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kat727 #2445537 04/14/14 02:06 PM
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I just returned from a spell with my H's family, and I chafe against these situations where I'm expected to act like nothing's happened, everyone acts like nothing's happened. I say, recognize that it's tough on you, get through it, and then take extra care of you. I say, when you're unsure how to be, think about it from your son's viewpoint and imagine what will be good for him on that day. I would imagine that cordial but distant yes/no, avoid interacting, is a good choice. You can always hold onto the little insults and details to vent here later, that's what I did. It does help.

I hope you stop comparing yourself to OW like there's a competition going on. You're your size and it's awesome. You're you and you're awesome. If you're competing with anyone, let it be with your own self, to be the best most well-adjusted self, with your priorities right. Size is nice, health and wellness and longevity are even better, and has nothing to do with whether OW eats tofu or weighs less. You rock, all on your own!


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
#2445787 04/15/14 02:17 AM
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Thanks for checking in on me. I have to say that while I was in the throughs of the actual divorce court I would psych my self up by pretending I was an actress in a movie. I know sounds kinda crazy, but I was in no mental state to be myself.

I can remember sitting across the table in the courtroom trying to be all cool calm collected like Ingrid Bergman or Scarlett O'Hara! My sister who came with me for support said I should have won an Oscar for my performance. When it was over I broke down in the hallway and sobbed. I was so mad at myself for that.

He was as cool and confidant as a could be! So smug and sure of himself. So selfish! The judge saw right through him. I don't think he's ever been able to look me in the eye since.

I suppose I need to study for my next role! hahaha Just being myself and true to me is really all I need. That will kill him inside for sure.

These next few weeks I'm training hard physically and staying on diet program. I'm challenged now and my D is coaching me!! Love that!

I am spinning the wheels and looking at the graduation as a great event for my S!! Perspective, right? I want to go in there with my head held high and looking like "who's that woman?!!" I refuse to let this be about X, OW, or myself. My son is very excited and I want to relish in that!

I don't want any part of the X life, nor do I want to know. I think I'm getting this now. Just need to keep my perspective.


M: 49 H: 49
S23 D24 (disabled from car accident 6 yrs ago)
M: 21yrs
BD: 1 month after D home from hospital (after 6 months)
D: 3/11/11
Moved: 10/11/11 to FL for SCI recovery
X: engaged w/OW
Joined: Mar 2013
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Ohh the ebb and flow. Feeling really bummed about the situation...he's bringing OW, his 3 sisters and his father to the commencement. S said he's ok with it and that he really likes her... Apparently I am the only one fighting this big machine.

I don't even know why I'm fighting for it anymore. I though it was my family. But it's the dream of my family. Why would God give me marriage and family and then be okay with it like it is now. I get so confused sometimes...like DB do I continue to hope and try or do I just accept what is. He's a WAS not a MLC...it is over...it was over when he shut the door. No he never turned back once.

I read my post from the other day...and I think I must be psychotic...one day so full of myself and the next I'm in tears over something I thought was real.

I'm in this forum "Surviving the Big D"...how do you survive this? I mean I'm through it! 3 years now officially not including the 8 months of separation. I don't want bitterness and anger!! I want indifference...he's the mailman!

I am in such a better place! I have worked too hard to get this far forward to backslide so much. I pray the Lord gives me a sign of the right path I am on. Its just really hard not to focus on X and his wonderful life.

I'm looking forward to the trip home and my son and family...but I dread him and his life! I question why did he have to do this? Why doeasn't it even bother him? How he can see things so differently? Where did he go ...why do I still even love him?


M: 49 H: 49
S23 D24 (disabled from car accident 6 yrs ago)
M: 21yrs
BD: 1 month after D home from hospital (after 6 months)
D: 3/11/11
Moved: 10/11/11 to FL for SCI recovery
X: engaged w/OW
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 10,326
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Who says his life is so wonderful? Quit making assumptions. It is natural to mourn what you have lost. So mourn and then move on. No he isn't coming back. I say that with certainty because you are way too wrapped up in them to even make changes that you need to make to get past this.

No body wants someone that is so reliant on them to define their own lives. Get a hopping and work on you.

kat


Me-53(and learning!)
S24, S21, D18, D17
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
kat727 #2446150 04/16/14 06:33 PM
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This is tough for everyone. You are not alone in this. I cannot tell you how to do this. I can relate what I have done and ask questions. YMMV.

