5 months of heck...ugh

[scooby]

I am getting ready for the firing squad when H gets home in 2 hours for work he is going to be mad. I took the girls out to dinner with a friend, and he is mad he did not know. He already yelled on the phone. Maybe he will go to OW house tongight after work. I am thinking I am going to have to say I don't want to discuss while he is mad and leave the room several times....UGH

[MrBond]

And what was his reason for getting mad?

[scooby]

He does not have a reason. He is a controller, so it is him losing control.

[MrBond]

"He does not have a reason. He is a controller, so it is him losing control."

That's you mindreading. It's what got you here in the first place. Sure there are times that people get agitated and angry. But most of the time they have a reason. Maybe it's because he's frustrated at the situation. Maybe he feels left out. Whatever. Rather than assuming things, try thinking if there is a motive behind it.

[Takevowsserious]

Hi tld,

Your h may have a reason for being angry - see what he says, be a good listener, validate.

I saw this behavior with my h, this getting mad when I did things with our boys.

At first, he was so out in left field and never home, that he didn't seem to care what we did.

But as time went on, and he realized we weren't going to be sitting at home waiting for him , he didn't like it too much. MLCers will try to control you, control a situation. I have seen that they want to do what they want when they want and not answer to anybody, yet know your every move.

Live your life, do fun things with the kids - don't be afraid of doing things with them because he will be mad.

Otoh, don't purposely exclude him either. If he's around, invite him to go, but don't expect it. They can feel isolated from their family to begin with, try not to add to it.

Hope this helps!

[scooby]

So today I don't feel like standing I feel like filing. H came home in middle of night and woke me up yelling. I am not supposed to do anything with girls unless I have approval. It has never been that way, especially when he us at work. I invite him if he is off work. But I have always had freedom while he us at work. Ugh. He gets upset if I do nothing ir something.

[MrBond]

Ah but you see it's him trying to exert control. MLCers like your H feel the need to control everything. When he does that, hold your hand up and tell him that he is not allowed to talk to you like that any longer. That as long as he is with another woman and does not treat you with respect, you are not obligated to do whatever he demands. Then walk away whistling.

He will threaten and throw a tantrum, but just shake your head in pity. Imagine him like a child throwing a tantrum and not getting what he wants. Put your foot down early. Get legal representation if necessary to outline it all to him. Document the times he gets angry at you and if necessary, call the police on him to show him you mean business.

[scooby]

Mr Bond-

You mean business. I understand what you are saying, but I am a wimp. Last night I told him he could not talk to me that way and left the room. I went thru several times of saying that and several rooms before he got the hint. Anytime I say anything about OW - he is in denial they are just friends. He would be fired if Ow was found out. How can I call the police if he is just following me around the house nagging me - doesn't he have to be hitting me? I also am terrified what he will do if I push his buttons too much. He says when his work thing is over he is going to divorce me - and I believe him. He is living in delusional land thinking he can save his job and get his enemies fired and then be with his OW. Right now the OW is a big secret, but people have suspensions. If he would not lose his job I would tell on him.

I am not sure how to show I mean business without getting the retaliation. I knew he was going to be pissed at me, but not that pissed. He has been gentle lately as he needs me for this whole work thing - which I have not figured out why because he is telling me nothing. He thinks he has a case however - delusional land?

I will try standing up to him Mr Bond. Thanks for helping me as always.

[MrBond]

The way you get him to stop treating you like that it by not allowing him to talk to you like that. When you tell him to back off, look at him straight in the eye, square your shoulders, back straight and upright. Do it from a position of confidence and strength and not out of fear.

[Takevowsserious]

It seems your h is using intimidation to try and control you. Don't let him.

You are the girl's mother, you have every right to spend time with them and do things with them. You don't need your H's approval or permission to do so.

I understand about the h and ow working together, as that is my situation as well. I will warn you, they do become extremely protective and defensive of the ow. Don't say anything about her if you can help it. This only adds to the drama, and draws them closer together.

While I wouldn't recommend getting involved in the huge mess your h is creating at work - and trust me, he is, he just doesn't realize it yet - I wouldn't worry about protecting him from the work related consequences of his affair. He and ow may be living in fantasy land, but I guarantee their coworkers are not.

Focus on you and the girls. He is way out there right now...