Loot and lawyers ...

[Starsky309]

Does that make sense? I will not be saving SQUAT by squatting here now.

Mathematically maybe it does, at least at the current numbers, but more broadly -- no, it doesn't. You will have to pay SOMETHING, SOMEWHERE for either rent or mortgage. Either this house at its current mortgage payment, this house refinanced or a rental. Between whatever final settlement you reach with your husband and whatever income you end up making in whatever job -- the two of you need to co-parent and come up with a safe shelter for your children.

I'm saying begin putting that plan and budget together now, and using your husband's foolish nonchalance about the mortgage that is in his name -- by NOT PAYING IT -- as a way to transition to the new plan.

Either your husband's proposed contribution going forward is fair and reasonable, as your attorney says, or it's not. It either allows you a reasonable plan for that contribution, plus what income you can reasonably expect to make, to add up to a plan whereby you can provide food, clothing and shelter for your kids . . . or it doesn't. In which case it's time to get a better lawyer.


Starsky

[Train]

H picked up the kids yesterday for his afternoon with them. He was a complete jerk, as expected. Though he had offered last weekend - when he was being friendly - to check my car out before I drive the kids 4.5 hours to the coast, when I asked him what more we needed to check yesterday than the oil (which the car burns soooo fast), he rattled off half-a-dozen things and then seriously chuckled. In his typical smarta$s tone, he said, "What? Do you need me to check it tomorrow?" I told him no because we'd be leaving too early for him to do it today.

And that was it.

Then, before he pulled out of the driveway, he called me to ask if he could buy the kids anything for the beach.

While he had the kids, I broke down and cried - only the third time since this nightmare started. It wasn't a sad cry. It was a mad cry. I lashed out. I cursed. My mom, bless her, just sat there and listened and nodded. I got it out of my system for another day .... or week. And I called my brother, and he walked me through checking and topping-off my own d*mn oil. And my brake fluid. And my power-steering fluid. And my coolant.

Then - and here's what's jaw-dropping - H dropped off the kids last night and was asking about what time we're leaving. I also told him what day we'd be home. He said: "What? Am I not invited to come down anymore?"

I had told him, before I went "dim" a couple weeks ago, that he could head down to join us for a couple days because I'd be taking away three of his days with the kids to go. I told him that his visit, if he made it, would actually give me a break from the kids after a full week of sun and sand. H, at that time, even mentioned "mommy and daddy going swimming" to S7. (Not to point out the obvious here, but he wasn't exactly referring to actual swimming; he can't even swim well.) But things have been different the past two weeks. I'm not communicating with him except for the kids. And then he pulled the financial rug out from under me yesterday, making me choose between paying bills and going on this trip. And - what? - he thinks hanging out together for a couple days at the beach is going to be comfortable?!?

Is he literally out of his mind???

I changed the subject to his bike race, because that's why he initially said he couldn't come down in the first place. He said he wasn't going to be racing now. And that's how I left it. I had NO idea what to say.

But, seriously, are these people freaking delusional?

[Train]

I'm saying begin putting that plan and budget together now, and using your husband's foolish nonchalance about the mortgage that is in his name -- by NOT PAYING IT -- as a way to transition to the new plan.

I follow you completely. This is my dilemma! I had been mulling this over since H left, trying to decide what to do. I'm usually pretty decisive. I will obviously come up with a plan soon, especially now that H has slashed his financial support. I've been anticipating he would, but I had no idea by how much. Now, at least I have something to work with.

My mom has offered to move in here ... or into a new place with us ... after her lease runs out in June. My dad died seven years ago, and she's lonely living by herself anyway. It's not ideal. But it makes sense, financially.

This is one of the things I was falling apart about yesterday: After I budgeted my utilities, groceries and health insurance (because it won't be long before H dumps me off that, too), I'm left with just over $400/month. That's what I have left for mortgage/rent. Assuming I can find a full-time minimum-wage job, I'd net - what? - $1,000 a month? Daycare for D2 would be around $700 a month. So I'd bring home $300 a month. And much of that would go to doctor's appointments because of the germs floating around daycare.

How much sense does it make for me to work to bring home $300/month? This is the very reason H and I decided it was smarter for me to stay home. I mean, I was making more than minimum wage at the newspaper ... but not THAT much more. The news industry doesn't pay much. And I've already been in touch with three different newspapers that are only hiring stringers right now.

I am also wrestling with S7, who has been homeschooled for three years. He is FREAKING OUT about going to school, no matter how much fun I tell him it's going to be.

I'll be spending more time on my budget while I'm at the beach. My sister will be there for a couple days, and she's always good at talking me through things.

In which case it's time to get a better lawyer.

You and I think a lot alike sometimes. THIS is what I told my mom yesterday. If L thinks what H is giving me right now "might be reasonable," I think I'll be seeking a second opinion somewhere else.

[Starsky309]

Only having $400 left over (and I'm assuming this is after a pretty austere budget you put together for the other necessities) doesn't jibe with a long-term marriage, a SAHM, your husband's high income (from BOTH jobs, not just the one -- he doesn't get to shelter that 2nd out, it will all come out in the financial disclosures that the court will demand from both of you), and most jurisdictions' "lifestyle to which she and the kids are accustomed" standard.

Sorry, it just doesn't. The CS is the CS, but the SS needs to include a number like $1300 - $1500 per month for a safe, reasonably comfortable shelter for you and his children, preferably in S7's current school district. And frankly, a good bulldog family law atty would see that as an ultimate SETTLING point, not as his or her OPENING point.

The fact that your atty sees your husband's current offer -- if it indeed only frees up $400 for shelter for you and your children -- as "reasonable" is alarming to me.

I know this person is some sort of a family friend, but I seriously think you need to consider shopping for another atty. A BULLDOG. You may have to front the retainer somehow, but your H would very likely have to reimburse you for it as part of any settlement.

Starsky, who's not a lawyer but I did go thru this once and I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express once

[Train]

Yes, yes and yes. I completely agree.

L said his partner deals more in family law, and he consulted with him about the spousal-support issue, asking him specifically what the courts seem to be awarding these days. He said his partner is guessing I'd be awarded only *$500 a month* in spousal support??? But, again, they acknowledge it's alllll "a crap shoot."

L has stuck to his guns with our numbers ($1,600 for CS and $1,000 for SS), even telling H to go find his own L to run the numbers past him/her, so it shocks me that $600 less than what we asked for "might be reasonable." I don't see a way I can come down from $2,600. And that would STILL only leave me with $1,000 a month for a place to live.

Now, let me say this: my utilities - especially power/natural gas - are super-high in this old house. Moving somewhere more energy-efficient will likely save me at least $150/month. And my DD16&17 both have jobs and might have to start pulling some weight on their own, like paying their portion of the cell-phone bill. They already pay their own car insurance.

So there are avenues to whittle down the budget a little, to be sure. But there's not A TON of wiggle room there.

Again, I can have my mom as a roommate, which would likely even enable me to continue staying home with the kids. So that's at least one option. And I've been offered a freelancing gig, but that wouldn't contribute a whole lot. I also have creative talents - I have FOUR sewing machines (lol) - that people literally line up to utilize, and that has brought in extra income in the past. I stopped most of that late last year so I could focus more on my son's school work. I could pick those things back up, even though I've had NO motivation to do anything since H left. But desperate times call for desperate measures.

I have a friend who has a house that will come open for rent in June. At this point, I'm wondering if I should "squat," considering I'm not going to be saving a whole heck of a lot of money in the meantime, or if I should jump on that house when it opens. That's been in the back of my mind, too. And the rent there is $1,000, but they said they'd knock that down a little for me. Problem is: it's only 3 BR, so I wouldn't have space to move my mom in. In fact, the kids and I would be squished like sardines in a 3 BR. THAT would be the advantage of staying in THIS house ... because it has a bonus room downstairs and 3.5 BRs upstairs. My mom has already been staying here some to help with the kids, so I know we'd have room for her to stay here. But, again, she can't start helping with bills until June because she has her OWN expenses. By June, I'll be behind in mortgage payments by two months.

These are the thoughts that have been muddying my mind for 2 months now. And I keep bouncing back and forth on what's best for the kids and me.

[Starsky309]

Yes, yes and yes. I completely agree.

