My wife left

[ye21]

Hello Sandi2 do you mind to give an opinion in my thread? I am confuse about the way my W has acted! Thank you and sorry for asking for that here

[Liboicl]

I would not have any books or material about M out where she would see it. I would take all pictures of her down and put away (especially wedding pictures and the two of you together). Start turning you place into a man cave and decorate it the way you want it........not the way she wanted it. Start having your friends over to hang out. Do you have any idea why I suggest you do these things?

It is so I can get a life, correct?

Let her calls go to voice mail and don't respond to texting. Don't email and don't respond to hers. No Facebook or other social medial with her.

I will do this from now on. Should I still check the voicemail and get back to her if it's important?

No more rescuing her like you did with when you did her talking for her with your folks, while she was whispering in your ear what to say! She's a big girl and it is time she grew up. When she left you, she withdrew herself from your protection and support, among other advantages in M. So don't give it outside of it. If she is going to be your W, then she needs to act like it, and if not....then she doesn't get to cake eat. Do you know what that means?

Yeah, it's like the old saying, "You can't have your cake and eat it too."

Have you read the 37 rules? The idea was to give a list of tips to help newcomers get started.

Yes. They were some of the first things I read on this site. That was before I even read the DB book. I reread them to refresh my memory.

You might want to check out a book called tough love by dr, James Dobson.

I will look for that. I simply cannot express my appreciation to you for taking the time to help a hopeless soul such as myself.

Unbelievable.

What I see here is a lot of WAW cake-eating and tons of disrespect toward you.

Stop doing things for her!
She has no respect for you right now. And the more you cater to her, the more respect she loses. She's got two guys at her every whim. This will not stop until you detach.

Get an atty and a separation agreement in place.

Thank you for the response. I am changing my behavior regarding this matter and following the course suggested by sandi2.

You are confusing what you should have done previously in the MR with what you need to do now. You are in a different place now. It won't draw her back by catering to her. She will find it unattractive now b/c she is involved with OM......and that changes everything!

If she was a woman you didn't want around, would you answer when she called? No contact will help you get stronger and more detached.

Alright. I think I understand a little better now. Thank you.

[Liboicl]

Now to update on the visit from my wife. I ended up getting sick Sunday night at work. She was supposed to be over here shortly after I got home from work, but has been late almost every time she has said she would come over. I went to bed as soon as I got home. She showed up about 3 hours later. I was feeling just a slight bit better and knew I had to get the taxes done, so I endured.
She usually hugs me when she enters the house, so I quickly backed up as she entered, which prevented this from happening. I didn't do it harshly, but naturally.

After a little bit of her asking me questions about stuff she had seen me post on Facebook (I think this is a good sign, right? She has been watching.), I started working on the taxes. I went through with us married filling jointly and separately. We owed money and separately it would have been almost 7 times as much, so we agreed to file jointly and each pay half. She told me that she didn't have the money to pay me her part, but would pay me back. She said, "You can trust me to do that, right?" I looked at her without a word, I don't believe I had an expression of any kind on my face. She said, "Really?" I agreed to pay the full amount. It would be cheaper for me even if she didn't pay me back. On a side note, our cat bit her while I was working on the taxes. As bad as it may sound, I found that quite funny. She did send a few quick texts to some while she was here, but I didn't notice who it was and it didn't happen many times.
Afterward, she started packing more of her stuff up. She was being very flirtatious and also made several awkward comments. I'll start with some of the comments.

She was leaning over picking some stuff up and apologized, saying her butt was probably hanging out. I was across the room in front of her and said, "It's fine." She replied, "Of course it is.", with a smile. I responded, "You know that's not what I meant."
The next one requires a bit of context. I am not a fan of Country Music. In fact, I try to avoid listening to it whenever possible. We were walking out to her car, carrying out some boxes of stuff. She said, "Guess what I've been doing?". I calmly replied, "What?" She said, "Listening to Country Music." I said, "You always listened to Country Music." She replied, "Yeah, but never around you." Somewhat confused by that, I replied, "You still don't listen to it around me." At that time we were at the car and started putting the stuff in.
At one point, while joking with me, she said I'd flip you off, but I respect you too much. I've mentioned it before, but we were both avid Christians and I have never seen her flip anyone off before. It was a surprising remark. I simply replied, "Well, thank you. I'm glad you respect me that much."
She had also told me that I should try apple pie moonshine. I asked her if she had started drinking and she said no; she had just had it before.
We were talking about some trivial things. She was jokingly acting mad at me, while smiling. She said, "Screw you! Oh wait, I already have!" I had nothing to respond to that.

