For me and my situation it is less about fear and more related to the self-worth point (I think).
Anything in particular that you did to regain your confidence and sense of self-worth? As hard as it was for H to be gone, do you think his leaving helped in some ways in regaining your mojo?
Thanks for any insights. Stay Strong!
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Hey 3 you sound great! Glad you had a good coaching session. I couldn't agree more about going back to the BD date. We have all grown so much since then.
I agree with not wanting to visit H new place. That seems like it would really hurt and encourage snooping and create added stress. Glad you survived your first holiday without H.
As LBS spouses we sure seem to go though stages, too. Shock, hurt, anger, loneliness, despair and then forgiveness, acceptance, new found strength and self esteem and dare I say happiness. I wish you the best and hope your H will get this last phase behind him and wake up to see the awesome W and mother you are.
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
3 b you sound good. I think I need a dose of the no contact, but kid boundary. i haven't seen h's place only know where general location is... I think it is better for me that way.
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
"I am really trying to stop fighting this journey and stop trying to control how this all ends. A lot of the fear is starting to fade away as milestones pass and I am still standing and finding happiness again."
When you stop fighting an unwinnable battle, trying to control the things that are out of your control, and letting fear control your future......Then true self growth begins.
Your statement is by FAR the best one I have heard from you since I started reading your posts.... Today you are my inspiration
Thanks everyone!! I love being able to come here for support and words of encouragement.
I really am starting to see that I deserve so much more than my H has to offer. While I love my H, I just dont want to be a part of his drama anymore.
Even though I have told H that I prefer not to talk on the phone, he called twice yesterday. The second time I did not answer. He left a message asking me whether I could feed S5 after baseball practice because he needed to drop S5 off right after practice to head to a charity poker night for work.
I have told my H numerous times that I don't want to know what is going on in his life. I don't want to know about the charity poker night, because that just means that he will be out drinking all night with the OW. It brings back horrible memories from last year. H went to a similar event and simply did not come home. I was up all night wondering whether he was alive or dead. I called local jails to see if I had been arrested and brought in for a DUI. It was horrible. He stumbled in at 8 in the morning and was annoyed that I was upset. His response...what are you mad at, I got home in time for you to go to your appointment. Um...he was still drunk and expected me to leave all three kids with him. It was the beginning of the end. Things had been bad before, but they spiraled out of control from that point forward.
I am not sure if it is trying to be manipulative or that he is just self absorbed. I may never know. But it is giving me a ton of motivation to enforce the boundaries this time around. If it means that he finally walks away, then I truly believe that God has a better plan in store for me.
WOW! 3BM you sound sooo strong, you are my inspiration today too keep it up lady, you are amazing & I'm sure whatever life has in store it will be worth the pain & heartache you've had to endure.
Divorce Final: Oct 2014
Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
Think about your reaction to his mentioning poker night. Where is that coming from? I know what you wrote but really allow yourself to think about that, even tho it's painful.
You're a very different person this year.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Bug ... You always ask the best questions. It hurt to hear his plans because it brought up bad memories. It also hurts to know that he continues to choose OW and his relationship with her. It hurts to know that the OW and his job matter more to him than having a R with me (his W, former BF and the mother of his children). I am disappointed that this the man that I picked to marry. It is also hard because we had started to connect over the past couple months but his actions continued to show that he was moving out the door even more.
I hope I can make this understandable, it's more of a change in your way of thinking and those are sometimes difficult to explain.
If you are OK right now in this moment, you can be OK in the next, you can be OK tomorrow, you can be OK next week, etc. It's there inside you. It's usually our thoughts and interpretation of those thoughts that bring on the not-OK.
Your H is doing those things that cause you distress whether you know about them or not. But you're able to OK when you don't know about it. Your life is good. So it's not what he's doing that causes the distress, it's you knowing about it and the stories in your mind about his activities. You can change how you think.
Your OK-ness doesn't have to be tied to him, shouldn't be tied to him.
The Happiness Trap delves into all this in a much clearer way than I can. You can read the first chapter online free. It's a new, maybe difficult, concept to grasp but it's worth reading. The book (along with other things I do, meditation being one) really helped me understand the power of my mind and how I could let go of my thinking about events to make my life better.
There's a lot of science behind this, even tho my explanation sound a bit dodgy.
Give it a shot.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I really like where labug is taking you. Our society has such a convoluted perception of happiness....We are taught that it is very much tied to outside influences like a pretty flower, warm sun, a tender kiss, intimate moment, or a child's smile. Once you start working on getting in touch with your true inner self (it takes a lot of work to reprogram yourself) things truly change.
Your happiness does not hinge on outside influences....It comes from within. How your world is changes to something different...How you will react to others changes. It is quite substantial and worth the work, but you have to do the work and not just post facebook stickers about it.
Elevate yourself from within and you will be to control how the outside things affect you.
