Wife wants a divorce

[25yearsmlc]

I am being the best father i can be to my daughter. 1. because i love her and 2. because my time with her could very likely be cut into in the near future.

I don't have much of a life now because I pretty much did my own thing before she dropped the bomb. Sleeping, video games, gun range etc.

I am going to give you what I hope is seen as a gentle reminder of priorities, and not a nasty comment made in fury, or a harsh 2 x 4, okay?

So, as much as I enjoy target shooting & hunting, ( & I do, although I'd never done either before meeting my h), & sleeping in, and even playing a few video games, were you all that happy & fulfilled with those activities? They seem pretty solitary/isolated to me. Maybe a tad depressive, too.

In other words, does it feel like a big sacrifice to give up (or do less of) the video games and sleep, to do things like help raise your daughter, share your w's company as her mate, and to take pride in helping to keep the home maintained nicely?

So far from what I read, your wife has noticed the changes and

she has NOT said things like "h, all you've done is grow up some, & stopped being as selfish & lazy" OR "So what if you make changes?"

Instead, she has said things more along the lines of "NOW You do this??" Meaning she cares.

Oh sure, she is sort of suggesting it's too little and or, too late. But it is not. If she were indifferent to you, THAT would be a lot more worrisome. But she's invested in you, regardless of how she may feel the need to "cut her losses", she still cares.

The question is whether her fears of you & the marriage reverting, can be allayed by your consistent, persistent efforts at showing real & lasting change, in YOU.

YOU are the one to make your case...(right? I mean, does that make sense?)

As for giving up, why would you do that? I mean, it's one thing to say you don't or can't see her forgiving you or you two reconciling, (In which case you stay the course but perhaps work harder on detaching),

but it's a wholly different matter to suggest you stop doing things you were, in reality, meant to be doing.

Like helping with the house, your d, and not being in bed during the day when you are well, not playing video games or doing other solo activities, when you have a mate and a young child in the home...your w probably is used to being a single mom, in effect.

She can say (and maybe even believe) that the changes are too late. But just b/c she says it does not make it true, and just because she feels a certain way one day does not mean the feelings won't change. They have and they do, all the time.

For her to see Your changes & believe in them, merely takes more time b/c you have to overcome her presumptions that the changes are fake or temporary.

But it DOES happen. People change and other people, over time, either notice it and pretend not to, or they notice it and admit it. She's already admitting it!

Now i'm helping around the house more, backing her up when it comes to disciplining our daughter and just spending time together. She has told a mutual friend she wishes I would've done this earlier(the 180).

That sounds like a really reasonable thing to say, don't you think? It does NOT mean you are in a hopeless situation. It does mean she approves of the changes, however.
Keep at this.

[VFL]

I am being the best father i can be to my daughter. 1. because i love her and 2. because my time with her could very likely be cut into in the near future.

I don't have much of a life now because I pretty much did my own thing before she dropped the bomb. Sleeping, video games, gun range etc.

I am going to give you what I hope is seen as a gentle reminder of priorities, and not a nasty comment made in fury, or a harsh 2 x 4, okay?

So, as much as I enjoy target shooting & hunting, ( & I do, although I'd never done either before meeting my h), & sleeping in, and even playing a few video games, were you all that happy & fulfilled with those activities? They seem pretty solitary/isolated to me. Maybe a tad depressive, too.

I like playing games and would only play with people i know. There would be about 4-6 of us from work that would play before work or on off days. But looking back that's all my life was. Work, sleep, pick up our daughter, wait on wife to get home, play games, repeat.

In other words, does it feel like a big sacrifice to give up (or do less of) the video games and sleep, to do things like help raise your daughter, share your w's company as her mate, and to take pride in helping to keep the home maintained nicely?

I completely agree now, looking back i remember her asking me to spend time with her, take better care of myself(she likes it when i dress better, shave more often, cologne, etc). I push back and resist and change when I feel pressured to change. I hate that aspect about me.

But since the day I realized i'm still in love with her it's not a something i have to consciously do anymore. I shave daily, back to wearing clothes she likes me in, hair cut more often but the most noticeable difference (i think) is my attitude. I'm no longer Grumpy from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

So far from what I read, your wife has noticed the changes and

she has NOT said things like "h, all you've done is grow up some, & stopped being as selfish & lazy" OR "So what if you make changes?"

Instead, she has said things more along the lines of "NOW You do this??" Meaning she cares.

Oh sure, she is sort of suggesting it's too little and or, too late. But it is not. If she were indifferent to you, THAT would be a lot more worrisome. But she's invested in you, regardless of how she may feel the need to "cut her losses", she still cares.

The question is whether her fears of you & the marriage reverting, can be allayed by your consistent, persistent efforts at showing real & lasting change, in YOU.

YOU are the one to make your case...(right? I mean, does that make sense?)

Makes perfect sense, and I was completely honest with her when we talked about the changes i'm making and they are for me. They will continue even if we do end up getting divorced because they make me a better person

As for giving up, why would you do that? I mean, it's one thing to say you don't or can't see her forgiving you or you two reconciling, (In which case you stay the course but perhaps work harder on detaching),

but it's a wholly different matter to suggest you stop doing things you were, in reality, meant to be doing.

