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#2445596 04/14/14 05:08 PM
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I have been taking a little break from the boards, just trying to offer support here and there, but not posting too much on my own thread. Thought I'd just do a quick update.

Things are going well with GALing and kids. Still working on myself in IC. Exercising, having lunch/coffee/drinks with friends, etc. I took the kids to Florida for spring break and we had a great time hanging out on the beach, roasting s'mores over a bonfire, fishing (we didn't catch anything but my kids each got to drive the boat!). My S8 threw out the first pitch at an MLB game last week - he ran out to the mound, wound up, and threw a strike all the way to the plate. I was so impressed with his confidence even through all this turmoil. His birthday was yesterday and we had a fun time, despite H's absence. Both kids started therapy - D9 doesn't want to talk but it's obvious there is a lot going on underneath so I hope she does open up eventually.

H continues to make this D as difficult as humanly possible (most recently depositing his paycheck into his own separate account, leaving me without enough money to pay the bills), while still blaming me for everything and taking responsibility for nothing. He fights me on almost every issue, and insists on hiring expert witnesses because he thinks they will help him "win," then complains about how much money we are spending on legal fees . . . all my fault, of course. He says that (b/c I filed), I am making him miserable - according to him, he is watching his career, professional relationships and life savings all get flushed down the toilet and he is very angry with me about it. I won't go on about all the crap he says; suffice it to say that if my H nicks himself with his razor when shaving in the morning, it is most likely my fault.

I still have trouble getting upset when I get the manipulative, accusatory, blaming, BS emails from my H, but I have figured out a few ways to help keep me on track. Now when I get an email from him, I print it out and promptly cross out all of the non-factual information with a sharpie. Then, whatever is left is what is what I need to respond to. Unless it has to do with kids day to day stuff, I generally forward on to my lawyer.

We started a new parenting time schedule, only because I reached out to him to offer him more time with the kids (he was content refusing to agree to any of my proposals giving him more time, and then accusing me of refusing to let him see the kids - ??). This is the first week they will be with him 4 nights. M, W, F, and S. Both kids have expressed concerns about it (D9 thinks she spent enough time with H before, and doesn't want to increase it, and S8 is concerned that he will miss me too much), so we will see how it goes.

My H hired a PRE (well, we jointly hired a PRE - it was on his insistence but we wanted to have a say in who was appointed), so we will now have to go through that whole invasive process. I have done a lot of soul searching, as I think that it will be expensive (about $15k), but worse, I think it will be hard on my kids, not to mention on me. But, I still feel strongly that my H should not have 50/50 parenting time with them, so I will go forward with it.

On the plus side, my new convertible has reached port in Oxnard, CA, and will soon be on a truck headed toward CO! The grass is green, the days are longer, I am going to bring out my patio furniture this week. Baseball is in full swing, summer is coming, and all of that makes me H-A-P-P-Y!

Our permanent orders hearing for our D is set for July 1/2 (oh yes, my H is being so antagonistic that we had to set a two day trial - ugh). I am hoping that once that is done, I can enjoy the rest of my summer. My L tells me that my H isn't likely to get any nicer after the D is final (esp. if he does not get what he wants), but at least he won't be texting me asking if he can come pick up a particular set of coasters, and blasting me for "unfairly" splitting up baseball tickets, etc.

6.5 months out from BD. I am much stronger now. I am really getting used to living here without my H. I feel more myself than I have been in years - I have my confidence back (for the most part, I still don't entirely trust myself), and I have been able to be there for my kids (be strong for them, have fun with them, and help them to adjust as best I can), which is the most important to me. Still i have a lot of grieving left to do. I will need to get a job soon and I am not sure where I am going with that. I will almost certainly need to sell the house and move somewhere new, so that is scary and sad for me. I feel that my life is still a mess, but not an out-of-control mess. I have my work cut out for me, so I will continue to march along, one foot in front of the other. And hopefully I will look up one day and realize I am right where I want to be. smile


me: 44 XH: 42
M 11 years
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Bomb drop 9/27/13
D final 7/1/14
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Hey M!!!

You're sounding much stronger these days and it's to be celebrated. I'm real proud of you, baby. laugh

Now, you went ahead and had a bonfire without inviting me??! Gotta fix that.

I think, as you well know by now, the key is to let your L handle D and financials on your behalf. You are in good legal hands here. I like your L. Your H doesn't realize nor see that all of the "damage" is mostly self-inflicted. What a silly, delusional man. The consequences will be what life will teach him after D is finalized.

I still have trouble getting upset when I get the manipulative, accusatory, blaming, BS emails from my H, but I have figured out a few ways to help keep me on track. Now when I get an email from him, I print it out and promptly cross out all of the non-factual information with a sharpie. Then, whatever is left is what is what I need to respond to. Unless it has to do with kids day to day stuff, I generally forward on to my lawyer.

Like!!! What color is your Sharpie?! laugh

As for your new car, I wanna ride in it after my turn comes around as I understand that the sign-up list is quite long. I think Bets is right after me!! PLLLLFFFFFT!

In regard to finding work, I am hoping you're out networking now. No time like tomorrow to do this. This way your landing after D is finalized will be much softer and easier since you'll have work lined up.

Yep, life is full of transitions and it can be scary at times. I recall how I felt when I sold the marital house and moved out. Wicked scary! Guess what? Here I am...thriving and doing pretty darn good!

Eyes forward, M. cool

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Thanks for the update, M! I've been wondering about you. You sound great. Isn't it interesting to look back and see where we were at BD compared to now??

What a journey (I know, cliche`) but it's so true...keep us posted smile


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M: 12 years
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Yes Melissa, thanks for the update.

You do sound good if not a bit leery of the future. I would be too. As for the job situation, must you go back to law?

