The Sex and Intimacy is Missing!

[DaddyLongShanks]

She's trying to show more affection, cuddles and kisses. But I find it seriously difficult to know how to handle this, when I know, she's said it again and again, she feels absolutely no desire for me, no desire for sex. So in turn, I am cold. I need to work on this from my side. We have an excellent relationship in every way bar the sexual. And there, I have the pain, the devaluation of my sexual identity, of knowing that she will never feel the passion for me that she has felt for other women. She wishes that I would simply get over the gay thing and accept a happy sexless relationship.
O for some little, modest sign of some possible change for the better!

Enjoy that. I'd work on building your desire for sexy and beautiful females in general. Restore this and then you can direct some towards her if she is receptive.

She has been your "wall" for so long, that it can keep you cold. You have to release the blocks and free that side of yourself.

I also coined the term "sexual identity". It must be fed and taken care of. It has it's own confidence and ego and maturity and skill.

I would let her do it, and perhaps encourage her to provide manual stimulation. Just let her feel competent and enjoy pleasing you and kissing you. Her feelings and confidence in it can become stronger.

[sbrass]

March, now. No progress at all. I've said to myself, and to her, that there should be no major decisions before the end of the first year after her coming out - so May. But it's getting closer, and I can see no signs of change. Can I accept celibacy to stay with her?

[DaddyLongShanks]

March, now. No progress at all. I've said to myself, and to her, that there should be no major decisions before the end of the first year after her coming out - so May. But it's getting closer, and I can see no signs of change. Can I accept celibacy to stay with her?

No you do not. She doesn't get to define you that way. Take your life back. She doesn't have to be a lover of yours, but a good friend instead since that's the role she has chosen to fill.

[sbrass]

No change at all; not a glimmer. She's entirely content with a sexless marriage; and I am not. There are days when I wish for an accident that would castrate me, and remove the problem! O for some progress and some peace!

[DaddyLongShanks]

No change at all; not a glimmer. She's entirely content with a sexless marriage; and I am not. There are days when I wish for an accident that would castrate me, and remove the problem! O for some progress and some peace!

Don't do that!

Why would she have sex? What is she going to get out of it that she isn't getting today?

I think your getting to a point where you can say "Well if things don't change I'm going to be forced to cheat or leave. now if I cheat, I will not sneak around. I'm going to have a sexual life, and your not allowed to control that. Me taking on a sexual partner or lover does not in any way mean I'm a swinger. If you decide to take on a man, I will leave you. Right away. I'm doing this because you forced me into the position. I no longer want it from you anyway"

[sbrass]

You ask 'what is she going to get out of it?'. She could get a sense of being cherished and loved, and perhaps even a little pleasure! Such is my on-going dream. We have a long car journey ahead of us tomorrow, just the two of us, so time to talk!

[sbrass]

Is this as good as it gets? This is a successful MOM!

Perhaps this is as good as it gets. After all, what is ‘a successful Mixed orientation Marriage’? Early next month we will come to the first anniversary of her coming out. And we’re still together, still exclusive and faithful to each other, and intending to continue that way.

What a year of trauma it has been, mostly for me, but some for her too. The ‘d’ word has been spoken, divorce. We’ve looked at all the other options: an open marriage, one side or both. Perhaps we’re going for the hardest one, or perhaps it’s the easiest, the one involving the least change. We both felt too old to start new lives. After all, there’s no guarantee of finding a better, more compatible partner if we separate. We’ve invested a lot, most of our lives, in THIS relationship. And there’s a lot of good in it. We like each other; we talk together, we do things together (and apart). But we’ve never had much of a sex life, and now we have none.
We’ve agreed on a weekly cuddle, on a fixed time and day, and being the eternal optimist that I am, I can’t help hoping that this may become a little more… But I think that for now, she simply isn’t able to give any more. Her long (30 years!!) struggles against her ssa have left her asexual. So there’s very little of the intimacy that for me is such an important part of a marriage. The total giving and opening up, the vulnerability, the no hold-back, the intimacy, the desire for the beloved other. And we’re both mourning the hot sex that we’ve never known and will never know.

But there’s a very deep intimacy all the same. She trusted me, she shared with me her deepest struggle, her darkest secret. We are friends and perhaps even lovers, but without the sex. Can this be enough for me? We’ll see. But it’s already a lot. But I have to learn to live with the present, with what I have, rather than dreaming of some future and improbable miracle change. This is a good day, with lots of good things in it, even without sex. Perhaps this is as good as it gets, and this is success, not the miracle that I was searching for on the web in someone else’s experience. With some magical way of arousing a lesbian who has no desire for me at all, but a lot of tenderness and affection. And there are no secrets, and there is trust. That’s a pretty rare and precious gift too. There are no guarantees for the future – but that’s true of every marriage. Ours are just lived with a far greater realism about the fragility of all relationships.

I am grateful for all the long-distance support of friends that I've never met in person, via the Web. My one regret is not having met in person with any of those I've found on the Web, and not met with any MOM partners in person here in Switzerland.

[DaddyLongShanks]

Is this as good as it gets? This is a successful MOM!

Perhaps this is as good as it gets. After all, what is ‘a successful Mixed orientation Marriage’? Early next month we will come to the first anniversary of her coming out. And we’re still together, still exclusive and faithful to each other, and intending to continue that way.

What a year of trauma it has been, mostly for me, but some for her too.