While packing she took her wedding dress and some bedroom outfits of hers, if you know what I mean. She said she was going to sell them. I told her I didn't think anyone would buy them. She also mentioned wanting to take her Anniversary and Christmas gifts that I had gotten for her. As always, I told her they were hers. She also wanted to take some of the decorations I had up. I told her I had them up for Easter. I asked if she could wait until after Easter to take them. She said, "I wasn't planning on coming back." A little shocked, I asked, "Are you moving?" She blankly replied, "No." Even after that big revelation she left some of the stuff she planned to take.
She usually hugs me when she leaves, as well, so I walked down the hallway and said goodbye as she was going out the door. I walked over to the door to lock it and she said she probably wouldn't be back for a couple of weeks. I said, "Alright." and closed the door.

To sum it all up, did I act more appropriately? Also, should I be responding to her flirts? Currently, I'm not straight up rejecting them, but more or less just being apathetic. How about the affection she offers? Was it right to prevent the conditions in which she normally hugs me? If she had came toward me anyway, I would have hugged her, but I didn't want her to feel I was trying to pressure her into giving me one. Thanks in advanced for taking the time to read this and all of your responses.

[sandi2]

She said, "You can trust me to do that, right?" I looked at her without a word, I don't believe I had an expression of any kind on my face. She said, "Really?" I agreed to pay the full amount. It

Excellent! I just wished you had not paid her part, but the look without saying anything is exactly what you need to do when she says something like that.

She was leaning over picking some stuff up and apologized, saying her butt was probably hanging out. I was across the room in front of her and said, "It's fine." She replied, "Of course it is.", with a smile. I responded, "You know that's not what I meant."

Can't hear your tone or expression, of course. Wished you would have thought in time to respond with, "I really hadn't noticed". .

Overall, you did a great improvement from last time. My suggestion in how to respond when she is saying inappropriate things or being so immature is to say nothing. Give it no attention.

[sandi2]

How are you doing?

[Liboicl]

Excellent! I just wished you had not paid her part, but the look without saying anything is exactly what you need to do when she says something like that.

We filed together, so if I hadn't paid her part I would have gotten in trouble. It would have cost me several times more than the sum of both of our parts to file on my own.

How are you doing?

I'm trying to remain positive, but I'm really anxious. She text me the other day saying she got her medical bill and that it'll be awhile before she can pay me back her part of the taxes. I didn't reply. She called me 12 times yesterday. Every time I let it go to voicemail. She didn't leave a message any of the times (It may have been full; I have since cleaned it out.). It hurt so much to ignore the calls. I kept wondering what she could have wanted. I kept myself in control by realizing that it doesn't matter what I think, but rather what works. I also reminded myself of the DB philosophy "If it doesn't work, try something else." In light of that, answering her calls and texts doesn't seem to be helping, so it's only logical to ignore them. One thing that I do have a hard time understanding, is at what point should I allow contact? I mean if I ignore her forever how would I know if she changes her mind?

On another note, I find myself thinking that I need to act like the guy she left me for, if I want her back. I mean, he got her that way. I realize that is counterproductive and I haven't been doing it, but it keeps popping up in my mind. Is there any truth to this thought or do I need to just mentally punch myself in the face?

I continually find myself wanting to compliment her, tell her how beautiful she is, and how much I love her. I resist it, but I feel like it's tearing me apart. Are compliments completely out of the question? I haven't be using them, but I wonder if a friendly compliment would be harmful.

[sandi2]

You are doing so much better! You even sound more mature.

Okay, I understand about paying the taxes.

I'm trying to remain positive, but I'm really anxious.

That is very understandable.

