To be honest Sandi I have forgiven her for her A. I am struggling more with how strange and distant she has become since all of this started. I really miss the girl I was in love with, I don't even really like who she is now as she is not my wife. I don't need or expect an apology for me to accept her back but I can only get back with the real her and not this alien she has become. I realise that may never happen, hopefully C will help her but it may help her decide completely that there is no way back. She has admitted she is confused etc so I know she needs this but I can no longer help her or worry for her as I have myself and my boys to worry about. I will give our family the best Easter weekend ever, then it is over for me and she can get on with 'finding herself'. I will get on with my life the best I can and hopefully time will heal my pain.
"I don't need or expect an apology for me to accept her back but I can only get back with the real her and not this alien she has become."
You still don't get it. Part of the reason she did what she did and who she is as a person now is due to how you treated her before. All the wishing that she see a C, or whatever isn't going to do any good if you're the same.
If you truly say you've changed, this has to include you understanding your role in getting her to what she's doing and not expecting her to change because you want her to.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
It is natural to question your ability to follow through on divorce busting strategies on your own. In order to gain clarity and control of this situation, I strongly urge you to seek the help of a Divorce Busting Coach. Using the Last Resort Technique with the help of a coach can make a huge difference in the process. I am happy to discuss our coaching program. Call me at 303-444-7004
Roberta, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 Roberta@divorcebusting.com
I really do get it I spent most of MC explaining and acknowledging my role in this and accepting that I had caused her to be unhappy. But there are so many things that she has done since we split that were totally unneccesary and completely out of character. Such as her completely distancing herself from our boys and messing around with married guys and many things I haven't even mentioned. I know I can have no say over what she does and I intend to detach from now on but my contribution to the breakdown is now on record and I have accepted it totally. I am just saying that none of it explains her erratic behaviour, especially regarding our sons,they are blameless so while she might be fully expected to exclude and break from me she should still want to be a mum to them. I can only say that it isn't just me who sees the strange behaviour in her, it is lots of other people including her friends who are increasingly concerned for her. I know it appears that I have been some sort of control freak in all of this but that really isn't the case, I have been completely emasculated in all of this as she has totally called the shots in our marriage for years. She decided where we went on holiday, what we spent money on and so many other aspects of our lives. I agreed and went along because I loved her and believed thats what loving husbands did. I had my faults, lots of them, but the bottom line is that she decided ( she has made this clear) that all of a sudden she began to dislike the fact that I was 50 and so much older than her. This guy was younger, more attractive and when she started working fulltime, always there and she fell for him. Only after that and when the damage was done did she begin to question everything and decide it must be that she was unhappy. She has already said she wasn't really unhappy but not really really happy. But marriages need work and she has made no effort to address any of our issues. I am prepared to do whatever it takes to fix things, including examining myself and changing everything I need to so that I can be a better husband. I am going to do it anyway, with or without her.
"...that were totally unneccesary and completely out of character."
You're still not getting it. It was necessary TO HER. She felt that she had to do what she did for whatever reason. It's not up to you to decide what she should or needs to do.
"Such as her completely distancing herself from our boys and messing around with married guys and many things I haven't even mentioned."
Did you read what I wrote earlier? It explains why she may have had the need to do that. You're choosing not to listen to that.
"I am just saying that none of it explains her erratic behaviour,"
Yes it does.
"especially regarding our sons,they are blameless so while she might be fully expected to exclude and break from me she should still want to be a mum to them."
Why? That's not for you to decide. Something happened to her that made her want to remove herself from them and you. Only she knows the reason why or maybe she doesn't.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I fully accept that maybe she doesn't I completely understand that she may have no clue why she is behaving as she is. I accept it. I really don't know what else to do,she has ripped my heart out and trampled all over it, I don't believe that I deserved any of that but I've accepted it. Is there a point at which I can be cut some slack here? I have given up everything and am trying my best, what else can I do???
Practically the only thing you're doing right now is looking for affirmation for the ways you are feeling.
And you could probably find quite a few people who could provide affirmation, by either being sad with you, or mad with you, or having your back and telling you that "no, you didn't deserve any of that", or telling you that they can't believe she would leave her boys, etc. Any of that. Maybe you already have some people providing such affirmation.
But affirmation won't bust a divorce. The slack you're seeking won't bust a divorce.
Right now, you are still stuck in the phase where you are being shocked by all of this. You are still shocked this happened to begin with. Then when you think about her messing around with married men, you get even more shocked. Then when you think of the other things you haven't mentioned I think you get even MORE shocked. Then when you think of how she is distancing herself from her boys, I think you are shocked to an even greater level than that.
Think of other times that YOU have been very shocked (over unrelated things). What are a person's natural reactions to being shocked? Anger, sadness, panic, confusion, disbelief, to name a few. So what do people often do as they're experiencing these reactions? They look for others to cope with in order to get them through the shock. I think that's what you're looking for here on this site more than you might realize, even though I would say first and foremost you are seeking an answer to solve the problems you're facing.
But simply coping with the shock and hoping others will cut you slack is fruitless in terms of actually solving the problem. Cutting you slack WON'T solve the problem.
The DB principles give you tools to solve the problem, but you have to get over the shock first and all the panic and despair that go with it. Right now you are not calm enough or thinking clearly enough to apply the principles.
You need to accept the new reality of your life, that being, your wife is not the woman she once was. And yes, she can and did do all the things that shocked you. She will likely do more things that could shock you, but only if you let them.
Accept all this as fact instead of treating it like a bad dream.
I wish you well.
You are shocked at the very notion that she would sleep with married men.
In your last post, you said "I don't really know what else to do" and "what else can I do??
M-34 XW-32 D-7 Found OM's presence 4/09 Separated 12/09 Divorced 8/10 GREAT relationship as coparents since 8/10
You can disregard the last 2 sentences at the bottom of the previous post, those were draft thoughts I had prior to finalizing the post. Hopefully the paragraphs above conveys those thoughts better.
M-34 XW-32 D-7 Found OM's presence 4/09 Separated 12/09 Divorced 8/10 GREAT relationship as coparents since 8/10
Thankyou for that post Grocerykartman I think you are right that I have been looking for affirmation, I suppose I have been wallowing in self pity for a while and its a natural way to deal with it I suppose. I also agree that resentment has built up but I am concious of that and am trying to distance myself from that feeling as I know it is counter-productive. I guess my overwhelming feeing for a while now has been one of sadness and grief over the loss of the girl I was in love with and I am trying to find ways to demonise her as she is now to help me cope with the fact that she has changed, possibly forever. I know that needs to stop and that I must fully accept who she is now and let her get on with her life without judging. I have said to her that I don't care what she does with her life providing it doesn't adversley affect the boys, I would have though that was just boundary setting but maybe I have got that wrong. I never ask her now what she has been doing or where she has been going, in fact so much so that she has started to volunteer the information anyway, but I just smile now and say ' oh thats nice' We will be spending a lot of time together over the Easter break and I am using it to show her that I have changed in many ways.But I don't expect anything to change with our sitch and am going into full LRT after the break. If there is anyhthing else I can do I would appreciate feedback.
