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Hi Praying...
I'm new here but have been dealing with a live home MLC wife for the last 10 months (since B-day, much longer than that since MLC started...years!). I gave her as much space as possible, changed all the things about myself she SAID bothered her and things were going well. Than last Dec. she uninvited me to her company X-Mass parties (both of them) and wore a dress I bought her 23 years ago, since, now that she weighs less than she did when we married 20 years ago, she can now wear and be "sexy" in. She came home from the party telling me about all the men she danced with and how "crazy" she acted. A few days later she BRAGGED that all the people that she works with thought she must have been drunk because of the way she was acting, especially around the men! For my part I stayed calm around her but I made the mistake of venting on a web site and although I didn't know it, she had read it. (And she is so worried about ME snooping around HER stuff!)

That was in Dec. and I have given her nothing but space but she has been acting worse and worse since. Took ring off, stays out all night with her new friends, neglects her kids, won't touch me, etc. I couldn't understand why as I was DB'ing things were getting worse, not better. Than last week she wanted to "talk" and she told me about reading that and it made her decide all over again, that I was the problem. Even worse, she added things to it that I didn't even write. Now, she is back saying the same stupid stuff she did at the start of all this that I had thought we had gotten past! Just remember, no matter what WE DO, they will justify their own bad behavior by blaming US for making them do these things.

I have had her tell me things like your H tells you about how it's not really your fault, she's just unhappy and needs to "find her joy" and then say it was all MY fault because of what I did; sometimes going back to things that happened 20 years ago!His jokes about "wing-man" and saying how "cute" you are are mean and demeaning TO you. My W is one of those people that hates confrontation with others and will put up with horrible people and not say one thing but seems to ENJOY saying hurtful things to me! I think they do this because we are in their way. If we would just AGREE that our marriages were "bad" and understand that WE are the ones remembering everything "wrong" then DARN IT, they wouldn't have to feel all this icky GUILT!

Telling you that you need to "date" other men is such a load of crap...don't believe for one min. that he really means this! If you were to do that all it would do is alleviate HIS guilt. Our MLC spouses KNOW that WE have values. WE value our marriages, our families, OURSELVES, all things they USED to value and know they still should (at least deep down inside)and will use these values against us to get what they think they want. He KNOWS you wouldn't just go out and date others but by telling you to he can feel better when he does this himself. My W uses the fact that I value my kids so much by using me to take care of their needs so she can go do all the things she wants...knowing that I will never allow them to suffer. This way she can know that she can do what she thinks will make her 'happy" and I'll be there to take care of them.

She keeps planning on leaving (now it's as soon as school is over in a few weeks)and while at first she was sure the kids would choose to live with her, now knows they both will stay with me if given a choice..and it no longer bothers her. She even has the audacity to tell me that IF we were to ever get back together, it would have to be slow and we would need to take our time, again, telling me how she thinks it's all MY fault or that I'm the bad guy.

When my W says things like I may find I'll be "happier" when she's gone all I can think is when did she start thinking she is responsible for my happiness or lack there of? When did being "happy" become more important than doing what is right?

Stop ever thinking like you did the other day that YOU or YOUR actions are what caused this. Believe me I've been there, done that, but it takes two people to make a marriage work or not. Since like you, my spouse is still at home I will say that I have mixed feelings about her either staying or going. In many ways I think the fact that she "feels" trapped because she is still living (no sleeping together, she sleeps and lives on the couch in the living room)together. You are doing well not responding badly to his snide, mean remarks about dating and being "friends". Why in the world would we want to be "friends" with someone who could do and say such hurtful things? My wife and I had been best friends for 24 years before all this happened. She has this sit-com idea in her head about how we all (even an OP if there is one in the picture)will someday all be such great friends and co-parents, vacationing together, doing holidays, sharing fun stories...completely disregarding the fact that she is ripping apart her family, breaking her vows, destroying everything we worked for for years, our plans for the future, all in some vain attempt to find "Joy" when all they need to do is be the spouse they should have been all along and the happiness would come! This is what your H is doing. Does he really believe anyone would choose to be friends with someone who could say and do the hurtful things he has?

I think you need to stop being intimate with him but that is up to you. Sounds like big time cake eating to me. If you aren't "good enough" for him to stay married to than he shouldn't be getting his intimate "fix" from you. Remember, men see sex differently than women. It validates men. Helps them feel good about themselves and "wanted". You really don't want him thinking that you "want" him the awful way he's been acting!

