hope456, part 2

[KGirl]

Hope - some book recommendations for you!
Codependent No More (Melody Beattie)
Codependency for Dummies (can't remember the author right now but it's got the same yellow/black title as all the other "for Dummies" books, I imagine there's only one!)

Both are good but in different ways, hard for me to say which is better if you had to choose one. I'd recommend reading both. The first one is a bit more narrative and has more references to relationships w/ alcoholics or being the adult child of an alcoholic, but still has plenty of general info. I read that one first. Codependency for Dummies is a little concrete/instructional, though longer. That one is easier to read certain parts at a time as it's divided up into a bunch of sections. It has a lot of specific exercises and questions to ask yourself or think through. There is a section all about relationships and patterns, expectations in relationships, etc. that I found helpful. There is a "Codependent No More" workbook also by Melody Beattie, but I'm having a harder time getting into that one. It follows the 12 step model, which I understand the value of, but am still trying to make it fit with my beliefs/values (I'm athiest so it's hard to think of what a "higher power" would be for me). Labug may have some other recommendations, too.

As I'm sure you've seen on my board I'm discovering I struggle with these things, too... which I think plays into my trust issues that keep coming up with H. I cried a lot when I read the Melody Beattie book because a lot of the things she talks about I just thought were totally normal behaviors and that's what you did. Like, thinking carefully before you say something to someone to try to make sure you get the desired effect. I thought everyone did that. She lists out a bunch of codependent behaviors and that's right up there.

[hope456]

Thank you for the recommendations, KGirl! I'll definitely check them out. I never thought of myself as codependent, but what I've read on your thread and a couple of others has really reminded me of behavior that I exhibit, so I think it is worth me looking into.

Like, thinking carefully before you say something to someone to try to make sure you get the desired effect. I thought everyone did that. She lists out a bunch of codependent behaviors and that's right up there.

I'm absolutely guilty of this^^^^^. I actually spent some time after reading your post justifying that behavior to myself.

Total silence from H today, which is abnormal. I am proud of myself for not spending every moment wondering if I was going to hear from him. It was actually just an hour or so I go that I realized I hadn't heard anything at all. It might not seem like much, but it's really pretty good progress for me.

[hope456]

I was doing much better earlier today when H was in total silence mode. He called me on my way home from work wanting to talk about weekend plans. It is his weekend, but he agreed that I could have D7 from Saturday afternoon until Sunday at dinner time for Easter. He mentioned today that he wanted to be part of the Easter-morning basket thing. I told him he was welcome to come to the house early that morning. He kept saying he didn't know what his plans were for Saturday evening. I told him he could join us for coloring eggs and he brushed the suggestion off. Then, I was stupid, and said he could stay at the house on Saturday so he could see D7 first thing Sunday morning when she saw what the bunny left for her. H didn't saying anything negative, but the conversation became very awkward.

Then, tonight, I went to H's apartment to see D7 and tuck her in. H gave me cash to cover his half of auto insurance and some other mutual bills. He has been just depositing it into my account. He has access since I just kept our joint checking account. I asked if he could just have the money transferred to my account in the future so that I didn't have to go to the bank. You would have thought that I'd suggested he climb Mount Everest or something. He gave me a whole lecture about how it isn't that hard for me to go to the bank and he's been inconvenienced every other month by having to do it. I wanted to scream, "Yes, but you chose this, so you deserve the inconvenience." I did not, but I was in tears by this point. I think it was the two awkward conversations in just a few hours that caused that.

I need to learn not to touch my phone when I'm upset. After I left, we had the following conversation via text:

Me: Please don't act like I'm being the difficult one. I don't want any of this...(embarrassing exchanges of money, awkward conversations about splitting time with D7.)

H: Okay, understood.

Me: ?

H: ?

Me: I don't know what you mean you understand. I'm really not trying to be dense.

H: I understand what you're saying.

In retrospect, I recognize that none of that gets my closer to my goal of R. I need to work harder on not acting out of emotion, clearly. I think this also means that I was building up expectations (again) after our positive interactions recently. His pulling back over the last couple of days bothered me more than I thought.

[PeterV2]

Hi Hope;
I hear you. My wife moved out last Nov 2013 and I discovered her affair a month later. The house is empty and lonely and it's been a long haul over the last 4 months. She's still seeing the OP but claims she's not sleeping with him and I believe her. We see each other almost every day.
I've made a plan and am sticking to it as best I can. I wrote the plan out - it's 6 pages longs and includes the 37 rules:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2250607#Post2250607

I reread the plan almost daily. It helps me keep focused. It takes an inordinate amount of self-discipline and self-control. I hear you.

