Trouble letting go

[cdell01]

Any advice would be reccommended. since I have absoulutley no idea what the talk is about. if its about divorce, i dont want to over react, if its about staying together, Same thing. I have not got the DR yet and am still learning

[KenF]

just listen.

let her talk. nod when appropriate, accept responsibility when needed. dont agree to anything you dont agree with. dont disagree when she says "I feel like" - those are her feelings, she decides what to feel. if you cant formulate an answer immediately, tell her "i need to think about that, i'll respond when i can". dont get angry, dont act sappy and sad. be a man and accept your fate, and accept what you deserve but not what you dont. dont mention DB.

[Bunches]

^^^ Good advice.

Don't have expectations about this evening. Its rarely what you think it is and your reactions with expecations can only be over reacting. Be friendly and remember your validation. She will have things to say that are true to her but believe none of what you hear, it may be how she feels today but keep in mind she is on an emotional rollercoaster.

Before you meet, read Sandi's 37 rules again. They can help you keep important things in mind. Its tough to apply all 37 rules all the time but take special note of the ones you know you have trouble with and keep them in mind.

[cdell01]

Thank you for the advice. I will try and keep the 37 rules in mind. I am going to listen to her very carefully and figure out what she wants out of this. My question would be if she does ask about divorce, one of the things is no R talk. I know if she doesnt want to be with me right now, there is no one thing that I can say to change her mind, just wondering if i should put my self out there letting her know that I understand whats happening.

I am trying to make sure that she knows im not out of it without pushing her to far

[whytry]

Good luck

[MrBond]

Good luck. Be sure to validate how she FEELS not necessarily what her actions are.

[KenF]

" My question would be if she does ask about divorce,"

then you say, "i'm sorry you feel that way. i just need time to process before replying, but i will get back to you."

[cdell01]

just an update, I got off work and W texted me to see if I could talk early. I told her I would meet her at my house. we got there and it was no big deal and she was talking about a few things going on, asked how I was. She asked what this was. I basically reiterated the question back to her and she soon went on to say that she doesn't know how she can see "us" working, but she misses her best friend. i.e. me she misses talking to me and wants me to talk as friends with her.

I told her that I understand that you miss your friend, but I don't think I am quite ready for that. I miss talking to you too, but I cant be in a limbo status while you are trying to figure it out. I need to take care of me right now.

She also said that she thinks she needed this, and that I did too. I told her that I understand why she needed this but that doesn't mean that's what I want.

Not sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing but I think it went pretty well. as she was getting ready to leave she made multiple comments about how nice the house looked. I gave her a few things she left behind, and she came up and gave me a big hug.

She said a few more things and left after saying goodbye to the dog.

I know that right now she is on a high because she got a new place and has all of these friends. so I have to believe nothing that I see and 50% of what I hear.

Should I try and be her friend or would that just be her cake eating again.

Just got the book today and going to read it well this week because I don't have the kids.

[cdell01]

Just wanted to give an update. Me and my wife got into it the other day because I told her about the kids knowing that the OM bought her furniture. She of course lied about it, later back tracked and said she paid for half, which I know she didnt.

I am filing paper work because I cant take the deceit. I hate being lied to and having to be the one that wants things to work, when she is just tearing up our family. I have a great life with out her, and I am going to continue to work on myself.

I have learned alot ove rthe last few months about where I went wrong, and I am still going to read the DR because I think it will help me in future R. I wish you all the best of luck, and I hope that you can all do what makes you happy.

I know that most of you are probably in the same spot as me, trying to reconcile a marriage for maybe the wrong reasons. Go out, be with friends and family. Life will go on no matter what happens. Take care of you, and your best interests

[KenF]

theres nothing wrong with your decision. many of us have come to it at one time or another. it took me quite a few months but i got there eventually.

best of luck to you. regardless of which way you go, you can always come here for advice. we've seen it from both sides, we've been through it ourselves.

whatever you do, remember that you have to live with yourself when its all done. be someone your daughters will be proud of. and that applies to whether you file or keep trying to save your marriage.