So I still haven't responded to H regarding his thoughts that he wants to use a mediator to 'end the marriage.' (I'm so irked by his choice of words because they just don't sound like something he would come up with on his own. Then again, not much he says these days sounds like him anyway.)
I'm still feeling pretty good about my future whether I stay married or not. But I'm feeling quite hopeless about our marriage now, even though I know it's not over until it's over. I'm losing respect for him quickly. Tell me again why I should allow myself to be treated this way? If I rarely see him, and he is talking about mediation, how am I supposed to DB? How do I keep being nice without letting him walk all over me? I'm finding it extremely difficult to use a friendly tone with him. I do not yell, or say mean things, but it takes every single ounce of restraint to actually be pleasant. It's almost impossible.
As I look at him, I'm starting to see a pretty pathetic, sad, angry, and confused cheater who thinks he is finally 'taking control' of his life. The really crazy thing he said the other day that keeps sticking with me is that he has been 'thinking it over' for the past 10 months, yet he never said that to me this entire time. From day 1, he has kept the same story - 'I'm sorry. There is no hope.' Yet here we are, almost a year later, and he has done nothing and is saying the same thing. I kind of assumed it WAS over - back in July. (Of course, I acted as if it wasn't -- it was all I had to hang onto.)
Should I just cut my losses and move on, and allow the divorce to happen (when I still don't want it)? Why on earth continue to stay with someone who doesn't want you in his life? Or do I prolong it as much as possible, hanging onto hope that his relationship with OW will end or that something else will 'wake him up'? So very annoyed, sad, and tired of the drama...Feeling pretty good -- about my new life I'm establishing -- but pretty stuck otherwise.
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
You are the only one that can decide when you have had enough. If you are okay w/sitting in limbo a while longer and your finances/assets are in good shape, then I would sit back a bit and allow him to file.
You can move on and still leave the door ajar, if that is what you want. If you decide to prolong the situation, be prepared to pay lots of money to a lawyer and if he's like some of the others, will drag it out. Again, it's your call.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You need to go with what you think. To some a divorce is just a piece of paper and it doesn't change how you feel. To others it is the end. I would let him file if he wants, let him go all the work. Check with a lawyer now, some states if you fight a divorce then in the end a judge decides all.
Thanks job and tld for the wise words and encouragement. I do still love him -- hard to believe, but I do -- so I can do the 'limbo' a bit longer. Finances are ok for now, and he is currently not paying any rent at his sister's. He spends a bit more these days, of course (but not on ME). To me, divorce is the end. I know that's what it is to him too. I have seen an attorney, and I feel very comfortable with him. I plan to be cooperative because I don't want this to get ugly, but I don't plan to do much work myself. I will handle myself with grace and take the high road. More than I can say for him. I will get through this in one piece. I think I have already gotten through the worst of it by now. There will be challenges ahead, but not like there were in the weeks following bomb drop. I don't wish that heartache on anyone...
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
Survive and try to thrive...I know we need to establish our boundaries too, and I am not sure what mine are yet aside from one important one: I am not willing to initiate a legal separation or divorce. Similar to you LN, I do not plan to do much to make that happen. That will be her doing, and in the meantime I will continue to detach to protect myself either way. The day I met with my friend and received all the insight was the same day I found an apartment 2 miles from my children. I move in May 1 and they are ecstatic. W has agreed to split custody so I will get to be the father I want to be again...Best day this year so far.
BD OM EA 9/2013 ICAYBDNLY 10/2013 I Move out 1/2014 Separation draft sent 5/2014 S13 S13 S9
Meanwhile, I'm holding my own. Still haven't gotten back to H about mediation vs. individual attorneys, or whatever. May wait for him to ask. It's been almost a week.
I got a text today from him saying 'sorry to bother you' and asking if a particular piece of mail had arrived. I said 'yes, it's here.' He said he has to come by and pick it up - sorry. I asked why he was apologizing - it's just mail...He gives me a lame reason that had nothing at all to do with us. Honestly, I kind of like that he seems to be feeling uncomfortable for a change. He always wants to be thought of as the nice guy, the good guy. I really think that may be the mask he has worn for so long. Not that he's NOT nice (when not in MLC), but I think it's very important to him that people think that.
And I LIKE that I'm becoming the strong and independent person I was when he met me!
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
Thats great LN, time to get back to being yourself or what you want to be yourself. I found it interesting that you said he wants to be thought of as the "nice guy." My W told me she beleives she is being very nice to me. She could be alot worse (especially from what I have read here),but I wouldn't call entering an EA with a so-called friend then not even trying to work on R with me, then kicking me out and implying that I need to change to be a better father and not for her to be very nice... I needed to vent that here, because I know it would do no good telling her this. Just ordered Codependent No More for my next reading per my therapist. Hoping for help detaching and understanding more about myself.
BD OM EA 9/2013 ICAYBDNLY 10/2013 I Move out 1/2014 Separation draft sent 5/2014 S13 S13 S9
Well, from what I understand, it's quite often the 'nice guy' (or gal in your case, nyk) that spends much of his or her life accommodating others, at the expense of their own happiness. Then, one day, they wake up and wonder how in the heck their life got to be what it is. Gee, I wonder why. If they keep saying 'whatever you want is fine' to other people, then where do they end up one day? In MLC, wondering what happened. This is how my H got to where he is today. And he still blames most of it on me. He thought he was being nice, and I was not being nice whenever I actually said what I wanted. I remember telling him more than once, 'I don't want to make all the decisions. I want to know what YOU really want!' <Sigh>
So, now, my H believes he is being nice also, by 'letting' me remain in the house for now, not 'bothering' me, not forcing the divorce issue, all while carrying on a PA. So warped...
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
I am the one that is the nice person, and now he is using it to stomp on me. Everyone that knows both of us is wondering what he is doing because I am a very nice person and a good mom. So I think the saying "nice guys finish last" applies to me...LOL
However, H only has his new friends since this started, and one is OW. He is playing nice guy and poor me I am the victim of my wife. BOO HOO for him. They are carrying on EA and PA - but just friends, while I am home taking care of kids, cleaning, and cooking. Yeah! I am the mean one. Funny how the mind gets twisted.
So I do agree with you that the MLCer thinks that they are nice and we are evil, they are the VICTIMS. Silly huh?
My H thinks he is nice waiting until work thing is done and I am ready for the divorce. PLEASE? I love him, but he is freakin insane at times.
I have decided my life is a soap opera combined with game of chess. The soap opera is due to the crazy insane things H does and the EA and PA that supposedly no one knows about. The chess game comes into play as we are trying to figure out each others moves to how to act. Mainly me playing chess, and he keeps making the wrong moves. UGH!
