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Originally Posted By: AnotherStander

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"Primary parent" has not been established as of yet. I will be pursuing that diligently, as I do not want STBXW to be able to uproot and relocate Daughter.


This may vary per state when it comes to 50-50 custody, but in my case there is no primary parent in the decree, we're "joint managing conservators." There is a primary residence, but that's not in the decree either, it's designated through the school district.
I am going to ask my Lawyer more about that. Originally, I was willing to let wife be the primary household. My only concern was that she didn't move my daughter away from me. Since then, STBXW has filed for welfare and the state issued me with a fairly high child support. I am contesting that, and hopefully it is not something that I will be stuck paying. However, it has opened my to the fact that I really don't want her to be named primary household. I hope to find a solution that will "motivate" her to support herself (which she had done throughout our relationship, up until days before BD), and at the same time protect myself from any possible problems.


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but I was just given notice that stbxw's lawyer decided to discontinue working with her as of this week.


Interesting. Any idea why that happened?
My lawyer suspects that he was tiring of the mellow drama, and he also wasn't happy with the "facts" she was providing him.


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STBXW requests for settlement are fairly reasonable, with the exception of asking for 28K dollars, above and beyond everything else. That is something that I just am not willing to accept.


When you're going through a D don't think like that, think like this- "is this something a judge is likely to accept?" Because THAT is all that matters, not what you are "willing to accept". What you think is fair and what your W thinks is fair are two different things. The judge will make the determination though. I don't think my final settlement with W was fair to me at all, but W thought it was fair to us both and I wasn't willing to fight for months (and pay a L for months) to dispute it. And at what cost to my health? I was in a great place before W threw the curveball of wanting more money in the 11th hour. Suddenly it was like going through BD all over again- I was stressed, not sleeping well, having trouble focusing at work, etc. So I could have fought it and aged prematurely, LOL! But I chose to give that to her, finish the D and move on with my life and I am really glad I did. I'm not telling you to roll over, I'm just suggesting you think of all these things as you progress towards a final settlement
Good advice, and I need to be cognitive of that, when we go in for mediation.


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Loneliness is the number one thing I am struggling with now.


You might read No More Mister Nice Guy, it really helped me to understand how to address loneliness. The solution to loneliness is to learn to be happy with yourself when you're alone. You can be alone without being lonely. In fact you really should learn to be happy/ content alone BEFORE you start dating, because otherwise you may end up dating for the wrong reasons.
I am going to check out that read. I have seen in mentioned in other threads. I do very much understand that I need to get my house in order before I move forward with another relationship. I have just been struggling on how to do that. The loneliness has been tough. This morning I woke up from a dream that involved STBXW and I reconciling. The dream gave me a lot of peace and comfort... until I woke up, and then it totally wrecked my day. I have had a hard time redirecting my thoughts. She has been on my mind a lot. I absolutely HATE that she occupies space in my thoughts throughout the day!

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I am at a point where I think that just getting this divorce over and done with is in every bodies best interest. I guess that means I have dropped the rope? I am not sure.


I'd say based on your post history that you're definitely getting there. There used to be a lot of anger and resentment towards W in your posts and that has largely disappeared. That's a sure sign that you're finally letting go.
I wish that I could say that I don't still harbor anger. yesterday, during our exchange with daughter, it was all I could do to keep the thoughts of smashing OM in the face and telling STBXW what I really feel about what she is doing to me. Not good :-/


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It still feels crummy, but it seems to make the most sense.


I don't think it'll ever feel "good" for any of us, but sometimes it feels "right". And if it feels right, then proceed without regrets.
It still doesn't feel right to me. I don't think it ever will. I just think the whole thing is wrong on every level.


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SP

Originally Posted By: sp
However, it has opened my to the fact that I really don't want her to be named primary household.

If that is what is best for the kids, then go for it. If you are doing so that you do not have to spend more on support – then I believe that is the wrong reason to secure primary residence.

Originally Posted By: sp
I hope to find a solution that will "motivate" her to support herself (which she had done throughout our relationship, up until days before BD), and at the same time protect myself from any possible problems.

Not sure what you can do to “motivate” her. If she chooses not to work, then I suspect your attny will argue this in court.

Originally Posted By: SP
I absolutely HATE that she occupies space in my thoughts throughout the day!

Then keep your thoughts on something else. Hobby, working out, anything but her.

Originally Posted By: sp
I wish that I could say that I don't still harbor anger. yesterday, during our exchange with daughter, it was all I could do to keep the thoughts of smashing OM in the face and telling STBXW what I really feel about what she is doing to me. Not good :-/

IMO, you are going to be angry for a while. What you do with the anger is the important piece. You could sit around and think about punching people in the face OR you can use the anger to keep you razor focused on what you need to do for YOU.