About the FB thing. I'm dreading the day that my W does this. I know it's coming! I think the only thing stopping her is the fact that our daughter would see it and she still thinks the kids are clueless as to how bad things are. I know that must have hurt and I'm so sorry he did that. Stay strong! Sorry about the long post but I've gone all the way back to your first post and I so want things to get better for you. You sound like a really great person and you deserve better. Keep working on YOU and your good will come!

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Matt, I so appreciate your going back to read everything! I am amazed you made it through it all.

I am trying to see through his smoke and mirrors. Unfortunately, I am still so enamored with him that I am an easy target! The dating thing is ridiculous. I know he is trying to get me to make the move so he can cheer me on and ease his guilt. I see so many times when he is making himself feel better at my expense. Then he turns around and says he doesn't like hurting me. Today he blamed me for being hurt. He said that if I would just let go then I wouldn't hurt anymore. He is partially correct but he is also letting himself off the hook for his words and his actions.

I do still value my marriage. I still love him deeply and I still want our family together. Through all of this, I still want him to come out of this ready to be with me. Honestly, I have huge doubts this will happen. He told me he knows he is making selfish decisions and he knows he is making the wrong choices but he is going to keep doing that because he is tired of being selfless. He wants to put himself first for a change and he doesn't care about the consequences.

He told me he knows that his going into the Navy will affect the kids but there is something going on in his head. He said it's like an itch he can't scratch and he needs to try and fix it. He said he has spent the last 14 years doing for me and doing for the kids. He refuses to spend anymore time doing for everyone else and putting himself on the back burner. He said he has no idea what he will do if the Navy rejects him but he will not be happy and something will have to happen.

He told me he wants to find someone to be in love with, someone to be drawn to, someone he is interested in spending time with and being intimate with. Knife. To. Heart. Thanks man. We had that once and we could have it again if you weren't in selfish la-la land.

He said the reason he talks to his friend so much is because she gives him fun, entertaining conversation without any judgement. She likes him for him. There isn't any animosity or relationship talk. They just talk about random things and have a fun conversation. He went to her birthday party today at a restaurant. Stayed there for 4 hours. He was tagged in a pic of the group on FB. They are sitting next to each other. It made me sick. He says it is platonic but only because she has a boyfriend. If she didn't he would ask her out to see what she says. Whatever. He said she is full-filling something that we haven't had in a long time. **Yes, I took careful note of this part of the conversation**

He has also told me that his interpretation of our separation is that we are allowed to do anything that we would be able to do if divorced. We are only married on paper but emotionally and mentally we are 'divorced'.

I do agree he is cake eating right now. He is living with me because his bills are paid and I am close to school. I have the good internet and I have the whole upstairs for his use. He has his office/workout room, his bedroom, and his own bathroom. He is getting a new cell phone & plan from his brother. He said we need to start separating things. I asked when he would be getting his own health, dental, and car insurance. He got rather mad at that since he needs health insurance for school and he has no job to pay for his own. Well, bud, you wanted to separate things....but only the things that are convinient for you.

I had a bad night last night. I was a mess. Crying histerically in the bathroom, hating him, hating life, hating myself...it was pretty bad. Then I couldn't keep my mouth shut today about his luncheon with her and his picture with her. I pretty much stepped right into it for the last 24 hours.

I have been the worst db'er in the world lately and it has truly pushed him away. Time to pick myself up, dust myself off, and try it all again.


Me: 33 / H: 36
M: 10y / T: 14y
3 kids
BD: 2/22/14
Live in separation 3/8/14
H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14
H moved out 4/25/14
2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
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But you must always know how long to stay....and when to go
Ain't no talkin' to this man
He's been trying to tell me so
It took a while to understand
The beauty of just letting go
It would take an acrobat
And I already tried all that
I'm gonna let him fly
I'm gonna let him fly

-Dixie Chicks "Let Him Fly"

Just a piece...but a piece that feels close to me.


Me: 33 / H: 36
M: 10y / T: 14y
3 kids
BD: 2/22/14
Live in separation 3/8/14
H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14
H moved out 4/25/14
2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
Joined: Dec 2013
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Praying,

My h did not pay for much during our m. When he said we were just roommates and that being with me was "drowning him" and if he stayed "he would be dead by 50", I suggested we split the bills. He said that was absurd. There are consequences to our actions.