I only ask b/c I worried about schedules since my h was not physically around much. And so teaching became an option. All my holidays would match the kids. But the pay cut...yeah well, you do get summers off...(what can I say?)

Or tell the firms you interview with that perhaps you don't want the partnership track and being a staff attorney is FINE with you, or a 'junior partner" and see if there's any flexibility. Our profession has had to accommodate a lot more women in it than before. I'd like to think we've helped improve some things....but I can't say for sure.

Otherwise I think the sharpie pen is an excellent approach. Keeps things simple, doesn't it? That is key...don't get mired in his minutia b/c in the end, that's what a lot of this is...

How are any new GAL things going for you? Would love to hear about one organization or club or class you can sign up for, this month...not to nag, but to hold you accountable to YOURSELF...

Keep on keeping on...you will be more than alright on the other side of this...quagmire. And don't let yourself ever forget that as bad as you think your h is behaving and as bad as you feel, ultimately you'll be in a much better position than he is. I KNOW it's not a contest and his misery is not relevant to YOUR happiness just as his apparent happiness is no index for your misery...

but I would not want to be the WAS for anything...b/c in time, the damage is revealed and in time, his relationships with the kids will show it and that day will be brutal for him.

I know this from experience. I feel very sorry for my h at times, b/c I know he's heartbroken, and yet he can't seem to reach our d's these days...they hurt too much from unresolved issues about his leaving.

And now we're all seeing therapists! So, never doubt for a minute that your h won't suffer for this, if that brings you comfort.
It's not a comfort to ME now, but I know that when this was all happening, I could not believe he couldn't see where it would lead. But he couldn't. And I kept thinking about how unfair it was, but I was wrong. I mean, the WAS does pay a price that we the LBSers, never have to face.

True, sometimes the kids pay the biggest price and WE the moms, CAN make that better. That's really my advice to you. Somehow get the kids to see that this has nothing to do with them. It's not easy at all.

I lost count of the times I had to hear "if dad loved me/us, he'd be here"....(ouch)

I wish I had somehow gotten thru to them then, (my youngest is your oldest age I think) so that they would not harbor the resentments they did. That a flawed man can still love them deeply. And imo, my h would kill or die for his kids...

but stay at home and miss the frontier??? Maybe not...took him a year there, alone, to wake up.

For them, that was a LONG time...

Good luck Melissa, you are ahead of where I was at your stage. You are doing better than you realize. Know that it's NOT a linear process. You will have some hard days but then the better times DO & WILL return. I promise.

(((( )))


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
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DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

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What happened to the angry Melissa? LOL. JK. I agree with Wonka..you sound good.


Originally Posted By: mel
H continues to make this D as difficult as humanly possible

You obviously did not get the WAS memo. That is part of the job description. Demonize the LBS and make the whole process difficult. On a serious note, you are dealing with it very well. At this point, the D (excluding the kids) is a business transaction. Treat it as such. Treat your H as you would a business associate.

Originally Posted By: Melissag
suffice it to say that if my H nicks himself with his razor when shaving in the morning, it is most likely my fault.

Well at least he is not blaming you for global warming.

Originally Posted By: Mel
We started a new parenting time schedule, only because I reached out to him to offer him more time with the kids (he was content refusing to agree to any of my proposals giving him more time, and then accusing me of refusing to let him see the kids - ??). This is the first week they will be with him 4 nights. M, W, F, and S. Both kids have expressed concerns about it (D9 thinks she spent enough time with H before, and doesn't want to increase it, and S8 is concerned that he will miss me too much), so we will see how it goes.

I may have missed your explanation of this so sorry if I did. Why are switching the schedule? On one hand you are saying that you do not want him to have them 50% of the time, on the other, your giving him more than that. Why?

Originally Posted By: Mel
My H hired a PRE (well, we jointly hired a PRE - it was on his insistence but we wanted to have a say in who was appointed), so we will now have to go through that whole invasive process. I have done a lot of soul searching, as I think that it will be expensive (about $15k), but worse, I think it will be hard on my kids, not to mention on me. But, I still feel strongly that my H should not have 50/50 parenting time with them, so I will go forward with it.

I get pissed everytime I read something like this. I am all for 50/50 custody. I believe in it. I understand that in some cases it does not make sense. That said, I would never put my kids through it. Never. I am not judging you Melissa and I understand you have to do what you have to do. I do agree that it will be hard on the kids. It is sad that is has to come to this.


Originally Posted By: Mel
On the plus side, my new convertible has reached port in Oxnard, CA, and will soon be on a truck headed toward CO!

Okay fess up..what did you get? Mercedes CL? BMW 6 series? What color? Oh…and just wondering…Do I get to take it for a ride after Wonka?


Originally Posted By: Mel
My L tells me that my H isn't likely to get any nicer after the D is final (esp. if he does not get what he wants), but at least he won't be texting me asking if he can come pick up a particular set of coasters, and blasting me for "unfairly" splitting up baseball tickets, etc.

If your ex is anything like mine – then I would agree with your L. I do think though that once you find your stride that his craziness, antics, emails, texts will be totally ignored by you. For a year after my D, I continued to try and respond to my ex with some level of logic. I finally gave up and I am better off because of it.

Originally Posted By: Mel
Still i have a lot of grieving left to do.

Take your time. I found that it came in waves… IMO, it is only time that can heal the wounds. IF you get those “why” or “what if” moments – feel them, then remind yourself that life changes and flows like a river. This was one of those changes. Instead of focusing on what was….focus on what is and please….do not forgot to remind yourself that YOU MADE IT. That you actually walked through the valley of the darkness and you made it to the other side.

Originally Posted By: 25
but I would not want to be the WAS for anything...b/c in time, the damage is revealed and in time, his relationships with the kids will show it and that day will be brutal for him.

Ayep!

