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Raine #2446182 04/16/14 09:06 PM
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Raine,
I am so very happy that things are progressing in a wonderful and amazing way for you. This is what I call not only a success story, but a new marriage w/both of you learning how to communicate in a more meaningful way. It's about being best friends and waking up to each day w/new ideas and a love that is strong and continues to grow, just like the little one is doing. Both of you had to crawl before you could walk again in the love that binds you.

What a new beginning this is. May you and your family have a beautiful holiday.

Happy Easter!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2446213 04/17/14 12:37 AM
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Congrats Raine! Did your honey go into MLC in 2012? Cherish the good moments and make lots of memories! You give me something to work towards as I am only months in.

scooby #2446235 04/17/14 01:35 AM
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Dear Raine, you know how happy I am for you smile

It took so much to get here... Patience, hope, perserverence, love, more patience...

But here you are. The real deal smile

Always wishing the best for you. You deserve it.


Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me

~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
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Raine,

Please bottle up whatever the mystery potion is floating around you and send it on my way! I could use some of it when the time is right.

You've come a long way, baby! You are one amazing lady for weathering through all sorts of storms and coming out smelling like a billion Roses!

Wonka #2446587 04/18/14 01:03 AM
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This is awesome update, Raine! Thanks for not forgetting about us here.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Dec 2012
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Thanks everyone! Your posts mean so much to me. I'm so thankful for all the help I've had here. I love the person I've become. I am so grateful for all the amazing advice that has shaped and molded who I am today.

Scooby, I was BD in Aug 2012, but the MLC stuff started happening way before. I think the trigger event, that started the spiral down to his point of no return, was in 2008. Replay really began in Jan 2011, and then major replay starting at BD and lasting for a year. The timeline has just barely all come together. I didn't know anything until BD and I didn't find out most things until the last few months.

I wanted to share something I posted as a response to rH in the other realm. This was a response to her confronting her H about something that was bother her, and it causing a temporary withdrawal period, which she had a difficult time with, wondering if she should have brought anything up at all. I think this shows a lot of where I am right now:


It had to happen at some point rH, and I think you gave him a heck of a lot of time. I know I did too with my H. I felt I was patient for a very long time, gave him a lot of leeway, a lot of time. But it reached a point where I didn't want the fairytale relationship of pretending that all is okay. That if I just keep my mouth closed and ignore it, it will all just go away and won't matter. But it doesn't. Resentment continues to build. The need to say, "Hey, I was not okay with this. I will never be okay with this," rises and rises. TBH, I waited too long for me, to the point I nearly exploded a few times. No wait...I totally exploded at one time.

See the thing is, I don't want a relationship without conflict. I don't want a relationship where it's always easy, where we magically agree on everything. I want it to be REAL. I don't want a walk on eggshells, constantly worrying what he is thinking, how will he react to this, what does he mean by that. And real means that there are going to be some massive bumps in there, because down to our very core, we are very different. Men and women are very different, and you throw in personality types into that mix, and it's amazing that any of us ever stay together.

We're not supposed to always agree. We're not supposed to be magically happily ever after. Working on a relationship actually takes a lot of WORK and SACRAFICE from both sides. It's not supposed to be easy. If you're the one always bending, and some point you're gonna break. At some point you're going to explode and say "wait a second! Don't I matter in all this? What is the point of this?"

If there isn't conflict, if you never disagree, then who's lying to who? No one is perfect, and two imperfect people come together and have to deal with all those imperfections. Saying that, my H and I have never raised our voices at each other this whole time. We have never had a big ol' classic argument with the yelling/screaming/whatever people assume when you say you've had an argument, but there has been a lot of difference of opinion, a lot of emotions, a lot of hurt feelings expressed. A lot of feelings and needs and boundaries stated. And that's okay. In a way, I feel like I stirred the pot more than once because I was testing the water. I wanted to see how we could really hold up. Even H said at one point he wanted to have a really big disagreement so that we could know just how solid we were.

Good communication skills are a must. It's about approaching it with love, kindness and understanding, no attacking or judgments or defensiveness. It's about owning what's yours and not being afraid to let the other know that something upsets you.