My experiences have similarities to yours. She has never looked back and has professed happiness to such an extent that at times I have wondered if she is deluded or high.

I don’t know if this will help or hurt. Life is different now, it is up to you to make it better and there is no strict recipe to follow. There are a few things one can do. Try and find something to be grateful for and express gratitude. Try and start out small, for instance:

This weekend I had opportunities to spend time with my Son, his wife and my Grandchild. Given the family dynamics and my son’s work schedule this had become unusual since late January. There are many aspects of last weekend I am grateful for. I will use memories of it and express gratitude to buoy myself when I have to look hard for things to be grateful for.

I live in Northern Ohio and we’re watching spring arrive. This weekend the temp reached 80 degrees. That is the first time since last October. The spring flowers are bloom and DIL asked for my assistance prepping some flower beds. Of course GD had to be in the middle of this effort; the day prior my S and I went to a steak fry and spent some father son time together. It was the first time in 7 weeks I had even seen him and the first steak I have enjoyed in recent memory.

Yesterday there was an inch to an inch and a half of snow covering everything. The song birds seemed to have fled and the day was dreary and overcast.

This morning I paused during the walk between house and car to appreciate a robin calling out his territory hoping for a mate. At lunch today I treated myself to a walk outside in the sunshine, temps in the 30s and heard a bird I could not identify warbling its spring call.

What have you experienced that you can be grateful for? What can you make happen?

Recently a friend asked me how life had changed and what about the divorce I was grateful for. Frankly I was at a loss for words. I hadn’t thought about being grateful I am divorced. I am finding this list a difficult one to populate. At the time I was only able to relate being solely responsible for all decisions.

X and I tried to make any decisions that would affect our life jointly, we ran everything jointly. I was charged with her happiness. The happier she was the happier I was. Co Dependant? You bet!

It did get me to thinking about the last few years and if I could find things to be grateful for that are a result of the divorce. On my list now is “The only person I need to make happy is me”. Others are “I make all buying decisions”, “I decide how to spend my time, my money, my life”. Pretty self centric I know.

I’ll not ask you what my friend asked me. I’ll ask you to look for things that you do to make you happy.

I’ve been using endorphins, GAL activities that make a sweat. I’ve been using adrenalin, GAL and bucket list items that release adrenalin. I’ve been using gratitude like that songbird at lunch and the time spent last weekend.

The commencement bridge is down the trail a bit and you’ll cross it when you get there. I crossed that bridge several years ago. It was a little surreal, it was a little disheartening. It was not the traumatic experience I steeled myself for. Focus more upon the happier broad brush strokes when the minutia of life starts to overwhelm. Your Son loves you and his father.

Lastly if you haven’t already watched “TED talks” find them on the web, U Tube, or Netflix. I find there are gems to be uncovered in most of these. Over in Newcomers I have seen recommendations for the talks from Amy Cuddy and Shawn Achor.


BITS
Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55
D 30
S 27

You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
kat727 #2446153 04/16/14 06:37 PM
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Oh this crazy life! So I'm talking to someone on match.com and tah dah! he wants to meet tonight! Boost of confidence.

Kat - I get it. You're so right. I am not that victimized X wife...I want to be the one who says I'm sooooo glad I'm not married right now. I got my life together and look at how well she's doing. Not the pity party.

X is the one who will be jealous he doesn't have it all together and the freedom I have. I hope this meetup today will give me a shot of confidence and adrenalyne to catapult me out of this funk.

I don't want was is right now (X/OW)...I don't want what was...I don't want him back either...I want to just be indifferent. Any prescription pills for that one? Oh how I wish I could just open my brain like a computer and just pull out that memory card!


M: 49 H: 49
S23 D24 (disabled from car accident 6 yrs ago)
M: 21yrs
BD: 1 month after D home from hospital (after 6 months)
D: 3/11/11
Moved: 10/11/11 to FL for SCI recovery
X: engaged w/OW
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 104
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Ok so the date was so-so...never what I expect. gotta remember to lower those expections. Sweet so nice, a little quirky. But no attraction. No spark. No maybe's. But he was really into me. Felt good to get special attention. A little over the top and gave me flowers when we parted. Felt like we were being filmed for a match.com commercial. hahaha

I posted the flowers on my facebook page and said "Seriously...we just met!?" My friends are roouting for me that's for sure. At least I am setting up the persona that I've moved on and have posted very positive pictures of my life and how amazing it is...because IT IS! Life is good... just can't let X/OW get me down.

