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Joined: Mar 2014
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so the papers turned out to be related to a pension policy cancelled 5 years ago and a junkmail flyer.
Not clear to me what or why it is important for my WAW to drip feed like this.

a) Is she looking to cause a reaction in me in order that she can say that I am being unreasonable ?

b) Propably she does not realise the effect it has on me as a LBS and that I am now probably hyper-sensitive to any little thing when I should just ignore it.

c) More likely reason: That I have still not processed the situation and I am reacting to any little thing that reminds me that I am being railroaded into a divorce.

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So how do you tell if you are making progress in DB?

My WAW seems to find a reason each day to email me organisational messages regarding the children. And today sms's me that she might allow me the use of the family car next week for when I have the children.

Confused : On the one hand it is hell bent for leather to the divorce and on the other it is micro managing the time and activities of the children and my interaction with them.

I really have no idea about anything at the moment.

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Despite what she is doing, what are YOU doing proactively in your situation?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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What I am doing proactively? : Difficult question as I feel I have hit a dead end.

so far over the last year:
GAL:
1. Found an apartment within a month of being forced to leave
2. Started a new hobby - climbing/bouldering ( I have vertigo!)
3. being available for the kids when ever asked. (QT)
4. shared the new hobby with the kids ( WAW says kids really enjoy it)
5. Started going on day trips with people not from work ( meetups) in order to broaden my social circle
6. Tried to reduced communication with WAW in order to support the kids.
7. kept the finances the same so that the kids have a roof over their heads and all bills paid for.
8. Tried to establish bouandaries as to her control of my life. ( seems always to make things worse)

Things I am probably still doing wrong:
1. letting my WAW dictate when and how many of the children I am allowed to have at one time . ( 3 kids)
2. Still beliving every wordshes says about me especially the negative
3. Not having a clue what is proactive as from reading DB and DR what I think is procative is precisily what I should not do.(i.e. Begging etc. )

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Rather than listing your marital issues like a grocery list, how about explaining in detail what your marriage problems actually were? Why did she say she left the M?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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expatNL Offline OP
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This is a very confused answer below.
I know I am responsible for difficulties in the marriage but after a year seperated it is difficult to verbalise them with out it coming across as my blaming her. I belive that it is all my fault for not knowing how to help her to feel happy.

what my marriage problems were?

That is the crux of the matter as it is not really that clear to me. I have been trying to understand what went wrong. That I was too submissive, that I was no longer acting as a partner but just a piece of the furniture. That I was cluttering the house up by being there.

Problems in the marriage: Complaints that I always wanted to have activities as a family with her. Feelings I had was that my opinion was not valued and that she is always right no matter what. The feeling that both of us thought the other was too controlling and we were under the other's thumb. ( i.e. everthing I was unhappy about we both seem to have felt but with the roles reversed)

When I have tried to understand what went wrong and ask the answers are confused. To summarise it all would be to say she was unhappy with her life with me.

Comments I am trying to extrapolate sense from ( I am falling back on my engineering background with using lists I know)
-----------------------------------------------------------
-Very first thing she said at moment of kicking me out She said she wanted me to leave to make me happy and more self confident.
- then given a grocery list by WAW of things to change:
- be happy
- spend more QT with the kids
WAW acknowleged the changes but then says she wanted
divorce all along and was/is just waiting for me to accept it

-after eight months seperation she was feeling stifled and that I was holding her back.

- after six months seperation started saying that problems started five years ago : ( about the time I finished a Masters and had been slowly building up my self confidence) i.e. I had started to think that I should be allowed to express an opinion and dialogue.

- that we argued. ( had differences of opinion)

- that I am to blame for everything she felt was wrong with her life

- Now says her life is blossoming and she has never been so happy.

Then the most hurtful comment that she only married me to fix me.

Against that maybe I should just give up (but I owe it to myself ,my children and my wife to try and honour the promise I made to her when we married) .
I really do not know anymore what to offer/change anymore. Backing down constantly has not helped. Drawing lines in the sand has not helped. I really have run out of ideas of what to do given that we live in seperate dwellings.

Again today told by personal therapist that I should just let go and get on with my life and give up trying to change myself to please her.

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