Mel, you have better tools to deal with life now. I know you really worried about the kids. Know that they will be okay. Yes, I would be lying if I didn’t say that I believe that they too will have some scars. Having YOU in their life, with the tools you have now, will only help them grow and heal from this.

Peace,
Eric


"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter".
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Melissa!

Somehow I knew that you were off GALing and doing things that make you feel better. Like watching your S throw out the first pitch. Good for you.

As 25 said, this process is anything but linear. Heck, I think it gets better with time and circling the issues, but somehow the fallout takes a long time to dissipate. You'd think it would be like a volcano: spew and settle quickly. But alas, like that volcano, now you have to create something over a blanket of lava. The good news is that you can build something bigger and better (kind of like Steve Austin, LOL). It won't happen overnight and there aren't any shortcuts through the muck.

I have to tell you that your sharpie routine is amazing. Simply amazing, I tell you. I'm going to remember that one for future reference. I promise to footnote you as the source, though. It's brilliant. I'll bet most of the communications from your H are redacted?

Quote:
This is the first week they will be with him 4 nights. M, W, F, and S. Both kids have expressed concerns about it (D9 thinks she spent enough time with H before, and doesn't want to increase it, and S8 is concerned that he will miss me too much), so we will see how it goes.


I personally think you're going to see--very shortly--that he doesn't have the wherewithal to sustain this type of arrangement. I give him 30 days - at the most. Why? Because the dad pad activities will suffer as a result of this type of arrangement. If I lose by the time your permanent orders come through, I'm buying the next round.

One thing that made me go "huh":

Quote:
blasting me for "unfairly" splitting up baseball tickets, etc.


Didn't you say a month or so ago that he told you he wasn't interested in the Rox tix?

And I know you can see that it isn't a coincidence, but reading your synopsis of "how Melissa ruined H's life" it's clear to me that he's stuck on who filed. How much do you want to bet that if he filed (on his terms, of course), you wouldn't have been in the villain seat as much? My guess is he'd find some way to villainize you... he just chooses this fine point to dwell on and harp at you. Based on the books that I've read on the subject, he sounds like a classic narcissist. I don't mean someone who acts in a narcissistic manner (we all have our moments), but someone with the narcissistic personality disorder. I wish I still had my books - I lent them to someone who is no longer in my life. I think one of them is Why Is It Always About You? by Sandy Hotchkiss, and the other is Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward. You might get some insight on how to sidestep from either one of these. I'm not diagnosing your H, mind you, but from what I remember reading, his behaviors certainly sound similar...

Keep on keepin' on, Melissa. And keep that Sharpie handy!

Betsey

p.s. Wonka, get your ass out here and I'll let you beat me to the first ride! grin


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

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Hi, guys! Great to see all your responses. smile

Wonka, my Sharpie is red (of course!) and it is really fun to use it. Sometimes I notice myself saying "tsk tsk, H" under my breath as I am doing it. The thing that really blows me away is that I just found out, from my L, that the arrogant, manipulative emails I get are actually the edited versions, AFTER H's L removes the "overly rude" comments. Wow.

I am starting to take small steps toward getting back into the workforce, but I don't want to be making any big decisions at the moment, so I am going to take it somewhat slowly. I also need to get a better picture of what my financial future looks like before I can really decide with confidence what I want/need to do. I know that it is very important to me to work P/T and/or with a very flexible schedule (which pretty much eliminates the practice of law), so I can be there for my kids. Of course, H is hiring a vocational expert to do an evaluation so he can insist that I can go out tomorrow and make $150k a year practicing law. Then I guess I will have to get my own expert to say that I can only make $50k a year. And then we've pissed away more money on experts for nothing.

GAL-wise, I am not sure what I will do this month that is new. I have a lot I am doing already and right now I feel like I spend half my time dealing with D crap. It's so ridiculous. I will try something new, though . . . let me consider for a bit and I'll get back to you, 25! smile

I hate to admit, but I *do* want to think that my H has at least learned some kind of lesson from all of this. Even if it's just that he was way wrong on how easy and great this was all going to be for him. But, I don't waste time hoping for it anymore because it seems that it will never happen.

I don't doubt that my H loves our kids. A lot. I don't think he is a BAD guy in that regard. And I am not trying to keep the kids from him at all. I haven't done so yet, and I would not do that (not for him, but for them!!). Eric, I understand your point about 50/50 and I respect your opinion; however, I just don't think that parenting time is a one size fits all proposition. There are concerns I have about my H that contribute to my strong feeling that they will NOT be better off being with him half the time. I am not saying that I would never want him to have 50/50 under any circumstance . . . just that I would need to see some changes to believe that is what is best for the kids. And, like Betsey said, I don't think he has a clue what it's really going to be like. (As an aside, Eric, the new schedule is 65/35 - he has them every Weds., EO weekend and EO Monday - it's kind of screwy but it's what we came up with and could agree to.) I am still trying to see if he will negotiate on the parenting time issue, as I would much prefer to avoid the PRE process - my L is going to talk with his L today. I don't hold out much hope, though, bc he seems to have dug his heels in pretty hard.

Oh, Betsey, yes, he did say that he had "zero interest in the Rockies tickets." But, he changed his mind! He likes to change his mind without acknowledging it. Like say, when he told me for three weeks that he would not sit with me (and therefore the kids, since they were sitting with me) at the baseball game where S8 threw out the first pitch. Then, 3 hours before game time (and 5 minutes after a lecture from his L), he suddenly wanted to make it a family event. Or, how he ignored my invitation to S8's birthday dinner (8 days in advance) and told S8 he wasn't coming, but on the day of, texted me to ask what time the reservation was. ???