Just remember that this is probably the hardest thing you've done in your life and be proud of your self for fighting for your marriage. You're a good person. Make a written plan. Be Constant, Calm, Consistent and Committed. When your buttons get pushed, just be loving and calm. I know it's hard. I've lost it a couple of time and had to backpedal and apologize. I think we're making headway, but it's a slow process. It may take months. I know that's hard to fathom. I have difficulty with it often. I cry. I scream (when alone). But when in your spouses presence you have to be happy, calm, peaceful, contented. Like it says, be the spouse only a fool would want to leave. That means changing yourself. That's hard to do but absolutely necessary. Keep in mind that if all goes to crap and the marriage ends, that you've improved yourself to the point where you'll make someone else an excellent spouse. Keep the faith. You are worthy of love. You deserve love. You will be ok, no matter what happens.
Write a plan. Stick to the plan.
Michelle Weiner-Davis has some great material - she's a life-saver. Don't limit yourself though. Check out * Dr Dana Fillmore, Willard Harley and Gary Chapman. Become a student of relationships. Knowledge is a powerful thing and personal power is what you need to endure this turmoil. The only thing you can control is yourself: your behavior, your reactions to your spouse's behavior, your feelings. Learn thought-stopping. Self control is absolutely critical at this time in your life, and the lessons you learn will bode you well now and forever.
I only wish the best for you. Keep your chin up.

I have it printed out in a booklet and reread it constantly. It takes

[hope456]

The awkwardness from yesterday did not continue on today. H brought D7 to the house this morning. They are going fishing today and needed to pick fishing gear that is stored in the garage. I'm really excited that H is taking the time to spend some quality time with D7. She has asked him to go fishing many times, but he usually just goes with his friends. Celebrate the 1 percent, right?

So, he called to tell me that they would be over in a few minutes. We talked on the phone about cute behavior from D7. She talks in her sleep and we'd both been entertained recently by some of the stuff she said, so we swapped stories. They got here and he loaded his truck...and then raided my pantry for snacks. The conversation wasn't stilted or awkward. I wished them a good time and they left.

I plan to scrub my floors today (very cathartic for me!), finish reading a book I've been wanting to read (not self-help, for pleasure only ), and then get ready to go out for dinner/drinks to celebrate a friend's birthday. All of those things should help me keep a good PMA.

[hope456]

I had a great night! I went to see D7 at H's apartment before I left to meet my friends. When I got there, H said to D7, "Mommy looks really nice" and then muttered something along the lines of, "She looks too nice." As I was leaving, he asked me to text him to let him know that I made it home safely. I did text him when I got home (a little after 1 am) and he responded almost immediately asking if I had a good time. I told him that I had a great time. He then said, "I saw a pic of you with a bunch of guys and {friend} ." He must have been referring to one of the group pictures that my friends were posting on FB. My H is friends with my closest friends on FB, so he would have seen them. I guess it is a good sign that he noticed.

[hope456]

Trying hard not to mindread and just observe...My H has made two other comments today about my night last night. Me going out with a big group of people without H is pretty atypical for me. He called to find out when I wanted him to drop D7 off today and said something about the group of guys I was with (honestly, the group was split about 50/50).

Then he called a few minutes ago seemingly just to chat. He asked what I was doing and I told him cleaning the house. He said that he and D7 were cleaning his apartment today and washed the sheets. I said, "Oh, I washed sheets yesterday." His response was, "Oh, just in case you met a friend?" I wasn't really sure how to respond to that, so I said, "Yes, that's exactly why." He said he was just giving me a hard time. I didn't act offended or bothered by his questions. He'll be here in about an hour to drop D7 off. I have no idea what he'll say then. Any tips on what to say if he brings it up again?

[Upwards]

Sounds like its sparked his interest - ideal opportunity to add a little mystery - if he's asking questions just be a little vague and maybe keep yourself busy whilst he's around.

Glad you had a good night

[hope456]

Thanks, Upwards.

H dropped D7 off a little while ago. He seemed really upset when he did so. I asked if everything was OK and he brushed off the question. Then he told me that D7 told him she wanted to stay with me tomorrow night, too. I think his feelings were hurt. I validated and told him I was sorry and I understand that it s*cks when things like that happen. I called a few hours later to ask him to drop our camera off so that I could take pictures of Easter stuff tomorrow. He still didn't seem quite himself. I know...not my sandbox. I want to know what's bothering him, but I am at least to the point where I don't assume it must be about me, or us. Maybe (hopefully) that's a step in the right direction?

[hope456]

I'm struggling a bit tonight. Easter will be the first holiday we've spent apart. For me, it is a religious holiday as well as the bunny/eggs stuff. It will be the first Easter in which I play Easter bunny (filling D7's basket with goodies) by myself. She still believes so I find it to be a special, magical time. She wrote a note to the Easter bunny before she went to bed. Then reminded me several times not to stay up too late because she's worried the Easter bunny won't come if I'm still up.

H seemed to be in a better mood when he dropped the camera off. He gave me a hug, but is still acting very distant. I guess I'll try to pretend like it doesn't bother me...until it actually doesn't bother me. That's supposed to happen someday, right?