Discovering the buck stops here....

[mizjjd]

MC tomorrow. H doesnt see why we have to go. He started an R talk this morning.

He still needs OW in his life. She is good for him. Its not hurting me, I need to just get over it.

I say it isnt good for him, and its costing him his marriage.

He tells me I don't know that. That doesn't even make sense. Im pretty sure that I do know....

And I know too that I can't do this much longer. This is a text H sent me today.

I think with someone like me you need to be able to endure. I don't have the ability to endure a lengthy relationship. And I have with you, and I give you all the credit for that.

I have to endure? That never came up in his proposal. Will you endure me?

Sigh. Feeling very low.

~ Jaye

[kml]

He still needs OW in his life. She is good for him. Its not hurting me, I need to just get over it.

I'm sorry, but this almost made me laugh out loud. He just doesn't see why you're bothered by this? Why then do I suspect he would NOT be as sanguine if the shoe was on the other foot and YOU were carrying on an affair right under his nose???

It'll be interesting to see what happens in the MC - I'd like to see the counselor's response to that. make sure you share that part.

That being said - unless the counselor can get through to him that this is not ok or appropriate - it may well be time to allow him to feel the consequences of his actions. You are not a doormat and there's no reason to "endure" such inappropriate behavior - and it sets a bad example for your kids.

[mizjjd]

kml: I'm sorry, but this almost made me laugh out loud. He just doesn't see why you're bothered by this?

I know, right? What kind of wife would be bothered by her H having an affair?

Just came from the first MC session.

I liked the doctor.

The doctor seemed to totally "get" why I don't appreciate H continuing his "friendship" with OW.

H did most of the talking. Last night, in discussion of the pending appointment H announced he wasn't going to talk at all. Lol, that'd be the day...

Dr. kept coming back to H with, "So, it's the H-show and Jaye is just a part of the scenery for you?"

H characterized OW as someone with "problems and issues". Revealed she is on "all sort of medications which she says make her brain vibrate." (What a gift that was to me lol. H might shoulda never said that... )

H characterized me as an introvert with no friends. I broke in and said, "Wait. You told me just the other day that one of the main reasons you hang on to OW is because you have no friends. I however have friends. I have X, Y, Z and Q."

H says, "Q is not much of a friend."

Dr. "What's wrong with Q?

Jaye, "Q is not very attractive and so is not worthy according to H."

H "No, she's a total basket case. Not much of a friend!"

Jaye, "Q is a basket case? You're the one who has a gf with a vibrating brain and you call Q a basket case?!?"

(The Dr. laughed. Not sure if he was supposed to, but lol, who wouldn't?)

I cried several times, cause hey, its my strength.

And H's eyes were red by the end.

And we have 2 more appointments scheduled.

I feel pretty good right now. Nice to connect with a human being, male at that, who says what H is doing is not a good thing.

Do I think this is going to fix our M? I'd have to say probably not. H said in response to the suggestion of giving up OW "If it isn't this OW it will be somebody else." This is something I knew of course, but it was interesting to hear it from H.

But doesn't give me much desire to continue the M.

4 more free visits. Next one is Monday.

Take care all.

Don't let your brains vibrate too much

~~Jaye

[LiveNow]

O.M.G. This ^^^ made me literally bust out laughing. How could the Dr. NOT laugh? I just love the 'vibrating brain' explanation. mizjjd - you seem to be dealing this very, very well. Keep going. You'll get through this! You are an inspiration.

[MrBond]

You actually let him talk to you like that? Here is where a truth dart would be good.

[mizjjd]

Live Now, welcome to DB. You came aboard just as I was slowing down my posting here, so I haven't had a chance to meet you. I skimmed your sitch and am very sorry for your troubles. Not sure how inspirational I may be. You however seem to be an instinctive DBer so kudos to you!

Mr. Bond, which communication offended you?

Last night H told me what he thought of the session - which wasn't much. He felt the Dr. was "on my side". He was mad mad mad at me. One of the questions the Dr. asked me was if my interactions with H were "superficial". I said that to an extent yes, they are. Because I'm not about to be vulnerable to H while OW is present. While he's still in the "if not this one then another one" mind set.

H feels betrayed. (I see some irony here...) I am puzzled by this. I have never told H things were hunky dory. I have never pretended to be happy while secretly being miserable. Lol, I've been openly miserable... maybe not acting out on it constantly but its always been there. Sometimes H would see this and ask what was wrong. And I always told him. Each time it seemed to be a surprise to him - "Oh that? Still? Aren't you over that yet?"

H said on his way home from the session - we drove separately - that he thought about driving his car into an overpass support. I told him I have that same thought sometimes. I have even picked which mile marker would be the "best". H said I made his comment of no consequence because I said I'd had the same thought...?

So, in his anger there was no spooning. And about 1:30 AM my dog started barking. H hates my dog. Everyone hates my dogs new barking habit. I figured if I went downstairs and let the dog out and slept on the couch the dog would be quiet. It worked. And this morning, H "What was the reason for you not sleeping in the bed?" I told him it was the dog, and that because H was so angry with me I figured he could use the "space". H, "Well, you chose poorly again."