Yes, my H definitely has narcissistic tendencies, that's for sure. He really doesn't have a clue that anything exists outside of his world view. That's what scares me with the kids. He doesn't really have the capability to think about or understand how they feel (bc clearly they should feel the same way he would), and he ends up hurting their feelings quite a bit. Latest example: He face timed with the kids last night for S8's birthday, but my D9 didn't get to talk to him, because, as he told her, he wasn't interested in talking to HER, as it wasn't HER birthday. Sigh.

Eric, I still do have a lot of anger. I am trying not to let it consume me. I am trying to remember that my H is, well, limited. He really only sees the world according to H. And in H's world, I am evil and ruining his life, so of course he is angry with me and making this as difficult as possible. No wait, he isn't making it difficult, *I* am. I mean, that's truly his reality. I just have to keep reminding myself of that, and reminding myself that getting angry about it will do me no good.

Have to go talk to my L, and will think about what I can try that is new this month! I love how you guys all keep me in line. smile


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Your H is a f*cking idiot!!! IDIOT.

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Originally Posted By: mel
Eric, I understand your point about 50/50 and I respect your opinion; however, I just don't think that parenting time is a one size fits all proposition. There are concerns I have about my H that contribute to my strong feeling that they will NOT be better off being with him half the time. I am not saying that I would never want him to have 50/50 under any circumstance . . . just that I would need to see some changes to believe that is what is best for the kids. And, like Betsey said, I don't think he has a clue what it's really going to be like. (As an aside, Eric, the new schedule is 65/35 - he has them every Weds., EO weekend and EO Monday - it's kind of screwy but it's what we came up with and could agree to.) I am still trying to see if he will negotiate on the parenting time issue, as I would much prefer to avoid the PRE process - my L is going to talk with his L today. I don't hold out much hope, though, bc he seems to have dug his heels in pretty hard.

I was actually surprised that in your last post he had them more. Now that I see what the full schedule is your comment of this is the first week they will be with him 4 nights it makes sense.
As much as you may think I am pushing 50/50 in your case, I’m really not. The fact that the kids have stated concerns about being with dad, I understand your reservation and I agree with it. I agree with you that a 50/50 parenting time is not a one size fit all, it is why I always believe in the “flexible” approach with a stated default should both people not agree.
The only problem with a “flexible” (with a default schedule) approach is, that it many states it does impact the child support calcs. That said, I do believe people can work through the financial issues – it aint easy though. Other than the finances, I personally think flexible works (with the exception that the two people truly cannot speak a word to each other).
That said, in your case it may not work. I suspect that given the finances involved that your D may get ugly (sorry – I truly hope it does not). IF he is doing this simply to hurt you or to save money in support, then I bet your right, he has no idea what he is in for. Your L should be prepared to highlight that. For example, what about days that school is cancelled, what about summer vacations when they are home all day. I was lucky, in that my job was very flexible. He may try to create that flexibility but he may have a harder argument if it come at the expense of his support payments. In my case it did not.
I pray that you can avoid the PRE process. I personally, do not think it is good for any kid to have to go through that.
Originally Posted By: Mel
Eric, I still do have a lot of anger.

That’s okay. It really is okay to be angry and honestly, if you were not, I’d be more concerned. You should be really angry. I’ve often describe my process as being angry and then….the RAGE hit. That’s when I was really pissed off.
You’re doing fine. You really are. You may not always feel it but you are.

BTW, who get’s to drive the car first? Me, Wonka or Betsy?


"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter".
"Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!"
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Thanks for the reply, Eric. I don't think that my H wants 50/50 for purposes of paying less child support . . . but I have been proven wrong about him a lot lately, so who knows. I think this is coming more from a place of principle - he felt that he had no voice in the M (what he told his L), and now he is trying to grow a set. So he doesn't want me to "win." He is tired of me winning. That, and the idea in his head that his Dad sucked, and he does NOT want to be like his Dad (even though he has turned into his Dad in almost every other way possible in the past six months). This is all his reality, and there is no talking him out of it.

So, today I hired someone to help me do some big cleaning projects. She turned out to be really fun and we had a good time chatting! I got my patio/yard all set up for summer - yay!! - and we cleaned the garage and got about 3/4 of the way through the basement. Brought two car loads of stuff to Goodwill. I think I might have her come back soon as there is plenty more to do!! I LOVE getting rid of things, and having things neat and orderly.

I did find some things that made me sad - wedding photos, some cards from H, etc - but I let myself be upset for a minute, then moved along with the organizing. I am separating all his stuff and will put all his boxes in the garage so that when he comes to get them he doesn't need to rummage through the house.

Anyway, when I was in the basement I found . . . drum roll please . . . my golf clubs! I have a great set of clubs, and H and I used to play often before D9 was born. I was terrible at it, but it was fun nonetheless. I have not played in ten years!

So I thought, ohhh, my golf clubs, I should sell those. Then I thought of 25yearsmlc, and I thought - F that! I am going to go take lessons. smile So there it is- my new GAL activity for this month (and hopefully ongoing!). Now let's just hope the clubs fit in the trunk of my new car. Eeek.

Aside from that, just more of the usual divorce crap going on. Tomorrow is my first meeting with the PRE. H's lawyer indicated there might be some possibility of compromise on the parenting time issues, but due to the fast docket here, will not call off the PRE unless we can reach a compromise. So we are going to try to get in with a child psych who can help us communicate on this issue and see if we can agree on something. I am not excited for this process (or the PRE process) because it will require me to divulge the reasons for not wanting H to have 50/50 custody, which I imagine will result in more spew from him . . . and honestly, regardless of what he has put me through, I don't want to hurt him. But - it's what I feel I need to do for my kids, so I just need to be brave.

Plodding along . . .


