I think I belong here #2

[praying_in_GA]

Ok, I am not sure this was the right thing to do but it is done.

It has become the norm for me to text H something and he wait to respond...or never respond. It is about our kids. There is no reason to ignore me. It is rude. Whatever.

So, tonight I text and ask him if he can come home a little earlier tomorrow so I can go shopping for the kids Easter and my D2s birthday party on Sat. (He has spent the last 6 weeks going to play basketball and have lunch with his friends and not-girlfriend every Friday) I wait an hour and a half. No response.

I call the house since I need to tell the kids goodnight anyway. I ask him if he has seen my text. He says yes he has and he will see what he can do. I said that I needed a couple of hours without the kids to get the shopping done. He said he could come home and take D8 to practice (taking the other two with him) so I could go during practice. At this point I was getting angry. I told him it wasn't fair to make me miss D8s practice to go shopping so he could go see S (ow). I told him I understood that they were in the infatuation mode right now but he needed to come home and be a father as well. He diudn't take kindly to this and simply said he would see.

So, I stew for a min and send this text:
Can I ask why you refuse to respond to my texts? You just ignore me and think that is okay. It is rude and downright mean...If I were S you wouldhave responded instantly. I'm sorry I'm interfering with your life tomorrow but we both made these children and we will both continue to parent them until you leave them for the Navy.

H's response:
I'm pretty sure I'm parenting them right not.

And I open my mouth again:(He 'watches' them when I work three 12 hour night shifts...reminder, he is not working. He only goes to school and out with friends)

36 hours a week is not shared custody. You have free reign to go anywhere after school all the time. You go to lunch, basketball, wherever. I take care of them while you are out with your friends every Wednesday and Friday now. As long as you are home in time for me to go to work or for S7 to go to practice (he takes him one day a week, I take him the other), you have your freedom. You spent 4 hours at lunch on Wednesday. I spend every Friday at practice, get a 2 hour nap, then go back to practice.(I work every Wed & Thurs night 12 hours)I haven't asked you to come home in weeks. I am asking for this one day to go shopping for them and not have to miss D8s practice. I totally understand that you and S want to spend as much time together as you can. I have no issue with that...but always put your kids before her because when she is gone they will still be here waiting to see their Dad.

H reponded:
Very well said.


So, hit me with the 2x4 if you need to...did I royal step in it here?

[praying_in_GA]

Braveheart, your post just popped up for me for some reason. I think I may have stood up for myself tonight?? My friends have been saying he is having his cake for a while now. His bills are paid, his kids are taken care of, and he comes and goes as he pleases. He mentioned today that if he moves out (something I have been trying to avoid while also secretly kinda thinking should happen) that he would have to live between my house on the nights I work, his siters house, and his brothers house. I instantly thought to myself "Why am I not letting this happen? He needs to see how this would be. He has no job, no income, nowhere to live. He is here with me where his bills are paid, his insurance is covered, he is close to school, he has good internet to do his school work. He is sitting pretty with a girl on the side."

[praying_in_GA]

Praying,

Everything is done with sheer emotion as no thought processes are out into planning.

I once asked him if he would ever tell me he had made a mistake or he had feelings for me again. He responded with "I seem to react with emotion so I am sure I will....if just to give you the satisfaction of telling me to eff off."

Your response made me giggle.

[praying_in_GA]

Have you ever watched the younger generation w/their phones and texting? The equipment is attached to their ears and their fingers. She is 21 and that generation is all about texting. You can't be sure that she is the only one that he is texting. He may have a number of new friends that he's in communication with.

Yes, the crisis is all about emotions and right now, he's gone back in time to that "younger" age to find what he thinks he missed out on.

Whether it is an emotional or physical affair, they both have to die a slow death and at their hands. Right now, she's stroking his ego and showing him a good time and there is no history w/them, i.e., only the present. You represent responsibility, accountability and "history". You know him like a book and can spot when he's not himself. But, some time in the future, he may turn back to you for that safe place to land. Time will tell on that and when it will happen.

The one thing that you must remind yourself each and every time you compare yourself to the girl is that you are the prize. She will never be able to replace you because you have the wisdom and strength that has held your family together. She doesn't have that w/him, i.e., it's just play time. Again, as a repeated reminder, this is all about him...not about you and you need to remember this.

Keep the focus on you and your family. Life is far too short not to live each day to the fullest.

Job, as usual, you hit the nail on the head here. He is going back to his missed dating time. See, I was his first girlfriend. His first kiss. His first...everything. I have often wondered when he would get curious as to what he has missed and go looking. He was 22 when we started dating, 26 when we got married, 28 when we had our first child, 29 when we had our second....He went from never dating to married and kids. Now he chooses a 21 year old to entertain him during this time in his life. And he is getting affirmation from more 20-somethings in his classes. He loves to tell me what nicknames they have for him and how they fawn all over him.

I think it is interesting how open I am about his friend. I told him tonight I know they are in the infatuation stage right now and he wants to spend time with her. I remember that stage....

Thank you for the boost. I DO need to start looking at myself as a prize. I have very low self confidence and self esteem.

I love my family and I love my husband. I just want my happily ever after...and that may not be with him afterall.

[praying_in_GA]

So, of course now that the moment has passed I am very nervous about my outburst last night. No one here has responded and I almost feel like I have really messed up. I probably should have kept my mouth shut and just told him not to worry about it but I feel like such a doormat some days. He is just coming and going as he pleases, texting S all the time... all the while I am the one working and paying all of the bills. I am paying for the phone he is using to talk to her (for now, will change probably today), the internet he uses to do his school work, the water, the power, the rent....everything! He is just going to school, flirting with his girlfriend, and watching me go crazy.

My entire life revolves around the kids. If I am not asleep for the night or work, I am homeschooling, taking them to pratice, taking them to meets, taking them to do things, and working. That is my life...sleep-gymnastics-work-homeschool. He is out with friends, getting to know a new love interest, playing basketball, eating more lunches out than I have had in a year...

It's feeling very one-sided right now and I am starting to feel very 'used'. He can't afford to move out and he can't afford to help me pay for anything. He is trying to get a job but no calls back yet. The only reason he is still here is because he has no solid place to go.

Sigh. If anyone can help, I am feeling lost right now. Please read the first post on this page and offer up some advice?

[job]

You said what was on your mind yesterday, so let it go. Like a teenager, he heard you and it went in one ear and now out the other. He knows what he's doing is wrong and yet, it has to continue on his journey.

The one thing you need to stop is telling him that he is in the infatuation stage w/the ow. The ow is nothing more than a Band-Aid and you've got to stop bringing her up. You are putting too much focus on her and she's not renting space in your head. You've got more important things to think about like your children and what you need to do to stay sane.

No, it's not fair that he's out and about and enjoying life, but there's nothing you can do about it. The more you complain or point out the things he's not doing, the more determined he is going to be to do what he wants.

Put your focus on your children, your child's birthday and Easter. What do you have planned for the weekend? Are you and the children going to visit family?

[LiveNow]

Praying -- I finally said what I had to say to my H - after 10 months of silence - and I felt better afterward. Of course, I second-guessed myself too, in the days that followed. But, it's done. And whatever happens now, happens. I know he hears me, but it might not really matter to him, until maybe later on sometime...

[Matt165]

Hey Praying.
Stop beating yourself up over this. He needs to start to see that the fantasy he has about life without you is just that, a fantasy! I do agree you need to stop bringing up OW. She isn't the actual problem, his actions are. You need to remember something that has taken me a long time to really get.....it's not about you! It's not about your marriage being either "good" or "bad" (my wife likes to talk about our marriage like its a "thing". It was "bad" and there's nothing that can be done about THAT), or anything you did or didn't do. It's about the fact that your H is hurting and wants it to stop and you MUST be the problem because if you aren't, than it must be him!

Like you I have had to take over most of the hard work of our marriage. My W does almost nothing except laundry on weekends and thinks that makes her a great mom and she's doing her part. I like you are starting to get to the point where I think until my S leaves, she may never understand the truth. In my case SHE (for the first time in 20 years) is making the money. (Company I worked for closed and before B-day wife agreed I should start a new company knowing it would be a couple years where I wouldn't make much money. Now she wants to leave me pennieless) so be thankful you are in a good financial position!

He needs to hear the hard truth sometimes. He needs to at least do something for you and the kids if he wants to stay and get his bills paid and a roof over his head. You did fine except for talking about OW. Don't let him think you see her as anything but a joke. Doesn't she have a "boyfriend"? Sounds to me like an excuse for her not to take things farther with him if you ask me! He may just be being used by HER and he's being HER fool!

[praying_in_GA]

Well, got home this morning...actually not looking forward to seeing what was going to happen. He was already awake and ready to go. He asked me what time I wanted him home. I told him 2:00 would be great. He said okay. He said He was surprised I put his thoughts into words. I said oh really? He said yea, that has been bouncing around in his head for a while now. I thought to myself "Wow! This is a shock...." Then he said this..."Yea, she probably is gone at the end of the year and you're right the kids will still be here waiting on me." I just sat there....really wanting to say probably?!?! He told me they don't talk about her boyfriend and they don't talk about a relationship. He said he is not going to get between her and her boyfriend...he has done that before and he was hurting for a year over that (while I made my decision on what to do with my life between him and my bf). He said he knows 'they' wouldn't last but it is different from his current everyday so that's enough for him. He said he is in a weird place right now and he is making random decisions and doing different things but that he really needs a job. He is desperate for a job right now. Then he said it is weird talking to me about her and he needed to get to school.

OMG, hahaha! Job was right....the only thing that stuck was that his ow was going to leave him after school let out. She is 21, you are 36...she has her whole life ahead of her and you have a wife & three kids and a vasectomy. Did you think you two were going to ride off into the sunset???

He is a teenager living a fantasy life while I am taking care of his responsibilities and holding his hand.

I told him yes he does need a job because I will need some money from him this summer. The power bill is high here and I will have to choose between food and power. He laughed and said 'yea, we need to eat.'

And that was that.

Her bf lives in another state. She visits him often over the weekends. So she has her physical, public bf in that state and back home she has this sad older man fawning over her.

[praying_in_GA]

Oh, and I know I need to drop the talk about the ow... It was just too much fun to stop sugar coating it. I know why he was angry about leaving school earlier than normal and there is no point in pretending. THEN he drops this... "I was texting A (another school friend) at sons practice last night... Just in case someone tells you I was on the phone the whole time." I have met her and she seems nice so I asked how she was doing. He said she is good. I asked if he "liked" her as well well and he said "Yea but she has a boyfriend too... But she doesn't like him. She's the one that gives me all of the nicknames."

Ooookay then... I just lol at this crap now. Go on with your teenage hormone dreams. Like away... None of them can touch me.