To be honest, I wouldn't have gone to see him. He needs to figure out what he wants and a couple of days is definitely not enough for things to turn around.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Hmm MrBond, you're probably right. I just worry that if we don't ever see each other, he will slowly become more comfortable being on his own and lose the desire to see me at all, and decide that he does want to end things. I know that's my own insecurities speaking.
Just wanted to check in, I'm going to try to write here a little more in order to journal the day to day happenings. I did end up going to visit H, and I think for our situation, in the long run it was the best decision. We had an absolutely lovely time. H acted just how he used to in the best days of our relationship--very affectionate, holding doors open for me, carrying my bags, etc. Lots of ML. I tried to follow Sandi's rules and acted fun and positive and tried to avoid any relationship talk as much as possible. I did give in and talk about the R once or twice when he brought it up and we had a good talk, I was able to see a little more where he is coming from. He says that he feels being married is not the best thing for him right now, he still loves me very much and can see us getting back together, but for him, he needs to work on his own issues before he can be in a relationship again. He said he can tell I've made some changes already, that I seem more easy going/ less controlling (180 for me). While I can see where he is coming from--we both need to work on a few things in order to be in a decent relationship in the future, either with each other or different people--if we love each other and he can see us getting back together, I feel that it would be a decent compromise for us to stay separated for a while, but he disagrees, and feels that it would be best if we got divorced, then whatever happens in the future between us, happens. I didn't push the issue with him. Its funny in a way but at times I feel like he is DB me...encouraging us to just have fun when we are together, let go of the past/our old relationship, not worry/ plan the future of our relationship yet, and spend this time working on ourselves. It was a short trip, 3 nights, and he texted me yesterday morning, around the time I was just getting home, and said, "I do miss you already...:)". I thought it was sweet, and sort of unlike him, as he's always insisted in the past that he doesn't miss me (or anyone else) when he is away. Since we just spent a few days together that went really well, I'm planning on kind of lying low for a few days as far as contact goes, so he does have a chance to miss me.
Struggling today. Did well yesterday not texting or calling H, kept busy with a few errands and had my parents and siblings over at night for dinner. This morning it was beautiful out, went for a 4 mile run outside and felt fantastic. Took my dog for a walk on the beach in the afternoon. Didn't do the best job keeping busy in the afternoon, drove myself crazy over the fact that H hasn't called/texted much since the morning I got back from my trip to see him (only been a day and a half, I know, but we text pretty regularly and he was initiating most of the contact, usually every day, before I went to see him).
Not breaking down and initiating that contact is one of the hardest aspects of this process, I think. I know that he needs space right now and a chance to miss me, but I really crave that reassurance that I feel when I have contact with him. For a minute anyway, then I feel regret for reaching out--I know that, even though we have been getting along really well, it is still pursuing behavior. I need to remind myself that the instant gratification I feel of texting or chatting with him a bit on the phone is not as important as reaching my goals with the marriage in the long run.
Today was a little better. Rainy all day so went to the gym in the morning, then worked on bathroom remodel in the afternoon. I had to call H in the morning for some last minute tax info, was kicking myself the whole time, as I really wanted to go dim for a while. I kept the call very short, he was quite pleasant. I felt bummed though all afternoon, driving myself crazy with thoughts of us not ever getting back together. Keeping a PMA is really something I have to work on, I'm so impatient and I know that, as I have seen all over these boards, this process is a marathon, not a sprint, and I can't let my impatience get me down emotionally.
Early in the evening, when I was out running some errands, I got a text from H, asking me how my day was and what I was up to. I let some time pass before I answered him, and then we texted back and forth a few times. He said that me missed me, and brought up a couple of the silly inside jokes that we have. I felt really good about the interaction, but I'm struggling with what my game plan should be going forward.
On one hand, I want to create some distance, give him space to figure out what he wants to do, let him miss me a little bit. On the other hand, we seem to have made a lot of progress in the last few weeks with what we are doing now: I have been texting him occasionally, but letting him make most of the contact, and then responding back pretty consistently. With the exception of earlier today, he has been making all of the phone calls to me. I know that I have been making myself rather available, and I'm not really following the DR guidelines as far as our interactions. Any thoughts? Keep doing what I'm doing as far as our interactions go, as I have seen some results, or try to go a little more dim, hoping for more drastic results?
