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Wow... its like a mini reunion on my thread!!!

I'm not big on labels, but whatever you call it, I can see the pattern of how my my wife "coped" with life. She picks something and throws herself into it in an attempt to find value in herself. When the praise or satisfaction is disrupted, disappointment set in and something new was sought out to fill the emptiness.

It's an ineffective copying skills and a pattern of seeking value & worth outside of one's self. From the history of all our threads, that seems to be a commonality for each of us. Hey, I've definitely found my own issues with this that I've had to deal with.

LaBug, I'm once again in a position to resist the "rescue" this week. W has overdrawn the account for about the 5th time this year. I've always put money in to cover and make sure there is enough. This time I'm not doing it (and I'm going out of town). W has another account that she does not share with me so I'm assuming she's got money there to do what she needs.

And if she says she doesn't then I'll suggest she sell some of her new clothes to the second hand store in town for cash....


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
ces67 #2442833 04/02/14 09:25 PM
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Originally Posted By: Rick1963
Because it might be something else, defining it as depression all of the time is also a cheeseless tunnel. Don't you think?. The way I perceive is that it justifies a behavior, and creates an expectation for the LBS. That the depression will go away and things will go back to how they were.


You could make the exact same argument about labeling something a "Mid Life Crisis". If applying that label helps the LBS to find comfort I don't see the harm in it. I don't see that applying a label comes with the implication that it will go away at some point.

ces67 I agree with you, it is a common theme -- our WAS' have some emptiness, or some itch that needs to be scratched. If depression is not the right word to use, maybe a better one is emptiness. They've given up on trying to have that addressed within the marriage for any number of reasons.

They can either seek to understand where that emptiness comes from and try to address the root cause, or they can try to treat the symptom and "self-medicate" with what an LBS probably perceives as destructive behaviors.

Unfortunately, there's really not much that we, the LBS, can do to help them to address it, they need to decide to do it on their own.

My MC told me the same thing about W -- that she has some emptiness that she attempts to treat by enticing co-workers to pursue her. That the attention gives her a "fix" that paves over the emptiness for some period of time, and to her that is addictive.

That could be way off base, or it could be true. In the end, the "why" no longer matters to me. There is only the treatment I will accept, and treatment I will not accept. The reasons why are hers.

Acc


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
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I think that sounds pretty Accurate Accuray (see how I did that;) ).

I had that same MLC vs depression discussion not long ago.

Quote:
The way I perceive is that it justifies a behavior, and creates an expectation for the LBS. That the depression will go away and things will go back to how they were.


I see your point, Rick and I think my thoughts are in line with yours, no matter what it is (going back to Friedan's "the problem without a name") it clearly is a WAS problem, one that the LBS can't address.

ces, I'm sending you strength to avoid fixing. ((( )))


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2443018 04/03/14 04:36 PM
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A Christian based CD series on forgiveness really helped me get past the "why" my H left me and all the sitch's occurred. The bottom line is that we need to stop asking "why", forgive, and accept that most of the sitch doesn't make sense, although it helps us move on if we understand how we can change ourselves so we don't have the sitch in the future with other people. DB is great but doesn't always work in all sitch's, however, we can learn what our part and choices are in participating. Moving on in our lives is difficult, but necessary in some situations. It sometimes come to the point no matter how much you love the person, it's not healthy to relate at this time, until he/she decides to change his/her behaviors, even if it's depression, MLC, violent behaviors (my H), and infidelity, etc. etc. Moving on isn't easy, but often necessary.

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ces67 Offline OP
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Owl - thanks for stopping in. I feel pretty good in the realm of forgiveness. The church I attend has even handled counseling for me as part of their ministry and I have a small group of friends that help me be accountable in that area. I realize the unnecessary burden of not forgiving and I have no desire to be that person.

Where I am now is really trying to figure out my boundaries and sticking to them. I've developed a pattern of rescue over the years that has enabled some of my W's behaviors.

