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gogofo #2445907 04/15/14 05:52 PM
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GoFo,

I wanted to highlight your response to Bug's post:

You are correct, I was most likely grasping at control of anything I could.

It's that pesky control thing! Be mindful of this when interacting with W. Also like this gem that has floated around the DB on, to me, a too infrequent basis:

Listen without defending and speak without offending

Wonka #2445921 04/15/14 06:58 PM
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This is where I have improved because one time while venting to me she talked about how now I am a good listener, more soft spoken and all around attentive. She was also upset that I am taking better physical care of myself, shaving every day and wearing nice clothes and looking good. I still have to decide when to "show off" new clothes to her so it doesn't seem like every time she sees me I have something new on.

She felt insulted that she had to leave for me to understand what she wanted. She felt I was trying to manipulate her. I told her how I could understand why she would feel that way; I reiterated that it probably seemed like a show due to my previous track record.

Listen without defending and speak without offending is a great way to sum it up.

As far as control, I have let her dictate the pace. She even flat out asked the first time we had a little talk if I was ever going to bring "us" up. I simply responded "Nope. The last time I brought us up I underestimated how much you were hurt and it was unfair to you." I was mentally preparing to not have any talks about us until June or later but we have had three little talks over the last five weeks or so.


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
gogofo #2446080 04/16/14 02:07 PM
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gogofo, I think your insight is great, now if you can just stay with that and not allow the pressure to succeed or be the best to trip you up. Life is about balance, and your life was completely out of balance. Would you say you're a workaholic? That word has become cliched but that doesn't mean the phenomenon doesn't exist.

How will you deal with your out of balance life? Do you have an IC?

I think it's good you've allowed this to go at your W's pace. But I would say IF she's thinking of trying again that you dictate the pace, the very slow pace. You are a previous offender. smile

My H and I took about 6 months of dating (each other) we'd been apart of 2.5 years. I had done a lot of work on me during that time apart and continue to do so. I read a story of another couple who dated for a year before moving back in together. They both had IC during that year.

It's so easy to fall back into our automatic thinking.

The stakes here are high and precious.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2446081 04/16/14 02:11 PM
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Don't forget the mission statement, your guiding document that will help keep you on track.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2446098 04/16/14 03:27 PM
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I would say that I am half of a workaholic. What I really am is dedicated to my job, but as a partner in the company it is expected. I know some would look at me and think I work too much, but I know others who I would consider workaholics. I enjoy my free time and don't feel like I need to work constantly.

Things have changed in my attitude NOW after BD about work but previously I was probably 50% to 75% a workaholic.

I do not have an IC. I have a friend who mentioned he sees one and it has helped him with food addiction issues. It is something I considered early in my situation but I feel I have made great strides without one, so far. When we had our first blowup when I pursued right after it hit me like what alcoholics call a "moment of clarity". I have treated it like that everyday since then. It was my moment to drop my former life and build a new one for me with using lessons from the past and newly gained skills. This forum has also basically been my IC (internet counselor.)

The balance in my life has come back very close to center with adjustments I have made with myself and with my work. I have started to delegate more work to others and realize that I cannot or do not need to do everything myself. Another control issue I have been working through.

Right now I do not have a timeline of when I would expect her back in the house. I just want us to try to date and reconcile again. My timeline is open ended.

LA: What do you mean by the mission statement? I am a little foggy on this.


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
gogofo #2446422 04/17/14 04:28 PM
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Who you want to be as a man, a husband a father. The creed you live by, the principles/values that are your center and your guide. Asking questions like how would you would like to be remembered can be helpful.

Those of us here are just the peanut gallery and can ask questions and occasionally give a few 2x4s but that shouldn't be confused with professional counseling. Not that what happens here isn't valuable but it's different. :)Sometimes a therapist can help us safely look deeper, expose our patterns, give perspective.

Interesting how you quantify a workaholic. Is someone who gets blasted every weekend binge drinking different from someone who drinks every night but drinks the same quantity?

Would your W say you're a workaholic? Is she a workaholic?

I think you're doing a great job. Keep on keeping on. Is today the day of the talk?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2446446 04/17/14 05:19 PM
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Hello my name is GoGoFo and I am a workaholic, and so is my wife.