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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Yep! To add too that...his new number was a long distance # since his brother lives in another state. I asked him if he was planning on paying the long distance bill when we had to call him. He said "Oh, I didn't think about that. Well, just call from your cell phone then it isn't charged." I asked about the kids calling him when my phone wasn't available. He said he just wouldn't answer?!?!?! WTH?? I told him he needed to find out about getting a local # assigned to the phone since 95% of the calls he receives are from here. He said "Oh, no, when we call K from here it isn't long distance!" I had to remind him that his brother (K) has a local # as his cell #. Another "Oh, yea." So, they are looking into getting either his current # ported over or at least getting a local # assigned.

Gee, he isn't thinking things through very well now, is he?


Me: 33 / H: 36
M: 10y / T: 14y
3 kids
BD: 2/22/14
Live in separation 3/8/14
H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14
H moved out 4/25/14
2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,922
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Praying,

Everything is done with sheer emotion as no thought processes are out into planning.



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 386
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I can't wait for him to get his new phone because the temptation to snoop into our phone records is too much for me to bear and I broke down again tonight. His "friend" and him text for 3 hours Sunday, 3 hours Monday (my birthday), just a bit on Tuesday (after spending 10 hours in clincial together), spent Wednesday morning in class together, went out for her birthday Wed afternoon for 4 hours, then text for another 4 hours Wed night. They have either text or seen each other or both every day since last Thursday.

Please tell me in what world a platonic friendship between a married 36 year old man and a 21 year old girl in a 'relationsip' contains 3-4 hours of texting daily?

Would you agree that this is very clearly an emotional affair?

There is no chance he will turn around to me while this is going on. She is the easy going, no pain, no past, no hard conversations person in his life....while I am the too much history, too many words, cause of all his unhappiness person in his life.


Me: 33 / H: 36
M: 10y / T: 14y
3 kids
BD: 2/22/14
Live in separation 3/8/14
H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14
H moved out 4/25/14
2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
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Have you ever watched the younger generation w/their phones and texting? The equipment is attached to their ears and their fingers. She is 21 and that generation is all about texting. You can't be sure that she is the only one that he is texting. He may have a number of new friends that he's in communication with.

Yes, the crisis is all about emotions and right now, he's gone back in time to that "younger" age to find what he thinks he missed out on.

Whether it is an emotional or physical affair, they both have to die a slow death and at their hands. Right now, she's stroking his ego and showing him a good time and there is no history w/them, i.e., only the present. You represent responsibility, accountability and "history". You know him like a book and can spot when he's not himself. But, some time in the future, he may turn back to you for that safe place to land. Time will tell on that and when it will happen.

The one thing that you must remind yourself each and every time you compare yourself to the girl is that you are the prize. She will never be able to replace you because you have the wisdom and strength that has held your family together. She doesn't have that w/him, i.e., it's just play time. Again, as a repeated reminder, this is all about him...not about you and you need to remember this.

Keep the focus on you and your family. Life is far too short not to live each day to the fullest.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Praying, Matt, I think you both need to establish FIRM boundaries. Right now, things are very easy for your spouses. You need to set the tone for things, do not allow your want of your marriage to succeed be a roadway into the cake-eating behavior. Part of the dynamic of the MLCer is the ability to hold on to both worlds. Cut the rope on the safe world a bit and show them a piece of how life will really be without you and your support. MLCers count on you wanting to stay married, that's why these little carrots are dropped now and again. Establish firm boundaries, and protect yourself financially at all costs!

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Hang in there praying!
I am willing to bet that 99% of your conversations with H have nothing to do with R. Most are just "fun", how was your day, small talk and he probably talks more than you. I'll bet you validate him just as much or more than 21 year old does! It is the way he is using His mind that makes him feel "bad" when he talks to you and good when talking to her. I will bet you are a better partner to him now then you have been in years but it is he who refuses to see this. If he let himself see this than he would need to change his behavior and that can't be allowed to happen!

I have been a husband for 20 years and a dad for 18. For most of that time I worked while my wife had the option to either work or be a stay at home mom. I put her and my kids needs ahead of my own for all that time because that is the right thing to do! I'm not angry or upset about it. I'm not going to blame my wife and suddenly become selfish and act like a teenager! That is his CHOICE, nothing more and even if it was true he has been doing EVERYTHING for others for years, it doesn't make it right for him to throw away his marriage and hurt the people who love him most (a count on him).

I too had a bad night. Having money problems caused mainly by wife (she won't admit this) and the stress of that, my marriage, my kids, my job is weighing heavy. Hang in there. We'll both get through this. Hopefully our S's will come around in time. All we can do is try to keep DBing and pray our brains out!

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