Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 9 10
AndyK #2446077 04/16/14 02:04 PM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 97
A
AndyK Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 97
She has just texted me saying the following regarding MC tonight

'I know there are things you want to say tonight, shall we bring both cars so things won't be awkward?'

I guess I need to really address this properly as she is obviously worried.
I have just replied saying

'its up to you I don't intend to make things awkward'

Really don't know what to expect tonight???

AndyK #2446095 04/16/14 02:57 PM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 97
A
AndyK Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 97
She seems to think I am going to drag up all of her indescretions and all that she has done to hurt me over the past few months.
But I fully intend to say something along these lines, when asked.

'I accept everything that has happened did so because you were unhappy in our marriage. I didn't realise things then that I really should have and obviously you had been unhappy for a long time.
All I can do is apologise for not doing enough to look after your needs in the way I should have. I realise now that there were so many things I paid no attention to when I should have. I can't change what has happened in the past and that saddens me.
All I can do is continue to be the best Dad I can be for our boys and I hope you find happiness in your life'

Does that sound too weak or forgiving?
Any advice on what I might or should say would be appreciated.

AndyK #2446100 04/16/14 03:34 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 634
Y
Member
Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 634
'I accept everything that has happened did so because you were unhappy in our marriage.

Do you trully accept that? Are you being honest here or you just want her to see your changes?

I didn't realise things then that I really should have and obviously you had been unhappy for a long time.

Life its a learning experience, are you working on those issues?

All I can do is apologise for not doing enough to look after your needs in the way I should have.
I realise now that there were so many things I paid no attention to when I should have. I can't change what has happened in the past and that saddens me.

Why would that sadden you? How could you be a better you if you didnt experience all this?

All I can do is continue to be the best Dad I can be for our boys and I hope you find happiness in your life'

I dont think you should say so many words, more actions will be better.

Does that sound too weak or forgiving?
How do you think it sounds? If you bring up those 2 words, maybe its because you identify them in that text...

Any advice on what I might or should say would be appreciated.

What has been done its past, if you are gentle with yourself you will be able to accept that, everybody does "mistakes" including her...

What about:
I understand how you felt in the M, and I am sorry you felt that way.
I apologize for the issues that arise and how I contributed to.
Let me know how can I help you with all this situation and if there is something that I could do for you.


When the student its ready, the teacher will appear...
Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me."
Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
ye21 #2446113 04/16/14 04:24 PM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 97
A
AndyK Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 97
I do accept what I did to create the situation in our marriage.
She hasn't really spoken to me about exactly what her issues were except for the gambling a few years back and my age.
I can do nothing about my age except try and look after myself which I am doing now in a big way.
Some friends have suggested that if age is an issue for her it would have been anyway no matter what, I've no idea?
I am really trying to focus on what I need to change because I need to not because I want her back ( even though I hope that is a knock on effect)
Part of me is unsure right now what sort of relationship we could have now as so much has happened.
I still really do love her but things would need to change on both sides for us to ever get back together.

AndyK #2446175 04/16/14 08:45 PM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 97
A
AndyK Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 97
MC is over
I said something along the lines of what I had planned.
Her response was that she was relieved that I felt like that.
She said her aim in the MC was too see us come through all of this sane and happy.
I probably said more after that than I had intended, the counsellor was asking questions etc and I was answering honestly but it seemed that the blame for all of this was being placed squarely at my door.
I continued to accept responsibility, because of the gambling,not focusing on her needs, neglecting areas that I should have focused on etc.
She was happy to let me do this and it seemed that all of this was totally my fault.
Eventually the counsellor asked how I felt about what had been discussed so far. I reaffirmed again my responsiblity in contributing things but said I felt frustrated that it seemed that all of this was totally my responsiblity and there seemed to be no acceptance from her about her role in this.
She said that she accepted that she had done wrong but that she wouldn't have had she been happy.
'I wasn't unhappy' she said ' its just that I wasn't really really happy, our lives were routine and boring'
I asked why she had never discussed any of this with me and she shrugged and had no real explanation.
He then asked each of us how we saw things going forward
I said that I accepted that she no longer wanted to be in the marriage and I was moving on with my life. I said I hoped she could eventually find what she was looking for with or without me.
She immediately picked up on this saying, 'why are you saying with or without? Its definitely without so please don't hold out any hope'
I can't say right for saying wrong obviously.

AndyK #2446405 04/17/14 03:50 PM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 97
A
AndyK Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 97
I have now decided to use the Easter break as a last time together weekend.
It's obvious she is only suggesting things together because otherwise she would be on her own.
I will make it the best weekend I can for the boys and make every effort to be relaxed around her.
After that I am going into full LRT mode, I am tired of her games and cake eating and I really need to move on now.
I am wondering should I tell her at the end of our days together that it is the last time for it or should I just get on with doing it?

AndyK #2446411 04/17/14 03:59 PM
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 355
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 355
Just get on with doing it.

IMO - even if you back up the saying with the doing, it still comes across as planned and therefore a tactic. If you just 'do' it comes across as more natural, more mysterious and more genuine.


Me:38 W:39
No Children
BD: 5/13
EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13
W Moved out 12/13
dingo #2446416 04/17/14 04:11 PM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 97
A
AndyK Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 97
Thanks Dingo
That makes a lot of sense to me.
Will just do it and refuse any further suggestions of time together.

AndyK #2446473 04/17/14 06:11 PM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 97
A
AndyK Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 97
One of the areas of difficulty for me in LRT is detachment.
I am slowly beginning to do that but it is very difficult as I have been completely in love with her for 13 years and never imagined that we would ever split.
My brain is slowly but surely beginning to accept that it has happened and that I have to detach to get through this properly.
She is still in my thoughts almost every minute of every day so its hard.
Any guidance on detachment would be gratefully accepted

AndyK #2446488 04/17/14 06:48 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 634
Y
Member
Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 634
Andyk the best way to detach its time, and GAl. Now she is in your mind every minute, evenctually she will not.


When the student its ready, the teacher will appear...
Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me."
Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Page 3 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard