H moving out tomorrow

[TL72*]

emailed exH yesterday to let him know that the joint cc is paid off and closed and also gave him the amount for the health insurance payment he owes me (until he's off). Mentioned that I presumed the d papers would be mailed to me and that I can't refi or take him off the insurance without them. He knows this because I mentioned it before but thought I'd remind him. He responded that he HAD the papers when he came over last Friday (he was picking up the cat to have her put down) but he "didn't feel the timing was right". WTH? That irritated me a lot because he was THERE and had them and knew I needed them to finish up stuff. How could the timing not be right? We're divorced now, just give them to me already. I didn't say that, I just responded with Sunday works best for me, he'll come over then and give me the check and the papers. I wondered if I should share that "I feel ______ when you _____ (insert behavior here) just so he knows how I feel. Then I thought it doesn't matter how I feel because he doesn't care anyway. As long as I get the papers Sunday then I can just be patient and let it go. It is just frustrating dealing with that because I don't understand the logic behind it, the timing wasn't right? When is the timing right for d papers anyway plus it's already done so it's not like I was going to raise a fuss or break down when he gives me the papers. I just shake my head and wonder sometimes, I guess I think too much and should just stop wondering because none of it makes sense anyway. He wanted this D so quickly I would have thought he could have just handed them over while he was here already. Once I get him off the insurance and refi the house then I won't have to see him anymore. I don't like feeling angry and bitter and am trying to work through that, I know it takes time. This kind of thing though doesn't help. I'm cutting back on my smoking now and that is going ok, at least it is something I'm in control of. That's probably why I get angry about this little thing because I know it's out of my control. Going out with a girlfriend tonight which is nice just to do something different and part of GAL. I have no expectations for his visit Sunday, although I pretty much know it will be like the previous visits which is him sitting there and not really saying much. Not sure if he feels like he has to stay or what. Really he can just drop it off and go on his way. I guess he likes to see if things are the same at the house, I know, I know, stop trying to mind read.

[T-boned]

Thanks for the book reference. I will have to look it up. I've been going through a very difficult time the last couple of weeks so I hope the book will help me.

Sounds like you are still doing good and working your way to a healthier state of being. I applaud you for that. Stay strong . . you're doing it.

[TL72*]

Hey T - i'm sorry you're having a hard time, some days are just like that. I find I am down after one of his visits. He was over Sunday and was the most normal i've seen him since January. Then you start thinking, wow maybe he's just a WAS and not an MLC but then I go back and read all the weird things he did or the way he acted and am reminded that he IS a WAS but also in MLC. It [censored] any way you look at it. I got half the papers, he forgot the dissolution agreement so he'll drop that off next time.... figures. after that I'm thinking he'll vanish and I'm not contacting him because I don't need to and it only hurts when I see him and I can't change that. The book does help because it gives you a visual of this wall that we all have to climb, shaped like a pyramid and each block of the pyramid is something to get through - for instance "anger" "grief" "denial" "loneliness" etc. There are 19. Each chapter goes into detail about each block and has questions at the end of each chapter so you can see kind of where you're at on the pyramid. I'm on the 2nd row and there's 5 rows total with "freedom" being the block at the top. They say it takes at least a year but I don't think they are including LBS in there, it doesn't talk about MLC but it is helpful just the same. You can kind of see where you get stuck on certain blocks. I know i'm still on "anger" "grief" (final stages of that) and "letting go" and then I can tell where I will be headed by the next row of blocks. You don't do them in any order, just end up touching on them all I think through the entire healing/rebuilding process. For me it is really helping. I still fall backwards once in awhile but it does seem that recovery is better if I find something to go do. Journaling has been helping me tons. Here and in a book I have, just getting the feelings out helps me sleep at night if it's running through my head like it always does. I just remind myself it's not the end of the world, feels like it once in awhile but have to keep on living. My counselor says that time doesn't heal all wounds, it's what you do with the time that heals it.

[T-boned]

Oh TL, thanks for that post. It all sounds sooooo familiar - I have been 'stuck' for the last several weeks.