See we get into this DB mindset of doing anything at all costs to get our spouses back, but at what point to we move from that to having a open, honest, loving, supporting, conflicting opinion, actually REAL relationship? At what point do we step off the DB doormat and take those skills and tools we've learned and apply them into a real and healthy relationship where both spouses matter?

rH things like this have to happen to get you to the next level. You've got to build and conquer obstacles together. And just because you don't agree, just because you have a hard time with something, doesn't mean you're throwing in the towel or there isn't a room for compromise. This is where the work happens. This is where it becomes amazing.


M38,H39
M:16Y
BD:8/12
OWDB:11/12
S:11/12-5/13
"Temp" home:6/13
OW dropped:9/13
"I love you":12/13
H ring on:2/14
Depression back:5/15
"I'm done:" 7/15
H moved out: 3/16
H moved back: 12/16
Working on us: 3/17
Raine #2447024 04/20/14 11:16 AM
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Raine,
Your posting hits home w/a lot of the posters these days. There is always going to be some type of conflict or disagreement, not just in the marriage and/or relationship, but in your day-to-day interactions w/others. If there is something that is not setting well w/you, yes, you should find a way to discuss it w/your partner in a very level-headed, calm manner. No one should be walking around carrying the resentment and being afraid to raise issues w/their spouses/partners. The main thing to remember is not what the topic is, but how to raise it and deal w/it.

You are correct in saying that relationships take work and the hardest part of the MLC journey is reconciling. Why? Because it's a brand new relationship and you can't revert back to your old ways of doing things or your spouse will be out the door once again. If you are lucky enough like Raine, RH, HRM, and Jack (I'm sure I've missed some of the other posters here), and reconcile, be prepared to work harder than you have ever done in your life because you will need set aside your old habits and work on some new ones. Your MLC spouse is going to be different, i.e., more mature, and may even come away from his/her crisis w/some new personality traits that may be good or bad, depending upon what they are. Also, expectations have to remain low while reconciling because he/she is still very fragile and it takes a lot of time for them to feel comfortable in their own skin as well as coming home. Yes, it's a lot of work, but I am positive that many of you are more than willing to do the work...just be prepared for a long haul and dig deep for lots of patience along the way.

rH, if you are reading, it's okay to have conflicts and disagreements and it's good to lay those things out on the table and work them out. Don't allow them to fester. It's best to clear the air as soon as something comes on your radar.

Happy Easter everyone!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2455785 05/28/14 09:29 PM
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Hey everyone! I'm sorry my updates keep getting further and further between. Things are really great, and because of that, I just don't find myself here. And it's not just here. I'm noticing that I rarely post to my RL facebook or even DB facebook. Life is basically work my tail off while the kids are at school and H is at work, and then family times, family dinner, get the kids to bed, and then H and I relaxing, spending time together, until we realize it's 2am again, and we are seriously neglecting our sleep. So this is going to be rushed and likely full of mistakes. Hopefully it makes sense wink

We still go out at least once a week, but usually it's 2-3 times where we get a babysitter and go out and do something fun, try something new. We're both foodies, so attending a concert and trying a new restaurant is probably at the top of the favorite things to do. We're always looking for new and fun things to go and do together. He has planned a lot of really fun nights. H feels like he just never has enough time with me. He is planning that once the kids are out of school, to start going into work early, so he can leave work around 4/430 and have more time at night with me and the kids. This is pretty shocking. I mean, this is a total workaholic talking, where I would have a difficult time getting him to come home at 6:30. Him working until midnight a few nights a month or every quarter was not uncommon. He took a full week off for our anniversary and planned out multiple nights for us, including a murder, mystery dinner theatre. He really went all out for both our anniversary and mother's day.

He is very open to me and anything I need. He will do anything he can to make sure I'm in a good place and whatever he can to help me if I get triggered or am having trust issue moments. There was one time I couldn't get a hold of him, and I knew nothing was up. He was with the two younger boys, of course nothing would be up. But hearing his phone in a grocery store with a 1 year old and 3 year old, just not going to happen. But, it was just that moment of trying to call him multiple times, so he would feel his phone vibrate, so I could tell him I got out early and that I could come and meet him, that triggered me. It triggered me to the moments when he left and I had no clue what was going on and I would call and call him and he would ignore it, because now I know now he was with an OW. So moments that should mean nothing, will just come back on me like PTSD that can cause a full blown panic/anxiety attack. H is super sensitive to it. He always makes sure to have his phone by him, respond right away. But I feel like that's ridiculous in a lot of ways too. I hate that. I really do trust him, more than I ever thought I could so soon. I'm ready to stop living in the past and being triggered back there. I know it just takes time, and the time between triggers is getting spaced further and further apart. New, amazing, happy memories are overfilling and fading out the bad ones.

