Well, I'm back. My weekend was amazing with my kids. They love me very much and they know I love them just as much. My girls have said they want me to take them home to stay. I told them they were coming home for a week next week and then after that I will do whatever I can to make sure they are with me every other week. This may mean moving to their town or driving them home and dealing with WW3.
Besides that, I did a lot of thinking about what some of you have said about me maybe not doing everything I needed to for my kids. I believe so strongly that my kids deserve to have their parents together with them that I was worried about doing anything to jeopardize that possibility. I realize now I have to set that notion aside and do everything I can for my kids regardless of my wife. In a way, I think that's exactly what led my wife to doing what she's done.
That brings me to my wife being served with D papers. It was supposed to have happened last Thursday or Friday. Apparently there was a mix up with the process server. I phoned the process server myself to see what the status was and they told me they just got the papers today from my L and that my W will be served at work tomorrow. Not impressed. My L is on a short leash after this. I don't want to switch L's right now, we'll see how the next week or so goes.
I do feel pretty sick about being the one to file for D. I believe it is totally necessary to make sure I have my kids, that doesn't make it feel any better. I keep imagining my wife being served with the papers and what that will be like.Despite all of the things that my wife has done over the last 6 months (things that I realize I allowed to happen) I still love her and don't want to hurt her, I just don't see that I have any real choice if I'm going to do what I need to do for my kids.
Me-40,W-37 D7, D5, S3 Separated Oct 3/2013 T 11 YRS M 7 YRS
Thats the greatest decission you took, its called prioritize, and I am glad you are being honest with yourself, now look at this...
Imagine your W and you are running you want to run with her but you have bronquitis...you need to recover before to be able to run with her despite how she takes this... Maybe when you recover you dont want to run with her anymore...but if you dont take care of yourself that bronquitis might kill you...do you understand?
Look at me, I am leaving NY after 7 years here, going to a new adventure and its being hard as hell here, am I scared? Yes, but I didnt abandoned the marriage and I am sick of being here and not being happy... I need other things in my life and maybe Hawaii will bring those things, whats clear for me is that staying here even if my W decides to get back with me, that wouldnt be a totally honest reconciliation....if I am happy in Hawaii and find myself, disconnect from this caos it might happen that she wants to reconcile and for sure I will be happier to then choose whats better for me!!
It gets to a point that even if it sounds weird, we have to detach and become kind of selfish just taking care of ourselves otherways there are no chances for nothing... Now my priorities are happiness and peace, relax, no attitudes from nobody and no competitivity, a more spiritual way of living and its me and only me the one who has to do that for myself, later on once I reach that level we will see what happens with the M.
You have to see the things like that as well, first you and your kids and later once you are better grounded, then you can focus on something else...
You are doing great, take care of yourself and let the universe handle the rest
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
I am so glad to hear that you had a great time with your kids! Aren't they special, eh?
Amazed to read of the mix up on the process server's part. I'm not sure if it is your L's fault entirely. I would want to hear the L's side of the story first before jumping to conclusions.
Be prepared for W to come straight out of her foxhole right at you. Put on your helmet and tighten up that chin strap! I get how you are not feeling too fine about filing for D...you gotta do what you need to get access and time with your kids.
How's GALing? Are you getting back into the music field? How's that going for you?
Besides that, I did a lot of thinking about what some of you have said about me maybe not doing everything I needed to for my kids. I believe so strongly that my kids deserve to have their parents together with them that I was worried about doing anything to jeopardize that possibility. I realize now I have to set that notion aside and do everything I can for my kids regardless of my wife. In a way, I think that's exactly what led my wife to doing what she's done.
You are starting to have the perspective shift that makes you stronger. The emotional shock (and depression) is wearing off and you are beginning to see clearly.
I found that when you have detached from the emotional bond and seeing everything she does or says as pointed at you; looking for a hidden meaning; mind reading; etc, your life shifts from ACTING rather than REACTING. And this is also when the GAL'ing starts to feel normal and deserved.
For example, and I've said this out loud to my daughter when she was as young as 3, (because she has also lamented the fact she goes back and forth weekly)"Yes, it would be nice if we all lived together but this way you have two houses; two sets of toys; two groups of friends, two birthday parties, two Christmas mornings. And that's pretty cool, eh?"
Only when you are looking after YOUR best interests (hobbies, friendships, work, YOUR LIFE!!) can you be fully present and happy when you have your kids with you. And you and I both know that when you were married, you didn't focus on your kids like you do now. Right?
I've never thought of this analogy before but consider this experience as your "first heart attack". Consider yourself lucky in that some people don't get a 'warning shot' and that you now have the opportunity and the perspective to prioritize what IS important (and that starts with taking care of YOU) and that now is the time to learn how NOT to have another heart attack.
Make sense?
Control is impossible Detach from the emotion of this Be your natural self Earn back your self-respect Assign responsibility equally Realize this process will improve you
Your doing great Scorp, so glad you had a great weekend with your kids! Keep focused, I can see your progressing & hope you can keep continuing to look inside yourself & growing.
Divorce Final: Oct 2014
Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
How's GALing? Are you getting back into the music field? How's that going for you?
It's still a work in progress. I've been pretty run down the last few weeks and my focus has been only on my kids as well as my Mom. I'm still taking pretty good care of myself, working out, doing things I enjoy. I plan to start up the band again at some point this year once I have things ironed out a bit more with my kids.
Question: Did you have a lawyer when you did the peace bond? And is it the same one you have today?
Yes, I had a lawyer handle that whole situation. I had considered retaining them for the matter regarding my family as well. In the end I found another lawyer I was more comfortable with. She only deals with family law and has a very good reputation. Both lawyers were made fully aware of the issues with my wife and kids and felt that the PB would not have a negatively impact.
Me-40,W-37 D7, D5, S3 Separated Oct 3/2013 T 11 YRS M 7 YRS
Well, it's done. My W was served with papers yesterday. The process server said she seemed shocked. For some reason she went out into her office (she was served at work) and announced to her coworkers "OMG, I've just been served.".
I haven't had any flak from her so far other than she dropped my last name from her FB account and is now only using her maiden name.
I have a feeling things are going to get much worse before they have a chance to get better.
Me-40,W-37 D7, D5, S3 Separated Oct 3/2013 T 11 YRS M 7 YRS