I never thought about it but if it is looked at from an addition angle, I am a workaholic because it negatively effects my life. The good news is that I am over 4 months "sober" and continue to work at it.

I guess I can liken it to enjoying wine with dinner every night to make your dinner more enjoyable and then wake up without any hangover; this to me in not addiction. Then take the same quantity of wine and pound down two bottles every weekend, wake up with a hangover, miss commitments, etc; to me this is addiction.

During the project I had I was in the grips of addiction (work) and spiraling out of control. The problem was also being required to partake in the addiction by having to work at least 40 hours a week and take care of any other issues. Not a good time for anyone.

Tonight is the night. We will have dinner, dye eggs with the kids, put them down for bed, then I wait to see what she has to say. Right now I am not antsy or nervous. I finished a book on restoring trust last night and have an idea what could be in store for us if we head down that path.

I am excited for tonight, but trying to not let it turn into expectations. Trying to remain at optimistic realism and will be acting "as if" we have a strong and healthy relationship when I arrive. I am ready to listen, validate, and STFU if I feel argumentative or offended. Those feelings need to be in check because they will not help us work through or solve anything.

DR says this, Sandi's rules says this, and the trust book I read reinforces that listening and validating help work through issues; leave offence and blame at the door. It does not mean that we agree with everything the other person says, but it does mean that we understand what they are saying and how they feel.

People can argue all night long when in the situation we all find ourselves in. This solves nothing and fixes nothing. My goal right now is a CHANCE at reconciliation and my actions will be dictated by moving closer to that goal. My pride has nothing to do with rebuilding the R, her feelings to not trump mine, we are equals in the R.

I am going to try and pave this bumpy road smooth with understanding, support, positive 180s, and my personal growth.


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
labug #2446452 04/17/14 05:27 PM
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Originally Posted By: labug
Who you want to be as a man, a husband a father. The creed you live by, the principles/values that are your center and your guide. Asking questions like how would you would like to be remembered can be helpful.


I know how I FEEL about who I want to be but finding the correct words is difficult. I have always been hard on myself with finding the correct words, especially with emotional language.

Part of this is because of being stereotyped as a "math" mind, but I was in advanced placement English in high school. I also don't read novels much, mostly technical based writings so my vocabulary is not what those that are well read are. Yeah I know, excuses...

I would like to be remembered as loving, open, kind, caring, hard working, intelligent, critical, supportive, dedicated, enjoyer of live... but who wouldn't. I need to expand on these things.

I know I have always wanted to "make a difference that left the world a better place" but I am not sure what that feeling means when put to specifics. My job does not have much of a "human" aspect of it and maybe this is an area lacking in my life.


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
gogofo #2446534 04/17/14 09:39 PM
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GoFo,

Workaholic are avoiders in general. They use work to escape some of the harsher realities of life, unhappy home life, unhappy marriage, or loneliness. I'd urge you to assess, examine, and review the reasons why you feel that you're a workaholic...what or who are you escaping from?

Wonka #2446547 04/17/14 10:32 PM
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I know a part of my escape was from the kids. Our youngest was difficult for the first two years. He ran off three babysitters in two months. He was very moody, volatile, and a screamer. He did not cry, he screamed. The only person who could soothe him was mama. One time he screamed for two and a half hours straight while the W took some time away from the babies. He would get so upset he would sometimes vomit or pass out. He has out grown most of these traits but now treats mom very poorly as she is only supposed to provide comfort and love, in his opinion.

The other part about working is it is basically a requirement for being a project manager and owner. I signed my life away in a business agreement and took on a big project. Unfortunately everything went wrong with the project, but I never asked for help. I should have but embarrassment, and pride got in the way. When my partners learned what happened with BD they pulled my work records and were immediately upset. They said my hours and time put in should never have happened and I should have had more support. It was a lot of pressure, one job to keep 25 people making money and their families happy. Without this job we would have laid off employees. The job continuously grew in scope each week and we barely handled the load.

It was unfair to my family and those involved but being a partner it was my duty to perform. Had I been a regular employee my commitment would not have been anywhere near as great. But I have to work to put food on the table too.

I am sure at the end I was escaping from the chaos I created at home, but I was so out of my mind by then I cannot clearly recollect the conditions at home but they must have been pretty bad.


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
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