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ZEW-

A plan? The secrecy and mystery has me wondering what you are doing. You are lucky OM has a W to tell. My H OW is divorced, makes it hard to break it up. They are just friends anyway - UMMMM WHATEVER!!!

Sounds like you have been thru the wringer. I am sorry. But it sounds like you still have fairly good contact with your W - this is good.

I do have concern for your anger, which I can see. But as you can tell I have anger too, and am not concerned about it. LOL This is a difficult journey. I am just waiting for H roller coaster to crash and see what he comes out as.

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Quote:
You are lucky OM has a W to tell.

Not saying I would. Much rather have W end it than OM end it. It's supposedly a dead M. Also, W figures I won't tell her, because that would free up OM to be with W. See the logic there? [implies I would rather have my W in an A than not have my W at all.]

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I do have concern for your anger, which I can see.

I don't doubt this, and I really haven't examined my posts looking for it. If you think it's recent, (and I admit, it could be oozing out of everything) i don't mind you pointing it out.

I would expect that it has diminished significantly since day 1. I think that if it ever drops to 0, I'd be totally done and off to court filing. I suspect it's largely driven by frustration of A, and that it goes away pretty quickly once that is over.

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Pretty sure "Take it on the Run" is REO Speedwagon, not Little River Band.

But otherwise carry on. cool


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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yes, of course.

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things do change.
...and that throws me, so I post.

W tells her BFF...
- she can't live this way. she has to break from OM. she broke from him before, was getting over him, then she let herself go back and she's miserable.

Also though, that she doesn't want me either. She doesn't want any men right now. She needs to focus on her and kids.

And she's thinking of filing before I do.

She is still hung up on her feelings that I neglected her for the last two years.

I know you will all tell me that I shouldn't have an R talk, because she will only believe action. I've been 180ing and DBing for 4 months, added a lot of support around the house and with kids so she has more time with new job. It has been impossible though to show any romance or affection to someone involved in A. I don't feel there's been an effective way to show a renewed commitment to her in what she felt was missing most.

I feel the urge to say that I would like to make the M work. I want to suggest MC to address all of the issues, let go of the past and focus on a better future. We'd be no worse off for trying.

And that's about all I want to say. Just make sure she knows that there is an alternative. Listen to what she says one way or the other.

And have I done that before? Yes, but always when she was convinced that OM was the solution. She might hear it differently now? My concern is that she just sees me as the guy who's GALing and ready to leave, even less interested in her, screwing with her finances, and she'd better file to have first-file advantage.

I expect you'll say no talk, it's pursuit, etc. But how else can I convey this? Without MC, I don't know that she'll open up. She has expressed in the past that she needs to have the moderator there to make sure I don't turn things around on her. (and it would keep me in check)

Of course, she still isn't committed to R or MC yet, so we'd still be in a waiting pattern for her to want to go -- some period after I confirm no more A.

She cynically suggested last week that we go... could follow up with selection process. She may come back with the "I'm still dealing with my stuff stall."

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Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.


Seriously, do you think she doesn't ALREADY KNOW that you are willing to do this? How you feel about her? About marriage?


Leave her be. SHE needs to come to YOU with the "what will it take?" thing. The above is just yet-another attempt from you to try to CONTROL the situation with your WORDS.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Originally Posted By: zew
things do change.
...and that throws me, so I post.

W tells her BFF...
- she can't live this way. she has to break from OM. she broke from him before, was getting over him, then she let herself go back and she's miserable.

Also though, that she doesn't want me either. She doesn't want any men right now. She needs to focus on her and kids.



Now THAT'S the healthiest thing I've heard her express since you began posting here!!


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Quote:
The above is just yet-another attempt from you to try to CONTROL the situation with your WORDS.
I really do have to work on this control thing. Have to trust enough to just let go. Monster 180 to get to work on.


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Also though, that she doesn't want me either
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Now THAT'S the healthiest thing I've heard her express since you began posting here!!

Hey now! eek

But seriously, I hope this is the inflection point, and we get to move on the to really hard stuff.

I want to thank you yet again for keeping me in line.

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Originally Posted By: zew
Quote:
The above is just yet-another attempt from you to try to CONTROL the situation with your WORDS.
I really do have to work on this control thing. Have to trust enough to just let go. Monster 180 to get to work on.


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Also though, that she doesn't want me either
Quote:

Now THAT'S the healthiest thing I've heard her express since you began posting here!!

Hey now! eek


I'm dead serious. One of the biggest mistakes wayward wives make (and any good IC should tell them this), is trying to make life-altering decisions about their marriage, WHILE there is a 3rd person in it. I think one of the healthiest things a woman can do, who is not sure about whether or not she wants to remain married, is to END the frigging affair, go thru the withdrawal (from her OM) period and get her brain endorphines right, and just LIVE ON HER OWN for a period of time. 2-6 months.

And decide what she truly wants.

People around here always say "The affair isn't the biggest problem in the marriage, it's only a symptom." And I always disagree. I say "It may not be the biggest PROBLEM, but it IS most certainly the most immediate OBSTACLE. Because as long as her brain is all awash in those PEAs and "looooove" chemicals, she will NEVER see you -- or your marriage -- in an honest light (including its legitimate flaws). She will re-write marital history, and compare the lust emotions and taboo intrigue of her affair, to her now-rewritten marital memory of YOU . . . and it doesn't lead to healthy decisions . . . even from her own, purely selfish perspective.

I think it's very healthy for a WW to get to know herself for awhile, provided she is no longer in contact with OM.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Quote:
People around here always say "The affair isn't the biggest problem in the marriage, it's only a symptom." And I always disagree. I say "It may not be the biggest PROBLEM, but it IS most certainly the most immediate OBSTACLE.

I totally agree.
In fact I told W this when we had the A confrontation in January. (back when I was much more foolish than I am now) I agreed that yes, OM is just a symptom, but the A is absolutely blocking any forward progress. And of course, at the time, that was just more of me telling her things.

Quote:
I think it's very healthy for a WW to get to know herself for awhile, provided she is no longer in contact with OM.
Couldn't agree more. And provided she is no longer in contact with OM, I am very comfortable in giving her all the time and space she needs.

It sounds like she regrets getting back into A, which hopefully means she won't fall back in a third time. I think it was the stress of the new job (she f'd up at work big time this week because of the stress of home and A) and those two breakdowns earlier in the week that led her to start thinking. Right now, her top priority is her job, because she wants the independence from men. I can't think of a better thing for her to focus on while she gets over OM.

And Zew can go into quiet support mode becoming the man only a fool would leave.

BTW... going back a few weeks when I was trying to introduce the shared debit account for expenses, and she accused me of wanting 40% of her income... On a table I quietly left a printed web article describing 6 popular models used by couples to split expenses, and 3 articles on the model I had proposed. I found them on the bed twice this week along with her glasses, which means she has picked them up and read them. She may now realize that I wasn't trying to hoodwink her. My work there is done.

Hey, my calendar says it's Good Friday!

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