Like helping with the house, your d, and not being in bed during the day when you are well, not playing video games or doing other solo activities, when you have a mate and a young child in the home...your w probably is used to being a single mom, in effect.

She can say (and maybe even believe) that the changes are too late. But just b/c she says it does not make it true, and just because she feels a certain way one day does not mean the feelings won't change. They have and they do, all the time.

For her to see Your changes & believe in them, merely takes more time b/c you have to overcome her presumptions that the changes are fake or temporary.

But it DOES happen. People change and other people, over time, either notice it and pretend not to, or they notice it and admit it. She's already admitting it!

Now i'm helping around the house more, backing her up when it comes to disciplining our daughter and just spending time together. She has told a mutual friend she wishes I would've done this earlier(the 180).

That sounds like a really reasonable thing to say, don't you think? It does NOT mean you are in a hopeless situation. It does mean she approves of the changes, however.
Keep at this.

Thank you, I will keep at this. We have another therapy appointment in the morning after our daughter goes to school. Hopefully she doesn't feel like it's all on her like last time(the therapist said in the first session he sees potential and she should try harder to make this work instead of giving up, which I felt like taking up for her because it isn't completely her fault.)

Thanks again, I'll post an update tomorrow.

[VFL]

Well that sucked.

Therapy today consisted of a personality profile. Which we are the same on half of the attributes. Myers Briggs personality types she's an ESTJ and i'm an ISTP. Discussed how we perceive each others feelings and actions and how we deal with them.

Talked about how she 'let go' of our relationship a year ago when she moved into the other bedroom. Said she didn't try counseling because I was adamant that I didn't want to go and the last thing you should do is drag someone to therapy. Told the therapist we have talked about divorce in the past but made up eventually (each time was a little longer and longer until we made up). So i thought we would make up eventually it just was taking longer than expected.

So to me I never looked at us agreeing on divorce last year when she moved into the other bedroom at real. I'm a wreck at the moment so some of the session is a blur but it ended up with him telling me that i have to let her go and rebuild my own 'house' in order for this to work. He wants to meet with only me next week.

Walking to our cars we got into another argument. She said "do you see what he's saying about we need to let this die and I can see your changes are real then we could possibly get back together" I told her I didn't want anyone else in my 'house'. Asked her about just separating, she said we've been separated for over a year (when she moved into the other bedroom). I told her we never discussed a separation and she replied that it didn't need to be discussed. We were just at two completely different places in our relationship and due to my lack of communication i'm losing the person i love most.

I'm not giving up DBing really though, because I like the changes I've made. I don't even consider it DBing anymore. I don't know if I've convinced myself this is the new me or what but I like who I am now more than who I was a month ago.

[VFL]

We've been pleasant to each other the past 2 days. actually been making her laugh like i used to, part of DBing. But she still wants to go through with the divorce.

So i went into panic mode since the appt with the therapist and I messed up badly this morning, asking her to give me another chance because I realize what I need to do in order to fix this. She just keeps saying she's done, she's been done for almost a year. I told her 'you never told me'. She said when i was adamant that I wasn't going to change and I didn't want to go to therapy she saw it was pointless. It escalated to me asking her how she can just break us apart and we'll both always wonder 'What if'.

Her and my daughter left this afternoon to go to my in-laws for Easter. They go down there for holidays if i have to work. I wanted them to stay since i feel like it's my last holiday with them with me in the house, but I know she would either go anyway or resent me for it.

I called to see if they got down there ok but no answer. So i called my in laws and got my father in-law. They weren't there yet. Next he said he hates what's going on. By the time my wife was beeping in on the other line. I answer and she was in the drive thru getting their dinner. She wasn't annoyed, and i let her know i was just checking on them since it was raining the whole way down. I get back to my father in-law and he said that if i ever needed to talk he is there for me. I don't want to talk to him while my wife is down there though so I plan on calling him sunday afternoon.

He has always 'been on my side' with my wife being overbearing and controlling to a point. So we'll see what happens with that conversation on sunday.

[VFL]

Didn't talk to my father in law today. I'll call him sometime tomorrow.

Today was another nice day, although I was only around them for about an hour and a half. They went down to her dad and step-mom's this weekend for Easter since I had to work this weekend. Had a few phone conversations fri, sat and sun primarily with my daughter though. The panicking side of me says she doesn't want to talk to me but the rational side says she's just busy talking to her dad (they are extremely close, closer than usual I believe because her mom passed away 18 years ago).

When they got home today I gave my daughter a scooter my parents bought and an Easter basket my sister made for her. she was fine with the basket but had an issue with the scooter. We had made a rule that if it didn't fit in or right around an Easter basket then she wouldn't get it. We didn't want Easter going overboard and becoming another Christmas. So that's fine, I understand and agree with that. But our daughter propped the scooter against the back of one of the chairs and my wife was telling her not to do that it will scratch the chair. Then stopped and told me it doesn't matter that they are mine anyway. so that hurt hearing that.

