Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 10 1 2 7 8 9 10
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Originally Posted By: mdu
I still have no idea how I can confirm a relationship at this point. Or maybe I should just go ahead and assume that and act accordingly, given all this behaviors.



Yes, I think that's precisely what you should do.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 768
M
mdu Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 768
Thanks Train! I am so ready to give up :-(

The only thing I could possibly see coming out of the MC session that would maybe be useful and would actually make me continue to hang in there is if H agreed to meet with someone individually to sort through his feelings for (and whatever else he's doing) OW. He's obviously struggling with it and that's the road block. He's lost in his head and I wonder if speaking to an outside professional without me present so he can deal with it all frankly would help him and us come to some resolution around next steps.


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 768
M
mdu Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 768
Thanks for jumping in Starsky! For the record, despite my rambling and ranting posts I did keep my cool around him last night so I *think* I did pretty well (at least in front of him)


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Originally Posted By: mdu
Thanks Train! I am so ready to give up :-(

The only thing I could possibly see coming out of the MC session that would maybe be useful and would actually make me continue to hang in there is if H agreed to meet with someone individually to sort through his feelings for (and whatever else he's doing) OW. He's obviously struggling with it and that's the road block. He's lost in his head and I wonder if speaking to an outside professional without me present so he can deal with it all frankly would help him and us come to some resolution around next steps.


You can do what you want, mdu, but many ICs simply help people justify their waywardness, and there's a reason why they get referred to as "divorce counselors" around here. Your husband's FEELINGS for another woman while he is still married should be a separate issue from the DECISION he needs to make with regards to your boundaries. If it were me, I would say ONCE you decide to end all contact and return to the marriage (including going to MC with me, with someone specifically trained to deal with infidelity), if you decide an IC would help you get to the root of why you made the destructive decisions you did, I think that's great. But right now, I need to protect myself and the only way I can move forward is if you end all contact with OW and become fully transparent with me, and attend the MC sessions.

But that's just me.

Your husband's feelings (which he's shown to be inappropriate and even destructive) should have nothing whatsoever to do with your decision-making, and your boundaries.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Originally Posted By: mdu
Thanks for jumping in Starsky! For the record, despite my rambling and ranting posts I did keep my cool around him last night so I *think* I did pretty well (at least in front of him)


Oh, OK -- i was just going by the frantic tone of your posts last nite. That's good then. smile


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 768
M
mdu Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 768
Quote:
You can do what you want, mdu, but many ICs simply help people justify their waywardness, and there's a reason why they get referred to as "divorce counselors" around here. Your husband's FEELINGS for another woman while he is still married should be a separate issue from the DECISION he needs to make with regards to your boundaries. If it were me, I would say ONCE you decide to end all contact and return to the marriage (including going to MC with me, with someone specifically trained to deal with infidelity), if you decide an IC would help you get to the root of why you made the destructive decisions you did, I think that's great. But right now, I need to protect myself and the only way I can move forward is if you end all contact with OW and become fully transparent with me, and attend the MC sessions.

But that's just me.

Your husband's feelings (which he's shown to be inappropriate and even destructive) should have nothing whatsoever to do with your decision-making, and your boundaries.


Starsky


Thanks Starsky! Very helpful perspective


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
So, Starsky, just so *I* understand:

You're saying, yes, make assumptions and act on them - but only by creating boundaries FOR mdu, yes?


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Originally Posted By: Train
So, Starsky, just so *I* understand:

You're saying, yes, make assumptions and act on them - but only by creating boundaries FOR mdu, yes?



I'm not sure I understand the question, Train. I'm saying that based on the evidence, even if he has an innocent explanation for 50% of it, there's still contact and deceit going on, and that mdu should proceed accordingly rather than continue to try to go to any further lengths to prove anything.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 768
M
mdu Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 768
Good golly I am about to go to the MC appt in 45 minutes and feel like I am going to have a heart attack or vomit or both. I need to get a grip (obviously!). I'm really still uncertain what I should DO in the appt. Use it as an opportunity to declare all my boundaries? Just shut up, sit back and let H speak first and listen to what he has to say? Slip the MC my list of boundaries so we can get on the same page? I hope that clarity comes to me in a very short while here!!


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Who set up the appt? What do you know about this MC? (pro-marriage? pro-DB? Any specific experience dealing with infidelity?)

You should definitely have a short list of goals going in. You may want to let your H talk first (hoping if you give him enough rope, he'll hang himself, lol), but then clearly state what YOUR goals are, and I would keep it SIMPLE:

"Until my husband is willing to end all contact with his affair partner, and be fully honest and transparent with me, I not only can't feel safe in the marriage, but I don't even see the sense in continuing with marriage counseling. It's a waste of our family's finances to do marriage counseling when one of us has unilaterally decided to invite a third person into the marriage."

He can list all of the prior marital complaints he wants, but I would respond "That's an interesting list, and while I'm not going to say right now whether I agree or disagree with all of them, I think you will find that if you end all contact with OW and return to the marriage, and be fully honest and transparent with me, that I am willing to work on all issues -- including my own contributions to our marital dysfunction. But as long as there's a third person in the marriage, I'm afraid this is a waste of time."

And then personally (and this is just me -- I'm a bit of a drama queen grin ) . . . I'd get up and leave, saying "Looks like there's still about _____ minutes left; I'm sure you two still have a lot to talk about."

smirk


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Page 9 of 10 1 2 7 8 9 10

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard