Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 9 10
artsy #2446233 04/17/14 01:33 AM
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
K
KGirl Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
That's what I think, too.. but he makes me doubt myself. I think that a secret friendship with someone of the opposite sex where you imagine what it would be like to date them/be a stepfather to their kids = innapropriate, crossing a line, untrustworthy. But he keeps saying that it's just feelings, no actions, he can't help how he feels, he's allowed to have friends outside of me and not have to tell me everything, etc. and then I start to wonder "maybe I am being too restrictive? Am I overreacting?" Oddly this happens to me at work too... I'm very sure of a fact, then a student tells me "but I've heard that I can do X and Y and it will work.." and then somehow I start talking myself out of what I know to be true.


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
KGirl #2446234 04/17/14 01:35 AM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 456
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 456
A secret friendship of any kind is shifty, at best.


Me: 39
H: 45
Second marriage for both
H left 12/2013
M:4 T:5.5
artsy #2446238 04/17/14 01:38 AM
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
K
KGirl Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
thank you, artsy, for confirming that I haven't totally lost it here smile Granted there are things I could relax on or work more on, but some things are just crossing a line.


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
KGirl #2446246 04/17/14 02:04 AM
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
K
KGirl Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
OK, on a more action-oriented note...
Does anyone have advice on how to handle/tips for when H and I need to go through and divide up our stuff? Anyone been through this process with their S? It seems like usually the S who wants out just leaves and takes minimal stuff or the stuff that is clearly theirs. Just thinking about going room by room and dividing up sets of things or who gets certain things that are sentimental to both of us is upsetting. The main thoughts that run through my mind are "I don't even WANT this separation, and you never gave a cr*p about stuff before like Kitchenaid mixers or Fiestaware or ceramic birds, so h*ll if I'm letting you have that stuff.. I'm gonna take everything that I want!" and I know that is definitely not the way I should be approaching this.


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
KGirl #2446294 04/17/14 04:56 AM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 284
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 284
Separating stuff wasn't too hard for us. We have two living areas. I told my H he could take the older set of furniture. The newer set was purchased specifically for our house when we bought it and I had decorated the entire main living area around it. I also told him he could take the bed from the guest room for D7. Other than that, he mostly took the stuff that was clearly his. He asked me if there was anything in kitchen that he could have. I had been looking at new dinnerware anyway, so I let him take that and just kind of divided some of the other stuff up. There were a couple of things he indicated that he wanted to take, but as soon as I pushed back a little, he backed off. I was only going to make a big deal out of it if he tried to take something that was important to me.

WRT your H justifying his feelings for OW, I'm with Artsy. I'd be suspicious of secret friendships with individuals of the opposite sex. If it isn't a big deal, why does it need to be a secret?

hope456 #2446295 04/17/14 05:01 AM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 284
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 284
KGirl - I apologize in advance for the hijack that follows below. I figured you wouldn't mind since you referred to labug in your post on my thread. smile

Labug - If you have a chance, I'd love for you to take a look at my thread. I'm realizing that I need to work on my control issues. KGirl has recommended a couple of books for me to read, but mentioned that you might have others. I've followed your posts on this thread and others and would value your input.

hope456 #2446672 04/18/14 01:03 PM
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
K
KGirl Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
I guess the topic of conversation this week in IC will be what, if anything, I should do with the information H has given me. In theory he has given me more things he is/was unhappy with that I could 180. But I don't know that I want to. Trusting him more: could I have done better at this in the past? Yes. Should I now? Leaning towards no. He has hurt me deeply and given me no reasons to trust him in the past 4 months. I have not questioned or asked anything about where he goes, who he is with, etc. What else can I do? The OW and him saying I should let it go and not dwell on the past: this was within the 6 months, not some distant past, and again, he has done nothing to show he is sorry, it's a done thing, etc. In fact, he is the opposite: justifies it, doesn't acknowledge it was inappropriate, etc. How can I forgive and forget when to me there has been no resolution on the issue? People say on here better to be happy than right...I don't know if my hesitation in all this is wanting to be "right" or just knowing where my boundaries and values lie re: what I want and need in a partner. I feel stuck. It feels like we both want the other person to change first so we will always feel stuck. I don't want to trust him or forgive until he comes back truly apologetic and willing to listen to my needs and acknowledge them. He won't come back if I don't trust him and let this stuff go. What to do?


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
KGirl #2446679 04/18/14 01:40 PM
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 263
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 263
Quick drop in
I saw on one site where the advice was the BS gets everything that starts with a consonant....
children house money car furniture.

the WS gets things that start with a vowel
umbrella, amoirier,
I liked the thought!


M 10 T 14

BD 10/13
I really don't get it..
loualea #2446954 04/19/14 08:45 PM
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
K
KGirl Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
Hehe... thanks, loualea. That sure would be a nice way to do it! I'm not liking the thought of having to spend money replacing things I already have 'cause I have to leave them with H (toasters, blenders, vaccuums... stuff like that).

There's a law firm in town that hosts free walk-in family law clinics on Saturday mornings for people that aren't sure if they want/need a lawyer, are thinking of doing the divorce proceedings themselves, or just want more info on the process. I went there this morning and I was the only one there so I basically got a free individual consultation! It made me feel a lot better about the situation. Basically, H and I could write up and sign something to the effect of he pays the mortgage from X date on, I am only entitled to the equity from X day and before, but it's not really enforceable because it's not a pre-nup nor is it an actual divorce filing/motion. But, it can't hurt. Essentially I just have to trust that H will pay the mortgage in full each month. The lawyer I talked to thought it was questionable that H could do that based on his income and our mortgage.. but H doesn't spend any money beyond the bare essentials (which to him are cable, internet, and spaghetti-o's) so I'm not concerned he won't be able to pay. Re: the equity, if we divorced the assumption is I'm entitled to half up through the time of divorce regardless of whether I'm paying anything or not since my name is on the mortgage and title, so I can't possibly be hurt by this. So H will have to trust that I will only ask for what is fair based on what I paid. Guess this will be a trust exercise on both our parts? : ) I'll still have him sign it just so we're clear on expectations and there are no surprises.

Afterwards I decided to have some fun. I went to Starbucks and walked around our downtown farmer's market for awhile. That's definitely a good place to be "in the moment" - if you're not and you dawdle or you're not paying attention you will get trampled by people and strollers smile It was a beautiful day to people watch, try samples, and buy some snacks.

H told me he started counseling. Not sure if he'll continue, though. He said "is it a bad sign if the guy is yawning while I'm talking?" :S. But the guy he's seeing is apparently well-known, teaches classes here at the university, and specializes in men's issues in relationships, communication, etc. *shrug* whatever, trying not to ponder it too much, it's not my issue to deal with.

I'm kind of excited about aspects of moving. I'm picking out new bedding, a TV stand, stools for the kitchen island.. there are some positives! And I can pick out whatever I want and don't have to ask for permission or make sure they like it, too smile

I'm going to re-read the LRT daily so I can focus on maintaining that in the next 6 weeks. H keeps engaging me in small talk and asking me to do things like run errands, cook meals together, etc. Today he was really pushing the grocery store.. saying "I know you don't have to, but if you're going to the store, and I'm going to the store, we could go together. We could just have separate carts but go in the same car. It's not a problem to me." Instead of saying "well it's a problem for me!" I just politely declined. I debated whether to try harder on the 180's I had been doing earlier in all of this... his main things are A) he wanted me to be more appreciative, complimentary, proud of him B) he wanted me to trust him more and let him "have a life". I can somewhat do B. I just will con't to not question or ask about anything he does with others. But I will not say "I trust you" or believe that he'll follow through on something financially without something in writing or confirmation that it happened. I don't think he's trustworthy right now. As for the first 180... I just don't have it in me to be appreciative or complimentary towards him right now. It would be forced and fake if I tried. I'm not seeing anything that makes me appreciate or want to compliment him so, I guess I won't worry about that. When the L today asked me if we had tried marriage counseling or what we had done so far and I said nope, H won't do it right now, he says he doesn't want to change his decision because it would be a sign of weakness, the L said "that sounds kind of immature... D is the easy way out, to me it's a sign of weakness that that's his first option rather than trying to talk with you about it and work on things."


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
KGirl #2446955 04/19/14 08:52 PM
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,922
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,922
K Girl,

It sounds like you are doing some great GAL activities. While I understand the concept of being happy versus being write, I don't think trust is a fuzzy area. IMHO, trust is not something you extend arbitrarily to someone who has taken a vow for better or worse. Why would you trust your h right now? He said he wants to be friends and not married. Even though we are told believe none of what they say and half of what they do, you have no choice but to believe this is what your h wants.

Keep focusing on you. I'm happy to hear you are excited about moving. You can make it your space.



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Page 5 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard