Getting close to the end!!

[kenva]

I am feeling real angry and bitter today. I picked up my s for the night and he told me that this past weekend they had lunch w the OM and that he got him some toys. Really nice kick in the groin. I called my mother in law just because I needed to vent. She said maybe call w tonight and tell her how much it hurt that s told me about OM at lunch with them. And in the same sentence said her daughter is going to regret this. I also need to tell w that I can't qualify to refinance the house and my MIL said to tell her on phone not email or text. This would be a 180 from what w would expect from me instead of email. My head is spinning in all sorts of directions and I need to snap out of it to enjoy my s tonight. I also made an appointment w my DB coach for Thursday. My MIL said also she doesn't know what us right or wrong to say to her so I ask for anyone here for some input.

[Azagtoth]

I am really considering confronting OM and tell him how much of a wonderful person he is to help ruin a family. Anyone ever confronted OM ?

Kenva,

Just reading through your post. I can give you some feedback on confronting. I confronted both OM on both of my wife's EA's; one was in person & email (He was a friend of ours), the other was through FB on her account she was chatting with (exbf from past).

I will say this up front; this is not part of DB; this was a personal choice and something I had to do for ME due to MY nature; I will explain in a minute. This is not something to take lightly and I do not advise this; stick to the DB principles. Understand, I went into it as calmly as possible, but had to mentally prepare for worst case scenario; it very well could have been a physical confrontation; was not my intent but the possibility remained:

OM#1 - In Person / Email - emailed first; ensured he was abiding by my NC boundary; asked in follow-up to meet in a public place; told him I wanted to talk and bring closure; he accepted. I won't go into a lot of details, but essentially I told him he needed to stop his selfishness and think of the impact their actions was having on two families (he is married too!); the potential devastation to both, and how an honorable man he was suppose to be (he is a public figure here)was setting a bad example. Probably talked down to him like a teenager, but oh well. I could tell by his reaction he was embarrassed; wasn't expecting me to be so calm; actually agreed with what I was saying and said he never had any intentions of taking it further (whatever). I presented the evidence of their chat/text logs from my provider and asked him what he thought would happen if these fell into the "wrong" hands. He didn't have much to say but looked worried; I thanked him for his time and left.

OM#2 - online through wife's FB chat after I busted her and she agreed to NC boundary. She didn't know what to say; was too upset she had hurt me; embarrassed she got caught (again). I already had a draft; showed it to her and she agreed with everything I had written. Basically the same thing; lot's of truth dart items and he needed to take a look at their actions and the effect it would have on the families. It was my wife's decision whether she wanted to destroy her marriage or not, but until that time, he would have NC with her and not to come near my family; I would defend my family unit at all cost. His reply just before being blocked / banned...."Duly noted....it's finished" I took screen shots of everything and saved them in multiple formats.

Now, do I believe these guys? Not any farther than I can throw them. Do I trust her not to make another poor decision? Hell no! I had to invade her privacy again in order to find EA#2 & confront; not something I am proud of and hurt our trust issues even more.

So what was the point? As I said, it's a personal thing for ME; standing up for myself; showing the not just the OM's, but the wife I will not be disrespected and while she continues to live under my roof and is provided & cared for by me, she will honor her vows and the marriage; not only is it disrespectful to me, she is also disrespecting the family and her actions affects all of us, not just her and I.

Did it help me at all? Yes & No; I felt good standing up for myself, but in the end, it was bitter sweet. I gave too much thought to the OM's; rather than be indifferent disregard them as an insignificant symptom and hold wife accountable, I gave up some power base and let them know I was affected.

You can't change what has happened; it still doesn't take away the hurt. The satisfaction was momentary. The memory isn't erased. The wife understands now that I won't tolerate it, but what other message did I send her that she is not telling me or letting show? Does she feel like I am treating her like a child as well and invading her space? Probably!

Take it for what it is worth!


Azagtoth

[kenva]

Thanks Azagtoth. I have calmed down since then and chatted w My coach. I am out of town this weekend w my s and my wife's sister and husband. They have a summer home. Well I guess spring now. Looking forward to an awesome weekend. I text w today to see if she was free on the phone to talk. By the way she doesn't know I'm hanging out with her family this weekend but who cares. She's going to find out anyway. So I told her on the phone instead of emailing and texting like we have been that I can not qualify to buy the house and of course she sounded all chippery. So it went well but I still need to confront her about her friend , who is the lowest human being in the world, that it doesn't sit well with me him giving my s gifts. This is for next week and we have a co parenting appointment next week also.

[kenva]

How does someone keep their resentment level down when being so biter toward spouse ?

[MrBond]

"How does someone keep their resentment level down when being so biter toward spouse ?"

It depends what you've been doing for yourself all this time. If all you do is sit around and stew about your situation, your resentment will continue to fester and grow. If, however, you have been growing and learning, you'll see that it's not all just about you and can let go.

[kenva]

I'm keeping busy with work, enjoying my s when I have him and going out. I guess it's because May 2nd is D day. Since its getting closer it hits me every once in a while. Even tho we don't live together I have been doing good. It's tuff being alone after 17 years. I have come to realize its over but what I can't still swallow is the om. And the fact I found out that he got my s a few gifts. I have an appointment this afternoon with our co parenting therapist but I made the appointment for me. I thought about this the other day that how messed up I am to have a DB coach a therapist and being on this board. This is really tough coming down to the wire. Just praying for a little miracle.

[kenva]

51 hours to go and then DIVORCED!!! Never thought in a million years it would come to this. I know it's reality and I am ok with it. Not really. I am doing good w this this week with a few moments. I will be OK. I am more sad than anything. I have my son Friday for a few days and that will cheer me up. I wished and prayed for a better outcome, but these are the cards I was delt.

[kenva]

Just don't know what to do!! Tomorrow is the final day. I have found a storage unit to place my stuff for a while but but for some reason can't get motivated to rent it today and start moving things. Should I wait till tomorrow when it's final or go ahead and start today? I haven't slept in the last couple of days not looking forward to tomorrow but am looking forward to having my s for the week.

[willbwell]

the only way to get a job done is to do it. tomorrow will be an emotional day as well. But it is also a beginning. do what you can so that you can enjoy more time with your s.
I am very sorry to hear your news

[kenva]

First day of being divorced!! Doesn't feel any different today from last year. Other than its reality. Still sad today but I do have my s till tues. I look back and see all the hard work I have done the past couple of years from talking to my coach,friends,co parenting therapist,people here,family and even her family. And I want to thank everyone for there input. I have come to realize even tho this is still hard to swallow and now I am labeled as a divorcee that I am a better person and the better person from our marriage. I feel sorry for my ex wife, wow , got to get used to that, that she is the one that is going to miss out. She has a problem w in herself and needs help. Talking to her friends and the OM won't help her. I just wish she had come to reality that what she is living is still a fantasy. I hope and pray that the rest of you out there going thru this can have a better outcome w there relationships. I am divorced now and know that I still have a hard road ahead of me still and know that I still have to work hard at it.