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M - I found my golf clubs when I cleaned out my basement too. H and I also played all the time before kids. We always had a blast together. It served as a reminder of all things that we let slip between us when we had kids. I decided to take lessons too. I found that the have lessons at the golf course in our neighborhood and I am going to take them this summer. I just need to wait until S5's baseball is over for the season. I am actually very excited...getting to be outside in the sun and swing and hit a ball as far as I can...seems like it could be therapeutic.

I am glad to hear that you are going to meet with a child psych to see if you can work on the parenting plan.

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Something in the air/water? I decided to take up golf this summer, too. My dad agreed to be my partner smile

I am so excited to work on a new sport. Golf offers so much-exercise, sunlight, socializing. It's a lifelong sport that you can share with others. My H and I used to golf together before our son was born and then that faded away. Maybe we'll golf together again some day.


Me:33 H:35
M: 12 years
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This is quick because I have a conference call shortly and then need to leave the office to do estate stuff. Argghh.

I totally get the need to organize and purge! I'm doing it myself too. But my golf clubs have always been in my garage in plain sight, and it bugs me that I don't use them like I should too! I took up golf the year Mr. W. moved out. Got myself lessons at Family Sports and when I was stressed, used to head over to whack a bucket of balls. I haven't done that in the longest time, so THANK YOU for reminding me I should make the effort to get back out there. I love it for all the reasons everyone else mentioned, and I don't worry that I stink. The whole point of the exercise is to have fun and get better.

And BTW, if my golf clubs can fit in the back seat of my RX-8 (and they do), they'll fit in your convertible! smile

Quote:
I am not excited for this process (or the PRE process) because it will require me to divulge the reasons for not wanting H to have 50/50 custody, which I imagine will result in more spew from him . . . and honestly, regardless of what he has put me through, I don't want to hurt him. But - it's what I feel I need to do for my kids, so I just need to be brave.


Yep, this is the time when honesty and transparency must prevail. Mind you, the PRE might not agree with your feelings, but time to step up to the plate and take your swings. Good luck!

My own purging and re-purposing stuff has me moving stuff to the basement. I really despise doing that, but my D20 is going to be leaving the nest soon and I can offer her a little bit of home when she graduates. So I'm holding on to stuff she might want/need. Blech.

Good luck!

Betsey


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

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Yes! I love to be outside and even though it rarely happens, the satisfaction when hearing that "PING" that comes from hitting the ball on the sweet spot is addictive.

Wish I was in the same place as my DB girls and we could whack some balls together! (That could have more than one meaning, LOL.) Betsey, you and I can do this - let's go to the range!

I did find some bag tags from various courses H and I have played (including Pebble Beach - boy was that ugly!), and it made me a little sad, but more than that, I thought how fun it would be to go play myself or with my friends. If I had seen those tags a few months ago, I would have been on the floor wailing lamenting how H and I will never play golf again, etc. Another sign of how far I have come! smile

Still, it is so frustrating dealing with my H. His "negotiating" style is so maddening. His latest email (re: temporary financial arrangements) is the equivalent of this:

"I am right and you are wrong, but OK, since I am such a great guy, I will offer you [something unreasonable]. If you take this deal, you are a good, fair, person who wants to be reasonable and compromise. If you don't, you are a selfish bitch."

And, instead of continuing to negotiate, he says (paraphrasing here),

"I am going to do X. I can't stop you from doing Y, but if you do, you're a real [censored]."

It's so ridiculously manipulative. And I find it somewhat disturbing that he thinks that he can create reality simply by his say so. i.e., if I don't do something he wants, it is presumed that I am selfish/unreasonable/uncooperative, etc. It goes back to the very first email after I filed. "I assume this means you want war. And if you say 'talk to my lawyer' I will assume that's true."

Sigh.


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M,

I'm one unholy limping mess with nary two cells rubbing together...or not. In a 2-day training session that is tough on the mind.

Just wanted to send a quick note to remind you, if you have, to print out all emails from H and other correspondence to show to PRE why you are hesitant to have a 50/50 arrangement with H. I would imagine that the PRE would like to see some 'hard' evidence/data on why you have some concerns. Not sure if I am hitting in the right ball park or this is a massive miss.

Heading out to say "Hello!" to my pillow....

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Thanks, Wonka. I have everything saved, but need to go through and print out.

Went to the first meeting with PRE today and felt like the world's biggest b!tch by the end, since I basically spent 90 minutes ragging on my H. Ugh.

In case anyone is wondering, D costs about a zillion dollars, and takes up an absurd amount of time. Probably made worse by my H making everything as difficult as possible, but still. It blows.

Drinks with friends tonight helped, though! smile


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It's so ridiculously manipulative. And I find it somewhat disturbing that he thinks that he can create reality simply by his say so. i.e., if I don't do something he wants, it is presumed that I am selfish/unreasonable/uncooperative, etc. It goes back to the very first email after I filed. "I assume this means you want war. And if you say 'talk to my lawyer' I will assume that's true."

Melissa how are you?
I am going to respond you in a different tone than before, look sometimes in life we have to deal with "sick" people, your H seems to be in one of those categories.

What I dont really like in this situation is that he is looking to abusse you emotionally so he can move on with his life, thats why you think that you are a b@tch and things like that.

Well girl I guess you already know that you are not, he is not an idiot or an ass, he is sick and trust me, he is going to eat all this one day, all you can do its keep protecting yourself because "sick" people might be dangerous.

Take care of all this as business and dont give him rants or moments of upsetting, a sick person sees that as control, they are full of anger and in a different emotional level, they are on top of hell and you are in top of heaven, he cant meet you there and thats what makes him so angry, so just detach from that, show all the proofs you have and dont respond to any of his sick comments, you are worth more than that.

Remember the sentence of anger its like if a person set themselves on fire....
Thats what he is doing, evenctually that anger will make him pay an expensive price, his life will start to get out of control and he is gonna realize he has to look towards other direction, however by then it will not be your problem.