I have to think like a balloon filled with happiness and joy... the more full it is the higher above him it flies!!


M: 49 H: 49
S23 D24 (disabled from car accident 6 yrs ago)
M: 21yrs
BD: 1 month after D home from hospital (after 6 months)
D: 3/11/11
Moved: 10/11/11 to FL for SCI recovery
X: engaged w/OW
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 104
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Hi JS - I'm from northeast Ohio!! I hear from my family all the time with weather updates. Anyway...it's a pleasure hearing from you.

I know in my heart and soul I am where I'm supposed to be especially with my decision to be here with my D. He is not involved in her life. I'm sure if I stayed in Ohio near him it would be different.

AND, I wouldn't be here with D making incredible forward progress if we were still married. I still would hate to think God made me choose. Although he didn't... my X did.

I realize I have to mentally force myself to gain a different perspective. I can't agonize over the upcoming event. It's just the heart backslides into thinking we should be a family...almost sabatoging my efforts. He may or may no realize someday what the big picture will expose.

He is home alone for Easter...S is going to girlfriends family. I don't even know why he isn't with OW just that he called D all whoa is me I'm alone. I told D to invite him here...!!!! Yeah not at my place but come here to spend weekend with her (not me). She said she didn't want him to and that she'd rather do things for Easter like we always have. Would have been interesting.

I'm acting indifferent like I don't care either way but I was encouraging.

I do have to get exercising...YES it makes me feel so much better with a sense of accomplishment! I don't know why I slide backwards on everything. If ANY thing I HAVE to commit to that!

In many ways I do feel I have that "co-dependency" thing. My X always just threw out at me what a passive aggressive I was...litereally at the end. I had no idea what that even was! And btw I am NOT! Maybe some communications breakdowns but seriously to diagnose me! And then not even try to help me just quit! yeah He quit a long time ago. The OW just pushed him out the door.

Ok enough about that. I do think I still need to find a counselor in the area. Just don't know who or where to look. It seems like an undaunting task. Any advise?

Ok...so far so good...today on the high side of the rollarcoaster!


M: 49 H: 49
S23 D24 (disabled from car accident 6 yrs ago)
M: 21yrs
BD: 1 month after D home from hospital (after 6 months)
D: 3/11/11
Moved: 10/11/11 to FL for SCI recovery
X: engaged w/OW
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,239
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Yeah, NE Ohio born and raised except for a few years wearing green.

I wasn’t so much giving a weather report as using the changes to illustrate change and finding joy to focus on, carrying one through dreary periods. We all have them. Staying motivated and upbeat helps maintain a positive mindset and a positive mindset helps to stay motivated and upbeat. It is a positive feedback loop and one worth maintaining.

Quote:
I realize I have to mentally force myself to gain a different perspective. I can't agonize over the upcoming event. It's just the heart backslides into thinking we should be a family...almost sabotaging my efforts. He may or may not realize someday what the big picture will expose.

I too believe she has created strife and drama that is rising to bite her, but that cannot be my focus and I cannot wait for her to realize the magnitude of her errors.

I believe, we must make a life for ourselves independent of ties to our Xs. That is where our focus should be. That is how we move forward. We cannot wait for them. Waiting doesn’t help us or them grow. Waiting makes for stagnation and while we wait doubt creeps in tearing down the gains we’ve made.

Reflect, appreciate and rest certainly, just don’t wait. Waiting includes expectations and it is the unrealized expectations that tear at the heart.

This is my perception. I do not perceive your motivations for suggesting your X spend Easter with D were in anyone’s best interest. I apologize if that gives offense.

I whole heartily suggest embracing exercise and doing things that interest you for your betterment.

Finding a good counselor, one that will challenge and help one grow is a good path to walk while one is making changes. I obtained referrals from the EAP program at work and asked my doctor questions. I told my doctor to put the prescription pad away as I believe guided counseling was more appropriate for me.


BITS
Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55
D 30
S 27

You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 10,326
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I will give you a great measure for your progress. I got on Gineen for this for quite some time so don't feel alone. When you stop making your posts about him you will be on your way. That is not to say a once and a while comment but take a look at your posts.

So much is still about him. How you felt about or because of him and OW. Spending way too much time on the wrong people. It has been three years, that has been long enough.

kat


Me-53(and learning!)
S24, S21, D18, D17
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
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