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#2445720 04/14/14 10:32 PM
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AndyK Offline OP
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It looks like my thread is locked so I'm continuing her
Link to last thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...693#Post2445693

Anyway
Mr Bond/Sandi

You both seem to be well respected members of the forum based on my reading of the various threads over the last few weeks.
But I seem to be getting slightly conflicting advice and was hoping I could get some clarity.
Sandi, you are telling me to stick strictly to LRT which makes senses to a large degree although I'm pretty bad at it so far and keep making schoolboy errors.
Mr Bond, you are saying similar things but on the Easter outing are advising me to go.
I want to give my marriage every chance of working, I really do, I am just unsure of how I should proceed.
Any help would be greatly appreciated

AndyK #2445726 04/14/14 10:46 PM
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That's still CONTROL on your part. You can't control what she does which, in effect, will affect your kids. Essentially you're saying that you're going to hold the kids hostage if you feel that she's doing something that YOU don't feel is right.

That was one of the things that drove her away in the first place. I'm not saying to not establish rules, but you can compromise with her on that.

"Mr Bond, you are saying similar things but on the Easter outing are advising me to go."

You had already invited her so there's no sense to go back on that. Since you're going out, you might as well make it the best experience you can and slowly introduce her to the new and improved you.


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Death, yet a new life.

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About those 180's:

You will get confusing, conflicting advise telling you that these are for you, not to "manipulate" or whatever.

It says right in the DR book to do 180's, GAL and "be mysterious." Then check WAS reactions, if any, to your changes. Then, keep doing what works, stop what doesn't work.

So, yeah…these things kinda are for WAS benefit as well as your own.

I think a good 180 would be to cancel the Easter thing.

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"You had already invited her so there's no sense to go back on that. Since you're going out, you might as well make it the best experience you can and slowly introduce her to the new and improved you."

I say Bingo to that statement by Mr. Bond. I wouldn't back out at this point. Just have a decent holiday without ANY expectations, arguments, pressure, relationship discussions, anything like that. Keep it strictly parental. Be civil with each other and make the day about the kids.

Right now I'll bet this seems like it will be the longest week of your life waiting for Easter and waiting to see how well you cope during the holiday. But take a step back and realize, that, this time next week, Easter will be over and you will be able to continue learning how to DB without the pressure of getting through the holiday. Metaphorically, this Easter is a 5 second clip of a 3.5 hour movie. Don't put any stock into it if you have a respectable day with her, just hold your head up high because you're attempting to show your kids a nice Easter.


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AndyK Offline OP
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I didn't invite her she was the one who suggested we do something over the easter break together. I hadn't made a decision until after last Sunday and our day out.
based on that I then thought it would be ok as it had been a very good day and I was more relaxed about doing it again.
it is about the boys as I know they need both of us at the moment. I will be taking them away abroad for two weeks in June for what was to be our dream holiday and unless things take a major change she won't be going. I know this bothers her and maybe she is trying to show that we can spend time together. I still think theres more to it though

AndyK #2445910 04/15/14 06:17 PM
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Things are getting weirder and weirder.
From someone who wanted to spend no time in my company a few weeks ago this is on the agenda over the coming week.

Wed night:
She has asked to come to MC with me, I haven't asked her why as we haven't had any R discussion at all for a few weeks.

Easter Sunday:
She will have the boys Sat night thru to Sunday.I asked her what her plans were for the rest of Sunday, she said she had none. I said I was planning a Easter dinner for me and the boys and she was welcome to join us ( she has refused invites like this dozens of times) she accepted straight away.

Easter Monday:
We will have a full day together with the boys.

Easter Tuesday:
We will do something again with the boys.

Now this is a total shift from her.
I have been quite disciplined in the last week or so by asking her nothing and being calm and pleasant around her. I have also only responded to her calls or texts, I have intiated nothing.
Now I don't know or even think she is changing her position in any way but it's definitely a change in attitude in some way.
I'm waiting for the volatility to return any moment though..

AndyK #2445917 04/15/14 06:53 PM
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So how did it change so quickly from just one day together to several? I thought the whole point was to make yourself not so dependent on her? Or at least that's how it sounded yesterday.


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Passion, yet serenity.
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Death, yet a new life.

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That was the plan, I asked what she wanted to do on our planned day together. She started going thru each day and made suggestions. I am baffled by her behaviour as she is normally avoiding contact but now seems to be actively encouraging it.
She seems keen to spend a lot of time with us when before it was the opposite. Just not sure how to approach it but focusing on the boys seems the best approach.
She asked me if I had decided about Sat nite but I said I was going out. She just said ok and that was that.

AndyK #2445932 04/15/14 07:19 PM
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Andy, I'm not up to date on your sitch, but I can tell you that my WAW went through the same thing. We had barely any contact Oct- Dec, then come Jan she started to make plans to do things as a family almost every weekend. I took that as a positive sign, only to discover she was cake eating while her R with OM heated up. I don't say this to discourage you, just would encourage you to go slow with it regardless of her intentions.



AndyK #2445933 04/15/14 07:20 PM
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But they were just "suggestions". You gave in and agreed to them all.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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