IC and I just started addressing it last week. He does this thing called EMDR which involves holding a small pad 'thingy' between each thumb and forefinger which alternately pulses, like a heartbeat. Anyway, the idea is during the pulsing you just let your mind go. Seems to conjure up past life experiences that usually have some connection with what you're dealing with but from a different perspective/situation. When yo think you have something, the pulsing is stopped, you discuss the issue, then resume the pulsing which supposedly causes your synapses take a different route. This can go on for up to an hour, or less depending. A few days later you usually notice an acceptance or calmness about the thing you were so worked up about and you feel better, like you can handle it. It's weird and can be really emotional - I couldn't stop crying during my session, but the last couple days have been better - I'm not on the edge like I was last week. I think my problem stems from realizing the finality of it all, trying to cope with him no longer being in love with me, and it has me by the short hairs! But I did talk to him today and I feel okay -a little sad, but more accepting. OK, that's just tonight - we'll see how it goes the next few days.

Anyway, I enjoyed reading this last post of yours because not only could I relate, but you gave me some really good information and the advice at the end was valuable and thought provoking.

I'm sure you have heard this too, but everyone I know who has gone through this has said to just wait, it will all be sooo much better when you're done. Hard to believe right now, but I have to trust those who have been in the trenches. So we have that to look forward to.

Thanks for your support, TL. I'm here for you!
(((())))

[scooby]

I am ok with standing and waiting, but am so scared that things will be awful in the end. My H is strong minded and stubborn, and I think that will have a huge affect on it all.

Thanks for book reference. REading about all this craziness actually relieves my mind.

Good luck to everyone! We made it through another day - that is all I can say lately. Have a great night and good day tomorrow!

[TL72*]

Tboned that pulse thing sounds really intriguing! It's definitely a day by day thing, I was depressed last night I guess just because I was thinking about it. I'm always thinking about it. It is totally the hardest thing ever to accept. I can only hope to think about it less and less as time goes forward. tld - mine is stubborn too and I think he will never come back. Even if he comes out of this in a few years, he's so stubborn that way he will never admit anything was ever wrong or want to come back so I really feel like I have to let it go and IF it ever happens I can think about it then.There's always this sliver of hope in me though. Can't know the future, can't change the past, only can live in the present. Thanks for your support, means so much!!

[TL72*]

I went to my divorce group last night, there's only 2 sessions left now. I really feel good about it, so glad I went. I can tell it has helped me tremendously. The counselor told us all this nice little prayer to do and you're supposed to do it every day for 2 weeks. All you do is say "may <insert MLC'r name here> have everything good in life that I have ever wanted for myself"
that's it.. every day for 2 weeks in a row, do not miss a day or you have to start over. It is supposed to help you get rid of resentfulness. I'm going to try tonight and see if after 2 weeks it helps me with that. Reading some of the reconciliation posts today for renewed hope. Such a long hard journey this is.

[Georgiabelle]

Good for you TL! You are doing great:-)

[BrightFuture]

I did the 21 day meditation series online a couple of months ago with the theme “I want for you what you want for you”. This was for any kind of relationship, existing, or broken. I felt my resentment diminished significantly. I was feeling a lot better. It has to be done on a regular basis thought, or repeated often, because you do slide back to anger sometimes.

It helps me when I repeat this phrase.

[T-boned]

TL, you wrote: "I'm always thinking about it. It is totally the hardest thing ever to accept. I can only hope to think about it less and less as time goes forward. tld - mine is stubborn too and I think he will never come back. Even if he comes out of this in a few years, he's so stubborn that way he will never admit anything was ever wrong or want to come back so I really feel like I have to let it go and IF it ever happens I can think about it then.There's always this sliver of hope in me though."

Gosh, I think you read my mind and typed it out. Crazy how we all seem to go through and experience a lot of the same feelings and reactions. Kind of makes you feel like you ARE normal! Especially the reference to the sliver of hope. I keep wondering why I still hang on to that - does it or will it ever go away?

Sounds like your divorce group was very helpful. I really need to try that. Again, thanks for the book reference. I'm looking forward to reading it. I need something here...Thanks TL.I wish I had something to offer you.