Take a hard look at your real motivations. Is Easter really about the boys or is there more to it? If Easter is truly about the boys, then make it about the boys and stop wondering what it will do to your wife or your marriage. If there is more to it, accept that no matter what happens, its not likely to cause any drastic changes in your situation either way.
WAS's need to lose something before they reconsider - especially when an affair is involved. You are not letting her feel the loss that her decisions will ultimately result in.
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
You will get confusing, conflicting advise telling you that these are for you, not to "manipulate" or whatever.
It says right in the DR book to do 180's, GAL and "be mysterious." Then check WAS reactions, if any, to your changes. Then, keep doing what works, stop what doesn't work.
So, yeah…these things kinda are for WAS benefit as well as your own.
I think a good 180 would be to cancel the Easter thing.
I think you have to be a little careful with this train of thought. Yes, you are hoping that the changes cause the WAS to reconsider. However, since you have no control over that, if you approach these changes with that goal in mind, there is a change you will fail. If you make the changes you want for yourself, you cannot fail.
With respect to changing to what works and stop doing what doesn't - you have to stay true to yourself with these changes. If you can't live your changes because they aren't really you but were just done to lure the WAS back, there is a pretty good chance you will ultimately revert and be right back in the same position.
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
Ok here is my thinking on things as it stands. If I'm honest I am very wary of her motivations but I still crave her company. I do believe that much of this is about her not wanting to be alone over Easter. And my acceptance of it is based on me struggling to properly detach especially now and because Easter has always been a special time for us as a family. I am going to try my best to demonstrate to her what she may be losing by ending this marriage. I intend to subtly show her how much I have changed as a person but fully accept that it may make no difference. I can only go on my gut instinct on things and right now it says I should see how this goes. I have really began to trust my gut lately even though I haven't always acted in accordance with it. She really does seem diferent at the moment and I want to see where this goes although I fully accept that it will probably go back to normal after the Easter break. I am going to MC with her tomorrow night but intend to say very little as I just want to listen. I think it's time I start trying to understand exactly why she left and for me to do that I really need to start listening and trying accept my faults in all of this.
"I think it's time I start trying to understand exactly why she left and for me to do that I really need to start listening and trying accept my faults in all of this."
This is what you should have been doing since Day 1.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
'This is what you should have been doing since Day 1.'
So do you mean the Day 1 when we stood in our kitchen and she blew my world apart by admitting she was sleeping with a 24 year old guy. The Day 1 when she said she couldn't give it up and that I was never meant to find out. The Day 1 when she made it clear the only way forward was for me to accept the affair until he was gone in two weeks and then we could start looking at our marriage and working on things? The Day 1 when he eventually left after two weeks when I knew she was sleeping with him but had to accept it or lose everything but thought, ok maybe now we can start again. The Day 1 when I asked her for the 3rd time since she promised to end contact why she had called him again. The Day 1 when she said she needed to 'find herself'and was moving out despite promising to work at things together once he was gone. The Day 1 when she suggested I take over full time care of the boys and she started dating other guys ( after only having left 3 weeks previous)
I hope you see my point. I only joined the forum at the end of March and there has been so many very painful things that had happened before I did. I have been in hell and it's only now that I am able to start thinking clearly by reading and learning and trying to truly understand what caused this. During that time I have begun to realise that I had a huge part to play in it. I am willing to shoulder whatever blame is thrust on me for how we got here as I sure there is lots. But please don't tell me that I should have known this from Day 1. You have no idea how much she has done in between that I haven't even mentioned on here as it happened before I joined. I get your 'tough love' approach but I think yoiu need to see the whole picture before passing judgement.
Yes I do and it's a childish point. For someone who claims to be intellectually superior to his spouse, you haven't been acting that way.
I said that you "should have been doing that since Day 1" which refers to the idea that you should have tried understanding 'why' and 'what caused your situation' since that time. Plus you should know that what I said was merely a figure of speech and not literal Day 1.
"During that time I have begun to realise that I had a huge part to play in it. I am willing to shoulder whatever blame is thrust on me for how we got here as I sure there is lots."
That is what I was referring to.
"But please don't tell me that I should have known this from Day 1."
Again, that's not what I said. Go back and read it again in case you missed it.
"You have no idea how much she has done in between that I haven't even mentioned on here as it happened before I joined."
You don't need to. I and others have been there and done that. We get it.
"I get your 'tough love' approach but I think you need to see the whole picture before passing judgement."
This is a laughable statement. In fact, what happened in my situation makes yours seem minor in comparison. I don't preach "tough love". I was merely pointing out that in the beginning you refused to take any responsibility for your current situation. All I did was repeat and bring out issues that your W probably mentioned to you before. No tough love there. It was just pointing out what you didn't or didn't want to see.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Admittedly I probably did misinterpret what you meant by Day 1 but it has been very tough for me. I don't know your stitch so I can't compare and I guess if you were able to save your marriage I should listen. There is a lot of confusion in my head right now and I move from despair to anger in a very short space of time and find it hard to rationalise things sometimes. Hopefully I can follow the advice on here and get my life to become normal again. I really miss normality.
So can I ask Is it advisable to go on these outings with my wife, considering it would be difficult to back out now How should I play it? Also in MC tonight is my plan to just listen the best course?
