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mdu Offline OP
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Ok...another update. So I made myself NOT look at my phone for a while so I could focus on work. I just took a look and apparently he txted immediately after reading my letter. His text said, "I got your letter. I am still willing to work on things. I think we should discuss this with the MC. I have said you can look at all of my email. I will give you the passwords. I am trying to understand what else you are requiring. I love you."


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 768
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mdu Offline OP
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Train, thanks again so much for your guidance and support! As for his complaints he has provided me with some, all of them are reasonable and I am willing to work on. They are:
*Getting nasty when I'm angry
*Emotional disconnection, not feeling like he/we talk enough (about our daily lives; also wanting to feel like we can tell each other anything)
*Sexual disconnection
*Not doing enough together, e.g., me going to bed early to read and leaving him alone on the couch by himself watching TV
He has more but that's what I know at this point.


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 768
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mdu Offline OP
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As for what I am doing to get out of the house and settle my mind...unfortunately since we have decided to recommit and reconcile that has been tougher and tougher to do. I've found my circle of supporters has shrunk (apparently people I know are much more pro immediately filing for divorce once this has occured) and there are very few people I feel comfortable around right now.

Also, because I feel like we are kind of swinging a bit between 'reconciling' and 'are we really reconciling?' I'm not entirely sure how to behave. For instance, given an issue for him has been our emotional disconnection and not doing things together I've been trying to be more available in the evenings to hang out with him and just chat or watch TV. Which has actually been pretty positive several times. Going out with friends or something else out of the house obviously seems counter to that.

Having said that, I am trying to do some things on my own that will help with my mental health, e.g., walking or jogging, reading a good book, focusing and spending time with the kids, focusing on work (I have a good FT job I generally find very satifying).

Any additional thoughts/suggestions very much appreciated again!


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
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Originally Posted By: Starsky309


And then leave him be. Do NOT get into it with him, or tell him what you plan on doing. POST HERE FIRST.



Originally Posted By: mdu
I am planning to leave him a letter, this is the best way for me to communicate without getting overly emotional or sucked into foolish R talk. Here's what the letter says, probably not precisely what you all would recommend but it's what I feel most comfortable with right now: . . .


So do you feel better for having sent that letter, or no?

I take it you either disagree with my "POST HERE FIRST" advice, or you just plan on going ahead and doing whatever feels right to you in the emotional moment??? confused

Makes it a little difficult to help you, mdu. frown


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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mdu Offline OP
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Yes, actually I do feel better for having given him that letter.

Obviously in your opinion I've done something very wrong, Starsky. I'm not sure what.

I actually didn't at all feel that I had given him the letter in an intensely emotional moment. I had really calmed myself and slept the night before better and longer than I have literally since this all started. I felt I had awoken with a real clarity. I'm very confused now, unfortunately.


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
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Originally Posted By: mdu

Yes, actually I do feel better for having given him that letter.
. . .

I actually didn't at all feel that I had given him the letter in an intensely emotional moment. I had really calmed myself and slept the night before better and longer than I have literally since this all started. I felt I had awoken with a real clarity.



Originally Posted By: mdu
Ugh, I felt so confident early this morning. Now I am totally questioning whether I should have set such a firm boundary.



I was only referencing YOUR second-guessing of it.

Look, I happen to like the letter, and would have hardly changed a word. I am just trying to get you to begin to stop leading with your EMOTIONS, and rather to lead with a PLAN.

Leading with our emotions is usually what got us into our sitches in the first place.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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mdu Offline OP
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Got it, thanks Starsky!


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 768
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mdu Offline OP
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H came home grumpy, grumpy tonight. Would barely look at or acknowledge me. Fortunately he left for the eve to take DS to cub scouts so I don't have to deal with it. I am going to do a few things for me now, like look for a 5K race to run and maybe a cooking class.


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 768
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mdu Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 768
I am still so confused about how to behave around H. He is not making many (any) moves towards me lately (physically or otherwise, e.g., talking, txting, etc). But, I often wonder if he’s waiting for me to make the first move. When I do try to reach out to him, give him a hug, try to cuddle in bed, he is generally responsive. Maybe not quite as enthusiastic as in my dreams but he seems to soften and reciprocate. Also, if I tell him ‘I love you’ he says it back but I’m not sure if I should even be saying that at this point? I think I mentioned before that he clearly felt very rejected by me in many ways pre-A, which makes me think that I should be reaching out to him to show him that yes, I will change this. However, DBing seems to suggest I should do the complete opposite and pull away from him. Needless to say I'm confused!

Given he generally responds reasonably well when I reach out and the prior rejection issue should I keep it up or back off? He is still very much getting over her so I’m not sure how that should factor into my behavior. I feel caught between a rock and a hard place and need a plan! Do I keep reaching out and if he responds well go with it but if he seems to recoil/rebuff back off? I really do want to signal to him that I can be the one to give him whatever he was getting from her (or at least I can TRY) but obviously I don’t want to come off as desperate and that I’ll do anything! Also, it is a little annoying given he had the A and I feel like I’m the one fighting to get HIM back, I feel like I have to seriously put my pride aside.

Ugh! Advice on how to proceed would be very much appreciated!!!


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 951
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DB isn't a set standard of rules on how to behave. If you were emotionally distant and unavailable before, then do the opposite now...

ultimately...you need to be ok with yourself and how you handle things

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