I'm dressed much nicer than usual today (khakis, button up shirt and dress shoes). She loves/loved when i dressed like that so i thought she would notice, and she may have but didn't mention it. i didn't really dress like this for her, i just felt like it because of Easter and all.

Later on she mentions our daughters winter break (that's when we usually take a vacation). She still wants to go on vacations together as a family. Feels that's important that our daughter sees us together like that. Carefree, no schedules, getting along, etc. But we've been talking about taking her to Sea World for a while now, and she mentions that. Said you can have lunch or dinner with Shamu and there are lots of other things to do. Said we would go to Sea World for 2 days so we wouldn't be hurried to do everything in one day.

I mention Winter, the dolphin from the movie 'Dolphin Tale' is in Clearwater. only about 1.5 hours away and she agrees that's a possibility. It's hard understanding how she can dislike me enough to divorce me but still be with me for extended periods of time. I'm terrified of bringing this up though, because I'm afraid she'll just say ok never mind then, we won't go.

I know hindsight is 20/20 but I wish I would've DB'd last year when she was willing to reconcile. But I didn't know she was willing to reconcile and I thought she was happy with the way things were. I guess my advise to anyone would be DB at the first mention of divorce. Instead of brushing it off as just something that was said in the heat of an argument. but i guess if you're reading this then you're here and you already are DB'ing.

Still discouraged, but still DBing...

[gogofo]

VFL, if you did not usually dress the way you did today, she noticed... trust me. My W has said a couple of times that she noticed my new clothes and that I am cleaned up and looking good. Keep up with the DBing and working on yourself.

[VFL]

Thanks, I will.

[VFL]

I can express enough how much encouragement, knowledge and strength I've gotten from this site.

[VFL]

She just asked me again to sign the papers. But everyone else i talk to says not to sign until I'm ready. I told her that and she said "so i need to change it to contested". I ask her why such a hurry and she says she's grieved and let go. She's over this, why don't i do what the therapist said (let her go). I tell her we've never really tried working on our relationship at the same time(its always been one of us admitting faults and changing what we were doing. She tells me i have until Wednesday to sign. then she just quit talking and got on her ipad.

[VFL]

Had a nice day with my daughter today. Picked her up from school and we went to my parents house as usual on tuesdays (we go there on tuesdays and fridays after school). Got our daughter home about 30 min earlier that usual because they have benchmark testing this week. Wife was appreciative of that. We both made her dinner(she's allergic to gluten and dairy). Then the 3 of us talked about a homework project they have due next week.

Wife and I show each other stuff from each others facebook. They were funny and it was awesome to hear her laugh. Then we talked about a vacation again in Feb 2015(we usually go on vacation for our daughter's winter break) we decided on sea world in Orlando and then going to Clearwater to see Winter from Dolphin Tale. So that will be about 5-6 days together nonstop. She did ask if she could have a couple of days in spring break since i get her then and she felt like she was 'giving up one on one time' to have a family vacation. I agree but told her I would like the same the next year.

Further down in my facebook feed I notice one of my friends that got divorced last year was at a braves game with a guy she has been dating a couple of months. She got divorced about 6 months ago and i said Hmmm out loud. My wife asked what was is it? and i told her. She said that's way too soon, and I admitted to her it would be very difficult for me if she started dating again and they started doing things together as a family. She said that she doesn't want to date for a long long time. She wants to work on herself first, lose weight etc. I told her guys are going to be knocking down her door (she's a beautiful woman) and she laughed that off (she doesn't have very high self esteem about herself physically).

By this time it's time for our daughter to go to bed, I ask my wife what she wants for dinner(i told her i was going to get something to eat earlier in the evening). She asks what I'm thinking and I told her Wendy's and she says nah i'm good. I told her I would stop by anywhere along the way and she declines. Then I remember I haven't had Arby's in a long time. I mention that and she takes me up on the offer.

So I leave and get dinner. Come back and we both eat on the couch watching a Criminal Minds rerun. Some jokes are passed back and forth and then we come upstairs because she says she's going to bed. I can't remember what exactly was said but she mentioned that in the last therapy session it hurt her that couldn't comfort me when i was crying in therapy. She said she didn't want to give me the wrong impression. I told her while I wanted her to hug me I see where she is coming from. So we go upstairs and I check on our daughter and then lay down with her because she's an irresistible cuddle bunny. My wife asks if I mind if she takes a shower with the door closed, (I guess she's just making sure I'll listen out for our daughter if i get out of her bed) I told her "of course". and she proceeds to take the longest shower known to man lol. She gets out and I tell her "i think i'll have to wait until tomorrow for the water to heat back up". We both laugh and she says it just felt so good in there. I didn't hear any crying though and I would have if she was.

I missed the therapy session today that was just for me though. I had it in my phone calendar as tomorrow and they did reschedule for tomorrow at 4. Don't know what he's going to work on but I'm guessing it's working on me and getting myself ready for the next chapter in my life.

I guess a part of me is realizing divorce is going to happen because i find myself looking up stories about couples that reconcile after divorce and stuff. I know that is years away more than likely if it happens at all.