I also reminded myself of the DB philosophy "If it doesn't work, try something else."

Correct. And remember, you have to give it time. In this case, you see how much she is pursuing with the TM and calls when you aren't responding.

One thing that I do have a hard time understanding, is at what point should I allow contact? I mean if I ignore her forever how would I know if she changes her mind?

Oh, don't worry, you'll know when she changes her mind! Let me remind you, if I've said this before, that she should have to work to get you back. Many H's are so eager to get the WAW back home that she doesn't even need to "try". That is a big mistake. What happens is it's not long before she begins to have doubts in staying.....and here she goes again. So, don't make it too easy for her to waltz back in the door.

I maintain that when a woman is involved in an A, she has to go through a process. I have strong doubts about a woman saying she is in love with one man on one day, only to move in with another man the next day. I don't think you fall in and out of love that quickly. If she is with this other guy, she needs to have him completely out of her system before she goes back home to you. I know you are anxious for her return, but if you take her back while she still has OM in her head, you will be experiencing this all over again.

I can make a couple of suggestions, if you feel you are handling the TM's rather well. But if it makes you go crazy and start the back & forth contacting....then you need to put an immediate halt to it. First, learn to answer to only those that have a question that needs an answer. And, only necessary ones. In other words, if she's being silly, or if it is something you think she is just using to get you to respond to her.....don't answer it. It is only to be what you consider very important questions. Secondly, try not to use more than two or three words in a respond. It may be challenging, but I bet you can do it.

The main thing to remember is that you should not initiate the contacts. She has to end things with OM, first, then you can evaluate things (her attitude toward you, etc.)and see if you can increase or need to decrease contacts. But as long as she is in an A, I wouldn't do it.

On another note, I find myself thinking that I need to act like the guy she left me for, if I want her back. I mean, he got her that way. I realize that is counterproductive and I haven't been doing it, but it keeps popping up in my mind. Is there any truth to this thought or do I need to just mentally punch myself in the face?

Nooooo, don't try to be a copy of the other guy! You may be thinking of what he is doing or saying that "you" should have been doing, but do not try to be like him. There is one guy you should try to be like......the guy you were when she fell in love with you.

Use this time apart to focus on what you need to do to improve yourself.

I continually find myself wanting to compliment her, tell her how beautiful she is, and how much I love her. I resist it, but I feel like it's tearing me apart. Are compliments completely out of the question? I haven't be using them, but I wonder if a friendly compliment would be harmful.

When would you use them? This woman left you for another man! I guess I fail to see the logic in why you have such a strong urge to flatter her. That's not to say that time won't come, but it just doesn't seem appropriate now.

It is very much the nature of a male to pursue the female. He will use almost any technique to get her. Once he gets her, the chase is over and he fails to continue many things that actually won her over. So, a lot of those strong urges you feel right now is your male instinct to pursue. But pursuit does not work on a WAW who is in an A with another man. If you compliment her while she is doing another guy.....she will think you are pathetic. I have seen this happen many times, and it doesn't work in favor of the LBH. You need to wait till later.

[Liboicl]

You are doing so much better! You even sound more mature.

Thank you. You have been a great help with that.

I went to Walmart yesterday to buy something and my wife was working (She works at the Subway in Walmart if you recall.). I didn't even so much as glance at the Subway, but she called to me. She said she needed to talk to me. I told her I had to go to the bathroom. She said go ahead, but wanted me to come back over afterward. When I got back she was busy and asked if I was in a hurry or if I could wait a bit. I told her I had some shopping to do and I'd drop back afterward. It turns out that they didn't even carry Guitar Strings, which is what I was after. Playing guitar is one of my new activities.

I go back by Subway and she clocks out and says let's go outside. I followed. She sat down at a picnic table outside and I sat across from her. She asked me if I'd heard about an acquittance of ours who was missing. I hadn't. It was just small talk. She pressed me as to why I didn't answer her calls or text. I told her I've been busy; that I'm living my life. She asked, "What if it would have been an emergency." I replied, "We aren't together; I shouldn't be your number one contact anymore." She said, "You're not, my roommate is, but what if I couldn't get a hold of anyone but you." I had her tell me what it was about. She had wanted to meet me that day to discuss the lease agreement. She told me that she wants it signed and wants the divorce papers filled out right after. She mentioned how she has already been moved out for almost 2 months.
She had previously asked me how much my niece and nephew knew about the situation. I told her I hadn't told them anything. Well, my nephew is too young to really know what is going on, but I talked with my niece since my wife had questioned it. I told my wife that my niece knew that Krystal was gone and that we were no longer together, but that was about it. I mentioned that she didn't even know that Krystal was with another guy. My wife retorted, "How do you know if we're even still together?" That confused me, so I simply replied, "Are you?" She said, "I don't know. It's complicated." I asked her if she wanted to talk about it. She mumbled on about jealous people and how that it's the same with her working 1st shift and him on 3rds.
My wife was also mentioning the stuff that I was doing better now, such as being social, taking Aikido, etc. She said it was sad that it took this for me to change. I just listened, nodding occasionally where I agreed. I voiced that I can't do anything about the past; all I can do is change now. She said, what seemed to be rhetorically, "Do you think you'd be doing this stuff if we were together?" I said, "Yes. Of course, while making appropriate time for other things." She seemed to brush off that answer.
Toward the end of the conversation she started getting angry at me. It just seemed to come out of nowhere. She was mentioning the calls again and how I am being a jerk. I asked her how so? I do everything I can to be nice. She started off about how that I didn't let her have the bed, dresser, and several other furniture items. She said she had wanted the bed because I never slept on it anyway. (She says that because I would often fall asleep eating when I got home from a full day of work/college) I told her that I use it now. She didn't seem to like that and replied scornfully, "Yeah. Now."
She also accused me of spreading lies about her. Some people have asked me what has been going on, so I told them that she left me for another man. She says that I'm going around telling everybody that she was sleeping around. I said, "You know me. When have I ever lied? Regardless, what would I have to gain from lying?" She said, "You're not who I knew anymore."
The whole situation was pretty much like those highlighted moments. We talked for a total of ~30 minutes I would say.
I've noticed that she continually, not just this time, brings up a few things in our conversations. One of them is about how if my family tries anything she is going to call the cops on them and she proceeds to say she should have punched such and such or she will punch so and so. I usually just tell her that they aren't going to do anything that would warrant such behavior, but it's useless. She keeps on, so I just ignore it. Another notable one is about how that she didn't leave me, but rather I kicked her out.

[sandi2]

Seems like you handled it well.

I've noticed that she continually, not just this time, brings up a few things in our conversations. One of them is about how if my family tries anything she is going to call the cops on them and she proceeds to say she should have punched such and such or she will punch so and so. I usually just tell her that they aren't going to do anything that would warrant such behavior, but it's useless. She keeps on, so I just ignore it.

Is it common for her to threaten physical violence?

[Liboicl]

Seems like you handled it well.

I hope I continue to do so. Thank you for the guidance thus far.

Is it common for her to threaten physical violence?

She has always been quick to anger, but never with such frequent threats. It would happen occasionally in the past, but since this has been going on, it's definitely a common occurrence.

One of my friends messaged me on Facebook asking what I thought about my wife's status. I replied that I didn't read it. My friend felt the need to fill me in a bit. I received a summary (I didn't ask for it) from my friend, but I refused to look at the status. It seems that my wife mentioned that "He is trying to fix it." My friend was confused and was wondering if we were still trying to be friends or what. I replied, "I didn't read the post. To be honest, I'm moving on with my life with or without her. I'd prefer it to be with her, but that's not my decision, so be it." My friend mentioned that my wife seemed like she was actually concerned that she was the reason I was "acting like a jerk". My wife said that we both made mistakes and that we both seem to be doing better now and that maybe going our separate ways was a good thing. I responded, "She wasn't the cause of anything I done. I take responsibility for my actions. That doesn't make hers anymore correct, though." My friend proceeded explaining that she didn't know what to say to my wife and didn't want to lose either of us as friends. She also didn't want my wife to think she approved of her actions. This friend was a close friend to both my wife and me in the past.