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ye21 #2446496 04/17/14 07:37 PM
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AndyK, my attitude is that to show my love and respect for my W, I will leave her alone and give her the time and space she needs. I cannot help her with her journey. And because I love her I will only contact her once a day to ask how the kids are. No contact or talk about us unless she initiates it.

Does my example make sense? I know it is hard and takes more practice than anything else you have probably tried. There is no quick fix, you have to work at it constantly or it will never come.

Also read the Livestrong article on lovingly detaching. Google it and read it. I printed it out and found it helpful to carry with me in times when I need to remind myself of my ultimate goal and what it takes to get there.

This is possible, but only through hard work.


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
ye21 #2446520 04/17/14 08:36 PM
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The hardest part of all of this now is that she really seems serious that our marriage is over.
If I even show anyting that suggeste the contrary she jumps on it and makes it clear.
I suppose I really have to GAL and let her go, so unneccesary as we had a good life and as she said last night, she wasn't really unhappy.
So pointless...

AndyK #2446566 04/18/14 12:11 AM
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Sorry, I was gone most of yesterday and today.

So how was her mood after the C session? Are you still planning to spend Easter together?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Her mood hasn't changed at all Sandi
she seems to feel exactly the same but my counsellor has agreed to see her on her own for a few weeks at her request.
she did say something at the end of our session which was interesting.
When we were both asked about how we felt I said my bit and then she said the following.
'I am neither happier or less happy since we split. Sometimes I sit in my apartment alone and think, this is s..t, other times I am calm and serene. But my head is all over the place and I dont know what I'm thinking sometimes'
so at least its clear she is not herself, she was normally a very determined, organised and self disciplined girl who knew exactly what she was doing.
I don't know whether that girl wil ever return.
We are still doing something over easter but I am using it as a last trip for us as a family. After that I am going full LRT, its the only thing left for me.

AndyK #2446659 04/18/14 11:36 AM
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I think LRT is a good idea. It will help you detach and get some clarity as well.

Just let her marinate in her confusion.

AndyK #2446749 04/18/14 04:44 PM
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Was anything said about her involvement with OM? Did she admit to any part of the breakdown of the M, or were you the fall guy?

I don't see what was accomplished in the session.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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I was pretty much the fall guy.
I was only when I voiced my frustration about nothing coming back from her that it even came up.
She said she regretted the way things happened and that she would have done things differently.
She stated that it fizzled out with him weeks ago and that he was no longer a factor.
Still no remorse or proper aplogy, just using my faults to try and justify why she strayed.

AndyK #2446761 04/18/14 05:19 PM
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Again one of her friends approached me today.
She expressed her concern for my W and said she it seemed that my W was distancing herself from a lot of her friends and was really worried about her state of mind, especially with her indifference with the boys.
She met my wife the other night and said felt that she didn't even recognise her and that she seemed to be behaving quite erratically.
She asked me how I was coping and I said that I was moving on with my life as my W had made it clear it was over, this really shocked her as she said she saw none of this coming ever.

AndyK #2446802 04/18/14 08:54 PM
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Remorsefulness isn't an automatic when the A ends. I remember telling my H something similar to what your W said, which didn't mean a thing to him b/c he could tell I was not sorry about my involvement with OM. It took me a really long time before I could tell him I was sorry.....and I was actually praying that I would feel remorseful b/c I knew it was necessary in order to get back to being "me" again. I couldn't get my heart right with the Lord or get my feelings back for my H until I was sorry for what I had done. That may sound strange to some people, but that is my personal belief.

I only tell you this b/c I have wondered how long a person could go feeling no remorse.... when they didn't have the guidance/support (DB Board) that was given to me. If they continue to live their wayward lifestyle and don't wish to R the M, they will be looking for the next A.

Piecing is hard, and I don't know how it is even possible if the WAS is not remorseful and the LBS is not forgiving. That is not to say that some WAW's who have been in an A won't agree to go back to the LBH. And many men are so focused on just getting the W back, they overlook the fact she does not feel sorry for cheating on him.

I hope this C can help your W.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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"Still no remorse or proper aplogy, just using my faults to try and justify why she strayed."

Don't hold your breath for this. Remember, she said the M is done so she doesn't have anything to apologize for. Don't hold onto that. Instead concentrate on creating a positive atmosphere.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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