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Originally Posted By: gabbysmom23
Originally Posted By: Scorp7
Wonka, I think I want to talk to her because I don't want to lose her without ever having even talked to her. I've changed profoundly and I'd like for her to know who she's leaving behind now, the person I've become, rather than the guy I was.

Thanks Mach, AK. I have started to see this whole thing as a chance to finally be the person I was always meant to be. I carried around a lot of baggage my whole life and only now through this situation have I let it go. I don't think I'd be the person I am not without the 'warning shot'.

Now, back to what Wonka was saying, I don't want to read too much into it, last night on my call with my kids my wife actually talked to me! She sounded like her old self. It started with me talking about the old Mickey Mouse cartoon that my wife and the kids were watching and the next thing I know my wife and I are reminiscing about when our oldest first watched the cartoon and loved it so much. This went on for at least 25 minutes. It was almost like old times again and my kids LOVED that my wife and I were talking with them. Also, I mentioned that it was my Dad's birthday yesterday and my wife suggested that she's have the kids call him which we both agreed would make his day. Very nice of her to do and it did make my Dad's day. I stuck with the DB principle of ending the contact first so I said I should let them all get back to their night together and ended the call, even though I wanted to stay talking with her for the rest of the night.

Anyway, I know it was only one call but not only did she talk to me for the first time in 6 months, she sounded and acted like the woman I've always known and loved. It felt so good to talk to her again like that.


No! No! No! Don't tell her how you have changed! Please don't do it. Telling her how you've changed is not going to make her see it and come home.

Oh my.

She is being nice because that is your weak spot. She knows you mean business now regarding the kids. Please don't pool that by getting suckered back in.

Please.



Absolutely agree ^^^^^

This is a push/pull dynamic, and you have taken back some of the power in this now, because you filed...

She IS going to try to move you from your stance now, and this is the way that she knows (or at she thinks that she knows) how to do it....

Your soft side is your weak side, and she is playing the guilt card....

I am not advocating that you aren't nice, and that you shouldn't have these interactions...

Just do not expect anything to be different because of them.

Her decision is to leave the marriage, and you...

And until she changes her mind ???

That will always be her decision....


Enjoy the time that you spend talking, just don't expect anything to change because of them....

It is these small consistent changes, over the course of a long period of time, that will pay dividends....

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Hi Scorp-

I also agree with Mach, Wonka, et al.

What is happening here is EXACTLY how this runs it's course.
She makes a statement when she leaves.
After about 7 months (in your case)you FINALLY made one back with serving her.
Her "next move" is to get the advantage back. And, like most above have noted, she's going for the weak spot that even YOU must acknowledge you have.

Kind of ironic (and I point this out for a HUGE reason) that you just finished talking about your profound changes and here you are all twisted up because she talked to you. In going down memory lane you showed her you aren't different at all.

Seriously, and this poke in the eye is tough love, how long did it take you to become the guy she packed up and moved out on? Even you stated you have this baggage you've been carrying. So, as all the threads clearly show, you did VERY little in the first six months and only started to ACT on advice here a month ago.

Honestly, (and don't take this personally as we ALL DID IT), do you really think you have made SUBSTANTIAL, PERMANENT, POSITIVE, LIFELONG, "BEST SCORP EVER" changes in 30 days????????

How long did it take for your personalities (yes, hers too) to get to the point that she left? How long did you watch your M deteriorate as you both slid further down the slope of apathy?

Of course she sounds like her old self. That's because she IS her old self!!!! AND SO ARE YOU!!!

This is a LLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG road, my friend. And I believe that the longstanding description on DB is ROLLER-COASTER.``

Back and forth; up and down; fast and slow. Exhilarating and nauseating. ALL OF IT!

I`ll take another step here, too.

Consider this-
You have had the benefit of this counter-intuitive group to open your eyes. And you are just beginning to SEE what it will take to save yourself from the apathy and misinformation that got you here. And you are only starting to make steps to ACT on it. What has she had?? Enabling assistance and support from friends and family (most of which know 1/2 the story, right?)

How different from when she left do you think she is? Close to nothing. And this is the woman who took your kids; kept it secret and bombed you with police at your home waiting for you?

THIS IS WHO YOU WANT BACK IN YOUR LIFE?????????

Harsh? Yes
Reality? Yes

I'll leave you with another analogy.

When you drive on the QE2, do you look 5 ft in front of the truck (yes, I'm sure you have one)? No, you don't. Your reactions to the road would have to be amazingly fast. You look about 150 to 200 ft down and steer at an end point, right?

This process is the same.

Look further down the road, Scorp.

You should be looking at how your kids will be when they are older because of this experience

You should be looking at where YOU want to be in order to be THAT guy who is a musician, business owner, awesome dad, great friend and amazing husband/partner to an awesome woman.

You look at that end point and work toward that.

Until you can see that the woman you are currently lamenting and missing is NOT that woman (yet, maybe never)that is right for the "Super Scorp" described above, you haven't changed enough.

That's a lot of lumber to the noggin. Done with the utmost respect and sympathy.