At least you get to accept that you mostly have to accept the proposition of male-female and penetrative sex with your current wife is over. It's humane versus leaving you in there with the prospect of it happening.

My problem I keep encountering is that even though it is not someone's personal preference, and even if they are not ATTRACTED, does it really kill them to share sexuality and GIVE it to someone that they care about?

I do know that allowing penetration by you, may kill or subside some of this lesbian strength which has built up over the years, and there is likely tons of maleness in you that will be restored by interacting closely with someone who see's you for the man you are and desires that man.

The ‘d’ word has been spoken, divorce. We’ve looked at all the other options: an open marriage, one side or both. Perhaps we’re going for the hardest one, or perhaps it’s the easiest, the one involving the least change. We both felt too old to start new lives. After all, there’s no guarantee of finding a better, more compatible partner if we separate. We’ve invested a lot, most of our lives, in THIS relationship. And there’s a lot of good in it. We like each other; we talk together, we do things together (and apart). But we’ve never had much of a sex life, and now we have none.

Not an easy propisition. I'm not happy for you that you had this denied to you for so long and now completely out of limits ( with this particular person ).

We’ve agreed on a weekly cuddle, on a fixed time and day, and being the eternal optimist that I am, I can’t help hoping that this may become a little more…

We all hope this. Does this cuddle "feel" good to her, even though you are a man? Do you feel restraint by her, or pained in the cuddle, or does it really feel like something she wants to share with you?

But I think that for now, she simply isn’t able to give any more. Her long (30 years!!) struggles against her ssa have left her asexual. So there’s very little of the intimacy that for me is such an important part of a marriage. The total giving and opening up, the vulnerability, the no hold-back, the intimacy, the desire for the beloved other. And we’re both mourning the hot sex that we’ve never known and will never know.

I fully believe that it is possible she has been asexualized or even a lesbian. No desire nor sexual attraction from a man. Actually it could even be a repulsion, the same as if you could sexually desire another MAN! Wow.

But there’s a very deep intimacy all the same. She trusted me, she shared with me her deepest struggle, her darkest secret. We are friends and perhaps even lovers, but without the sex. Can this be enough for me? We’ll see. But it’s already a lot. But I have to learn to live with the present, with what I have, rather than dreaming of some future and improbable miracle change. This is a good day, with lots of good things in it, even without sex.

Optimizm and overanalysis killing you, and taking you in. This is your image as a result of a reflection from her, an asexual or lesbian woman who has no sexual desire for a man. One who has grown comfortable with you in the position you are in.

Perhaps this is as good as it gets, and this is success, not the miracle that I was searching for on the web in someone else’s experience. With some magical way of arousing a lesbian who has no desire for me at all,

After all these years reading your posts, I also accept it. If she is asexual or lesbian, it is possible she has absolutely ZERO desire for a male, ANY male. That it is analogous to you having sexual desire for another male. A fit male, an unfit male, a alpha male, a bad boy. You will not sexually desire it no matter who it is, and sexually it may even disgust you to consider it!

but a lot of tenderness and affection.

Hugs holds and sweet kisses? I can't imagine tihs if you have to organize a weekly cuddle moment. If you have hugs holds and kisses from your now asexual or lesbian wife you have more than many of us sexless people are getting.

And there are no secrets, and there is trust. That’s a pretty rare and precious gift too. There are no guarantees for the future – but that’s true of every marriage. Ours are just lived with a far greater realism about the fragility of all relationships.

Yours is where an open relationship where you take on a lover is a sympathetic and loving guesture. Maybe she could find you a female for the role and it would be a loving thing for her to do.

I am grateful for all the long-distance support of friends that I've never met in person, via the Web. My one regret is not having met in person with any of those I've found on the Web, and not met with any MOM partners in person here in Switzerland.

[sbrass]

Hi, DaddyLongShanks. You've been a faithful responder to my posts and my pains.

I'm moving towards retirement, and now don't work on Fridays, so Friday morning is hug and cuddle morning. Of course, I hope and dream that it may go further, but for now, I'm pleasantly surprised how much we both seem to enjoy this non-sexual time of bonding.

I am puzzled that for her 'coming out' was just the label, putting into words her lesbian desires. I can't help feeling that she's gone back into the closet, since she refuses to explore what being a lesbian could mean, even if it means staying in a relationship with a str8 man. But I am feeling at peace. I have made my choices, which were not imposed on me. But I'm not closing the door on more changes down the road. The only permanence is change!

[DaddyLongShanks]

Hi, DaddyLongShanks. You've been a faithful responder to my posts and my pains.

I'm moving towards retirement, and now don't work on Fridays, so Friday morning is hug and cuddle morning. Of course, I hope and dream that it may go further, but for now, I'm pleasantly surprised how much we both seem to enjoy this non-sexual time of bonding.

I am puzzled that for her 'coming out' was just the label, putting into words her lesbian desires. I can't help feeling that she's gone back into the closet, since she refuses to explore what being a lesbian could mean, even if it means staying in a relationship with a str8 man. But I am feeling at peace. I have made my choices, which were not imposed on me. But I'm not closing the door on more changes down the road. The only permanence is change!

You just like the challenge. Many of the wives who have went the direction of yours will allow the male to have a sex partner to fill that need. I know it will make you feel much better to have that part of yourself taken care of, and it may trigger something in your wife to see it.