Sigh. We rode in to work together. Some R/OW talk. H is angry. H doesn't like to be told what to do. H didn't appreciate me pointing out that I do in fact have friends, while he does not. "At least you know you're better than me." "Therapy isn't going to do anything. It may be helping you but its causing me pain." (More irony... insert OW for therapy and I could say the same to him.)

Sigh sigh. Maybe I should just give up. Entirely.

And H is my ride home... hope I don't have to walk... its like 20 miles...

But it is a beautiful day...

~ Jaye

[BrightFuture]

I could not stop laughing at that “vibrating brain” comment for a few min. No wonder the doctor could not help himself to laugh too.

It seems that your H has some kind of fantasy in his head that he wants to live in and doesn’t want to give it up. Are you sure this counseling is doing you any good? Looks like one more reason for him to be angry at you. I almost want to say that the best therapy for your H would be a reversed psychology. Everyone needs to tell him how awesome the OW is that he cannot give her up under any circumstances, because she is going to fix all his problems. But at the same time you need to turn around and walk away from him.

[mizjjd]

I don't know if the counseling is good bad or indifferent.

All I do know is that continuing as we were was not good. And it could have continued indefinitely. H does not want to separate. He wants OW and me as well. I am willing to leave if I have to, but I don't yet want to. But I do want things to change. I view the counseling as a gamble.

A friend on my Fb posted something about The Golden Rule and how we all should follow it. Another friend countered with, "We already do. What you may not realize is how much self-hate there is in the world."

Something to think about... especially for me and my sitch. H does not like himself and I believe his behavior to me is a reflection of how he thinks of himself. Even the accusations of character "flaws" he makes are actually more a description of him. In the car he brought up how he thinks I am boring. I had to ask. "I'm boring? How, exactly?" He says I never want to do anything. This is very not true. And I called H on it. I asked him what it was I was stopping him from? Because all we do is work and tv, unless there's a kid's sporting event. Many times I have asked, and initiated going out. For a drink, for dinner, to listen to a local band etc. H hates it. Does nothing but complain.

This is a small example, but it is significant to me because I now realize how much of H's complaints about me are really complaints about himself.

I'm hoping that H's anger over the counseling is possibly a good thing. Maybe it will prompt him to confront, instead of ignore, his actions.

Time will tell I suppose.

Cheers,

~~ Jaye

[Portia]

Jaye

I am unbelievably proud of you. You are in a situation that you do not like and you are making an effort to change it.

You are right about your H. Somewhere along the line for whatever reason, he did not learn proper people or coping skills. I actually see quite a bit of my father in your H. We love them. But sometimes we don't like them very much. And sometimes we run out of slack to cut them for their abuses.

I am glad you went to counselling. If nothing else the therapist validated that you were not as nuts as you feel. That your H's fantasy of keeping his comfortable world intact - OW and all - is as delusional as it sounds.

Do something different. See what happens.

And keep going to counselling even if your H does not want to attend.

Lots and lots of love!!

[mizjjd]

Jaye

I am unbelievably proud of you. Wow Portia! Thank you for that. It means a lot to me. Thank you again. You are in a situation that you do not like and you are making an effort to change it. Yes, definitely not liking the situation. It has to change, one way or another.

You are right about your H. Somewhere along the line for whatever reason, he did not learn proper people or coping skills. I actually see quite a bit of my father in your H. We love them. But sometimes we don't like them very much. And sometimes we run out of slack to cut them for their abuses. Even understanding the "why" doesn't make the hurt stop. It may make it easier to deal with, but the pain still happens.

I am glad you went to counselling. If nothing else the therapist validated that you were not as nuts as you feel. That your H's fantasy of keeping his comfortable world intact - OW and all - is as delusional as it sounds.
Yes, this was very healing. I have received volumes of great support here, but having someone face to face to connect with does help.
Do something different. See what happens.

And keep going to counselling even if your H does not want to attend.

Lots and lots of love!! I may continue, we'll see what happens. Love to you as well

Had our 2nd session Monday. A much calmer session, questions about the business that failed.

Tuesday on the way to S17A's track meet H says. "I heard from OW today. She texted me her current fears and the fact that her doctor is suggesting valium. I told her to take care of herself and not think about me. Not to think about needing to keep up our friendship, to focus on herself and her husband."

Telling me about his contacts is new. H doesn't feel he can cut ties completely because she is unstable and because he sees her as his only friend. But he tells me over and over that the feelings that were present in the beginning of their R have faded.

I am mulling all this. Not sure what to think, how to respond. I simply said "Thank you for telling me."

I still feel that the "No OW" policy needs to be maintained. But is he making progress? I don't like the idea of keeping her in the wings so to speak. I plan to ask the Dr. on our next visit if he sees this as progress, if my insistence on NO CONTACT with OW should be held.

I can't get past him hanging on to a R he knows threatens his M. It makes me feel un-valued. I feel his "deal" gives me as little as possible and is not much of a "deal" at all.

But you know what? I'm tired. Tired of the whole thing.

And now H has texted me that his mother has taken a turn for the worse...

And back to work I go.

Take care DB world.

~~ Jaye