L said his partner deals more in family law, and he consulted with him about the spousal-support issue, asking him specifically what the courts seem to be awarding these days. He said his partner is guessing I'd be awarded only *$500 a month* in spousal support??? But, again, they acknowledge it's alllll "a crap shoot."

My guess is that his partner isn't aware that your husband will not be continuing the pay the mortgage as part of that ^^^. He may be thinking of a "spousal stipend" sort of thing, alimony beyond the CS and the basic household living expenses?

[Train]

My guess is that his partner isn't aware that your husband will not be continuing the pay the mortgage as part of that ^^^.

Unfortunately, the CS figure includes his share of the kids mortgage. I'm just thinking I'd rather go ahead and take it to court than to try to "settle" outside of court. I think I'll take my chances with a judge - you know, give him the basics: H abandoned our M and family for OW. I have been a SAHM for 7.5 years.

The circumstances aren't pretty and, IMO, aren't favorable to H. And L even said he thinks a judge would award me the "maximum amount possible," especially considering the crude circumstances.

We will see what H's L pitches. But I don't see us agreeing. And I don't see me settling. Not this time.

***

H got ANOTHER one of my days started with ANOTHER of his screw-ups. He started his own bank account and locked me out of being able to check the joint one online. In his paranoia, he did the very same thing about a month ago and then went through the steps to fix it. This time, he told me - in no uncertain terms - that he "just went through this last month," so I'd need to fix his screw-up myself. While I'm at the beach with the kids. And he's home by himself.

I swear, looking back, I feel like my ENTIRE marriage has been me cleaning up his messes, beginning with the birth of his and his mistresses' child in 2006 ... two months after I birthed S7. I stood beside that ba$tard while he took $750 a month out of the mouth of our son to give to her in CS. I stood by him, and fought beside him, while he paid that for SEVEN YEARS.

H signed over his paternal rights to his DD a little over a year ago; she was adopted by OW#1's new H.

So, yeah, as soon as the "consequences" of his first screw-up were "paid," he starts all over, ditching me ... again.

I hate him SO badly right now ...

I just want out from under him. Yesterday.

Vent over.

Calling all vets: I'm going to have some questions later this week about how to state boundaries. I know how to set them, but I have no practice in STATING them. I usually just set them without saying anything.

But for now, I'm too busy enjoying my view of a beautiful ocean. H wants me to be as miserable as he is. But he can wait a week.

[Starsky309]

I swear, looking back, I feel like my ENTIRE marriage has been me cleaning up his messes, beginning with the birth of his and his mistresses' child in 2006 ... two months after I birthed S7. I stood beside that ba$tard while he took $750 a month out of the mouth of our son to give to her in CS. I stood by him, and fought beside him, while he paid that for SEVEN YEARS.

Wow . . . how'd I miss THAT little gem in your backstory???


Whoo boy.


Starsky

[Train]

My story was longgggg. Easy to miss a detail here and there.

THAT little gem is why I honestly can't understand why H has done this again. Even if I didn't perfectly or fully fulfill his essential needs the past 7.5 years, I deserved better than this ... again.

Forgiveness was hard the first time. Not sure it's even possible again.

The ONLY reason I have considered trying is because my family matters to me. And I feel H and I never addressed what happened the first time. So I have no idea if the issue is one about unmet needs, miscommunication or a personality/mental disorder. Or if it's just his character and I "missed" that during all the rest of our 12 years together.

I just don't know.

[Train]

What an awesome day on the beach with my kids! For the first time since we've been here, the sun was fully shining, and the temperatures were warm enough to soak up some rays ... and for this momma to drink a few cold ones in the sand. Yay!

H texted this morning, asking how things were going. I replied: "going great." Then he said he hasn't "bothered" to call the kids because every time he calls, it's always "f'd up with background noise and commotion." (That "background noise and commotion" would be other happy kids ... you know, things that would have made him happy three months ago ...) He ended that text with: "and now you say your phone is screwed." (That's the result of a text I sent Saturday night to tell him to call D17 if he couldn't get in touch with me for S7 and D2 because I jumped in the ocean late that night with my phone in my pocket, but I told him even then that the phone would eventually be fine ... I was just having volume issues with it.)

Anyway, I just replied: "Phone's a-ok now."

