your car or follow you if you decline to go to the gym with her. The problem here is you don't really want to stop interacting with her. You somehow want this drama. Think about that and OWN it.

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