"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter".
"Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!"
"Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
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I am not wishing to have primary household, for financial reasons. My worries are based completely on Daughters best interests. I wish to be very involved in her life. She needs a stable home environment. STBXW has moved several times,in the last year and a half. She has lived in 3 different school districts. She has also jumped feet first into a commited relationship, with a man she met only 5 months after we split. I just don't think that is responsible parenting, and I worry about the choices stbxw might make that will impact daughters life. THAT pattern was already set in place with stbxw's own up-bringing. Her mom has been married 5 times and has relocated all over the place. Without getting too into it, she is a poor example of a "real" parent. stbxw always expressed that she wanted to break that cycle, but in the last year and a half she has been following right in her moms footsteps. I want my daughter to have a healthy, stable home....that she can still consider a home 2, 5, 10 years from now.


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SP,

I would think you need to separate parenting from moving. From what you say ^^^, then all military brats are unstable people! They move more than regular Joes. Right?

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Here is that list of 10 things I would like to do

1) lose more weight and improve my fitness. I have recently returned to the gym, and I have started dieting. I feel great, but I want to look and feel a whole lot better. My ultimate goal is 30 pounds

2) I want to do more fun things with my daughter. I would like to find some activities that we both share in and enjoy. We went camping this weekend and had a great time, things like that!

3) I wish to build a bigger circle of available friends, more "single" friends I guess you could say

4) I want to improve my financial situation. Doesn't everyone?

5) I would like to do some home improvement projects. that is where #4 comes into play. MONEY!

6) I want to live and eat healthier

7) I want to be happy with myself, but I would also like someone to share my happiness with.

8) I want to get more involved with my family business.

9) I want to find that "balance" between work and fun

10) I want to feel confident, content and fulfilled. I just don't know how.


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Originally Posted By: Wonka
SP,

I would think you need to separate parenting from moving. From what you say ^^^, then all military brats are unstable people! They move more than regular Joes. Right?

I get that Wonka. Although, I did not mean that it makes the kids unstable. There are lots and lots of very stable people that live and function in highly unstable environments, but I get your point. I have a handful of military in my family, and it is something I am completely aware of. I will say a couple things about it though. First and foremost, there is a difference between a "together" military family and a divorced military family. I've seen both sides of it. A "together" military family literally stays together as a family unit. Granted, that isn't as bad of a deal for the kids. But with divorced transfers, there is a HUGE amount of family connection that is lost. The same holds true for my situation. If stbbxw decides to move, I can not ask for a transfer. My life is here, with my business, my home and my family. It would be very difficult for me to leave, just so that I could relocate to wherever stbxw chooses to live at that point in time. That is my biggest concern, that there will be a geographic separation of my daughters family. I hope that makes sense. On a final note. Yes, I do think that the military life of relocating and uprooting children is very challenging for them. I have a cousin who just recently transferred. His daughters relocated all the way across the country, from Washington D.C. to the Pacific Northwest, leaving their friends behind. Now, they get to start over building emotional connections with new people. They have done this their whole lives. At some point, they will have to leave these people as well. I don't care what anyone says. It is BRUTALLY tough on them. Every Army Brat I know HATES that part.


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Mediation is happening this week, and I am a nervous wreck about it. Does anyone have some pep talk or advice they care to offer me?


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How's it going?

When I'm a nervous wreck about something, it helps me to sit quietly with my fears and figure out what exactly I'm afraid of, and how exactly it would be worse than what I'm already experiencing (and handling). This gives me a sense of competency that I can handle the worst that can be thrown at me.

Then I think about what I need to keep top of mind. For example, given that you're going to mediation, what is your top priority and is it realistic and reasonable? What are your negotiables? Know yourself well before you go in and you will be fine.

Also, I don't know if this will help you, but it helps me. I think of something I was a nervous wreck about in the past, and how I don't even really think about it much anymore. Telling my kids we were splitting was horrible in the anticipation and horrible in the execution, but we all got past it and now it is history. Everything passes, time moves on. Let your mind leap over this for a little break in the anxiety, to imagine it being in the past...which will be soon.


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6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
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Great advice, Advina. Thank you for chiming in. We haven't started mediation yet. We are set to go in for the first go-through on Thursday. I am keeping my fingers crossed that we can get some resolution. I have been out of sorts, stressing over the fact that we are so far off from our wishes and expectations regarding the split. Her wants, my wants, and our willingness to negotiate is going to be a big obstacle. We aren't negotiating over much, literally primary household, child support/settlement and just a few household items.

I have been wound sooo tight, that I phoned and went off on STBXW today over something fairly trivial. A friend of mine notified me that OM has my daughters picture as his main profile photo on facebook. That wasn't acceptable to me. Before I thought about the outcome, I lashed out at STBX over the phone. I thought I had grown and moved away from doing those sorts of things, but there I went again....so discouraging. I did follow up and apologize, but that didn't change what I had already done.


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Today is a big day. I am feeling the pressure between what is fair and what isn't. I have been trying all morning to keep myself upbeat and positive. It feels like this is still so very wrong, at least on many levels. But, I know it is needed. I broke down this morning, so I guess I never realized how difficult this part was going to be. Didn't see that coming. Wish me luck.....


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