Later, he texted asking for photos of "all the beach bums." So I sent him a couple pictures of S7 and D2.

And that's that.

He had texted a couple days ago, asking if I was drinking beer under an umbrella on the beach ... something he and I used to enjoy doing. I'm just sending back short, but polite, texts if/when - but ONLY if/when - he asks a question. He's not texting often. Maybe 2-3 times a day, if at all.

I DID get hit on Saturday night in the condo bar. It's not a bar, per se. I mean, it IS. But kids are welcome, and karaoke was Saturday night. My sister and I - along with several of our kids - had a BALL! This handsome man was in there, also with his son. Before he left, he approached me and asked me if he could tell me something without offending me. I said sure. He said, "You are a very attractive woman ... (insert blah blah blah things here) .."

I said thanks, looked down at his finger and BOOM! Noticed the ring. I just shook my head. It sank me for a minute, realizing that maybe all men are pigs. Then I remembered this very board and thought: Nah. There are a few good men out there. Unfortunately, y'all are strangers. Oh, and HAPPILY MARRIED.

***

On boundaries ...

As I mentioned in a prior post, I usually don't EXPRESS boundaries. Right or wrong, I just decide in my mind what my boundaries are, and I tailor my behavior, actions and attitude to enforce said boundaries.

But one boundary I need to set for ME is that H - if he's ever in my presence - does not text OW. I feel it's incredibly distasteful and disrespectful for him to do this. (I know, I know. *MY* H? Distasteful and disrespectful? Say it ain't so!!)

This would be a newly-stated boundary for me. (I would also like to set a boundary that he does not text the wh0re while with our children, but I know - with us living separate - I can't enforce that, so it's dumb to try to set that.)

But let's say, for instance, H is in our/my home after I have stated my boundary. And let's assume he starts texting. First, how do I know if he's texting HER and not someone else? How do I handle it if he IS texting her? I can ask him to leave. And he can say no. How do I enforce a boundary like that once I've stated it?

He's not in the house much these days, and I imagine his time around me will dwindle even more now that I've distanced myself more and he's responded by being a complete douchebag and pulling the financial carpet out from under me.

But how do I state my boundary? WHEN do I state it? And how do I handle enforcing it?

Let me be fair and give credit where credit is due: I have noticed, in any interactions recently, that he has not been on his phone, which is different than how he was being at first. Those two Sundays that he spent with the kids at our house? He was texting her while sitting on the couch beside ME, watching TV. The past couple times I've seen him, he hasn't even been on his phone. OR, if he's been on his phone, he always makes a comment about a friend/coworker ... *seemingly* to let me know that's who he was talking to (and not OW).

BUT, I'm concerned that H is going to be in touch about potentially spending the weekend here since that's something I had mentioned to him a month ago; as I've posted before, I told him then that he could spend the weekend here in exchange for me taking three of his days to bring the kids here for over a week. Since I told him that, though, I've gone "dim." And he responded by pulling back his financial support by $1,300/month. I don't want him here. I don't want to be around him. But even on Thursday, when he dropped the kids off, he asked, "Am I not invited anymore?" I didn't exactly answer, which was stupid. But I hadn't prepared for a response, because I just assumed he'd KNOW - considering the tension between us - that I wouldn't want to be around him.

I think, through my non-response, he got the point. So I can't imagine he'll want to come here. I also CANNOT IMAGINE that OW would be okay with him spending the weekend here. But he's full of surprises lately, and he knows exactly where I am because it's my sister's place, and we've been here several times as a married couple.

So, if I can't hold him off, and if he ends up here, how would I set the boundary about no-contact with OW for two full days? How could I state that boundary BEFORE he comes (IF he comes and gives me warning)? Chances are: If I state it correctly, he's not going to agree to it, and THAT is exactly what will keep him away if he asks me about coming down.

Anyone out there with experience? .... Starsky? ... Lol.

And also: What's up with my girlfriends saying I'm being "too nice" to H because I refuse to engage him? He says something stupid and mean, and I reply: "Okay thanks," or something to that nature. I'm trying to be like water, letting everything - the good, the bad, the ugly - roll off my back. I guess most people expect to see me fight things out? Fight fire with fire? *AM* I being too nice by generally ignoring his crap comments???