Be hapoy today, wnjoy your convertible with your kids and have fun, if he wants to put the head inside the toilet to show you how much he can hurt you, he is not realizing that he is hurting himself, but dont worry one day he will.

You are a great woman and just focus in your flaws, nothing else.


When the student its ready, the teacher will appear...
Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me."
Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
ye21 #2446502 04/17/14 07:47 PM
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Hey Melissa!

I gotta agree with YE here:

Quote:
Take care of all this as business


Sharpie time! And whoever mentioned using those e-mails as collateral for the PRE in gauging custody issues is on to something. You might be able to use them as a means to justify your position on the matter.

Your H is truly a piece of work. If it means anything, I'd have had a very tough time dealing with this, and I would find it extremely difficult to figure out which end is up. So kudos to you for not rising to the bait.

This, too, shall pass. Hang in there!

Betsey


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

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Melissag-

Sorry that you are here going thru this. I glad that you made progress from a few months ago, and realize it. That is huge!

Your H sounds like a maroon. I can't believe he is dumb enough to type all that in an email. Continue to stay strong! Wish the best for you!

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Bets,

Along with a Sharpie, we also need to have a getaway car ready on a standby basis for M to escape when the PRE stuff gets a bit too much or her H fires off more wacky emails/texts in her direction. You do the driving and I'll have the golf clubs handy just in case for some serious clobbering! grin Deal?

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You guys are the best. smile

Well, H and I are going to talk with a counselor (whose expertise is in kids/divorce and helping communicate to come to an agreement on parenting time), and I am hopeful it will help and we can call off the PRE. We each met with her individually this week (a great idea, I think, so she can have an idea going in of where we are coming from and what challenges there are to coming to an agreement), and will meet together next week.

I am not excited to meet with him, because I fear he will either be a jerk and it will be completely useless, or he will be all nice and reasonable, and I won't believe anything he says, and it will get me back on his stupid roller coaster. BUT, I am going to go in with an open mind and hope for the best. The counselor seems really good, but my H is a tough one - he is really trying to make up for being too passive in the M, so I am not sure that anyone can get through to him.

We are also STILL trying to negotiate finances. He can't send an email that just addresses the facts, and some of them don't even include any facts. Just a bunch of accusations and P/A, manipulative crap. I am sooooooo tire of going back and forth, and wasting money on lawyers, and never coming to any agreements. So today I sent him an email with all the numbers. Here are the bills that need to be paid. Here's how much they are. Here are the bills for May, and the total amount, etc. If you continue to divert your paychecks into a separate marital account, you will need to transfer money to the joint account so I can pay the bills.

We'll see how he reacts.

Enough about H. Today I decided I was not going to spend all day on D crap. I got some errands done, went to yoga, and am off to the baseball game shortly - it's a beautiful night for baseball in the Rocky Mountains!! H has the kids this weekend so I am going to try to be really productive and add some fun in there too.

Remembering all the good things in my life . . . can't let my H ruin them for me. smile


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You are doing great M, just go to those things without expectations, one little advice, when we read DB books they said to write goals...

What about you writing goals of how you want this process? For example:

I dont want to have expectations

I want kids x time with me

I want so much money a month for expenses

I want this and that

If you write them done (i dont know if you had done this already) it might help you to stick more clearly to what you need and want and it will be easier to see where are you being a little vague, so that will help you with the negotiation, despite how everything goes.

Keep enjoying your time wink you will come out of this being a new Melissa, up to him to be the same old guy. You are becoming positive and thats what really matters.


When the student its ready, the teacher will appear...
Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me."
Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
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Hi Melissa

back here again and had to track you down.. sounds like .. well it sounds like it is the best it can be..

I was glad to read your post about the manipulation with the message. I thought maybe it is me but then you had the same experience so it isn't something I did.
H went to a lawyer and drafted an official separation.First I knew was when it arrive din the post. That was months ago and I was prostrate on the floor for hours. Then found my own lawyer who gave all sorts of useful advice.. that H did not know..and all to my advantage which if he had not started the lawyer thing I would not have known..
When I explained he needs to pay me double what he currently is according to law he said
"well you don't HAVE to listen to her !I don't always change the tires because the mechanic says so???"

I explained I was going to listen to her and thank you for creating the environment where I needed to find her.. I should not have answered the last bit but I felt I had to.

Next tricky conversation.. when we sell the house it is not a 50 50 split---I need to get back the money I contributed for the deposit..I have to decide if I want to pursue that or not...

Good luck with the counsellor... are you still running?
and i am taking up golf at my new place.. weird...


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Hi Melissa, I too took a bit of a break from the boards. have the day off school so thought I should catch up a bit.

Your posting and the great responses you get are helpful to me and to many others who may not be able to post as much.
So thank all you guys for that.
You are helping us out there who are going thru the same crapola.

it is helpful to read the wise advice.

My d is beginning again. h thought I sought dismissal. I said no, court sent it to dismiss docket since no action was happening. I guess h wanted me to do the d!
h says he still wants d.
I asked him to send his settlement proposal( I will have my L look at it)
have not heard from him in a couple of days now. I guess he's too busy dating.
my h sees kids so little, and he is going to move out of state for his job.
nothing from him about how and when to see kids.

I too love cleaning out! Thank goodness for yoga( when I get to go!) Wish my patio was clean and ready.

keep posting! Helps us all


M48 H50
M21 T26
S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old
PA confirmed 7/2012
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Thanks for popping in to see me, guys. I have not posted much lately bc I feel like am not really DBing and more just trying to survive this whole D process.