He tells me he loves me all the time. He says the sweetest, most thoughtful things. He shows me in so many ways how much he cares about me. He does a lot of romantic things. He has put together musical playlists for us. Things are really great between us. There is a lot of work, fun, exciting, relationship building work going on. Forgiveness is ongoing, as well as reminding myself that this is my choice. Everything is my choice. How I feel about things how I react to things and how I hold onto things in the past, that is all on me.

We went to a Christina Perri concert (AMAZING!) and there was a song that just hit him so hard called Distance. It was like he was hearing it for the first time. And ever since, that song has meant so much to both of us, even though it was one that resonated so true for me long before it did for him, the saying I love you when I know he wasn't listening. It rings true for both of us at different times, but now the song is ours. Now it's a song that makes us both appreciate what we have now. Because there was a time for him, a time when he gave up everyone and everything on the outside just to keep a sliver of me. A time when he knew all he wanted was me, but he thought that he could never get that back. That period between dropping everything and then working up the courage to fight for me, to tell me he loved me. My divorced friend saw us together at that concert and it made her cry to see how we were together. She wanted so badly to have what we have and she was so happy for us.

I do feel like this has been a time for me to fully deal with things that happened. I never fully dealt with a lot of the pain/heartbreak that was caused by all this. It was a shock and survive period of life for me. He knows without a doubt what he wants. But, he still feels an incredible amount of guilt, remorse, shame. He has not forgiven himself and feels sick about what he did, the pain he caused, and how close he came to losing absolutely everything that mattered to him. He has no interest in other things, other people. He has turned off so much of what was a part of his life before. Even the shadow of things from before are no longer okay. And he's really not interested in friends and things that he did during replay. He has really grown up in ways that I never expected he would. In ways I would never expect from anyone. He has left his teenage/college days behind him.

I know that the sooner I can get to the place where I can close the door on everything, the sooner he will be able to move past it too. I know life will always have ups and downs, and I have no doubt we can handle whatever comes our way. The pain then is part of the happiness now.


Christina Perri - Distance

The sun is filling up the room and I can hear you dreaming
Do you feel the way I do, right now?
I wish we would just give up
'Cause the best part is falling, calling it anything but love

And I will make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" when you're not listening
And how long can we keep this up, up, up?

Please don't stand so close to me, I'm having trouble breathing
I'm afraid of what you'll see, right now
I'll give you everything I am
All my broken heartbeats until I know you'll understand

And I will make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" when you're not listening
And how long can we keep this up, up, up?

And I keep waiting for you to take me
You keep waiting to say what we have

So I'll make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" when you're not listening
And how long can we keep this up, up, up?

Make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" when you're not listening
How long till we call this love, love, love?


M38,H39
M:16Y
BD:8/12
OWDB:11/12
S:11/12-5/13
"Temp" home:6/13
OW dropped:9/13
"I love you":12/13
H ring on:2/14
Depression back:5/15
"I'm done:" 7/15
H moved out: 3/16
H moved back: 12/16
Working on us: 3/17
Raine #2455808 05/28/14 11:07 PM
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Great update Raine, thanks for sharing smile

"I know that the sooner I can get to the place where I can close the door on everything, the sooner he will be able to move past it too. I know life will always have ups and downs, and I have no doubt we can handle whatever comes our way. The pain then is part of the happiness now."

^^^^ love this ^^^^ smile


Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me

~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Raine #2455867 05/29/14 12:02 PM
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Raine,
Thank you for the update and all I can say is "WOW"! I'm so very happy for you and your family.

As you and your family continue to reconnect and learn all of the new and exciting things going on in your lives, you will discover that this forum will become a distant memory and one that you will pull out periodically. I'm not surprised to read that things are going great and you don't have that need to come here and post as often now because reconciling is a lot of hard work and requires your attention. However, we all want you to know that we love you, support you and would love to continue hearing from you as time moves along...after all, you are a family member.

Raine, you are an inspiration to all who come here to post and read in the forum.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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