New here and very Confused

[2BHappy]

LAST NIGHT
Was horrible. I did not mention the info I found about his personal request off. BUT I went all in about OR, tons of crying, begging, pleading. H said he does not want to be a Husband anymore. I offered to go file for divorce today he said that sounded so hard. I tried to leave house H stopped me.
Morning came, I was upset all over again, H said he would go stay with a friend, but said he was scared to leave me in the emotional state I was in, especially with our son, he does not want this to affect our son or our son see me upset.

I then started the begging again, telling him to stay.
H wants to stay in the house so we can parent our son together, but he told me several times as I keep asking he is not happy and has not been in a long long time.

I dont want the old broken M I want a new improved stronger M with H.

Since I do want H and a new M with H. What should I do?

Allow H to stay in house while I GAL, allowing H to still help with parenting of our son and help with finances. And hope that H one day decides he want a new M with me. This feels like it is putting my life on hold and waiting for H to make a choice, decision for us. How do I mentally survive while in house with H as a room mate.

Tell H to leave and really get on with my life. Cut all ties to H. This feels final and I dont think Im ready for this option.

Praying for help.

[woundedfool]

What should I do?

First, take a deep breath.

Second, I asked about if you had gotten DR or DB as you really, really need to read it. This forum is only a tool that will help you implement its beliefs/methods. What you did last night is really against the grain of many of its core principles.

Now, that is a backslide/backstep and you can recover from it.

Third, HEED Cadets advice (post#2).

Fourth, You really need to develop patience. As suddenly as you felt this come on, it will not mend as quick. Dig in as this will not be resolved this week, this month, or even this year.

So I will encourage you NOT to make any rash decisions, or give the H any ultimatums.

Finally, you may benefit from a DB coach, it is something I wish I did early on in my process. Check the tab "telephone coaching" for more info.

[artsy]

^^ great post! Follow that advice.

It feels like this is "all of a sudden" to the LBS, but the WAS has probably been building it up for a long time. It took a long time for you to get here, it will take a long time to get out (with or without your H).

Be patient with the process AND yourself. Al-Anon meetings help, even if there's no substance abuse. The concepts of detaching are the same as DB. The meetings are free and offered at various times (where I live there are 200 meetings a week at various locations and times). A good solution-based therapist is also a good resource.

You can do this.

[2BHappy]

Im waiting on my DR book, praying it comes this week.

H told me today he cannot have another night like last night, he said its not good for either one of us. H wants to stay in the house and raise our son together.

I will do my best to help and not hurt our situation.

I will see my DR in 2 weeks and see if I can get something to really help me sleep, this lack of sleep does not help my "emotions" or my responses.

I will STOP snooping and will not read anything that he leaves out.

[Roberta]

I am sorry that you find yourself here, but, the good news is that you will get excellent, caring advice. That being said, I urge you to speak to a Divorce Busting coach. Your confusion, emotional instability and sadness need to be addressed by a professional who knows exactly how to guide you in this marriage.
The possible presence of another woman is a strong indicator that you need to get your matrriage back on track immediately. Call me at 303-444-7004 to discuss our coaching program.

[2BHappy]

DR book will be here tomorrow.

I'm very tired, no much sleep last night.

I have plans to make son and H a easter basket, also cooking homemade dressing (stuffing) cause H loves it for easter dinner, got H a honeybaked turkey (not eating ham).

I had already planned these things before "talk" last night.

These are 180's for me, before I would not have done anything "special" cooking for him since he will be at work, also would not have made him a easter basket.

He asked me about my saturday plans in detail I told him, but wondered why he cares/ask?

I soooo know I need to read DR tomorrow, but will be busy GAL so I will need to start reading on Sunday, after church and easter dinner, and spending time with my family (GAL).

Some friends of mine want to go to a 2 day concert about 1 hr away, would stay overnight. I know this would be a GAL and a 180 for me, but why am I worried what H will think or how he will respond,,,and then I want to kick myself why should I even care what he thinks about what I do.

I have no plans to have an A with OM, that is not something I will do.

Thinking about taking off my ring, but it would be only to help me detach a little to the M, but then I think this is sending a message to H that I dont want OM. Again why do I care what he thinks.

I also want to set a boundary about H OW (which he says is over), but I dont know if that is a boundary I should bring up.

Since the blow up last night,,I want to be cordial and not mention OR or OM.

I plan to focus on just co pareting and GAL, being nice and smiling at all times when H is home and around my son. I dont want my son to see me upset over this at all, not now not until I have alot more control over my emotions.

SO,,,should I go to Concert?
Should I not make easter basket or homemade dressing (well complete it already start to prepare veggies and cornbread), already brought stuff for H basket.

[2BHappy]

There was a OW for sure, just not sure if OW is still in H life.

[artsy]

Go to the concert, do NOT bring up OW. Now is not the time- it will lead to another incident like last night.

The books will help. Try to find time to read them ASAP.

[2BHappy]

Weekend was good, I did not start a conversation with H unless it was about our son our house.

I think he appreciated me cooking his favorite home made dressing and getting him a turkey from honeybake ham.

No OR talk at all, which is fine with me actually, I'm also kinda tired of talking about OR.

I started reading DR and will be reading some more 2night once H is not around.

H is thinking about going out of town for a couple of days, and I prayed that he finds some peace and enjoys visiting with his friend. Of course I wish he was willing to spend time here with me, but I know we are not there yet at all...but I pray one day.

I also started another book by TD Jakes, " A Lady, Her Lover and the Lord" I think it will also be a help in me working on myself.

I pray more often now and that is a good thing, I should be praying daily.

I have also been able to sleep a lil better each night.

I want my marriage to be better then it ever was, and I pray H decides the same thing. BUT I understand this did not happen over night and will not be fixed overnight, AND I have to also accept it might be too late, but deep in my heart I have hope and will continue to work on myself and pray and try my best to follow the DR book plan.

I relaize I have to be very careful in what I share with my best friend, she was very critcal and not supportive of me wanting to sitck it out to try to keep my marriage. She feels like H will continue to hurt me and if H has told me he no longer wants to be a husband then I should have just asked/let him to leave.

[zew]

I realize I have to be very careful in what I share with my best friend, she was very critcal and not supportive of me wanting to stick it out to try to keep my marriage. She feels like H will continue to hurt me and if H has told me he no longer wants to be a husband then I should have just asked/let him to leave.

Your friend means well and just wants to see you not hurt. Many people think D is a solution, when in fact it rarely is. Make sure you are doing what you want to do, because, as you know, it's you that will have to live with it.

My W reads her horoscope and the advice column every morning. Yesterday's advice was to never ask a friend advice about your M, and never offer advice about a friend's M. Issues should be worked out between the two people in the M. Why? Because at some point you and your friend will disagree and the friendship will suffer badly.

I hope my W read this and makes her decisions on her own.