Bug, I'm doing better. I saw an e-mail that said my W's credit card bill was late and I ignored it. She knows her own due date and can handle that herself. I have no idea if she ever paid her speeding ticket that was due in February and I've not brought it up.

This week, I did step in and help but I did it along with setting the expectation of being paid back. W wrote a check to get her hair done, knowing that there was no money in the account. I had money in savings and she knew it because it was set aside to have our roof replaced next week. It is now up to her to cover the insurance deductible for the repairs.

As soon as the pay hits this Friday, I will be asking for the funds so we can pay the roofers. If she doesn't have it then I will let her contact the roofing company to coordinate what she needs to do.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
ces67 #2444338 04/09/14 02:06 AM
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ces, I know how hard this must be. But she needs to be in charge of her life.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2445826 04/15/14 01:05 PM
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ces67 Offline OP
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From what W says, the school messed up her pay and she got paid a lot less than what she was suppose to. And of course she had already spent a good bit of what was there before she bothered to check.

To her credit, she did contact the roofing company and arrange for them to proceed and she will cover the deductible amount once she gets her pay corrected. That should only be a couple weeks at the most.

Mostly right now, I am just frustrated at myself for not dealing directly with my desire to divorce. I seem to constantly find a reason to wait and put it off. In some ways, things are better. W is at least more kind at home. She talks to me about more than she use to. But it is all still surface. We avoid any difficult topics. We don't plan, coordinate or work together. She still does her own thing and I do mine. Still in separate bedrooms. She is unwilling to be open about her friendships, money or much of anything else.

This Friday was an example. I got home and she still wasn't home. I tried calling & texting but no answer. Then I see D12 talking on her phone to her mom, moments after I tried calling. D12 tells me that W is still at school and is going out with co-workers. W finally calls me and tells me she is working on grading still and will be home later. She says nothing about going out. I bring it up and she glosses over it as if its a "maybe" type of thing. She did go out with them.

Its frustrating that I can still get so worked up by her actions. I don't want a divorce but I don't want this fake marriage either. I realize both options are painful and I appear to be settling for the option I know instead of the risk of something better.

I have an IC appointment on Thursday. I intend to start the talk of a D with W before then so I can follow up with my IC about that rather than why I've not had that conversation.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
ces67 #2446087 04/16/14 02:25 PM
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You're already Dd, it's just not legal.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2446089 04/16/14 02:30 PM
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That was pretty blunt but to my understanding it's what you described.

From one of my favorite authors"
“When we feel unsafe with someone and still stay with him, we damage our ability to discern trustworthiness in those we will meet in the future.” ~David Richo

You know I wish you the best. (( ))


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2446269 04/17/14 03:04 AM
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ces67 Offline OP
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No worries about bluntness. Nothing I didn't know. Just keep hoping it can change.

No talk has happened this week. Other priorities. Son got sick yesterday and I was taking care of him and running errands. Today I got a new roof on the house and spent the day at home for that as well as taking care of my son and 2 dogs being driven crazy by the pounding of hammers. Took our new dog for 3 walks during the day which was good. Son is feeling better.

W got sent home from work today to change. She's doing a long-term sub job through the end of the school year. Today the asst superintendent stopped in to observe. After the lesson, she told W that her dress was too short and she should go change. W was very embarrassed and apologized. She said the lady was very kind about it and actually gave her a good review on her teaching.

But W said she let the lady know she was sorry and very embarrassed (even cried a bit). She agreed to go change and come back as quickly as possible. She also let the lady know that she hoped this wouldn't impact her opportunity to get a teaching job in the fall. The superintendent assured her it was not a big deal. She even complimented her on the outfit but said it just wasn't appropriate for teaching.

So I got her other dress out for her and ironed it so it was ready when she got home. She filled in the details of their talk, including the good review and thanked me for ironing her dress. Then she was off again.

IC tomorrow.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
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