melissag - update

[melissag]

You guys are the best.

Well, H and I are going to talk with a counselor (whose expertise is in kids/divorce and helping communicate to come to an agreement on parenting time), and I am hopeful it will help and we can call off the PRE. We each met with her individually this week (a great idea, I think, so she can have an idea going in of where we are coming from and what challenges there are to coming to an agreement), and will meet together next week.

I am not excited to meet with him, because I fear he will either be a jerk and it will be completely useless, or he will be all nice and reasonable, and I won't believe anything he says, and it will get me back on his stupid roller coaster. BUT, I am going to go in with an open mind and hope for the best. The counselor seems really good, but my H is a tough one - he is really trying to make up for being too passive in the M, so I am not sure that anyone can get through to him.

We are also STILL trying to negotiate finances. He can't send an email that just addresses the facts, and some of them don't even include any facts. Just a bunch of accusations and P/A, manipulative crap. I am sooooooo tire of going back and forth, and wasting money on lawyers, and never coming to any agreements. So today I sent him an email with all the numbers. Here are the bills that need to be paid. Here's how much they are. Here are the bills for May, and the total amount, etc. If you continue to divert your paychecks into a separate marital account, you will need to transfer money to the joint account so I can pay the bills.

We'll see how he reacts.

Enough about H. Today I decided I was not going to spend all day on D crap. I got some errands done, went to yoga, and am off to the baseball game shortly - it's a beautiful night for baseball in the Rocky Mountains!! H has the kids this weekend so I am going to try to be really productive and add some fun in there too.

Remembering all the good things in my life . . . can't let my H ruin them for me.

[ye21]

You are doing great M, just go to those things without expectations, one little advice, when we read DB books they said to write goals...

What about you writing goals of how you want this process? For example:

I dont want to have expectations

I want kids x time with me

I want so much money a month for expenses

I want this and that

If you write them done (i dont know if you had done this already) it might help you to stick more clearly to what you need and want and it will be easier to see where are you being a little vague, so that will help you with the negotiation, despite how everything goes.

Keep enjoying your time you will come out of this being a new Melissa, up to him to be the same old guy. You are becoming positive and thats what really matters.

[loualea]

Hi Melissa

back here again and had to track you down.. sounds like .. well it sounds like it is the best it can be..

I was glad to read your post about the manipulation with the message. I thought maybe it is me but then you had the same experience so it isn't something I did.
H went to a lawyer and drafted an official separation.First I knew was when it arrive din the post. That was months ago and I was prostrate on the floor for hours. Then found my own lawyer who gave all sorts of useful advice.. that H did not know..and all to my advantage which if he had not started the lawyer thing I would not have known..
When I explained he needs to pay me double what he currently is according to law he said
"well you don't HAVE to listen to her !I don't always change the tires because the mechanic says so???"

I explained I was going to listen to her and thank you for creating the environment where I needed to find her.. I should not have answered the last bit but I felt I had to.

Next tricky conversation.. when we sell the house it is not a 50 50 split---I need to get back the money I contributed for the deposit..I have to decide if I want to pursue that or not...

Good luck with the counsellor... are you still running?
and i am taking up golf at my new place.. weird...

[willbwell]

Hi Melissa, I too took a bit of a break from the boards. have the day off school so thought I should catch up a bit.

Your posting and the great responses you get are helpful to me and to many others who may not be able to post as much.
So thank all you guys for that.
You are helping us out there who are going thru the same crapola.

it is helpful to read the wise advice.

My d is beginning again. h thought I sought dismissal. I said no, court sent it to dismiss docket since no action was happening. I guess h wanted me to do the d!
h says he still wants d.
I asked him to send his settlement proposal( I will have my L look at it)
have not heard from him in a couple of days now. I guess he's too busy dating.
my h sees kids so little, and he is going to move out of state for his job.
nothing from him about how and when to see kids.

I too love cleaning out! Thank goodness for yoga( when I get to go!) Wish my patio was clean and ready.

keep posting! Helps us all

[melissag]

Thanks for popping in to see me, guys. I have not posted much lately bc I feel like am not really DBing and more just trying to survive this whole D process.

H and I did come to an agreement about parenting time - it was more time with him than I wanted, but less than he wanted. I just truly did not want to put our kids through the PRE process. I also feared that the PRE process would make the co-parenting R even more strained, and that would not be good for the kids either. We are still working with the C once a week to figure out the rest of the parenting plan and to make sure we are doing a good job co-parenting going forward. We have been twice and each time that I have to spend 90 minutes talking with my H leaves me wanting to punch him in the face. I am just soooooo tired of the constant victim story of his. I want him to just go and be "happy" and leave me alone. He also informed me last week that "everyone I have told about our divorce thinks you are a total bitch." And somehow he said it as though he was being perfectly nice and reasonable.

On the financial front, just more and more manipulation. I flat out told him that his communications were very manipulative, so he prefaced his next email with a whole thing about how he isn't being manipulative, he SWEARS, and then went on to write a completely manipulative email about finances. I am pretty sure that he really has no idea how manipulative he is or when he is being manipulative. Sigh. He goes back and forth between playing Mr. Nice Guy and then being pissed off that I didn't give him a trophy for being "nice," so he decides he is going to be a hard ass again. He says he doesn't want to spend money on lawyers, but then threatens to let a judge decide all of our issues in a two-day trial. Thankfully I am pretty good at not getting on the roller coaster with him, but I am obviously not detached enough because just watching it still makes me nauseous.

I just wish he would understand that in the end, I will get what I will get, and it doesn't matter how much money we spend on lawyers or experts, or how nice or mean he is, or any of that.

So in other news, my Mom found out last week she has a tumor on her ovary, and her CA-125 (cancer markers) are elevated . . . so it is looking like she has ovarian cancer. She is having surgery tomorrow and hopefully they will get all of it and I am praying that it hasn't spread anywhere else. I haven't even really gotten to the point of considering how this will affect me, as I have been thinking about my kids and how close they are with her . . . she really needs to be OK.

Between all the legal stuff for this D, and my Mom, and trying to help my kids through this, dealing with my D9's constant stomach aches, and al the other stuff I am busy with, I have not had time to take care of myself as well as I used to. I need to get back to that. Planning on doing some kickboxing and TKD this weekend, yoga, and maybe a massage, as well as checking in on my Mom (and Dad) and - driving my new car around with the top down!! Thank God for convertibles and sunshine, is all I have to say.

[juliegayle]

Melissa- So sorry to hear what your mom is going through. It is very scary. Sending you extra welarge wishes today that the surgery will go well. You always here that life only gives you what you can handle. The universe must think you are a very strong woman.

[artsy]

(((((melissa)))))

[Wonka]

Melissa,

It is good that you are freeing yourself of H that you're seeing him for what he truly is and there's no hiding that part of him at all. Yeah, focus on yourself first so that way you'll have some energy for your kiddos.

I am so sorry about your Mom. Hopefully the treatment and progress will be good for her.

Hey...glad you're enjoying your new wheels! Can I join ya?

[labug]

I am so sorry to hear about your mom. That is jolting news. I will hold you and your family in my thoughts.

[Upwards]

((((Melissa)))) Stay strong hun, remember to look after yourself too, you've got so much going on at the moment. I'm praying your Mom's op goes well & you get some positive news soon. Big hugs.