H and I did come to an agreement about parenting time - it was more time with him than I wanted, but less than he wanted. I just truly did not want to put our kids through the PRE process. I also feared that the PRE process would make the co-parenting R even more strained, and that would not be good for the kids either. We are still working with the C once a week to figure out the rest of the parenting plan and to make sure we are doing a good job co-parenting going forward. We have been twice and each time that I have to spend 90 minutes talking with my H leaves me wanting to punch him in the face. I am just soooooo tired of the constant victim story of his. I want him to just go and be "happy" and leave me alone. He also informed me last week that "everyone I have told about our divorce thinks you are a total bitch." And somehow he said it as though he was being perfectly nice and reasonable.

On the financial front, just more and more manipulation. I flat out told him that his communications were very manipulative, so he prefaced his next email with a whole thing about how he isn't being manipulative, he SWEARS, and then went on to write a completely manipulative email about finances. I am pretty sure that he really has no idea how manipulative he is or when he is being manipulative. Sigh. He goes back and forth between playing Mr. Nice Guy and then being pissed off that I didn't give him a trophy for being "nice," so he decides he is going to be a hard ass again. He says he doesn't want to spend money on lawyers, but then threatens to let a judge decide all of our issues in a two-day trial. Thankfully I am pretty good at not getting on the roller coaster with him, but I am obviously not detached enough because just watching it still makes me nauseous.

I just wish he would understand that in the end, I will get what I will get, and it doesn't matter how much money we spend on lawyers or experts, or how nice or mean he is, or any of that.

So in other news, my Mom found out last week she has a tumor on her ovary, and her CA-125 (cancer markers) are elevated . . . so it is looking like she has ovarian cancer. She is having surgery tomorrow and hopefully they will get all of it and I am praying that it hasn't spread anywhere else. I haven't even really gotten to the point of considering how this will affect me, as I have been thinking about my kids and how close they are with her . . . she really needs to be OK.

Between all the legal stuff for this D, and my Mom, and trying to help my kids through this, dealing with my D9's constant stomach aches, and al the other stuff I am busy with, I have not had time to take care of myself as well as I used to. I need to get back to that. Planning on doing some kickboxing and TKD this weekend, yoga, and maybe a massage, as well as checking in on my Mom (and Dad) and - driving my new car around with the top down!! Thank God for convertibles and sunshine, is all I have to say.


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Melissa- So sorry to hear what your mom is going through. It is very scary. Sending you extra welarge wishes today that the surgery will go well. You always here that life only gives you what you can handle. The universe must think you are a very strong woman.


Me 44 H 42
M 10 T 12 (at time of BD)
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S11 (special needs)

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(((((melissa)))))


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Melissa,

It is good that you are freeing yourself of H that you're seeing him for what he truly is and there's no hiding that part of him at all. Yeah, focus on yourself first so that way you'll have some energy for your kiddos.

I am so sorry about your Mom. Hopefully the treatment and progress will be good for her.

Hey...glad you're enjoying your new wheels! Can I join ya? laugh

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I am so sorry to hear about your mom. That is jolting news. I will hold you and your family in my thoughts.


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I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
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((((Melissa)))) Stay strong hun, remember to look after yourself too, you've got so much going on at the moment. I'm praying your Mom's op goes well & you get some positive news soon. Big hugs.


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Melissa,

Holy cow... I get home to hear your news. I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. How did the surgery go?

Thinking of you, chickie.

Betsey


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Sorry to hear about your mom, I hope all goes well. You all are in my prayers and positive thoughts.

Keep hanging in there Mel!


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Ah, so my thread is still here! Honestly, I was kind of hoping they would delete all my old threads, since they are nothing I ever want to revisit.

So many new names and stories here - makes me feel sad, but I do have hope for all the newbies . . . I have been in that horrible, dark place and I have done way more than survived. smile

Brief summary . . . D is final! We had to go to trial (XH walked out of the mediation - just up and left with no explanation or goodbye). Please, if anyone is reading this and going through the D process – avoid trial if you can. It was horrible. My XH lied on the stand. He and his L spun everything they possibly could in ways they knew were complete nonsense, in order to “win” certain issues. At the end of the day, I cried all the way home and for another three hours after . . . not because I was divorced but because my XH was so disgusting and I was just so disappointed in him, and mad at myself for telling myself he was someone else for so long. In the end, the judge ignored almost all of his BS, but the damage was done regardless.

Even though the D is final, XH continues to try his best to make my life miserable in any way he can and blame me for everything other than the Ebola virus. Several people have asked me if I was the one who left - bc they can't figure out why he is so angry if he is the one who wanted this. Beats the heck out of me!! Interesting, the irony - I am happier than ever and have moved on (not dating or anything, but moving forward with life and trying to put this all behind me), and he is stuck in anger and resentment. Throwing in rude comments and accusations in almost every communication, trying to manipulate and control me, throwing up roadblocks to everything he knows I want/need. He has gotten to the point that he will screw himself over just to screw me over. I am finally able (sometimes with a little help) to communicate with my XH with zero emotion. I just take out my Sharpie and cross out everything other than fact, respond to what’s left, and call it done. It hasn’t changed anything in the way he acts, but it has given me more peace to just leave that bait dangling.

I have actually gotten to a place (I can hardly believe I can say this) where I am grateful for BD. Through this whole process, I have not only gotten myself back, but I have gotten an even better version of myself. A happier version. And a more compassionate version.

I think about how many times you guys here told me the same stuff over and over, (thank you!!!!!) and I did NOT get it. NOW I GET IT!

I get lots of things, and I have some things I still need to work on. But most importantly -

How ugly and awful it is to be a victim. (NEVER doing that again.)
On a related note, owning my own stuff is empowering.
The fact that happiness is a choice you make every hour of every day.
The fact that the real key to happiness is practicing gratitude.
Actually being present in each thing I do keeps me feeling peaceful.
I am happiest when I work out. Hard.
I am sooooo glad that my XH did NOT come back.
Tiramisu (which my XH HATED) is actually pretty darn tasty!

