H also kept asking me if I was going to continue to work on the M. If I wanted him to move out of the BR or leave. Said he understands that he messed up again and so if we continued would be my decision. He just kept blindsiding me with all these questions of reassurance and comments on how he not going to mess up again.
A: "I really hope you can do that this time. Actions, not words. No one is rooting for you to be able to pull this off more than I am."
Do I say what is on my heart, my mind or neither? Why am I feeling confused? Starsky!!! Where are you? How should I respond before I make this too easy for H? Yet again!
You are correctly reading what he's doing, LaPoo. I believe that over time, we really do teach people how to treat us, and your husband has learned that this "woe-is-me" thing WORKS with you, and so in his time of maximum stress he's playing his comfortable hole card. What you need to do is push it back on him, but do it in a loving (but firm and nobody's-fool) way, like a couple of the responses I suggested above.
If you want a longer response to this, say something to him like "Look, you keep asking me how I feel, but honestly, I'm not even OPERATING on my feelings anymore. I mean I feel what I feel, and I love you and always will, but frankly after the destructive decisions you've made over the years it's only your ACTIONS that I need to see right now, and I'm going to need to see them consistently over time. This really is your work to be done, _______ (H's first name), and no one wants you to succeed this time more than I do, but I really don't appreciate you pushing this back on ME. That's really not fair, and I don't accept it. This is your mess; you need to clean it up."
Thanks for the suggestions Starsky. H and I had another R conversation last night and I think I handled things okay.
First, we talked about H changing his phone number. He hesitated at first mentioning it was his business phone, he's had the same number for years, he doesn't want to lose his business contacts, etc. I told him it was his decision but it leaves the door open for OW to contact him again and how he handles that could be a determining factor on how our M progresses. A few moments of silence then H said he was going to call the carrier to find out what he needs to do to keep his contacts and get a new number.
Secondly,(expressed w/love & kindness yet firm)I explained to H that because of the recent incidents, resuming life as is will not be as easy. Both of us will need to work on the R and He will need to show acts of continued commitment. I told him that I appreciate all of the reassuring comments however I will need to see these changes through his actions on a consistent basis. He said that he understood and that is what his plans to.
Today was our 1st of 3 MC sessions for April. Pretty much explained our sitch since the bomb drop in 2012 to present. Both expressed our current feeling and what we ultimately would like to accomplish going forward. I didn't learn anything new and a few emotions rose up but I did well and managed not to cry openly.
Starsky is absolutely correct about H playing on my emotions. He knows that I love him dearly and I have a very forgiving heart. He uses that knowledge to smooth over his wrong doings. I'm working on making better decisions so I don't played over and over again. I am tired of looking like a fool.
Thanks for the suggestions Starsky. H and I had another R conversation last night and I think I handled things okay.
First, we talked about H changing his phone number. He hesitated at first mentioning it was his business phone, he's had the same number for years, he doesn't want to lose his business contacts, etc. I told him it was his decision but it leaves the door open for OW to contact him again and how he handles that could be a determining factor on how our M progresses. A few moments of silence then H said he was going to call the carrier to find out what he needs to do to keep his contacts and get a new number.
Secondly,(expressed w/love & kindness yet firm)I explained to H that because of the recent incidents, resuming life as is will not be as easy. Both of us will need to work on the R and He will need to show acts of continued commitment. I told him that I appreciate all of the reassuring comments however I will need to see these changes through his actions on a consistent basis. He said that he understood and that is what his plans to.
The rest remains to be seen.
Excellent!!!
I'm 99% sure there are ways to transfer over his contacts, either via the cloud or the SIM card. That data doesn't only exist in the phone itself.
He could also ask about call BLOCKING, but let him try to get this done first, as this would be preferable since OW could also call him from a different # to avoid the call-block.
Starsky is absolutely correct about H playing on my emotions. He knows that I love him dearly and I have a very forgiving heart. He uses that knowledge to smooth over his wrong doings. I'm working on making better decisions so I don't played over and over again. I am tired of looking like a fool.
Knowing your "Achilles heel" will help you. Practice saying things that don't allow him to deflect his own responsibilities onto you, via the Pity Card.
H has the OW number on call block for now. I did not ask if he contacted the carrier yesterday and he has not mentioned it since. I would like to see if he is going to do this on his own without any further coaching from me. I think it will give me more insight into his intentions. I'm looking for actions now.
The last few days have been work and daily routines. Im feeling really tried and need to get some much needed rest. H and I are getting along fine but not much display of love and affection this week from either of us. We seem to be co-existing. H has not been on his computer much but is still active on his zello account. He has not mentioned changing his cell number since our last conversation. This is typical of his behavior. More talk than action. I dread bringing this up again. I know I need too so I have decide on how I will bring it up.
One thing that continues to bother me is H inability to properly budget money. I touched on this last year. It was one of the things he and I talked about several times. Im mentioning it now because H recently received a credit card with a small limit and has already max it out. H also said something about borrowing money from a relative last week. I recall him saying that he did not have any money over the weekend but I ignored it cause I need him to be more responsible. Although I had some cash on hand, he did not ask me for anything. Im glad he did not ask. I get tired of bailing him out. Feeling frustrated.
He has not mentioned changing his cell number since our last conversation. This is typical of his behavior. More talk than action. I dread bringing this up again. I know I need too so I have decide on how I will bring it up.
DO NOT BRING IT UP. Once you have clearly stated a boundary, repeating it only WEAKENS it, not strengthens it!!!
Judge him by his actions (not his word promises), and proceed accordingly.