I can't wait for EricM to jump on this one LOL!
He'll likely throw some 2x4's right back at me HA HA HA

And, Scorp, I'm years further down this road. I'm different. But still not different enough for my "end goal"

There is WAY more to this than you currently know. We are just dealing with the current situation you are in. You haven't even started on how to PREVENT this from ever happening again.

And that is another "life-long" course- Unlearning all the bahaviors and beliefs that got you here.

FYI- I still get caught up when my ex takes a conversation down 'memory lane.' Hard thing to break. And then I realize that she is still the same woman that left. Still living in the past with the same old tendencies and patterns as before. And I saw how that movie ended. So I keep going.


Control is impossible
Detach from the emotion of this
Be your natural self
Earn back your self-respect
Assign responsibility equally
Realize this process will improve you
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Scorp,

I was more meaning that if we talked, hung out, she would start to know the new me without me ever actually saying I'd changed.

Honey, that won't happen for a long time. Your W has her Berlin Wall up and it will take a long, long time for it to come down. It took me about 8 years in chipping away at Ms. Wonka's wall. In Bond's case, his wife refused to talk with him for 3 years. Now look at him! His family is now intact and their M is going strong. Do you have this kind of patience, Scorp?

You sound like a guy who's been out in the desert for too long and when you see W being "nice" to you, all you want is to "drink" more of W which is why you are wanting to "talk" with her. What happens when the desert guy meets a glass full of cold water?! Yup, that's you. Not attractive.

It was good that you and W talked about the kids. And good job on being the first to hang up.

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Honey, that won't happen for a long time. Your W has her Berlin Wall up and it will take a long, long time for it to come down. It took me about 8 years in chipping away at Ms. Wonka's wall. In Bond's case, his wife refused to talk with him for 3 years. Now look at him! His family is now intact and their M is going strong. Do you have this kind of patience, Scorp?

I believe I can be that patient. It's always great to hear about couples reuniting. There are a lot of obstacles, to say the least, for my W and I to overcome. I am willing to do whatever it takes.


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Originally Posted By: Scorp7


I believe I can be that patient. It's always great to hear about couples reuniting. There are a lot of obstacles, to say the least, for my W and I to overcome. I am willing to do whatever it takes.


I'd like everyone following this thread to have a look at this and PLEASE chime in on this one.

Scorp-

From the bottom of my heart, I'd like to see you become a success story.

What I see in the quote above is "hope and optimism". For real life, that's a good thing.

This, however, is a 'divorce in progress'

Your "hope and optimism" is called "WEAK SPOT" and your W knows it. She's had how many years to learn your 'buttons'? Thus the conversation. She has now confirmed the buttons still work and she knows how to press them for the required result. The result she wants is you to be weak; back down and cave in for the long shot chance of reconciliation.

You MUST acquire and hold the advantage here. Only from a position of strength will you be able to see what is actually happening and ACT rather than REACT.

Otherwise you will leave both your future and that of your kids "On the table" for a desired outcome that everyone else here will tell you is a "slim to none" proposition.

And Mr Bond will be the first to admit that stuff didn't even start to change until he dealt with his W as no more than a business acquaintance. Perhaps even a competitor. Completely detach from her and your M. It is dead.

IF, and it's an IF, you are going to reconnect to your W as a relationship, it is going to be AFTER the divorce is sorted out. Maybe not signed but the sep agreement and the finances will be DONE.

You both need to know where this thing ends up so she can see how life is really going to be. And when the "Super Scorp" comes out of this with head held high; self-esteem and self-respect better than EVER; and back to being the masculine role model, then and only then, will she take another look.

And there is a lot of road to cover first.

Anyone here disagree with my point or my motives in pushing Mr Scorp this hard?

Thanks all.

I sure hope this post hits the thread before it's irrelevant. Last one still AWOL from 12:45MT this morning

AK (21:40MT)


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It's hard to imagine how things can turn around at this point. My filing for D feels like the final nail in the coffin. My W has always been very stubborn and can hold grudges for a VERY long time. It's great to hear about so many stories where couples were reunited after so many years. It feels like a dream to think the same could happen with my W and I.


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Scorp you dont need to focus in how things might change, just go with the flow, for her to have a real change, it will require more than a couple of weeks...

Focus in whats important now and believing in what she wants, thats the best way not to get confused....
She says she wants D, there she have it, now work on everything towards that because thats what "she wants" if she change her mind then you change your actions but based on solid ground, dont be a toy in her hands, otherways this is going to hurt you even more.


When the student its ready, the teacher will appear...
Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me."
Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
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My kids are coming home starting tomorrow and staying for 6 days! Can't wait!!! smile

On that note, the kids love our acreage and I know we're going to have a great time there this week. I've been thinking a lot lately that I'm going to need to sell the place and move over to my W's town and start doing 50/50 asap.


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Originally Posted By: Scorp7
On that note, the kids love our acreage and I know we're going to have a great time there this week. I've been thinking a lot lately that I'm going to need to sell the place and move over to my W's town and start doing 50/50 asap.

What????!!!!

You just managed to say two exact opposite things in the same paragraph.

Why are you so quick to cave?

What does your lawyer say?


Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
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Thanks, Drew!!!

Couldn't have said it any clearer!


Control is impossible
Detach from the emotion of this
Be your natural self
Earn back your self-respect
Assign responsibility equally
Realize this process will improve you
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