Still working on dropping those expectations of my XH. I feel like I have no expectations, and I tell myself I have none, but I still find myself surprised at each new low he hits . . . I just can’t understand how a person can think or act the way he does (i.e., like a complete jacka$$), especially when it often has a negative impact on our children.

In other great news, I have decided that, while I am not ready to date yet, I will not, in fact, turn out to be a crazy cat lady. I do want to have a man in my life some day.

I have to sell my house, which makes me sad for the kids. ☹ But we will find a new place and make that our home. I am also starting to talk to people about going back to work (part-time only, I want to be there for my kids!), and I changed my name back to my maiden name. For whatever reason, that really made me feel good.

Well, that was not a brief summary at all, was it? I guess if I was going to be brief, I would say, I am divorced, and I am happy. ☺

Also, thank you for the well wishes for my Mom. Her surgery took nine hours – she had quite extensive cancer all over her abdomen, but they managed to get out everything that was visible. She had a few weeks to recover, then started chemo. She has done 12 of 18 weeks and has done amazingly well. I am hoping that she will recover from the effects of chemo quickly (once it’s over), and have a good amount of time in remission to enjoy life.

Hope everyone is doing great, I need to go dig up some threads and see what’s new!


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Melissa,

You sound awesome and I'm thrilled for you! Your xh? Sadly, I'm not surprised.

Sounds like so many exciting things are happening in your life. Love every minute of them:-)

Last edited by Georgiabelle; 08/30/14 11:39 AM.


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MMMMM!!!!! I missed hearing from you. I am glad to hear you are well. I feel like we were in the same "class" (time frame) or something. We are almost done our D. Hope to be done by end of year at the latest. W continues to do and say things that don't make sense and never should have. I am seeing someone and its been a very good experience for me and now for my kids. Especially s13. He needed someone like GF in his life. My kids see a version of me they never really met. They like him and so do I.

W and i did actually apologize to each other. I found out from a mutual friend that she complained for months that she couldnt believe i actually moved on. My new R is nothing like the old one. I now see what i should have been doing a long time ago. I see how many things were wrong in my M. I FEEL HEALTHIER. I feel happier just as me regardless of GF and thats what makes new R work well.

I feel lucky to have met you and the others here. I hope we can continue to share our stories. I beleive there is still much more to come.

((M)))


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T 17 years
Three kids - D17,D14, S13
Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13
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Georgia, I love that you dropped the rope Cirque style! smile I need to go check out your thread and see what's new with you.

Paul, I know what you mean - we did file around the same time! Sorry yours is taking so long - what's the hold up? I am glad that your W did apologize to you - I am pretty sure you had already apologized to her, but it can't hurt to do so again. She has always sounded like kind of a lost soul to me. I hope she can find her peace for the kids' sakes. Are they getting along with her better now? That's great that you have a new GF and that you are able to use what you have learned in a new relationship. I hope this turns out to be something great for you. smile


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It's great to hear you're happy.

I wish you all kinds of good things in your future.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Hi Melissa!

For quite some time, I was a distant reader of these boards. BD for me happened shortly after you, but I did not "officially" join in here until recently. I did keep up with reading your post, and it is good to see how well you are doing. I am recently divorced, too (almost 2 weeks). Really, our time-line is quite similar, even though our "stories" are a little different(I'm over in MLC land).

Anyway, it is funny how someone can follow your sitch along, and you don't even know it. Well, that was me, following you, and you kept me moving in the right direction. Thanks for that. Again, glad to hear you are moving on in such a positive way. Good for you!

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Thanks for the post, Mighty! I was very lucky when I posted regularly here that many members posted great advice on my threads. I just knew it had to be helping someone else, too! I will have to come by MLC and see how you are doing. smile


me: 44 XH: 42
M 11 years
D10 and S8
Bomb drop 9/27/13
D final 7/1/14
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Hey Mel!

First of all, I am glad you are divorced. I am sorry that your H continues to be the d!ckwad that he is to borrow from one of Bet's gems.

Sometimes it is better to be divorced that stay married to someone who drags you down mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Such dark and negative energy.

I promise you that if you do a vision board of your next H with his physical attributes, qualities, and characteristics, he'll appear in your life when you the least expect it.

How's your new red lil' car going for you??! laugh

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Hi Melissa,

Sorry to hear your marriage didn't work out considering how hard you worked, but seeing as you're so happy I guess it turned out better than ever lol!


Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
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Thanks, Wonka! Honestly, I am glad I am divorced, too. I am glad that I went about things the way I did - that I listened to everyone here. I have come to the conclusion that it was NEVER going to work with me and XH, but I am still glad that I fixed myself - for me. In retrospect, I see that I am lucky he did not come back, when I was desperate for him to do so. You are exactly right, Wonka - I am now free of his negative energy - and I can be and do what I want and what makes me happy. smile

This may sound weird to others, but seriously, that car has been a huge PMA boost for me. (It's silver - I didn't get red bc I was afraid that might look kind of MLC-ish LOL!) But yeah - I put the top down and it's like, instant happiness.


me: 44 XH: 42
M 11 years
D10 and S8
Bomb drop 9/27/13
D final 7/1/14
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 1,593
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2S2Q - thanks for checking in on me! Yes, I think it is better this way. With the exception, of course, of the effect it has had on my children. Not only because it is hard on kids for their parents to split up, but because now he has every opportunity to influence them with his negativity, lack of personal responsibility, selfishness and rude behavior. I used to be able to intervene, smooth things over, or in some other way keep the kids from this stuff, but now I can't. frown


me: 44 XH: 42
M 11 years
D10 and S8
Bomb drop 9/27/13
D final 7/1/14
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